Cranial Exodus

Resolutions. Dissolutions. New Solutions?

2012-01-17T04:03:00.001+05:30

I consciously made no resolutions for the new year. But a lot has happened or threatened to happen, which makes it necessary to chart out some sort of mission statement to live the rest of the year, and possibly the rest of my days.

For a while now, I have struggled with my work and the urge to quit it all. Always the voices of reason have stayed this execution with typical words of wisdom. "What is your Plan B?", "Don't do things you will regret later.", "But that is escapism!"

I appreciate all the constructive criticisms and pithy witticisms. But it is my life dammit and it is better lived on my own terms. To this end, I feel it is important to make this easy on people who actually do have a vested interest in me. But I digress... We shall deal with consequences when we get there. It is a sequence after all, so we do have somethings that we need to get out of the way.

So I have now figured out what I don't want to do. I don't want to work at my company or with my client or in my current shift, which I have been doing for the better part of the last 8 years. Geographies and timezones did change a bit, but not much else from the perspective of the day-to-day, professionally. So no more working stiff at an IT services company for me. It is the life of a very respectable whore. But it is that and nothing more.

So now that a certain way of life has been rejected, we need to find a replacement. 'Confounded' doesn't even begin to explain how I feel going about answering that question. So I am going to be a student. I have identified a few subjects that have some interest in me at this time. I am going to go after them in a trial & error basis. Nights shall be spent learning to code Python, learning to write, learning to read & write my mother tongue, watching documentaries and posting music on my FaceBook (even if it doesn't interest anybody). Days will be spent sleeping or catching up on it if required. Evenings are when we shall make the donuts at the brain farm. I plan on slacking off as much as possible at work. I will go to work only to ensure that they don't stop paying me or start firing me. At some point it is likely that I find something that shall interest me. I sincerely hope that is the case.

The next order of business would be to change the social scene. The more that I think about it, there more Bangalore makes sense. It is the last of the places where I still have a few friends who are not either a) getting married or b) making several babies. It would help if my current employer actually painlessly (relatively speaking, of course) allows me to transfer out to Bangalore. The job search to change addresses is going pretty badly. Apparently once you have been doing IT for too long, you are not as attractive a proposition to new employers any more. If that doesn't make you sick to be working in this industry, then I am not sure what you have for a stomach (PVC pipes?).

Finally, the long drawn out wait for the Thunderbird *might* be coming to an end. All things swinging my way, I expect to have my ride by the end of Feb. Which brings me to the final agenda item for 2012. I want to ride to Ladakh. There is a friend who has promised to hop along for the ride. I intend to keep my word.

Thus ends this statement of purposelessness.

The attack

2011-11-11T10:18:00.000+05:30

S1 : The wind gained speed as he ran like a dog on a fiery chase. The ground was dark and firm, there were no obstacles to be seen for miles, or so he thought. It shook him when the wooden barrier hit him in the face. It's dark colour had deceived him. When he emerged from the other side he felt the small pieces flying in the air around him, but he did not stop. The log house was not too far now. His hands slowly felt for his sword.

S2 : She loosened her grip on the rope. While slithering down slowly she sharpened her senses, dulled her memory and felt the heat in her palms. Her sword did not feel heavy now. The log house was in sight even though the air was foggy. She felt the ground and saw the three guards at the same time. They were motionless but she could feel their alertness.

S3 : He saw the house, the guards and her in that order. The guards spotted him before they had a chance to see her. She ran up the now unguarded staircase. The dust under her footsteps didn't fly up nor the the vibrations leave the planks as she hit them.

Old Garden

2011-11-11T10:10:00.003+05:30

Revolutions are mostly filled with stories of pain. The movie starts with Oh coming out of Jail after 20 years and trying to pick up his broken life with his family. He was imprisoned for his role in Gwangju revolt. His lover and the mother of his kid has died while he was in jail of cancer. Her daughter is living somewhere unaware of her father. He tries to retrace the parts of his life which he spent with Han and we are thrown back and forth between present and past and sometimes into a sweetly drawn dream world in Yuans mind.
Do the stories about communist revolutions across the world have similar structure? That was the question on my mind while watching "The Old Garden". At the end i felt this one was told in a much better way than many others. I was painfully ignorant about the communist movement in South Korea and that prevented me from properly understanding the mindset of these revolutionaries. But some faces from the movie left deep impressions on my mind.
The first one would be the protaganist, Oh the young revolutionary who greeted dissuaders who cared about him with a sweet smile. He hid a very strong mind which took the harshest decisions and carried them out behind a deceptive handsome face. Strong conviction in ones ideals, fearlessness and comraderie are typical traits of revolutionary heroes. But the way he would react to the recurring thoughts about the oppression of the state and the cruelty it has perpetrated on his comrades and innocent people was not at all a stereotype. The rage came out as tears.
Then the girl who gave him shelter and protection when he was in hiding, Han who became his lover. She was herself a revolutionary. Her comments when Oh leaves sums up the stereotype female companion of revolutionary heroes, "I fed you, i gave you shelter, i even let you fuck me, why are you leaving?" But above that she was a cool character. She was a revolutionary who was fiercely independent and very feminine. At some point in the movie the story is told from Han's perspective. We could see her mocking at the current state of the revolution and the revolutionaries.
The character which was most memorable was the female comrade who immolated herself while protesting against the factory authorities. The picture of her standing at the factory gate with leaflets and persuading other employees to join the protest and then standing firm when the police tries water cannon to disperse them is still clear in my mind. And later her cries just before she set herself on fire protesting the injustice in firing her. Somehow her voice conveyed the defiance in her, along with her feelings of helplessness.

The Incredible Bulk prepares...

2011-10-24T03:17:00.000+05:30

...To fail spectacularly.
It is 3:02 AM and I am about to throw in the towel. I am looking at this 'Quantitative Aptitude for the CAT Exam' by Arun Sharma with equal parts of horror and admiration. Apparent short cuts involve memorizing squares and cubes of numbers 1 thru 20 AND their bloody inverses. If showing an aptitude to a skill in management requires demonstration of brute force number crunching skills, what really is the point?That might be just me trying to rationalize my inability to play a game whose rules have changed. But I really do want to do well in this test (which is not the CAT, by the way) as am just a few leaps of faith away from burning some solid bridges.

For the better part of 3 years, I have been struggling with reconciling my expectations with my life. While I still do not have a clear idea of what I want. I have become an intuitive expert in what I don't. I have not been very good in how I went about with managing this gap. It began with denial ("It is a phase. You will get over it"), anger ("if this is the best there is, logic states that things can only get worse"), self pity/loathing ("Man up, loser! There are people who would give an arm and a leg to be where you are now") and general disinterest in my own well-being.

At some point a change had to be forced and status quo disturbed. This is the logical attempt. I have given a haphazard, half-assed interview to a panel of IIM-A professors where my star statement was - "I don't follow current affairs nearly as much or as well as I should." - 1 point for honesty and -100 for general stupidity. Now I am following up on that with an equally (or possibly, even worse) effort on a shot at the IRMA entrance exam on Nov 14th.

The worst part is that I have taken 10 weeks off including a month on loss of pay to ostensibly prepare for these interviews and exams. Going back to work would be the worst thing that can happen to me now. Even as I wait for my Bullet Thunderbird to be delivered, the temptation is rather great to just hop on and ride away into a sunset. With no destinations or routes in mind.

Escapism has always been my strong suite...

AHA | Anger, Hunger and Anxiety!

2011-09-29T22:55:00.003+05:30

facet films in association with neo-ram-zeus trinity presents....

AHA | Anger, Hunger & Anxiety!

Scene 1:
07:30 AM. Jameel hurriedly signs in at the biometric attendance machine, greets no one, walks to his desk, docks the laptop, switches on the LCD, presses Function-F4 to wake up the sleeping laptop, maximizes the Microsoft Outlook window, presses F5, sees "Sending/Receiving messages", stares away into oblivion and sips from the new 500 ml Al Ain pet bottle. Anxious about what will arrive? No way....

Scene 2:
1:15 PM. Anushka tries to focus on the vendor's delivery methodology and risk mitigation plan, being massacred by the in-house team, in the board-room. Her stomach grumbles for the cut-fruits a few meters away. Everyone seems satisfied with Tea & Cigarette breaks. Hungry? No way…

Scene 3:
4.15 PM: Harry looks around his cubicle. It’s almost empty. The corporation teaches him to slog for another man’s selfish motives. Angry? No way…
Cut to…. The past…..

Scene 3A:
Harry and his friends flutter around the notice board. Has he been shortlisted out of the 300 others who applied? Anxious?

Scene 2A:
The taxi driver rolls down the window and asks “Where to?” . “Sharjah “ – Anushka replies meekly. That one too whizzes away. Granted, its rush hour, but he has not right to pick and choose a passenger! – Angry?

Scene 1A:
Jameel is balancing on the aluminium ramp and clamping network cables. It’s the 55th floor of an unfinished sky scraper, and it must be atleast 40+ in the room. He wipes beads of sweat from his forehead, and decides to continue with another hour of machine like repetitive clamping. It would take 25 minutes for him to get to ground zero and find something to eat. Hungry?

Dissolve into ….. Logo of AHA. Its like a chemical formula. One H atom and 2 A atoms… all 3 balls connected by coloured lines. The H-A relationship a double bond. The A’s are not connected. H in blue and A in black….

Roll credits….

Phew!

Primer

2011-08-02T22:28:00.001+05:30

Post vacation, I have been diagnosed with Acute Sinusitis and Acute Pharyngitis. I am on a 7 day course of Augmentin, Olfen, Otrivin and occasionally Panadol whenever I get fever. I am also on a 2 day sick leave , which has cost me an additional 900 rupees (Just to prove that I am sick, the doctor writes a certificate and the ministry of health stamps it, and charges me - fantastic! its a crime to be sick - even if you are only sick for 2 days in 3 years?)

So, I decided to watch "Primer" - IMDB Link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0390384/

I couldn't make heads or tails out of it. I am completely lost ... what does it mean?. If anyone has found any meaning to all of it, do let me know.
Meanwhile, I have decided not to give up and watch the next one "Pi".

TED | My new found escape

2011-07-30T14:16:00.007+05:30

For a long time, the only sites I used to visit were lifehacker.com, zenhabits.net, gulfnews.com ...

Not anymore, I have found a brilliant collection of talks by the most fascinating minds of our times --- www.ted.com. I spend an hour or two ,every Friday, listening to the talks. They are short (not more than 20 minutes), minimalistic, and truly matching the categorization the site has given - jaw-dropping, courageous , inspiring, informative.......

Here are some

Jaw-dropping:
A Robot bird that flies
The thrilling potential of Sixth Sense - by Pranav Mistry
Underwater Astonishments

Ingenious:
A rosetta stone for the Indus Script

Courageous & Disturbing at the same time
Sex Slavery & Trafficking in India

Funny:
Close up card magic tricks

Or , if you prefer the youtube way, search for "TED" on youtube. I am not sure, if all the talks are posted there.

Father

2011-05-04T10:17:00.003+05:30

For the longest of times, I was my momma's boy (in every sense, you damned cynics!) and pops always found the easiest way to get to my nerves.
The man was impeccable.
Everything I was not.
Restrained, patient, intelligent and compassionate.

I spent the last ~30 years trying not to be like him and I find myself copying his mannerisms and catchphrases to the point where I cannot recognize myself anymore. Maybe he is not such a bad guy, after all...

Organisized

2011-05-04T02:16:00.002+05:30

One of these days I have to do that myself just so that I can post here with any form of regularity. I have lost the inspiration to create any kind of contrived lyrical structures, that I call poems (Its mine and I have rights to name it what I want).

But half way through most drafts, I do hit delete and go back to sleep. I wish there was some way where I could train myself to sleepblog.

It might be way more interesting, unrestrained and actually readable.

30 c & b Life

2011-04-16T19:59:00.006+05:30

After almost 10 years, I watched a cricket match from start to end, and I must say it was worth it. India won the world cup! I was literally jumping around in my room , and could hear "Jai Ho!" and the sorts from every window around. This means, I could tell my daughter when she grows up - "We won the world cup!". I used to feel envious of the generation before me, who used to boast about the good olden days of Kapil Dev, when India won the world cup. Not anymore.
I don't know why I got so carried away, but it was truly an emotional moment. This also set me thinking in a freakonomics way -- Will this explode the market for cricket consumables and "Dhoni" wannabes ? or has it already? It is said that the cosmetics industry boomed in India after Aiswarya became the miss of the world and Susmita became the miss of the universe. :-) This also means that kids now get to say something like "I want to be a cricketer". Ouch!

---- This post has remained in the Draft Mode for quite some time and must be published!

Although I intended to add "Turning 30" to this post, I forgot what I wanted to blog about. So, I publish the draft as-is :)

My music. My curse.

2011-04-08T02:00:00.003+05:30

Is it that I really like music or just that I am much more afraid of silence?
Do I really want to stay immersed in this unfulfilled threat of violence?
Every song I know has something that irks me in at least one minor way.
Maybe its my pursuit to find the perfect song that has kept my real world at bay.
Each time I come across something fresh and something new,
I abuse it relentlessly until I hate it too.
Looping tracks over time, I keep my earphones plugged in right.
Songs during daytime to drown my co-workers and songs to drown my thoughts at night.
Here take this phrase and twist it into rhyme.
Fit it to this situation as you do time.
Lamest bands with the most clichéd of lines.
I contort my brain for some connected vibes.

Still I post lyrics, videos and critiques
On social networks, quite anti-socially.
Hoping someone, sometime, shares mutual experiences
The only manner with which to bridge these distances.

Kryptonite for every superman

2011-04-02T10:07:00.001+05:30

Wakes up at 6:30 and hops on to the treadmill.
The figurative kind. Imagine it, if you will.
Sleepwalking through the ablutions, until
Scalding jets from a shower head shrill.

Wakes you up for good. At least for now.
You pour a bowl of cereal, with milk in tow.
Distracted, unable to straighten your brow.
Time to commute and make it somehow.

Some days there's conversation on the way,
on others, just silence and mutual dismay.
On the automaton lives we live in this day.
Herded through paths without a say.

Yet in horizon, shining bright.
Like the only moon on a cloudy night.
You rise towards its dizzying height.
You embrace it even if its your kryptonite.

- Was sitting idle on my draft section for a long time. Finishing it felt necessary, though not satisfactory. Parts of it are fabrications. Most of it is untrue. But then you always knew that, didn't you.

Another day in the rest of my life

2011-02-24T11:53:00.002+05:30

One of the most boring cliches used is "Today is the first day of the rest of your life" - Isn't that true for every day?

And what does whatever done on day 1 have to do with how the rest of the days turn out to be? Too long I have waited for a defining moment where the slate would be wiped clean, I would break out of my shell and become the true man leading the life I so want to.

I think me constantly struggling inside my shell is my definition. If I ever got out, I probably wouldn't know what to do with myself. I am defined by the act of escaping. But that implies that I absolutely need this prison to continually plot my escape.

Sometimes I pause to think of how my life should play out. It is nothing like what is going on right now. I also think if there are others like me. Others who are bothered by the disconnect between what is happening and what could be/should be/would be happening instead. And the funny part is when I really think about it hard, I cannot visualize the exact life I might be living, all I can sense is a strong sense of rejection of this life that I am currently living in. It's like a body rejecting a donor organ even if that organ is necessary for survival. It's like the body's statement that it will be defined by the struggle rather than the survival.

I think it is my role to struggle and always feel like an outsider. It tires out the brain rather easily and makes it restless. The best part of my day is when I am driving back home around 10:30 at night. I plug in my headphones under my helmet and play my music as loud as I dare to while driving through Chennai traffic. Its probably the best 20 minutes of the day when there is nothing between the ears but blessed music.

This is as confusing a blog I have posted in a long time. But just as real as well.

Observations of an Unknown Indian

2011-01-11T18:55:00.000+05:30

It has been 3 weeks and 3 days since said unknown Indian has returned after nearly 5 years. The more the things change, the more they remain the same.

1. Bachelors in the IT industry are the lowest on the totem pole of rentable individuals. If you know what happens at the bottom of totem poles or any similar pole in India, you know that it is an unenviable location.
2. In 5 years my salary has more than doubled. Expenses are, however, projected to more than triple.
3. 'But you work in IT' is an acceptable reason to be overcharged, shortchanged and out-negotiated in any transaction.
4. Auto drivers seem surprisingly reasonable these days. Maybe the negativity over compensated on this one.
5. Commutes are unreasonable, fraught with danger and can suck the life out of the most chipper of us.
6. Maybe it's December, but the weather is glorious with barely any crippling rains or sapping heat.
7. Air conditioners are operated at a very high premium. Hotels don't run it. IT companies turn it off at night.
8. People have ready inputs on why you might have made a poor deal. Not one has offered a better deal, however.
9. Go with the flow but realize and recognize there ate some things that you must stand up for or against.
10. Despite all the obvious problems, the proximity to friends and family eliminates the captivity of negativity.

Good to be home.

White Trash

2010-10-15T16:17:00.002+05:30

If there was a color to Trash, it would be white, it would be white...

I believe in Djinns and Demons, and that ...
Horlicks is not the secret of energy, Hunger is ...

3 dots .... Create, Preserve and Destroy...
Remember, Repeat and Rinse! Nihuism is back!

Where is the time for elegance or an Aha! or a wow?
when the front line is money, and the bottom line is it too....

Zeitgeist Addendum was a real awakening, so was Inception,
and so is Food, and many other documentaries...

However, like coconut that is a must between steam cakes,
don't humans need be reminded ? oft and oft, till its a boring routine?

To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.
- William Blake, Auguries of Innocence

Thoughts in an unlit room

2010-09-11T08:40:00.002+05:30

The iPod plays the melancholy, meandering music of a million mortal coils unraveling.
For once I resist the urge to fill my brain with any form of distraction.
lights turned dim, I rest my eyes. Awake but not necessarily aware.
I contemplate my drink with a matter of fact acknowledgment that it is here and it is meant to be drunk.

My friends have all fallen asleep. Those that are awake still sleep walk. As for myself, I stay suspended between the realm of the living and the un-

The music is fortunately devoid of any words. I allow my brain to fill it in with an emotional context that is all my own. Why I am I so melancholy today? Is it cabin fever from spending all day indoors? Or more symptomatic of a more chronic evil?

The more I think, the more drunk I feel. It cannot be the liquor for it is still untouched. Maybe its my thoughts that finally can roam unhindered.

movie house and a girlfriend named Athena

2010-07-10T18:43:00.001+05:30

From across the movie hall was a tiny tea place with a stained samovar, lot of steam and open basket of snacks. As we drank from the cups there i eyed the slowly growing line at the hall entrance. With time i have perfected the entry time to these films. Not too early and look stupid, and not too late to miss any chance of watching the movie. Athena gave me a mild nudge with her elbows. Sign that i was silent for too long. Her friends were talking about the politics of abortion. I won't be forced to give an opinion that i don't have.

After finishing the cups we slowly walked to the hall. The white stairs that lead up were stained from years of abuse and poor maintenance. But the hall was in great condition. Every time i saw the entrance to the hall i remembered the puppet lions that danced on these screens, a scene from the first foreign film i saw here. This was Athena's first trip to this place. But she lead the way with a sense of familiarity.

As we pushed the door into the hall the large screen greeted us with a friendly authority. I felt its impatient gaze till we found a nice row to settle down. Soon it was dark around us with beams of light drawing pictures on the screen. Sounds broke into the air at rare intervals. I was engrossed in the movie that i forgot about Athena and her friends for some time. As the movie progressed the light beams painted more darkness on the screen. A piercing scream of agony with dark blood on the screen brought me back to my seat. I searched for Athena's hand to comfort her. I couldn't find it. Her seat was empty and so was the next. I was sitting in a row of empty chairs. My heart raced to a higher speed. I saw a human form near the exit. I ran behind it.

I was out in the deserted street which ran downhill towards a bunch of well lit houses. The girl who ran ahead of me has stopped now in the middle of the road. I was in two minds about approaching her when she turned around and beckoned me. I could see her face now. I asked her about Athena. She had no clue. She said she was lost and that she forgot the way to her place. She asked if i could help her find it. The movie reels were still rolling in my mind. I slowly walked back to the hall leaving her on the road. My shadow was almost invisible as i walked towards my seat. And i barely made a sound as i settled down. The light beams were still at work.

- From a dream.

Inviting death

2010-06-14T12:37:00.003+05:30

The mat that held me was held up in the air by 4 people. It was gliding through a narrow street which sloped down towards Ganga. When we reached the ghats they kept the mat down on the veranda of a small building. I remembered this place. Not long before i had come here with my friends. We were staring at the dead bodies, some burning and some waiting to be burned. A person who called himself the keeper of the eternal fire had shown us that fire. While my friend was trying to sneak a picture of the ghat which was a camera free zone i was eying the narrow, cozy lane that goes back to the town. Piles of dry wood were stacked everywhere. There was a corpse at the exact same place that i was lying now.

Will writing about death invite it? Was thinking about this little thing i wrote sometime last year, when I had a brush with death in December.

Falling Down

2010-06-12T09:39:00.002+05:30

The wind does not whip my face,
As I fall away from grace.
It really is no fall at all.

A slow elevator does descend,
Stopping at each apartment,
Taking more spectators along.

Some they watch with interests vested,
others, distracted, tweeted. Jested.
Like the crowds at the previews of Fall.

This is Falling. Falling down.
Each new day you break low ground.
Sinking into black abyss.

While you patiently wait, do remember to cooperate.
The bottom is far as you move along, sedate.
This is not an exit.

When it's over, it will be a mess.
Excused, perhaps, by drunkenness.
Though escape will still elude.

WTF

2009-11-30T17:52:00.002+05:30

"What on earth were you thinking?"

"Well, actually, I was thinking of something non-earthly"

"Oh! like heavenly?"

"Not exactly, which is precisely why I used the non existant term non-earthly instead of unearthly, and compared both of them in this sentence, when none of them are really valid".

"I am wondering why I am having this conversation".

"Possibly because you need solace for that broken bottle of milk, lying on the floor!".

"What! How did you know that?"

"You know, I know that you don't know that you have a problem with you, and I didn't know that you didn't have a problem knowing that you didn't know that you have a problem with you".

"what has happend to both of us?"

"which is the root cause, we are are just two voices in the same mind!"

"is this how people go mad? its really scary"

"wait till you stop realizing that its happening, then its all fun, and sometimes unexplained agony..."

"do you have any idea, what it means to put up with you?"

"who else would have a better idea than yourself?"

"you mean - myself?"

"yourself , myself, its all the same .. remember?"

"oooo... ok, i will go to sleep now"

"am wondering, how this all started..."

"oops! there it starts again!"

baggage cart with a broken wheel

2009-10-24T07:47:00.001+05:30

She runs across the airport floor,
heels tapping out an urgent encore.
Balances the over-sized glasses on her hair
And whispers to an ear disembodied, not there.
Half smile breaks the plane of her face.
She is not beautiful yet filled with grace.

As the endless belts roll on by
people, who to lay claim, lie
Still speaking as she hauls one on
to a little baggage cart that she has drawn
quick turn and there she stands framed
by the cart and and endless line of baggage unclaimed.

Engrossed she misses the pavement
Her lips make a perfect O of lament
As she twists an ankle and breaks the heel
of her left shoe and the baggage cart's left wheel
Looks around at a world running by
and hobbles on, embarrassed, without a reason why.

Wish

2009-08-24T10:02:00.003+05:30

I remember the woman who would look both ways
before she crossed the road, with animated scenes
of her own death being played in her perepheral vision

I wish i had those visions, of gory death, crushed
by a moving bus, or through derailment of a train,
add a bit of blood, or a lot of it, oozing from my flesh

I wish i could see, me cutting up myself to pieces,
driving nails through my bones, with a nice steel hammer,
that i could listen to my last hoarse breaths of life, in idle moments

I could use them over all these crazy images, that i
conjure from thin fucking nothings, which then haunt me
for minutes, hours and days, until a new one takes its place

The Least Interesting Man in the World

2009-08-21T07:59:00.003+05:30

With Apologies to a comic on the Internets
who's careful stick figures stand up in jest
Like this protagonist from weeks ago,
I do haunt this blog with a furrowed brow.

Should I post about this most prosaic of days?
Or rave and rant in panicked dismay?
Should I stay ensconced in the captivity of negativity?
Be verbose or go on an exercise of brevity?

Shall I resist the urge to apologize?
For the lack of posts to plagiarize?
Or should I succumb to my urges as a quitter?
And limit myself to 140 characters on twitter?

Whichever be the path on the fork that's chosen,
This one thing shall remain frozen.
Even now as in days of old,
I shall remain the least interesting man in the world.

Fear

2009-08-11T16:54:00.003+05:30

The ridge was so narrow that he feared for his life every time he took a step forward. He feared that the thorny branches will tear up his skin when he walked forward. He feared that he will break the delicate glassware that were kept on the stools which lined the muddy path. And he slipped and fell into the abyss. He picked the thorns and saw blood dripping from his flesh. Red colour added to the mud when he stepped on the broken glass. He went for a mad rush. He feared that he will never reach the end of the path. He slipped again.

Insomnia Strikes Back

2009-06-17T10:37:00.002+05:30

Been a while since it struck this bad. But here goes nothing in the wee hours where as they say nothing good ever happens.

I am doing this experiment where I count sheep and recount my thoughts as I go through with it. To make things as interesting as possible I plan to count backwards instead of counting up.

Gives you a perspective of being on the road walking towards something rather than walking away from someone...

So arbitrarily and for no apparent reason. Six-Hundred-And-Fifty-Five...
Mental note to count each number as 'ex' 'hund-redd' 'aand' 'yy' where ex and yy are variables. Note that this is a more elaborate construct than say exx zedd yy where 100x+10z+y represents the number...

Counting back like this should ensure that you never actually hit 0 or worse having to count back to minus-six-hundred-and-fifty-five. This exercise seems to be built upon the inability of the normal human being to perform any action undistracted. So while counting down to six-hundred-and-thirty-eight your mind does a little flip and worries about the tick tock of the single clock in the darkness...wonders what hour the hand is holding up its accusatory finger at this time. Now you do not know if its six-hundred-and-twenty-one or six-hundred-and-thirty-one you were supposed to be on.

As a conciliatory measure go for the average of both numbers and resume at six-hundred-and-twenty-six. Now a little ping from the laptop where somebody someplace away has twittered/twitted/twot a little twit (Oxford better find some new nouns, pronouns, verbs and adjectives to address twitter-nation's self-importance).

Arbitrarily down to six-hundred-and-eleven for no good reason. Realizes the pointlessness of this blog...However seeing as how the other more eloquent contributors remain silent, this is the best you can expect for a while....

Promise to be back with better crap than this... six-hundred-and-six...

postito ergo sum

2009-04-26T10:31:00.001+05:30

fingers hover above the darkened keyboard
the mind freezes and urges restraint
"you know that road and you have been down there before"
yet another voice raises itself, insistent

"if everything was cause and effect and cold logic
we would not need hearts and minds to navigate
life would have neither mystery no magic
and thats something you would love to hate"

thus the hemispheres trade in argument and counter-
each blow weakening the mind and its resolve
every thought mounts a challenge before it quickly flounders
standing by the sidelines you watch yourself devolve.

eventually you will drive into distraction
look away from a mirror held up to your streak, yellow.
willfully throw yourself under wheels of destruction
swallow pride and associated spirits and say "Hello..."

commute

2009-03-04T09:00:00.000+05:30

1
Air was mildly chilly and it coupled with a feeling of death made my body ice cold. The mild perfume from the girl sitting next to me couldn't add a tiny bit of life to it. But then a swift wind germinated a tear in my left eye. It slowly collected the bits of sorrows that were scattered in my mind and grew large enough to drop down to my lap. The body shuddered as warmth returned to it.

2
I sniffed at the air, what was that smell, was it a psychoactive drug?, my eyes were hit by the red neon lights, my head rocked from side to side from the broken road, is this air drugged?, the bumps were hitting my head again, I remembered the unmatched giant breasts of a dead woman on the screen, I told her not to lift her top again, can i have some more of the hallucinogenic drug?, the green and red lights hit the eyes again, the piercing voice in my ear is changing speed, direction, techno beats, when did i start liking them, I saw the hot woman in red sari swinging her head in wild abandon, I am getting out of the trance, give me another dose.

Waiting Room

2009-02-25T05:25:00.002+05:30

He sat quietly on the chair besides the receptionist's window. He was out of the receptionist's point of view. When her fine Anglican tones invoked his foreign native name, it did not register. He continued to stare past the window at the trees dead in the thawing snow.

After a second failed attempt at calling him, the receptionist leans over the window and looks him dead in the eye and says with a genuine smile "The doctor will see you now". He snaps out of his reverie and walks towards the doctor's office. The memory of her smile kicks in to remind him that he hadn't smiled back. Rather belatedly he smiles at the fire extinguisher by the door as he steps in, immediately realizing the futility of the gesture.

The doctor checks his pulse, looks in his mouth, checks his lungs and reads his pressure. Finally snapping off her gloves, she says "For someone your age, your blood pressure is high. Try to cut down on your caffeine intake."

He mutters something about decaf or something. The doctor goes on uninterrupted "See me again in 3 months time That should tell us if the blood pressure reading is one off or if its symptomatic."

He takes her leave and remembers to smile and wish her a good day, almost as if making up for not smiling back to the receptionist. But the doctor has already started looking into her X-ray for the next patient and mutters a vague acknowledgment.

Vaguely underwhelmed, he walks back to the hallway hoping to find the receptionist and flash a big smile. She is not there. She is out back smoking sweet death. He sighs and walks out into the cold and wonders if its colder inside or here by his car as flurries spun around his ears.

He steps inside and drives away as 106.9 WCCC blared "Loud Love" by SoundGarden...

Day

2009-02-13T22:30:00.005+05:30

I was reminded of this post made in a different time and place by a kindred spirit. I outright copied him for this. So no claims of originality here...

Day is the about the time between sunrise and sunset.
Its when melatonin is suppressed and most primal emotions are repressed.
Its when you are supposed to be awake and you are not.
Day is about work, spilt milk and quick cuts and dissolves.
Day is about fluorescent lights, attention disorders and more...

Day is a Trojan that escapes the nightly virus scan and is the wreaking havoc on your imagination's filesystem.
But since imagination too is a sentient concept within the Matrix, it also somehow escapes the scan. There is really no need for another virus to combat it...
Day as in Slay is the beating of dead imagination's horses.

Day is, the incessant background conversations that drones over the soundtrack of your brain.
Tight close-ups, in fact are the only things missing from Day - that makes it stop short of a daytime soap opera.
Day is your irrational attempt to subdue your thoughts from the night before...
Day is also the boundary of not just light and darkness...
but also the boundary inside defining emotion and action...

Day is about Dissociative Identity Disorder about how your dreams of what you ought to be
Rises in direct conflict with the reality of what you have become
Day is a game of chess...maneouvers and counter-maneouvers...stabs and back-stabs
Day is a concept that I have shunned for a long time...
Day is the result of our lost nights...

Day is the reason, that I am typing all this when I should have been writing functional requirements.
I may be wrong, but if you are anything like who I am, you are putting off work reading this too...
Day is when the train of thought runs on multiple parallel tracks and sometimes on collision courses...
The cold waves of air blitzing through the air conditioner pulverizes the brain to super-conductivity and the trains run amok.
Day is the reason, I dread waking up, because it makes life a chore.

Day is where the questions come up?
I cannot tell you what my day is like...You have to endure it for yourself.
For some of us day doesn't exist, we sleepwalk alone in crowds before waking up in our sleep.

Day is the reason, I refuse to think about my life,
even if I can't stop myself and fatigue by just keeping these thoughts away.
if I were to say , "dont think about her and..." slip into this...
"If we submit this PCR document by noon today, will the stakeholders provide timely approval?"
Did you just hit your mailbox to see if you have any emails requiring your approval? Or did you not care like me?

Day is your prison, where you will be held against your wish until night.
You have the right to remain silent and anything you say will be used against you in a court of flaw.
Day is your reminder that you are in this alone.
Day is what you do to get to Night.

This exposition on Day is quite frankly boring.
Today is however the one day that I am thinking about Day.
Day is when you fall to the ground with burnt wings from flying too close to the sun.
Day is when the moth with burnt wings is no better than the ant without any...
Day is the curse for many.

Day is about looking at that pretty girl in the cafeteria, catching her eye, then thinking involuntary dirty thoughts before shuddering in distaste.
Day is about existence justification, memory of a simpler times and looking back at embers of bridges glowing behind us (to a dream of how green it was on the other side)
Day is about forgetting friends, ideas, imagination and remembering painful things from your past.
Day is about maximizing opportunities and leveraging angles.

Day is not new.
Day is always a struggle. Once infected by it, you will never be cured.
Day is when you realize the ugly moth that stepped out as a beautiful butterfly still shits the same crap as it did before.

Day is when we think of excuses for another day.
Day is how I spend waiting for Night.
Day is about looking forward to your new dreams...
while also mourning the death of your old dreams.

Day is about abstract psycho-babble,
MS Excel, Word, Office and Outlook.
Day is about coffee breaks, saying "Hi. This is Bala" and putting yourself on mute for the rest of the meeting.
Day is about being cattle herded through life with the occasional paranoid delusion of being creative

And finally, Day has no finality and it always merges imperceptibly into Night.
Day does not lead us into Night on a timetable set by light...
Day is the dread that the Night, however sweet, will not be long...

Non-Sequitur

2009-02-13T18:51:00.002+05:30

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot?
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Each prayer accepted and each wish resigned."

Happy Valentine's Day...Watch this great movie with a loved one...and fall in love with life again...

Homecoming

2009-02-13T10:46:00.003+05:30

post oh-one for year oh-nine...
haven't been blogging for a while since i have been taking to heart something a friend of mine once asked, "u write when u are all cranky...u never write nice things"...
so i figured i will wait until i find something nice to write about for once. the counter-argument was always on that if i did write something nice, it probably would not be true.

counter-counter-argument now is that no body really cares if i write cranky stuff or not...at least not the readers of this blog (who can be counted on the fingers of a man with a hand that is missing some fingers...)

intellectual arguments soon devolve to ineffectual arguments for me. so i will not counter the counter-counter one...(hey you coders out there, does blogger have a counter that validates the counts of my args? don't get upset all u syntax and code gurus...its just me blabbering again!)

so yeah...having rambled on a good while...lemme see if i can somehow reach the meat of what i am trying to say...

of late life has been boring to a horrifying degree...life had nothing to look forward to...nothing to look back and reminisce nostalgically (not entirely true since the past is always beautiful even if it was every bit as ugly then as the present is now...rose tinted one way glasses if you can call it that)...

so here i sit with seven novels that i intend to read (actually have begun three and suspended them animatedly)...
also am idling with two dvds from netflix as yet unseen and thrity-two more in queue...not to forget the nine that are on instant queue (again begun three and suspended animatedly)
i look at my collection of nearly five thousand six hundred songs every now and then and listen to one, two or three songs at a time that grab my fancy...

music is the one place i have found something to interest me these days. having discovered on online radio station thanks to my buddy who sent me the link, i have been discovering music and i am seeing a lot of links between bands, i read them up on wikipedia, vicariously live out their lives and listen to their songs as they occurred in points of their lives. its heady at times...

one of the direct consequences of the slacker revolution has been my immersion into grunge, alternative metal, speed metal, thrash metal and death metal in that approximate order.

so in what is the first of, something i hope to be my series of posts over the next uncertain days, months or (hopefully not) years, is my discussion to myself about grunge.

grunge/alternative metal are used interchangeably and mostly point to the sound of the seattle four who began it in the late 80s to the early 90s. before getting into the details of the seattle four (i came up with this imaginative term...the wiki-able term would probably be seattle sound), lets look at what led to the grunge movement in music.

the late 70s to early 80s of contemporary music devolved into glam rock and glam metal bands who were more concerned with their make-up eye-shadow and glitter than a modern day katy perry/britney spears...and these are men we are talking about...and the less that is said about their lyrical content the better...glorified by such masterpieces as "iiiiii...wanna rock n roll all night.....paaarty every dayyyy" over and over about 100 times in a 4 minute song overloaded with six guitars, a heavy drum kit, two to three vocalists and an insufferable keyboard player (personally no metal band should ever have a keyboard player no matter how cool avial sounds...)

needless to say some people had enough of these preening corporate puppets who churned out mindless album after album. the mid 80s saw the rise of a seattle based band known as soundgarden with a radically distorted guitar played by kim thayil (yep expat mallu in the works...) and furious four octave vocalist chris cornell. soundgarden had several abstract songs and music arrangements that had not been heard of back in the day and the fans who were looking for an iota of feeling in their music gravitated towards this seattle sound.

soundgarden lay a platform upon which a phenomenal new band stood and shone brighter than any other...nirvana...led by a tragic hero in the lines of jim morrison of the doors, kurt cobain was the god of grunge. his strangled vocals trapped the angst of a generation as he sang about love and loss. to this day i get goosebumps when i hear his voice on the radio.

close on the heels of nirvana followed anothe seattle band pearl jam with eddie vedder providing his own howling crazy vocals to back his angst ridden lyrics. there was even a trash talking war were kurt dismissed eddie and jam as being grunge rip-offs feeding of the nirvana success.

pearl jam however has remained alive for the longest and is the one band that still has potential to churn out an album in this century.

the last of the seattle four to burst on the music scene was alice in chains...and to my uninformed mind, this band shone brightest and for the shortest time. led by another lovely singer layne staley, the trauma of their songs is fresh to anyone who has felt alive and thus has felt pain at some time in their lives...

its of layne and curt that i will speak the most here simply because i wiki'd them the most and they are the only ones who are dead now...eddie and chris continue to make music in some form or shape to this day...even if soundgarden is long defunct and pearl jam is almost irrelevant...

both layne and kurt were born in sixty-seven, with kurt being the older. both had troubled childhoods with separated parents and traumatized school lives...both spiraled into drug addictions that played its part in their demise...both were uncomfortable in their own celebrity which may or may not have driven them deeper into their addictions...kurt blew his brains out on april fifth ninteen-ninety-four at a scary young age of twenty-seven...layne dropped out of limelight and public sight soon after kurt's death and eight years to the day, was found in his apartment dead from an overdose of cocaine and heroin on april fifth two-thousand-two...

eerie similarities apart, to me layne's addiction and devolution was more painful to even read about since the man clearly understood what it was doing to him and was powerless to stop it...whereas kurt seems to have depended on his addiction to release his pain from the real world.

its easy to dismiss both people as having taken the easy way out and not faced life. and we can even take some pride in ourselves not resorting to any debilitating addictions to handle our own messed up lives...but i feel we ought to acknowledge their struggle and take some inspiration from their pain and handle ourselves in the best way we can which does not hurt us or the ones we care about....friends, family and well wishers...

if i am not really making much sense, just go on and listen to a few songs by nirvana and alice in chains...make up your own mind about how you feel about them...and how you feel about me...

for now i am just soaking in music as i let life glide along its unhindered path...
nirvana - come as you are
nirvana - the man who sold the world
nirvana - where did you sleep last night
nirvana - all apologies
nirvana - basically grab the mtv unplugged album for nirvana...solid gold

alice in chains - rotten apple
alice in chains - nutshell (my personal favourite...very dear to me)
alice in chains - man in the box
alice in chains - angry chair
alice in chains - same rule as for nirvana...grab the mtv unplugged album...gold.

p.s - some of you dear readers do not like this kind of music...and that's fine....i still love you all...

Morning Elegance

2009-02-12T21:49:00.000+05:30

Reels

2009-01-01T19:09:00.000+05:30

D1 :
cupid comes in the form of a cavalcade of trailers. g is left behind in the company of lone monkey
in the middle of the road.
g : wait guys, wait for me.
lone_monkey : hey g, it doesnt kill to spend some time with me.
g : dont stare at me, it creeps me out.
lone_monkey : can't control it.
g : lunges forward, to the small gap in the cavalcade. gets carried to D2.

l_from_D2 : l, you fuck up, what did you do to get her crazy.

D2 :
cupid comes in the form of a unbalanced feet. g loses her balance while jumping over the divider in the road,
loses her glasses. The glasses were shattered.
lone_monkey : hey g, can you see without them.
g : barely, i can see your shape only.
l : come hold my hand.
g_from_D1 emerges from between the trailers.
g_from_D1 : g, dont take his hand, hes a creep. hes a hopeless fucked up guy.
g : why do you say that.
helps her safely to the next side.
g : thanks l.
l jumps drags g_from_D1 and jumps back to D1.

D3 :
cupid is not seen and l is waiting for him. g is getting impatient waiting to cross the road.
l : hey g, do you see me.
g : doesnt hear l.
l shakes g holding her sholders.
l : i am here, in flesh and blood. cant you see me.

PS : Blogger took me here through a button called New Post. But this is an (very)old post. Don't tell him :)

Observations of a 5-day gym n00b

2008-12-05T18:12:00.001+05:30

It has been a while since I made any decent, relevant update on this little corner. Not that there was a dearth of material to write about and get off my chest. More that such exercises have harmed others more than they have helped me in the past. So I bite back on the impulse for any more soul searching and stick to these "observations", if I might call them that.

An ever expanding waist line and the crushing desperation of not doing anything worthwhile with my life has led me to decide that about an hour manipulating unfriendly equipment inside an air-conditioned room is the way to go about things.

Its been 5 days since I began on this little gig. I mostly do Aerobics only, concentrating almost exclusively on the Elliptical Trainer which is like a treadmill and an exercycle rolled into one. For someone of my size and weakness in the knees, this is probably the best option that will help burn some weight off without busting a kneecap.

I average about 30 minutes a day on the trot and about 3.3 miles at a time. Not bad considering that I am going from 0 minutes a day and about 0 miles at a time.

What have I learnt in these 5 days? For someone who has nothing and no one to care about and take care of, this is the one tiny opportunity to take care of myself. If only for 30 minutes at a time.

However the nihilistic streak in me does not acknowledge this as being something good for myself. I look at them as 30 minute exercises of self destruction and more importantly the subsequent reward of salvation and redemption. Fleeting as it feels, its worth it when you get there.

The French have a poetic choice of words when describing an orgasm. They call it "La Petit Mort" or The Little Death. Without any associated weird sexual imagery let me just say that this comes close.

Having seen this and felt that, I believe its important to push yourself a little bit more and little bit harder the next time because, even as cliched as it sounds, that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. As a newbie I am calling out to a veteran to share his experiences. "Phobos" I am talking to you...

Swaraj Road - The Freedom Circle

2008-10-29T11:07:00.000+05:30

Crib Season - Episode 4

6.30 in the morning. The silver alto looks like a bullet on the relatively free kunnamkulam - thrissur NH47. 80 km/hr, not bad. I've got an appointment with the doctor. Need to rush! There is a gentle fog, which adds to the eerie early morning experience. Double strong Red Label Tea is what keeps me awake. Out of nowhere, an autorickshaw appears on the wrong side, circles on the middle, breaks, moves forward, breaks again... confused driver? drunken driver? out of control? I dont know. Nevertheles, the universe decided to say "NO" to my best efforts to keep away from him. Thud!( Initial Contact), Chlimblimbilim! (Mirrors), Plop! Spfeeeee (Tyres)

My left fender crumpled and dug a dent into the giant (this was not a normal auto, looked like a tractor with autorickshaws bodywork) autorickshaw's rear, left door jammed, mirror lay scattered, plastics reins holding the engine to the body broke, left tyre punctured, front seat passenger aghast, mud flaps twisted and choked... I came to a punctured halt. The road is still quiet. We parked the car immediately and hopped on to the next bus. The Doctor's appointment is too precious to be lost for the petty thousands we could get from the poor auto driver. On his side, half a day's paint and dent work would do fine.

Why ?

Dividers: There are no dividers. So, cyclists, human beings, dogs, cats, cars or anything mobile can CROSS the road anywhere! You need to be extra alert for the ... CROSSINGS (aargh!) crossings happen left to right, right to left, middle to left, left to middle, middle to right, right to middle, at an angle, may take a parabolic path, may suddenly stop , think and then move forward OR may stop , think and turn a U-Turn to go back to where they started. In short, the possibilities are immense... the best you can do is "SOUND HORN OK PLEASE". Which means, use horn no less than once every 10 seconds, announcing your arrival. Cyclists and human beings dont have REAR VIEW MIRRORS, Autos, Cars and Buses dont use them. So, no-one is bothered about the main road user's priviliges, when he or she enters from a pocket road. The rule is "DIVE STRAIGHT IN.. GOD will SAVE US". No driving school teaches you to use mirrors.

Road Width: The breadth of the road varies from 3 feet to 13 feet. Turn a quick turn on a super highway, and dont be surprised to find a BRIDGE where only ONE vehicle can pass at a time! So, if you grew accustomed to say moderatly wide roads for about 30 minutes and decide to Overtake... hold your horses, you dont know what lies ahead! Caution: This width is not guaranteed ahead. Lets take a normal National Highway, NH47 in kerala. Average Width of the road: 13 feet.Width of 1 Tata Bus: 6.4 feet. So, if two buses are moving in the opposite direction, they have 6 centimetres distance, between them. And the buses routinely do 80-90 km/hr. Wait a minute! Are buses the only vehicles ? The smallest car (alto) has a width of 4.8 feet, so cannot pass through the 6 centimetre gap. If the bus ahead stops for something, all vehicles behind stop. There are no footpaths, so human beings and cyclists sometimes occupy 1-2 feet. Motorbikes take 3 feet or drive in the middle. Which means, there is no choice but to Overtake!

Overtaking: The direct consequence of the above mentioned eeny weeny Road Width. Everybody overtakes. Without it there is no go. Even if you are the slowest vehicle on the road, what if the Gujarat Registration Granite Truck decides to stop abruptly on the elevating road, because he's seen a sign ? "TODDY SHOP". Even your Avanti will have to overtake him, or you have 6 centimetres to pass through, or you wait till he has finished and gets back into the truck. Not everybody has the same control in overtaking. So its wrong to believe that, on the wrong side, a bus overtaking a car overtaking a cycle overtaking a dog (All in the same lane), will safely pass through. Following the width rules mentioned above, you have no space to pass through!!! So you wait, until the bus has passed you. Your speed calculation cannot account for things like, what if the tea drinking bypasser decides to bend down to pick up a 10 rupee note? or what if the motor cyclist loses his balance because of the side stand ?

Autorickshaws: Autorickshaws have one wheel in the front , which makes them believe they have the same privileges as two wheelers, and can squeeze their nose into any gap between vehicles. Autorickshaws are also the ONLY vehicles which can take an abrupt 90 degree turn, when they are running at 60 kmph. Why ? Thanks again to the SINGLE front wheel. If an auto wants to move from your left to right, what does he do? Put his stinky nose a.k.a front wheel in, you dont want to step over that single innocent wheel. But hey, its not only the wheel, there's a body to follow... so wait!

Swaraj Round (Thrissur): Truly, The freedom circle. A 20 feet wide circular display of human beings mixed modes of transport every conceived in a colourfull (polluted), musical (horns / swearing), circus! No lanes, Two set of signals, atleast 12-14 entry/exit points. No Lanes! No Lanes! No Lanes! Mixed traffic. The best thing to do here is to focus on what you see in the front. Yes, dont think about your sides, or back, just focus on what appears through the front screen. Hey, watch out for people running helker skelter, cars parked on the right, and taking reverse, buses stopping abruptly to pickup people, autorickshaws changing lanes like sperms, and occasionaly, a traffic police officer wondering why you are not wearing seat-belt!

Crazy bikers: Dear brothers at their own risk. Personally, I dont have the time to think about them, if they are cross cutting lanes, recovering from pot-holes, or balancing at the edge of road and about to fall, trying to balance passenger, luggage, helmet, clutch, break, gear and show an hand-signal. Overtake at your own risk.

phew!
Should I stop using Commas and Parantheses?

Snail Mail

2008-10-28T22:59:00.000+05:30

Crib Season - Episode 3

Other than the launch of a new logo, some more stamps, and stupid services, Indian Postal service has further deteriorated. I compare the time taken to deliver a letter, and the distance it has to travel.

Incident 1:
Sam receives the hall-ticket and invitation to a common entrance test for B.Sc Microbiology at Calicut University. Interestingly, the letter arrives at 11 AM. The exam which has already started at 10 AM would be an unfair deal for Sam to attempt now, considering that 1 hour makes a huge difference for an objective exam, and that Calicut university is 80 kilometers away. When was the letter (ON I.G.S - India Government Service) posted ? A whopping 7 light years (ok, hold it.. 7 days), ago. Why does it take 7 days for an exam notification to travel 80 kilometers ?

I have been thankful earlier for this delay, because "Parent - Teacher's meet" notifications from Engineering College (305 kilometres away) and School (5 kilometers) away, arrive late (approximately a week late, irrespective of the distance), due to which Parent's never attend them! Thanks!

Incident 2:
ICICI banks sends an important notification to M, via Indian Postal Service. 2 weeks and it hasn't arrived. Since, it requires a signature and M cannot travel, upon complaining, ICICI decides to send it again. 2 more weeks, and it still hasn't arrived. ICICI decides to use a local courier and delivers it in 4 hours ( distance travelled - 18 kilometers approximately). A few weeks later, the first letter sent through Indian Post arrives! 28 days for a letter to travel 18 kilometers ? Sure, they put it on a snail!

Incident 3:
Brother's birthday. We decide to send him a post card. Ignoring my wife's suggestion to send it as "Book Post" (meaning anyone can open and read it), I decided to splurge Rs 30 extra, not for the ugly stamps and stinking paste, but for Speed (POST) and privacy. Yes, I wanted it to arrive no later than 7 days. The counter staff re-assured me that the letter's Thrissur to Pune travel would be completed in less than 3 days. I doubted. The update: He never got it! Something sent through Speed Post, how cruel of them to lose it?

"Sir, Is there a solution ? Do you F***ing really sort the letters based on priority? Do you Blind old dumb A**holes even bother to look at the "SPEED POST" or "REGISTERED POST" written in Bold ? Do you read "Gandiji's Talisman' written at every damn post office?".

"Ho ho ho... Whats the big deal? you didnt get a letter ? Go give a complaint."

Don't fall sick!

2008-10-26T23:34:00.001+05:30

This is the only piece of advice I have , if you are going to live in Kerala. Don't fall sick! Apart from the physical , mental and financial trauma, sickness could also contribute to bankruptcy, rift amongst relatives, hatred for insincere medical practitioners, nurses, pharmacists, hi-tech scans and numerous blood tests, there is but, the endless waiting... and more waiting.

Kerala has the healthiest population in India. Or is it ? Sickness is also a time you realize the need of a car and parking space. To get an appointment with a good doctor, you stand in the queue at 3 am in the morning. But then , you see sick, old , poor human beings, and feel sad.

The only thing that could boost your morale at that time, is talking. If you are not an avid talker interested in how your neighbour in the queue got a disease, which place he/she is from, occupation, life history, children and so forth, you are doomed. All you would notice is the mosquitoes, the cries from the lobbies, the white walls with verses from holy books, smiling nurses, angry attendants, mumbling sweepers, flickering lights, nauseating smells, burnt out accountants and cashiers, confused relatives and emptiness.... as if all the race has suddenly put a full stop. Forget the nosy parkers, you might develop some genuine friendships or concern for your fellow human being. That is the only good thing about being down.

Before the emptiness sinks down, you get a new bill , with which you rush to the counter, 1 hour for the queue to get the written bill typed, 30 minutes for paying the bill - another queue, and another 30 minutes for getting the medicine or say 1 needle ? Repeat this forever and forever.

I walked up to the manager's room and said, "I will pay you Rs 15,000 upfront, please dont make me run around, I am required to be with the patient". He said "Most people wont agree with that, you might come back and question. Sorry boy, here the system is like this, live with it".

So my dear friends, whatever you do .. . please don't fall ill!

System.RESET

2008-10-25T19:28:00.000+05:30

System.Reset (An awfully long and typical neo post with no sense or purpose)

Re-starting blogging is not going to be easy. 2 years after bidding Adieu to programming, the best title I could come up with was "System.Reset".

After thinking, re-thinking, analyzing, re-analyzing, calculating, re-prioritizing, there still are no answers. Probably, the escapist way to define it would be 'Its the journey that defines life, not the destination'.

There have been quite a few revelations. I think I have completed a revolution, and am back to square 1. Every time that I felt that I was getting overly attached with a place, I ran away from there. Unlike Alexander, who became sad that there are no more worlds to conquer, I became sad knowing that there are no more places to run away. And then, I decided to stop, turn around and fight. Stupid. Period.

Fight with yourself, and you can fight anyone. ~ FIGHT CLUB.
After fighting for a while, I realized, why fight ? why persist ? why not give up ? ~ AGENT SMITH
Well, failure turned out to be too yummy. Like caffeine, there was a high rise - Hell yeah! and then a sudden crash, like being blown away from the edge of a cliff.

A quick re-union with classmates turned out to be very interesting. While we all pretend to be confused, unsure about the next step, there is something taking us forward. Whats it called ? TIME ? MONEY ? Dear old Ram was the only one I could relate to. While I selfishly and meekly blabbered about my choices and what lies ahead, Ram's thoughts were about travel, photography, poverty, women rights and so forth. That could be why he is at peace :)

While all the self-development/destructive blogs preach the same thing ~ Dont do the obvious job, take an untreaded path, believe in yourself, all woes can be probably summarized as priyan's cataclysmic conclusion - Get out of the room! Get un-plugged from the internet!

'The greatest of sins are committed, when we feel we are beyond questioning'. There could be nothing more tortorous than that statement. I have tried drowning in code, keeping myself busy, keeping myself free, being totally jobless, doing a couple of freelance projects, and so on. The Tax payer / NRI identity crisis continues.

A rather stupid dream. An Internet Cafe (4 comps), DTP, Web designing, Software Development and Training, Computer Repair / Servicing / Sales. No matter how busy, have dinner with family! What's stopping me from doing it ? My B.Tech degree :) My ex-GULF shadow, That look in their eyes, customs and festivities plagued society, and most importantly 1 USD = 50 Rupees (Holy shit!)

I could brag on and on, crib endlessly, but in the end, it feels like looking at a 5 year younger me in the mirror. And I am not that young anymore. Bua ha ha.

Hopefully, tomorrow morning, everything will be clear. Its raining here, and is refreshingly dark! Clubbed to that is the frequent power-cut, and disrupted communication lines. yeeha!

PS: Spelling and grammar was entirely Blogger's responsibility to correct.
This post violates my new year resolution. Bua ha ha ha.

How to lose friends and alienate people

2008-10-09T02:41:00.005+05:30

A quick look back to my last two and a half years coupled with an attempt to make some sense of the things that have happened in this time, would do complete justice to this post's title. I have grown older and not necessarily wiser in the meantime and have had some experiences that were good, some others that were bad and whole lot of others that were plain mediocre.
As always over-philosophizing without the requisite intellectual wherewithal is a recipe for disaster. And an unequivocal one it was...

In an ever more confusing attempt to understand the purpose of my existence, the future I need to work towards and the ideals that I must aspire to...
In other words trying to figure out just what the fuck am I doing here and now...
I believe I have taken the escapist route of finding within that very real realm of imagination I call movies to find characters who mirror my present situation and see where they go with that, by the time the movie ends.

I have not found a single movie that is an accurate reflection of me which might provide a blueprint for my next steps. Instead I have found myself picking the best answer amongst the options available to me.
So who am I?
Patrick Bateman? pissed off with myself but certainly not as hot or as deadly.
Neo? I can quote him and Morpheus to the point of absurdity but the concept of me be being the world's strongest virus program simply is not appealing.
Sidney Young? quirky, crazy and not accepted - Yes. gets the girl in the end - Hell no!
Jack the Narrator? sick of my life, my work and piled up with an urge to pump several rounds into several heads - Yes. Willing to split myself into Tyler Durden to take me past lines drawn by others - Not yet...I think

So basically what all of these dumb solution-evaluation-shite has done is that I assumed persona briefly and judged the reaction from people. And I have come to the conclusion that I have discovered How To Lose Friends And Alienate People successfully. Liked that movie too by the way...

a passing phase (old post)

2008-09-08T16:26:00.000+05:30

his eyes were locked on a pair of breasts
his heart thought about love
and his mouth blabbered on to avoid the vaccum
his legs tapped to a stupid tune

thoughts crawled his mushy brain
like slithering snakes, venomless
as in useless, and he thought he would go mad
if the breasts didn't stare back at him

Chaos Theory

2008-06-23T20:11:00.001+05:30

Day before yesterday, I saw "Chaos Theory" and laughed at a control freak going out of control.
Today morning someone picked up a fight with me, for being plain lazy.
Tomorrow noon, I think I should seriously update my CV!

Bala once said the most scariest thought, is the feeling that we are becoming the ones we hate the most. I think I've already become one of "them" ! Why should we resist when "The simplest explanation is the best?". Why should we overly complicate things, when billions accept the monster, yup, he's there!

To add fuel to the fire,
Yesterday, I watched "Garshom" - The story of an ex-gulf budhi jeevi (One who thinks a lot, does very little), who returns to kerala, to setup a business. And in the end, the message displayed in the beginning of the film turns out to be true

And her two sons; of which the name of the one was Gershom; for he said, I have been an alien in a strange land: Exodus 18:3

Whatever that means, honestly, its better to belong nowhere and face the identity crisis ~ be a foreigner in one's own land. That way, you can make yourself believe, that you are no ordinary farmer, born to fear the lightning, call it god and cultivate potatoes; You are here to make a dent in the universe! ouch!!

Sunday's supplement (Sri) had a 4 page article on how a Crorepati businessman now begs for 100/500, thanks to the strike by INTUC and AITUC at his factory. All in god's own country. Its not that I tried to start my own business - Heck! Why should I even try?

I am nearing the end of my 3 month parole, and would soon need to publish my priority list for remote destinations. I think Life too needs the same answer as the God question I gave last year - "Forget it, everything is right, everything is wrong, don't cheat, do your job (keep yourself busy) and shutup!"

NERD without brains

2008-06-07T04:29:00.001+05:30

Hmm...first post in a while.
This could be interesting. Recently a more well qualified NERD (on his way to becoming a muscle laden JOCK as well) introduced me to wwww.xkcd.com

Was weird off-beat and inaccessible to a large percentage of the population...But as soon as I got into the mode, I was rolling on the floor laughing (Would my use of ROFL here have made me a NERD with brains?).

Anyway...the point is all the humour mixed with algorithm and physics references that I pick more often than the average guy gives me a self satisfying smug feeling (like when you fart a really smelly one that runs everyone out of the room. You know its gross but it feels deeply gratifying).

Raised by parents who always told me for every 100 people I was better than, there were at least 10 who were better than me...And I should be running away when they fart rather than revel in the mass exodii (Is that a plural for exodus? Neo, I am not too far from you when it comes to inventing new words and grammar...Kaargh thoo!) that happens upon mine...

A self deprecating fart thus evolved...Silent and deadly with a ventriloquistic elegance that used a worm hole in the space time continuum to attach itself to a foreign anus.

I am digressing...

The question of this post is this...Am I intelligent? Does it make sense to take on super-intelligence head on and fall flat on my face? Or do I outsmart (outfart?) them?

Hopkido!!!!!!!!!!!!

Catapulting into Oblivion

2008-05-18T21:59:00.000+05:30

The following terms on sudden occurrence or combined usage catapult me into oblivion....
Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.

Aliyan: Sister's husband or wife's brother
Ammossan / Ammayi Achan: Father-in-law
Nathoon: Husband's sister.
Maama: Mother's brother
Kochapa/Kochupa/Elaapa/Kunjippa/Papapa/Paaapa: Father's Younger brother
Kunjimma/Kunjumma: Mother's younger sister or Father's younger brother's wife
Moothapa: Father's elder brother.
Ammayi: Father's sister
Vellyammayi / Kunjammayi : Adjectives of above noun
Ummumma/Vellimma: Father's mother or Mother's mother
Vellippa: Father's father or mother's father
Itha: Elder Sister-in-law
Thaatha: Elder Sister

Now, quickly (not more than 15 seconds) try to translate the following usage, and relate to the person.

1) Moothaapade naathoonte molde kutti
2) Vellyammayide thaathde perakutti
3) Kunjimmade nathoonte aliyan
4) Kunjippade ammayide ummumade auntyde mon!

15 seconds or less is what you would have in a real life scenario to translate the relation into some meaningful image you store in your brain, for recalling at a future blunkasy time.

The root cause for my present day worries is that I used to address everyone as Uncle and Aunty, and everyone else by name :) Kerala is not very forgiving to guys like me cannot distinguish between maama and kunjippa!

Pompous and ridiculous customs of Malabar

2008-05-08T10:56:00.006+05:30

Funny, isn't it, that all these years, I haven't known anything about the customs and rituals in my hometown, simply because I didn't exist there. Now, that I chose to spend 3 months IDLing at home, I have had a first experience of the wrath of Man-made customs and rituals, that plague my society.

Before we begin, lets agree upon the following...

1) Relatives - parents, siblings, uncles and aunts (of both parents), cousins, cousins' spouses, their children, uncle and aunt's brothers and sisters, their parents, grand fathers, grand mothers. 2) Pazha Kola - One bouquet(!) of bananas, comprising of around 50 bananas.
3a) Aluva - A sticky sweet substance, in red, yellow, black colors , prepared with flour and large quantities of sugar.
3b) Ainas - Yellow coloured flaky sweet.
3c) Bonda - Brown baked ball of Potatoes.
3d) Chips - Fried banana pieces.
3e) Chakka varuthathu - Jack fruit fry!
4) Tin biscuit - 1 Tin of biscuit. Usually has around 1 kilogram of biscuit. Brand does not matter (may be made from a local bakery), however the weight and tin carrier matters!
5) 1 sovereign gold - 8 grams of gold
6) Rs - short form of indian rupee. 1 USD in INR
7) Aliyan - Spouse's brother OR your Sister's husband.
8) Palaharam - One name for Achapam, kozhalappam, Neyyappam, Unniappam and all the sweets mentioned above.

Alrighty then! We are all set with the terminology, join me in this fun and awe inspiring tale...

Engagement:
Boy's family presents the girl with 10 to 50 sovereigns of gold, dress worth at least Rs 10,000/-. The ceremony comprises of 20 to 200 people from the boy's family visiting the girl's house. Food provided for the boy's family should be top-notch. Girl's family usually presents a watch or ring to the boy. Photo session / Video will be arranged. Unlike marriages, where gold can be rented for a day or two, engagement is usually performed with own gold. All the aunts of the boy (father's and mother's side), will present a bangle / chain / gold coin to the girl.

If Eid falls between engagement and marriage, then dress for girl and money (Rs 2000 above) will be given by boy's family. Dress will be bought for girl, girl's parents , siblings and grand father/grand mother.

If Onam falls between engagement and marriage, the 10 pazha kola must be given to girl's family.

If there is any death in either of the families, then the following should be given to the grieving family.
1) Sugar
2) Tea powder
3) Lemon (That will be used to prepare lemon juice for all visiting people to the house, where the death has happened! aargh! Kha thoo!)
4) Pazha kola
5) Aluva

Please note that neighbors and relatives are usually aware and will calculate that the above items have arrived at the respective houses and will expect a share of it to be delivered to their houses!

After engagement the girl visits all of her uncles' and aunts' houses. She will usually stay for a day at each house, or if there are too many of them, visit each one for at least one meal. There will be a tight competition amongst the aunts to treat the girl well, and feed her, because what was given will be a topic of discussion for women, when they get together, next time. The girl usually gains around 5 kilos, due to the extensive feeding session.

Marriage:
Dress (1 each) should be given by the boy's family to the following members in the girl's family.
1) Girl, herself. Apart from dress, cosmetics are also provided.
2) Girl's parents and siblings.
3) Girl's father's sisters and brothers. (Shirt piece for gents and
4) Girl's mother's sisters and brothers.
5) Members of the mosque who will attend the marriage (Usually white clothes and shirt).
6) Girl's father's father and mother.
7) Girl's mother's mother and father.

8) Boy's uncles and aunts (both father's side and mother's side).
9) Boy's grand father and grand mother (both father's side and mother's side).
10) All cousins , their spouses and children.
11) Mosque members at boy's place.
12) Neighbors!

Boy's family will visit the girl's family the day before marriage and present the dress and footwear which the girl will wear the next day. Boy's party will arrive at around 12noon for the nikkah and then have lunch from the girl's house. When the boy arrives, he is usually welcomed by his aliyan, or a male cousin of the girl, with a bouquet. The boy must give some money to the person who welcomes him. After the Nikkah, the will be a garland exchange and photo session with each of the relative's family. The mother-in-law and father-in-law presents sweets to the girl and the boy. Milk or coconut water is also provided. When the mother-in-law gives milk (Rs 7/-) to the boy, the boy must give 1 8gm gold coin to the mother-in-law.
Boy will give Rs 5000/- to servants and cousin's kids at girl's family.
Girl will bring back Rs 2500/- back to boy's house and distribute the same to servants and kid's at the boy's family.
If the boy's sister is married, she must give almirah, pazha kolas, gold and dress to the boy.
On the day of the marriage, girl and boy stay at girl's house.

Next day after marriage:
When the girl and boy returns to the boy's house, girl's family will bring
1) Pazha kolas - at least 5
2) Fruits
3) Aluva
4) Tin biscuits.

After 2 days, the boy and the girl will go back to the girl's home, they will take back the same things. Following which, for the next 1 month, every day's lunch and dinner will be booked at each of the relatives' houses. The food will be exquisite. To escape from Chicken, mutton and beef, I said that "I like fish". fishthakujela!!! Every sea creature was presented before me, bathed in various spices, and frozen at various moments of death. Some of them even had eyes! In the end (i mean the treat's end), i got severe stomach upset, loose motion and was bed-ridden with rice porridge and coconut water for 3 days.

Adukkala kaanal a.k.a Seeing the Kitchen
After a week, girl's family members (Parents, grand parents, siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, cousin's spouses, kids) will come to the boy's house. This function has been deliberately designed so that the girl's women folk can see the boy's house. Since most marriages are conducted at Marriage halls, they dont get an opportunity to see the boy's house? They will bring with them ...
1) Pazha kolas (Numerous)
2) Ainas
3) Aluva
4) Biscuits
5) Various electronic gadgets (Fridge, TV, washing machine, A/C, sofa set, mobile phones, cooking range, gas connection depending on the need at the boy's house). If the boy's house has everything, then ahem! here, take some more money or a plot of land ? or how about some shares ?
6) 80 grams of gold.
There will be a grand feast.

Adukkala kaanal (2) a.k.a Seeing the girl's house
During the 3rd week, the girl's family members (yeah, all of 'em) will visit the boy's house and bring the same sweets and palaharams. However no costly electronic / household items will be bought.

Barat Raavu a.k.a 15 days before start of Ramadan Fasting
Girl's family will bring
1) Aripodi (Rice powder) - 1 humangous tin.
2) Sugar
3) Horlicks
4) Tea powder
5) Boost
6) Neyyappam
7) Kuzhiyappam
8) Pazha kolas
to the boy's house.

Ramadan (Fasting)
During Ramadan, boy's family will give
1) Cash (Rs 5000/- or above) to the girl's house. Also the messenger who takes the money to the girl's house will be paid Rs 500/-.
2) If the girl is staying at the boy's house during Ramadan, girl's family will give zakat (Rs 5000/-) to the girl or the mother-in-law.

Eid-ul-Fitr (The only festival)
Boy should give dress to girl, girl's parents, grand parents, cousins. Girl's family will give dress to boy, boy's father, mother and siblings.

If there is any function for the direct and indirect cousins' of the girl, i.e, marriage, 40th day, birth, then gold must be provided by boy to the concerned family. The same does not apply to the girl, as the girl is treated as a dependent of the boy.

Pregnancy
As soon as the news is confirmed, girl's cousins will bring palaharams, pazha kolas, tin biscuits to the boy's house. This process will continue till the 7th month and applies to all direct and indirect cousins of the girl.

Ghee Drinking - 4th Month of Pregnancy
During the 4th month of pregnancy, the girl's family will come to the boy's house and present them with a Uruli (a big aluminium pot for making biriyani) , fruits and some steel plates and pots. The girl will be taken to the girl's house where she will be forced to drink ghee. After that she will be sent back.
Please note that cousins continue to visit with Palaharams, Pazha kolas, and all sorts of sweets. Due to the abundance of palaharams, these have to distributed evenly to the boy's relatives and neighbours. An auto-rickshaw is hired and the task is alloted to the young male members of the family.

Return of the Mummy - 7th Month of Pregnancy
During the 7th month of pregnancy, girl's family will bring 80 grams of gold, food items, pazha kolas, ainas, aluva, tin biscuit, kozhalappam, achappam, neyyappam etc. The gold is not kept at the boy's house, instead, it is worn by the girl and taken back to her house. The girl then stays at her house until 56 or 90 days after delivery.

If the girl is not taken home during the 7th month, it is considered un-auspicious to take her home during the 8th month, it is then only done during the 9th month.

Vayaru Kaanal a.k.a Seeing the Tummy!
Between the 7th and 9th months , the boys' family and relatives (comprising all the chitter chatter aunties), will visit the girl's house and have food there. This activity is called Vayaru Kaanal. This is when aunties and grannies pass comments on the size and shape of the girl's tummy and make wild guesses on the gender of the child. Please note that unlike the cousin's visit, this is a one-time activity. Additionaly, gold, dress might also be delivered.

Once the girl is admitted to hospital for delivery, boy's family takes charge of all the hospital expenses. After the newborn is gifted by god , relatives will visit at hospital with fruits. After the mummy and baby are discharged, they are taken to girl's house where they will stay for
a) 56 days if its a normal delivery.
b) 90 days if its a cesarean.
Home nurse / Maid will arranged by the husband's family.

Relatives must visit the new born within 30 days, and present
1) Dress for baby and mother
2) Baby cosmetics - Powder, Cream, Lotion, Soap (All Jhonson and Jhonson please ...)
3) Rs 50/- or Rs 100/- to the house maid taking care of the newborn and the mummy. If you dont pay this , service quality is affected.

The house maid charges Rs 7000/- for 40 days and is responsible for
1) Bathing the baby, washing baby clothes.
2) Bathing the mummy.
3) Preparing medicines, turmeric, oil etc.

40th day of the newborn
All relatives (boys' and girl's) must bring gold (coins, chains, anklet, bracelet). The sleeping baby is troubled by the relatives who make a show of the gold they have bought and put it on the baby. 40th day marks the license to exit home for the baby's mummy and baby. They are now legally allowed to travel. As usual Food is provided, an extensive photo session is held, and there is a register kept which holds record of who bought gold and who didnt. It is also mandatory that the House maid / servant is gifted appropriately during the ceremony, or else, hey she wont come to any of your families to take care of a new born. Boy's family also provides dress to girl's parents, siblings, grand father, grand mother and cash to the home nurse.

56th / 90th day
Depending on the type of delivery (see clause mentioned above), the new born and mummy is taken back to boy's home. Girl's family must bring everything required by the new born,
1) Dresses for the baby
2) Feeding bottle, Sheets, Walker, Cradle, potti (tiny closet).
3) Small cupboard / almirah for keeping baby items
4) Deposit in the name of the baby!
5) Plastic plates/pots for washing baby clothes etc...

Tharakallu idal a.k.a Foundation stone for home
There is nothing wrong with praying before you lay the foundation stone of your home. However, should you invite your grandfather's brother's son's daughter's husband obligatorily for this function ? It applies to direct/indirect cousins as well. phew....

So, thats it for engagement, marriage and birth.. lets move on to death.

Death
I like the hindu custom that no-one should eat or drink from a household where death has occured. In muslim families , grieving family has to provide cool drinks / chai / lemon juice / food and curry to the visitors! If there is a big feast going on at home, its either engagement or death! (Marriages are conducted at halls and hence feasts are not provided at home).

3rd day of death, there is a group prayer and biriyani is served. This custom has been taken off in some sects. 3rd day , supposedly is when the eye decays !

5th day after death
I think this co-incides with the 16th day in the hindu custom. There is a group gathering prayer which lasts for 2-3 hours. After which, and exquisite feast is held, which is very well attended by the family and relatives (yeah , all of them! sorry i am tired, i cant list all of them again...)

Trying to think about the origin of these customs is difficult.
1) Probably, it was a way for women folk to travel and meet other women folk, because they were living there lives in the kitchen.
2) Probably, such functions promote a togetherness feeling . (I doubt that, i have personally seen a good relation get spoilt, because he was not invited properly to have lunch during a marriage!).
3) May be, it was like a festival, a reason to stay at a relatives house , and talk about the good old times and childhood.
4) May be, people had lot of free time
5) People wanted an occassion to show off new clothes, gold ornaments, and pass on comments and share news about whats happening in other families...

By themselves, the rituals seem innocent and miniscule, however imagine the complexity when you have a total of 10 uncles and 4 aunts at your side and 6 uncles and 8 aunts at your spouse's side, and a total of 120 cousins, their spouses (and their families, brothers, parents, grand parents), and sometimes even cousins children themselves are married have children (4th generation), a heads count should itself reach to 500 people ?!!! Ouch! That means, there will be an average of 2 functions every day!! holy shit! doesnt anyone ever go to work?

Thats all that I have attended, will surely update this blog, as and when I come to know about more customs. What are the customs that you have seen ? Do let us know in the comments section!

truly jobless

2008-05-04T07:37:00.001+05:30

So, what's the plan ?

RK pulled the ceramic bowl towards him and scooped a spoon full of rice water, blissfully ignoring RR's question. "So, what's the plan". He dare not say that his usually busy brain, had slowed down in the past few months, and had not presented with any new plans. RR had sensed this, and RK had stopped using the phrase "The universe conspires, when you set your mind on something". What if the mind decided to be unset, ruffled and floating about freely ? How
long would that persist? What would be its after effects? Like writer's blocks, does the mind too have "Void" spaces ? After all, the universe is full of vaccum, how can we be so full then ?

RK is you, me and almost everyone around us (spare the ultra rich and the very poor). Destined to continue with the mundane activities that constitute life, RK had little or no time to think about, "where are we headed?", or "why cant we do this differently?". Unfortunately on one dark night with no stars, the devil himself decended on a rope unto RK's medula oblongata, poked it with a tooth pick and said "Wake up, bugger!". The devil is a pirate, he keeps an eye on the horizon for innocent and lonely ships like RK, wandering and loitering about in the empty space. To uphold to "An empty mind is a devil's workshop", Mr Devil, will try to implant a new random thought. Thats an amazing capacity, to generate thoughts out of nothing.

To generate a thought which is associated to something we are doing is easy, you do a google search through the memory associating all the input variables(what you are reading, memory, environmental conditions and sensory inputs), and voila, there is a new thought. You must have experienced this, when studying for an exam, how many great ideas pop up into our mind. But, all of them are associated in some sort of way, an immediate after effect of our experiences being stored as associate memory.

However, when the mind is an empty state (is there really one ?), to pop up a devilish thought, or say a Universe denting one, now ,that is something!. Because, nothing can be associated to emptiness. That initial ignition is all that is needed, following which associative memory takes over and continues the process. So, as a thought creator (albeit, an evil one), devil is blessed with some of god's powers (creation). So, its not right to argue that devil merely manipulates stuff created by god.

Why am I refering to this 'light bulb thought in emptiness' as devlish, and not associating it with divine intervention ? Because, the majority of human beings I know, speak of this 'thought' as self destructive. And according to Scott Adams, any "self-destructive" thought will be eradicated in the next cycle and rinsed, because the ultimate purpose of all of us is to get organized into one being, and henceforth, try and remove any self-destructive stuff, which is learned based on experience !

This essay explains, how weak a trail of thought in an empty mind is, it tries to logically associate with whatever information available (blogs, studies, books, movies, experiences) and so forth, however, the trail of thought is weak because there is no conclusion to this , no "moral of the story" or anything, and so this piece will be forgotten very soon, and never recollected for any further thoughts, except ofcourse the devil desceding on the rope part, i associated that with a snake slithering down a rope, i liked that dramatization.

This is the end of my 'hypnotized time span', my cool seven minutes when words literally flow out of my mind. Anything I write beyond this will be deliberate, and hence cooked. Therefore, I conclude.

If you think I need some help, well, kujela, you are not alone!
I am beginning to dislike my use of Parentheses. Aargh!
This blog makes me wonder, am I going to de-celebrate my 27th birthday or 17th ?

Babe...I'm gonna leave you

2008-04-22T07:54:00.000+05:30

"peddler on the pier, sell me some pain"
she pleaded to unyeilding ears in vain
A tug to the shirtsleeves and another one again

He kept his guitar tuned to the twilight
he sings an unremembered song tonight
that lingers in your dreams and vanishes at daylight

Babe, baby, baby, Im gonna leave you.
I said baby, you know Im gonna leave you.
Ill leave you when the summertime,
Leave you when the summer comes arollin
Leave you when the summer comes along.

Baby, baby, I dont wanna leave you,
I aint jokin woman, I got to ramble.
Oh, yeah, baby, baby, I wont be there,
Really got to ramble.
I can hear it callin me the way it used to do,
I can hear it callin me back home.

I know, I never leave you, baby.
But I got to go away from this place, Ive got to quit you.
Ooh, baby,
Baby, ooh dont you hear it callin?
Woman, woman, I know, I know its good to have you back again
And I know that one day baby, its really gonna grow, yes it is.
We gonna go walkin through the park every day.
Hear what I say, every day.
Baby, its really growin, you made me happy when the skies were grey.
But now Ive got to go away
Baby, baby, baby, baby
Thats when its callin me
Thats when its callin me back home...

Get your Led out!
Led Zeppelin forever!

Untitled

2008-04-19T05:06:00.001+05:30

sitting on the edge
staring into the abyss
looking within
wondering what else did i miss

dog day afternoons
and balmy nights
silly notions of romance
by fluorescent lights

Drives at dusk
through winding lanes
holding on to past
thoughts insane

its time to move on
its time to dive
the heart is just a clock
if you don't feel alive

Castle of Thousand Words

2008-04-18T08:24:00.001+05:30

High up in my ivory tower
Behind large words of courage, I cower.
A facade of careful rationality
Never betraying the torrents of emotions, as I indulge in banality.
A little lost in the by lanes between yesterday and tomorrow
I move through this world with a rictus masking my undefined sorrow.

A hundred times I rehearse my bravado
It gets me through about ninety nine times though
Just that once in about a every so often
I crack and yield in moments most inopportune
Among people I couldn't care about less
My darkest secrets I do confess.

In their dispassionate tolerance
I vicariously act out your acceptance.
I regret not being able to be as honest with you
As with utter indifferent strangers I manage to.
Fearful petty little loser with eyes lowered
Behind my mighty words, in an ivory tower, I cowered.

Mother's day

2008-03-21T22:53:00.001+05:30

On the way to meet Oracle,

Neo: And she knows what? Everything?

Morpheus: She would say she knows enough.

Neo: And she's never wrong?

Morpheus: [sighs] Try not to think in terms of right or wrong. She is a guide, Neo. She can help you to find the path.

--Matrix, The 1999

Attention Span

2008-03-15T14:36:00.003+05:30

After 2 and half years, I tried to read, understand and mug up something technical. I am happy to say that I have an attention span of approximately 7 minutes, after which I get distracted to the many other things in life.

I also am thinking seriously, why should I go back to all that Enterprise Programming stuff, when I am happy with the hypocritical excel, outlook and powerpoint....

Nimbus, Cumulous, Stratus

2008-03-15T14:36:00.001+05:30

The clouds move away, skies clear up, dew drops evaporate. words echo in the mountains "Do everything it takes to keep them happy". The breeze is now a hot gush of air, quickly hitting on the feet, time for your feat!There it is, a new sun, a new goal. The brightness is blinding. Why not lose yourself in it for a while. Keep your face towards the sun so that ye dont see the shadows ? Nimbus, cumulous, stratus they are no longer there. Abstract, Polymorphism, Concurrent, The global interpreter lock? No plan, but query plan! My sacrifice, his creed! Yeah, the Hero! Mein Aisa Kyun hoon ? - Abstract Unrealistic Escapist. Left lobe is severely overloaded! Abrupt ending.

Into the Wild

2008-03-14T21:53:00.001+05:30

"Happiness real only when shared"
"Call everything by its right name..."

- Christopher Johnson McCandless
Into the wild (2007)

low

2008-03-13T12:51:00.000+05:30

Its never good when you start seeing twitter buddy on gtalk as your closest friend.

#1 I keep telling you how much of an idiot i am, but when you say it why do i call it cruel.
#2 Sometimes i love this so much, when self loathing is at its nastiest and all the world around looks like a rose garden.

What do you fear?

2008-03-10T00:51:00.001+05:30

tidbits of a body/mind conversation.

Body: "What do you fear ?"
Mind: "Being jobless..."

Body: "What are doing now?"
Mind: "Quitting and not searching for another..."

Body: "Why the hell would you do that?"
Mind: "To chase away my fear..."

Body: "You are gone mad!"
Mind: "Yeah, you possibly cannot."

back to the classroom

2008-02-27T17:14:00.000+05:30

The bunch walked noisily towards the gate of the school. They have all resigned their jobs and have went back to their high school class as students. I remembered the old days that we were now trying to reenact. One fond memory is about walking down the road from school to tuition center during the monsoons. The roads had large potholes and we would splash the muddy water till everyone is wet.

The clock has just struck 10 and the three others in the group dashed to the classroom. I couldn't understand what the fuss was about and maintained my usual speed. As soon as my friends disappeared into the main corridor the headmistress appeared at the lobby entrance. Oops, no time to hide, i am caught. She came close to me and lifted her right hand.

"You wanna go back or?"

I silently turn my face to the right. All of her hand falls on my cheek and there is a tingling feeling followed by one of numbness. I walk on to my class room. The corridor is very windy as its other end opens to the sea. As I reach my class I take a peek inside through the window. The class room has changed a lot in the years. The wooden benches and desks have been replaced by metal benches with sloping back rests. I feel the eyes of 80 students on my face as i enter the class and feel a bit self concious. The teacher is standing at one side with a remote and the black board has been replaced by a large movie screen. A Tsai Ming-liang movie is playing on the screen. I find a seat in the first row of benches.

what exactly is mediocre ?

2008-02-17T21:11:00.000+05:30

Precariously pouncing with irresponsible irrelevant thoughts , consistently finding a new goal for the morning yearning, something to get up from the bed and goto work, reanalyzing rethinking reliving each decision, nothing is mediocre, even if that means just doing whatever is required to live and let live. Fumbling through the tumblers like Alice, once in a while a magic potion, reveals the beauty of the wonderland called life, even for the seriously psyched and cocooned sleeping introverts. Nasty, but nevertheless, it makes no sense to edit ones thoughts, before papered it is, i mean written on, digitized, preserved for the like minded souls, to ponder on; why on earth did he write that? This para is meant to make absolutely no sense; like a slingshot, it is just a meandering enterprise, words wasted, one that is not supposed to persist for any amount of time. wandering back and forth between how and why tediously, putting all the equations to work ever learned for the best forecast, decision or prediction; it is, but, a cage, and the tangent of normalcy only adds flavour, just to return back to the orbit of thought, the one and zero, the dyer colorer whose job is but to paint, paint whence given a chance...

Musings on a February 14th

2008-02-15T03:14:00.000+05:30

To all you lovers out there...Happy Valentine's Day.
To all you stupid lovers out there...Happy VD :P

Funny cracks aside, there was nothing that really prompted me to come back here and put something to paper (?)

Just the original wisecrack made me feel like a wiseass. So here I am lording it over all you poor readers who have to pay the price of this insufferable guy if you come here expecting some pearls from Neo or Trinity...

It is what it is, my friend and you do not have a choice. Thats it I am bored now...maybe I will come back later...maybe not...

Randomness

2008-01-23T08:57:00.000+05:30

I have toyed/have been toying with the idea of writing the GMAT. It has been over 3 months since I first bought an exercise book to attempt my study. Now that I have opened it I find these scribbled on the first (only) page that I have written all these 3 months.

- Numbers And Their Physical Significance
- All number except 0 can have a tangible co-relational existence
- one man = 1
no man not equal to 0
- "nothingness" falls woefully short of defining ZERO completely
- Is zero god?

Honest to good...this was just supposed to be the start of the Math Review section. I successfully over-philosophisized my ass out of contention for a reasonable GMAT score.

Yuck!

New year Resolution

2007-12-31T21:36:00.000+05:30

Gibbs: "By need, do you mean a trifling need? fleeting? As in, say a passing fancy ?"
Captain Jack Sparrow: "No, a resolute and unyielding need".
-- Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest, 2006:

Obviously, new resolutions shouldnt be resolute and unyielding needs like "Never blog anything negative", which has kept me away from this blog for a year!
2008 is definitely, a year of unknown waters, and promises to bring in a tremendous tide of positive and negative thoughts, nevertheless, i've broken the last year's resoultion, and promise to blog as often as possible. Not that the world has missed me too much, but it meant the world to a few close to my heart.

A quick re-cap of 2007, rented a studio flat, all by myself! rented a car for 2 months, bought all the household appliances needed for a small family, and lived a good life for most parts of 2007. Got promoted as "Systems Analyst". Was joyed to discover that I am an expectant papa. Resigned from Job on 25th december 2007.

2008, hopefully, should be a year of .... ahem! i dont know!
Lord willing, I hope to meet my son/daughter in feb. I plan to meet up with friends in chennai and bangalore. By June, I should be ready for the rat race, and get back to a "Just-Over-Broke" (JOB). Thankfully, my family is supportive of my plans to take an extended vacation of a few months :)

Zzats all for now, and Happy New Year!
PS: Phew! Its so tiring to blog!

What dreams may come

2007-12-31T19:07:00.000+05:30

I am hours away from ringing out 2007 and ringing in 2008. A retrospective look back at the year past would probably end up defeating the purpose of starting the year new, positively.

A friend of mine once confided that his new year resolution for '07 was that he would not blog anything negative. In consequence, he did not blog anything for the whole year.

Having seen the pitfalls of such a resolution, I refrain from it. Though a humble attempt would be made to keep this corner on the internet updated. With something more than melancholy bile.

To you the readers who stray this way, I say thank you. There is no point in a public outpouring of emotions unless there is indeed a public to view this!

Call it a resolution or a weak attempt or what you will, I intend to post something funny every other odd post (notice how I refuse to be tied down to a fixed number or date or commitment. And this is for a blog post...Lord save me when it comes to bigger decisions!)

Having rambled on while I wait for the bathroom to free up, its now time to get ready for office for the last time this year.

May all of you find what you are looking for this second leap year of the 21st Century.

Peace, Love and Empathy,
Cranial Exodus...

A little ramble

2007-12-18T10:57:00.000+05:30

Khalil Gibran says in The Prophet; "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

I consider myself to be blessed with a infinite sense of sorrow in that respect. Of late I do not see its purpose though. There is no great tragedy that could have bought this sense of loss and foreboding to me. In essence I am so obsessed with the feeling of complete desolation and pain that I search for a tragedy worthy of my grief.

There are times of the day when I feel particularly sad. Places where I feel sad. People who make me feel sad. But none of it is logically tied in a neat cause and effect bundle that makes sense.

And then there is the painful realization that my brain is losing sensitivity that it once had towards beauty. I watched "The Fountain" for the second time in over a year. It still does not make complete sense to me. But I do realize it is one of the most beautiful films I have seen. The soundtrack is particularly awe inspiring. It seems to be worthy of the sadness I aspire to.

I play the entire OST on loop at night and sleep to it. Sometimes I want to cry because its so great. But then I just laugh at myself for being melodramatic. The sadness in this music is nowhere the equivalent of the sadness that is my life.

So as it stands, I think I am slowly desensitizing and losing my mind at the same time. Pretty soon I will be a vegetable ready to rejoin the simple society.

The Magic and the Tragic

2007-12-16T07:41:00.000+05:30

There was a time when I was not alone.
A time not too far away when I was in the company of kindred.
Times that made me forget that all of us are tiny sailboats in the ocean.

Tending to our tiny vessels, we flash signals at each other.
Interpreting some
Misinterpreting most others.

The company of the ones who think like I do for short spells
Made me feel I had finally reached some port of calling.
A port where I could drop anchor and spread roots.

But then either I leave or they do and again adrift in open seas.
Sometimes I signal to the moon at night hoping that it is indeed the satellite
For earthly emotions and sends my thoughts to you.

I am stupid and its true.
I love the same movies you do.
I watch it so that I can feel the same way as you.

Now I switch my television off.
I hate movies. Hate them enough.
Its no longer my escape.

This is just my delirium.
I want to be feverish.
I want to be insensate.

(Subsequent edit: I don't remember typing this at all. I opened blogger and found this draft of something fed by insomnia maybe. Maybe it was unfinished by the version of me who stayed up that night. But let the one who is awake now consider this finished and set it free on an electronic sky. Fly Fly Fly.)

A touch of Insomnia

2007-12-12T13:02:00.000+05:30

Third time in 10 days...
I cannot sleep. Basically I dread this because I tend to be woozy at office the next day. Besides that it is all good. I slip and slide away in my head. I look at the same featureless ceiling through the dull illumination of my laptop screen.

Several times I have tried to write something worthwhile. Something that goes with the theme of this very, very negative blogspace that the Three of Us share. I have always shift+deleted all of them. They felt weak. They felt fake.

So perhaps in a light of the changing lives and times of the Kayeos, maybe it is time to stop writing and start reporting.

It has been 21 Months and 5 days since I stepped into this country. I will be just a week short of 2 full years when I step back out again, even if for only a brief while.

How have these near 2 years changed me? I am more moody and broody. That might have more to do with the last month rather than the last 2 years. That is something I don't want to put to paper anywhere either.

I have lost touch with more friends than I have made new friends.

Mentally my mind has diminished in its capabilities with each passing year. More so since I have come here.

I am fatter. That might not have anything to do with this place. I have put on 10 kilos each year of my software career. Presently I figure I am at critical mass. Neither gaining nor losing. Maybe fluctuating a bit. A little winter flab here a litter summer loss there.

My hair is longer. Way longer. Been more than a year since I had a haircut. Doesn't look like much. It has grown thinner. My hairline has receded back a little more. It is now in a ponytail going to office. Left out loose when I am home. I love it when I can headbang to some metal.

Coming to headbanging...my neck is not what it used to be. Gets stiff and painful real quick. Age and disability is fast catching up. My colleague once told me. We are earning more than what our parents did when they retired. Not just the money, but also the work related stress accumulated over decades in a matter of days...I find that argument not without merit.

I have been snubbed in the most painful manner in a matter of the heart. Perhaps the third time in my varied life. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that this is most recent, but this has hurt the most. Still hurts on and off.

Like that Tennis elbow I picked up the day I picked up a tennis racket for the first time. I kept playing through the pain barrier and it became a dull permanent ache. Perhaps there is a lesson that could be applied to life, borrowed from my limited time on the tennis court.

I ramble more often than not. I dabbled in hard liquor for 9 months. Abstained for nearly a full year. Now am contemplating celebrating the anniversary with a bottle of Absolut Citron, all by myself. Perhaps there is some poetic justice to it.

To you, my dear reader, I offer my deepest sympathies in trying to understand the common thread of these derailed trains of thought. There are still a few that I confide in. A few who still come by to this page. Who might read this after months of silence and confirm/deny what they thought I was doing and how I was doing.

So in essence this is just proof for those who seek. And a reminder for me that I exist.

Fear and Loathing in Connecticut

2007-09-06T06:28:00.000+05:30

Twenty One and a Half hours and counting to the minute that would mean a Year and Half at Connecticut. So far away.

I have lost the will to fight. I have lost my friends for life.
Lost in the wilderness of my cyberspace.
I wait in search of a friendly face.
Have not missed so many of you for so long.
I am so numb it doesn't feel wrong

Days are spent in fear and loathing
Nerves shrinking, fraying at the edge
Dying heart beating around an icy wedge
With the passing of each day, I move further away
Strange places and stranger friends
Lost in the torment of means and ends

This is me with my mind running free
This is my anger with nothing to be
...

I lost my temper and smashed a racquet into the ground today. Broke the head and threw it away. I have never been this pissed off about being pissed off. Played a shitty game to boot with a spare racquet.

Morning Yearning

2007-08-08T11:15:00.000+05:30

Morning Yearning
A finger's touch upon my lips
it's a morning yearning
pull the curtains shut, try to keep it dark
but the sun is burning

the world awakens on the run
and will soon be yearning
with hopes of better days to come
it's a morning yearning

another day, another chance to get it right
must i still be learning
baby crying kept us up all night
with her morning yearning

like a summer rose, i' m a victim of the fall
but i' m soon returning
your love's the warmest place the sun ever shines
my morning yearning

Check Out Ben Harper!!!
This song makes me wish so bad that I had written it!

A Midsummer Nightmare

2007-07-29T06:13:00.000+05:30

The title has nothing to do with the post. I just woke up from a dream where this blog had died. Then it felt so real that I had to post.

Haiku for dummies;
in the shade of the
rain tree's breeze

Now it is done in
syllables five and seven;
and then another five

here's the poet
does in three haikus; though it is
not good as yet

Incandescence

2007-04-26T05:07:00.001+05:30

Staring at 65 watts of incandescence fixed upon my wall
The sharp light burning upon the inside of my eyeball
Tattooing itself into a black twisted coil
Punching the pain on through the visual foil

I shift my gaze to the cold floor beside me
The tattoo follows the line of sight blindly
I smile inward upon the mild irony
Of the words picked up in contrived harmony

Much like the days of my life, I suppose
Days spent in calm repose
Plotting acts of dazzling brilliance
Idling moments through patented dalliance

Shifting eyes tired, on to a shiny laptop screen
Waiting for a connection through a electric sheen
Counting off electronic sheep that run across Technicolor plains
as I daydream at night, of walking through acid rains

Am I high or is this a new low?
Contemplation of imponderables should go.
No point in trying to temper a crazed mind.
That insists on being the last of its kind.

For years twenty five, and soon twenty six,
I have always been in a quandary, in a fix.
How can I be unique, just like everyone else?
Even if it is for short incandescent spells?

Getting High

2007-02-06T10:03:00.000+05:30

Scanning the chatscape
Ears upright listening for a ping
Snuggled in my sleeping bag
Snug as a bug in a rug
I miss you like a drug.

Looking expectantly at my radar
My own private heads up display
Nothing registers...Not a sound
Then the absence hits me like a slug
I now know that I miss you like a drug.

Social networking websites with electronic trails
For new age paper dragons
I mark upon your haunts like a dog
Desperate now, staring by the grave I dug
I feel it for sure that I miss you like a drug.

Within the confines of my limited imagination
I pace and I measure its finite walls
I vacillate...I palpitate
Drinking down panic gulps of water by the jug
Is this withdrawal? Is this because I miss you like a drug?

I don't own you all rights reserved
Though by now on Sanity's edge I somehow self preserve
I twist...I try...I sink...I cry
Then with an unconvincing shrug
I try to delude myself that you are not my drug.

Still I catch myself training upon your satellite
My silver anodized antennae
Rising out reach across the eons
Within my stupid rhyme scheme I am stuck
Defining how you are like a drug

Now I get better...Calmer and sane
within several words evanescent and mundane
I hit the sweet spot...I time
With words like these, I smile, smug
Even as I miss you like a drug.

Burning Old Letters

2007-01-27T04:35:00.000+05:30

Some winter night in 2006

Cuddled alone inside a sleeping bag. Laptop balanced precariously on the swell of my tummy...I contemplate the exquisite design of my paunch. Still had not reached the potbelly proportions of cartoons, but still was prominent enough to be a noticeable attribute...Like "You know Bala? The chubby guy?"

Fact of the matter is I am not your quintessential chubby guy. My cheeks are not the kind that go pink when pinched. Nor do they offer much purchase for pinchers, either way...

Maybe people think chubby is politespeak for paunchy or fat...But I digress...Anyway So here I am cold and sleepless. Wondering what went wrong with my life and why. In a scientific exploration mode, I look to the past. I surf through old emails that I have never had the heart to delete.

And I am talking about a mailbox from my pre-gmail pre-multi-GB email accounts. bala420@mailcity.com. So I was picky about what emails I stored. That was right until lycos jumped into the gmail bandwagon and pumped up storage to a Gig...
Since then I have left that mailbox unchecked. Somewhere in my heart I wish for this mailbox to be spammed to its electronic death. But I still remember having moved my precious undeleted emails to a folder where they were away from the spam. Far from the madding crowd so to speak.

I see you there and all your hundred moods. Playful, sad, excited and dejected. Again with no saved emails on my sent folder and never a completely saved email chain, I do not remember or recall if I responded right to you. Was I supportive when you expected me to be? Was I attentive when you needed attention? Did I rejoice in your victories, small and great?

I don't see proof for this but I delude myself into thinking that I did...

Timestamps fly and so do timezones. Your last emails are distant cold and business like. Not that you are using harsh words or being business like. It is just that the spontaneity died, then the number of words and then finally the emails altogether.

And you know what? You are not the only one either. Everyone on my list...it is the absolute grinding down of wheels as everyone is coming to a halt.

So is it a global malady with all of you or that I have degenerated into a hopeless case that no one wants anything to do with me anymore.

And so the years will pass. I might see you again with a memory of what you were and the reality of what you are to reconcile to. Selfishly I hope that we never meet as I can easily delude myself into thinking that everything is okay rather than realize that it isn't.

So I escape...Pour myself another glass of the devil spirit and fall asleep. It is warm and loosens my mind. It wanders. Pink Floyd and Metallica wash over me comfortingly. I slip. I slide. Fade to black and wake with an emotional hangover.

Some night in 2007

Alcohol does nothing for me anymore...I have done stupid things under the influence...confided in utter strangers...A lot of other bull. I tell myself to resolve against alcohol from now on. I stick to it. 672 hours and counting....

loony

2007-01-05T12:38:00.000+05:30

Please let me be sad
I cried, with real tears,
But the mind is so heart less

He waved it down, with a single motion
You ain't gonna die today, why cry
Laugh you lonely fellow,
you ain't gonna die today

I took out my case, with all the args and angsts
i spread them out, i reasoned
i pleaded, how do you know, how can you be so cruel
they don't even laugh at me now
they ignore me or call me trivial

Laugh you loony, look at yourself
and laugh your guts out
You ain't gonna die today

I feel a steel flask in the back of my neck
I feel that what fills it is happiness
Its been leaking these days and vacuum is pushing it in
I cant take the pain you asshole, let me be sad
What if it breaks and kills my brain, what about that

I smiled at first, then i laughed
I was roaring in minutes, my body was shivering
I knew i was not gonna die today, why cry

Curse of the Black Pearl

2006-11-06T12:10:00.000+05:30

The pearl lay await in the oyster's belly,
never wishing to be found by a man,
one pirate braved the depths of the oceans,
and coerced the pearl out of the cocoon,
alas the pirate, murdered the oyster,
blood danced around him in the dark depths,
the pearl turned into black, with an eye,
and cursed him an eternal life of the dead!

Pandaaram a.k.a Damn!

2006-10-31T11:32:00.000+05:30

Pandaaram (Malayalam) is a genuinely funny curse word. It is supposed to be least inflicting to the listeners, even though it provides an apt venting mechanism for fury, frustration and anger in the form of a word.
Pandaaram in its simplest, or standalone format has the same usage as singular utterances of f* or shit or damn.
When combined with other stupid words , like for example , "Pandaaram adangan!" is like "Damn it!"
Like i said before, since Pandaaram is the stepping stone of cursing, chances are that it would not be very popular among friend circles or higher business circles. Rather, pandaaram is more or less confined to households, relatives, kith and kin. There, Pandaaram is both light, meaning not much harm, as well as saying "I am dead serious about this!".
The usage of a curse word is directly proportional to the tolerance and the "badness" factors of the receptors. For e.g, without umpteen utterances of "F" you probably cannot "curse" with a gangster, a rap singer, or a city teenager. This might not be the case with friends or family. Multi-linguals like you are me are blessed with a plethora of curse words or varying degrees or relief and infliction. For e.g, I have a choice of english, hindi, tamil and malayalam. However certain languages are not really apt for cursing, because the language by itself has a singing effect, is very polished or sounds delicate. Blunt and brute languages (I dare not quote any examples) should be perfect for cursing. Which brings forward the question of if you were to design a language, how would you structure the curse words ? (Enya has already made a new language called Loxian, for her new album Amarantine, Check out the lyrics for 'Less than a Pearl'). She found none of todays languages befitting to write the song

What made me write about Pandaaram is a movie called "The Squid and the Whale". In it, a 10 year old, does all kind of swearing and cursing. Ofcourse it gets a little panicky. He is justified by the emotional distress of his parents separating. The movie is an auto-biography of the director, presented in a very realistic way.

One another Universally important thing, is that 9 out of 10 previous blogs in Cranial Exodus are mine!!! Which makes me ponder, whether my blogger-brothers cant overcome the feeling of "aargh! should i blog this?" , or whether they are plain bored, or more horrifyingly, they have found the real life outside and decided not to waste time blogging!

trying to paint...

2006-10-29T23:01:00.000+05:30

bogged down by the fragility of life,
the many abstractions that have become routine,
paint a smile over every doubt and disbelief,
the bliss of careful ignorance,
deafness and blindness, appear when wanted for,
when a difficult question troubles,
dart ahead to the next ritual activity of life,
call up a friend, go shopping, browse or read,
do whatever and get rid of the trouble,
multiplex the brain to many parallel deeds,
when too many thoughts forge, a reasonably sharp arrow,
that might wake you up, from the unreal activity chain,
look upon the downtrodden, the desolate and the poor,
wonder what would you do, subject to all the horror,
praise the lord , and lend a helping hand,
congratulate yourself, and find harmony and rhythm,
above all, keep yourself busy,
keep your pet projects in the pipeline,
not because an empty mind is a devil's workshop,
but because, hell if it exists, is right within!

Many thanks to kesu for the one-liner...
"Madness?! This is ... Varkala!!!!!"
Laughed after a long time...

The Myth | The Sword | The re-born General | The immortal princess | The anti-gravity meteorite

2006-10-20T04:31:00.000+05:30

Its 2.56 AM, Been quite some time since I stayed up this late :-) No particular reason today. Jackie Chan is singing the theme song of "The Myth".. I have no clue what he and the girl is singing in chineese, nevertheless, the title "Endless Love" and the melody are catchy and sweet. Though the special effects, the history and action are all goofy, i like the idea of a princess who awaited immortally in an anti-gravity cave for the return of her lover , the General. Reminds me of a Hindi film i watched some 14 years ago..'Suryavanshi' where Salman Khan is the General who takes the re-birth to meet Amrita Singh, the immortal princess. Sweet. I loved the sword salman used in the film, it looked very special. For a few weeks after watching the film, my brother and I had sword fights... Ah, painstakingly made out of wood.. Swords always are elite weapons, above spears, bows or whatever. Anxiously awaiting the release of '300' to see some real good sword fight.

Salute Microsoft!

2006-10-12T14:23:00.000+05:30

I bought a core 2 duo PC with a Gigabyte Motherboard. Microsoft Windows XP installed like a breeze. Life is cool.
When i tried to install Linux (Ubuntu/Debian), i got wierd errors like "cd-rom" not detected or a simple blank screen.
Google search returned results like, there is a bug in the Linux kernel , which causes difficulties in detecting the 965 chipset , pata driver, jmicron, blah blah blah..
The point is ... Does windows have all the drivers ?
How is it that a 3 year old windows XP installs with no problems on my latest harware, while the linux kernel fix for this issue wont be out till december ?
Salute you Microsoft , you are truly .. one click and install!

Alternatively, there's an interesting article, why Linux is not meant to be "one click and install".. Why Desktop linux wont take off, and why you dont want it to :-)

Does God need trial and error ?

2006-09-26T02:15:00.000+05:30

Bluhuhu - A Thought meltdown.

Ignorance is Bliss: Humble beginnings.
When i was 12, I used to perform the numerous religious rituals that constitued the average ordinary muslim. I simply adore that kind of undoubted belief, even though it can take a dangerous turn if it grows beyond a certain measure. So, as most muslims do, I prayed in Arabic, read the Qur'an in Arabic and did many things which i didnot understand, with joy! Yes, it was a joyful thing to do. Because, hey, i am doing this for my afterlife and yes, God loves me! It also was joyful , because the hardships endured directly translated to my seating position in heaven. (The more good you do, the better place you have in heaven). I was also able to take a break from the routine studies , play and so forth and be at peace with myself. I must say , that the atmosphere in the Fatima Mosque, Karama Street, Abu Dhabi was a wonderfully peaceful one. It is only when we pray , that we remember forgotten things-to-do, or forgotten people-to-call , in general things which you forgot to do. Why ? because you have nothing else to do, and one part of your brain is trying to focus your attention to something which you can read, but cant understand .. whereas the other part is doing a clean-up activity , i mean ... did i forget any of my duties in real-life ?

Religion as a Teacher: Religion as a step in evolution.
One of the best things about Religion is that, It is the easiest and simplest way to teach a growing child to be good. For example, if you dont tell (or sometimes even if you tell) a kid , not to put his/her hand in a candle flame, chances are that the kid would want to have a first hand experience of getting his/her hand burnt. And when that happens, he/she cries and then realizes.. aah this person has more experience than me. Religion is a way devised by human beings to pass on the knowledge of good-things-to-do. Most religions have the same core concept -- Live in harmony with nature. This means we respect every other being.
Religion puts forward an easy of teaching this. "If you dont be good to your friends, god will punish you in after-life". I like the simplicity of that. It is straight and to the point. It makes sense. It also instills fear-about-unknown into the mind of the child. He/she is educated that there is an all-knowing , all-powerful God who is constantly watching his actions, based on which he will be later judged upon , whether be it a seat in heaven or a rebirth as a crow or Nirvana.
What is goodness ? Anything which helps the positive evolution of nature. If you try to destroy yourself or others, you are doing bad. This can lead to a lot of debateful questions like "If a boy was brought up in the slums of Kochi and taught to murder people , to quench his thirst or to get food, does he do wrong ?" What exactly is right and wrong ? This can be discussed in an entirely different essay , however for the time being ... Its obviously wrong and the boy will realize it sooner or later. Why ? Because it does not fit into positive evolution. It does not fit into protecting the Weak.*

Protecting the Weak: Another step in Evolution.
We have come a long way from the animalistic way of "Survival of the fittest". We foster and nurture the weak. Because we think, everyone is special. We have built rules , governments and many such things which guard the weak. Even though, we strive for perfection, we do take care of the lesser being, we do try to exist peacefully with nature. If it was a world where only the strongest , fastest and most intelligent survived , we probably wouldnt have needed all these rules which say "Be good to your fellow being, be good to nature, Respect everyone". Why do we need to protect the weak ? Who knows, we all are part of a greater whole ! and maybe its our purpose! *

Good things about Religion:
So back to where i started. Religion is good in many ways, it serves as a good stepping stone, atleast as of today. I recently read an article (Courtesy: Ram) in rediff, by Kamala Das which says that most of the religions we have today are outdated. They create more harm than harmony. Before, I explore the bad side of religions, I would like to add a few more points to the good side.
People who have had a religious upbringing seems to have the blinding power of confidence. Even though its based on blind faith, confidence does a lot of good things. It helps us to build things on layer after layer of abstraction. Think about it, we deal with electricity everyday, do we really understand electricity or electrons, for that matter ? What is it ? a blob of negative charge ? a probability cloud ? Its there, but you cant see it ? Or its there but you cant measure its position and momentum ? It behaves depending on who is looking at it ?! If we happily ignore on certain basic things about it .. we can tap into its usefulness. We can light bulbs, run motors and what not! We write equations on it, determine how it moves around and there .. we are the master of it! Wrong, we understand some patterns exhibited by it, and so are able to make use of it.
The fundamentals of religion are no different. You accept or have blind faith in God, good , bad , reward , punishment and so on, and certain things are guaranteed. A religious person in trouble will be more capable of dealing with it, than a confused guy like me , because he believes its a test from God, and yeah, he believes he has done all his duties, in the way of God. Now , that is powerful! that is absolute confidence.. you can use it to be happy in any situation , whatsoever. You can use it and be really not too much bothered about worldly success and survive with the bare minimum, because this world is a transitional period. When i get to the "Bad things about Religion", i will write about "Overconfidence".
It also is the easiest way to explain things that happen around us. Bad people will be punished. Good people will be rewarded. Very very useful thing in law-and-order. The mindi is a powerful thing. If you believe in something, it does affect your life in a huge way.

Bad things about today's Religion:
Religion , as of today, translates into a set of rituals designed a couple of hundred years ago. And the sad thing is that , it is not evolving , but rather getting into "hard and fast" mandatory rules for everyone. Is this part of Positive communication evolution ? ** Lets find out...

Prayers:
Prayers are powerful. I have even heard doctors say that Languages like Sanskrit, Arabic and Aramaic are excellent for prayers, because they are tough languages, and they demand your complete attention. Thats the whole point of prayers. Focussing your attention on one thing . Look into any religious text and they are written in a sort of Generic way. I mean, most of it. It can be interpreted in many ways, might mean different things and the language is sort of slippery ? Why ? Because, if this has to have value, people should spend time , effort and their brains trying to figure out "What does this really mean ?". Which is why it has survived centuries. To get respect from people , give them a copy of "A brief history of Time". Regardless of whether it is understood or not, most people think its a great book. Similarly, apart from the core concepts of "goodness and harmony with nature" which is common across religious texts, the rest is sort of vague.

Religion: The bridge between the Perfect being and Human Being.
We must agree that we are all one at some microscopic level, yeah.. read that chemistry text ... Everything , chemicals , Molecules , atoms, electrons , neutrons , and then.. is it thoughts or vibrating strands of energy called strings.. so E=MC squared.. The game of matter and energy. Though we are all fundamentally one , we are all different at a macroscopic level, and have* our own identities. So, we are everyone and we are no one, We are also ourselves. Ha ha .

The concept of God as a perfect being and us human beings as , "on the path to perfection", puts forward lot of problems in terms of communication. Either God has to step down to communicate to us, or we evolve into God. If god did step down, that can explain all the stupid trial and error , mentioned in the religious texts. This is with respect to Christianity and Islam. Why did god need trial and error to find out a perfect message (Religious Book) for Human Beings ? He sends one prophet, bang .. he is slaughtered, his message is corrupt .. he send another one to a different place.. oops, he got rejected too.. and finally after years of perseverance, there comes the final word , and God himself vows to protect it. Thats a scary thought.. Does God need Trial and Error to find out a perfect way of communicating to his creation ? An interesting mind-boggler is ... we created computers, we are still finding out a way to communicate what we want exactly from it .. and yes , the computer is evolving into the intelligence we have. Except ofcourse, we never actually created the computer in the first place. We just re-arranged certain things by understanding the pattern of how it works.

Confidence and Overconfidence:
Earlier, i mentioned that Religion gives confidence. It also gives over confidence at times. For e.g, if someone believes in a religion and a religious text blindly. What if , down the line, the text says something like "Everyone who doesnt do what you do, is going to hell". Now, that gives you overconfidence, either to try and mandate your rules (the rules in the book) or stop talking to anyone who doesnt believe your book. This is extremely dangerous. And this is where the fine line is .

The Fine Line: Consciousness and Faith.
There is an extremely thin line between these. Most things in religion (miracles) are unbelievable unless you accept certain premises. (God , Prophet, Books, Life After Death). Once you accept these things , you get a tunnel vision. You become immensely happy to have discovered the ultimate way of life. The danger of this tunnel vision is that we lose our capability to have an open mind to other's view points.

Qur'an: Chapter 2.
Verse 1: Alif, Lam, Meem.
Verse 2: This is the Book about which there is no doubt, a guidance for those conscious of Allah.

Check Verse 1. What is it ? Its just 3 Alphabets from Arabic. Alef(A), Laam(L), Meem(M). And the second verse is that this is a book about which there is no doubt, a guidance for those conscious of Allah. If there is no doubt about this book, what exactly is Alif-laam-Meem? Scholars say It is the mystery of Qur'an.

This explains the whole idea about Religion. If you choose to accept it as the word of God. Alif-Laam-Meem is a miracle. It is a gateway to belief. Once you accept it, the rest is easy. However if you are reading this with a questioning mind, "Alif-laam-Meem" is the dragon breathing fire at the gates, if you have no belief , then dont proceed!.

If everyone understands this, life would be a lot easier. Dear fellow believers , muslims , christians, hindus, jews, and whoever believes in religion... Donot for gods sake , hurt another human being, or force him to do your rituals , just because your learned religious leaders think that its the only way to salvation!. This is a basic thing, i am not going into the details of which idea is good , which idea is bad.

Evolving into One:
The idea of preaching one kind of religion, one kind of god, one book and so forth is considered by some as in line with the idea of "we are evolving into God". We will have one language, one communication, one way of praying. I dont know if thats and extreme "ONENESS", nevertheless it sounds scary too. Because , as i said, we are all one and we are all different. It depends on the plane/ level which you are comparing. The above mentioned preaching ONLY one religion means that there will lot of bloodshed in the near future , as one religion tries to gain supremacy over the other.

Let us not force our ideas on others. Let us choose what suits us best and what falls into the basic criteria of a better humanity , better nature. Let us stop wasting time and energy on fighting and spreading our religion. Let us spend this instead on the betterment of mankind. Let us respect each other! Let us understand that God cannot stoop down to the level of human emotions like Anger , vengeance and reward. Let us do best , with what we have!

I am sure that everything good in all of today's religions, will shape the religion of tommorow. For a better understanding , for a better life!

*Highly recommended : "God's Debris" by Scott Adams.
PDF available for free download from dilbert.com or here

Footage of the Sun

2006-09-23T18:14:00.000+05:30

A few days back, I saw the movie "Sphere". I'd read the novel by Michael Crichton a few years back. What prompted me to pick this DVD, was "Dustin Hoffman". I was greatly impressed by his performance in "Rain Man". And "Samuel L. Jackson".

Anyway, since i knew the story and neither the special effects nor sharon stone's appearences were impressive, i managed to finish the movie in one sitting. 2 days later, i picked up my Camcorder and set out to walk near the Dubai Creek at around 5 in the morning. It was then, that i witnessed this .. the rising golden sphere.

The sun rose from behind a skyscraper. I was looking through my cam's LCD , yes, it might have hurt the CCDs.. but nevertheless, i could see a perfect sphere! Coincide with the monologue from Sphere... (Vaguely recollected from my memory as) ... "Its a perfect sphere! An undoubted way of declaring supremacy (by the aliens)"!

What was interesting was, i couldnt look at the sun directly, all i could see was an an omlette like figure in the sky, slowing rising. But through the camera, my lord! It was beautiful... It was perfect! that sight kept me happy till afternoon :-)

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Ramadan (Saint Hunger)

In other news, Ramadan has officially commenced. It has kick started quite a few erratic behaviours .. from external people and internal organs (mainly Mr. stomach). Work hours have reduced to "9 AM to 3 PM". Also , the attendance at the local mosque has atleast quadrupled. All this in a matter of 24 hours. H & I have dropped the idea of going around interviewing people asking simple questions like "What is Islam" , owing to our own safety. I will update more about this soon. (Yeah, i know zeus dont like this :-). Bear with me, fellow bloggers.

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Life, In General

The propeller shaft of life has been fitted with an auxillary rocket booster, and the myriad colors of hopes , aspirations, worries, depression, money and brain busting thoughts continue to foray deep into my mind. I promise to blog whatever I can, even if its slightly unsettling , or plain boring to all of you. Buddies, really I miss you all!

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Desktop

I bought a humble desktop. After a SEk750i and a Panasonic GS400, it had to be a desktop! Laptops were overruled quite early in the decision making process , since i needed raw number crunching power (read that as video encoding). This sets my yearly indulgence at the magical figure of the minimum indian taxable income. Here's the detailed conf.

Intel E6300 Core 2 Duo 1.83 Ghz, Gigabyte GA-965P-DS3 Motherboad, Corsair 1GB DDR2-533 Mhz memory, MSI-Nvidia-7300GS 256 MB GPU, 160 GB Seagate SATA-2. Logitech Keyboard, mouse, LG 16x DVD-Writer, Gigabyte Casing with 300 W PS. + 2nd hand Viewsonic 17" CRT. (ouch! my eyes hurt). (Total cost : Around 40k INR). My last PC purchase was PII-350Mhz with 128MB Ram and 10GB HDD for 32k INR in the hostel :-)

Doesnt such a system deserve some real tough work to do. Sucker is lying idle. Ha ha .. Installed Vista (wow), reinstalled XP(after some spyware kept open a persistant connection to somewhere on the internet), updated M/B and gpu BIOS. Did some movie capturing, encoding, yup, its fast :-).
Cannot install any of the Linux flavours available now, because of some hardware architecture change ? Read about it here ... So, for the time being i am happy with Cygwin and sometimes puppy linux.

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Moses is in a Pit

2006-09-20T22:53:00.000+05:30

Moses is in a Pit,
its a flower pit of pity,
loved ones pour empathy from above,
honey bubbles from below,
it torments him like hell.
Moses is condemned in this flower
I feel sad about Moses,
He tries to dig through the petals,
Memories flash upon him,
and he is cast back into,
I wish, i could help him,
to lend a helping hand,
to climb those steep cliffs,
to cheer him up,
Everyone prays that moses escapes,
That he turns into a butterfly
and eats up the flower, that cages him,
and fly away to freedom,
when the gold underneath will be shattered,
and the revelation awakens him!

-------------------------------
Divine Intervention: I tried 7 times to upload a small pic of a dissected flower. Couldnt :-) Kept timing out!

In the mood for love

2006-09-12T12:05:00.000+05:30

He remembers those vanished years. As though looking through a dusty window pane, the past is something he could see, but not touch. And everything he sees is blurred and indistinct. The ending lines from the movie. Will affect you more if you watch it. Simple stuff right, but something he could see not touch, its painful.

A nice sunday evening, i sat down to see the second half of the movie. I had made some tea for the occasion, and it was made to match the movie style, less amount of distractions like sugar and milk, more tea. The director sometimes was using shots through translucent glasses, i made my own by fogging my spectacles with vapors from my tea. And then comes that haunting music where they start moving in a strange slow motion, going through motions repeated in the movie, she climbing up those nice stairs from the local noodle shop, he with his cigarette with that sweet and sad expression on his face. There was love and there was pain.

The first half made me happy with the intimate shots of the characters, you see some of them, you hear some, you feel the rest, and you are in there, not somewhere far away. You feel the warmth that these nice families extend to strange people living with them. You love it. Later you hate it.

Thalassery | Simple Joy!

2006-09-04T14:13:00.000+05:30

Yonder! Ram's Thuruth,
Sufeer and I raced towards it...
Delicious kallumakaaya in our tummies :-)
Wind in the hair, the sea's sweet voice..
Yeah! we ran on that beach...
ram clicked this pic.

God's Debris

2006-08-20T15:45:00.000+05:30

Yet another sleepy afternoon. After 2 hamburgers, this is what Harish came up with.

Facet. 2006. Coming soon.

Solaris Revisited

2006-08-18T21:53:00.000+05:30

Imagine an ocean, spherical, volatile,
That which changes from violet to maroon,
transparent to opaque, restless to calm,
Something which reacts to your emotions,
Or rather, learns from your memories,
if it could etch, what you rememember...
if it could portray your dreams,
would your sense of reality, question ?

Cannot hold on to the present,
Mind wanders forth in to the future,
myriad paths, all infinitely thin,
randomly portrayed on the surface of solaris,
closely resembling our associative memory,
one thought leads to another,
like ink, that dropped into water,
tentacles , axions, dendrites ...

They all connect at some point,
they break off from some weaker earlier points,
think about, and , that bond becomes stronger,
forget, and, that bond is broken,
cannot stay at the present,
travel thru each of these possibilities,
maybe many at the same time,
They break, they connect,
and then they break again...

If possibilities are predictable,
the thought tree, torrents at lightning speed..
if choices threaten, they divide further,
and realm farther, only that each train now
is weaker than its parent..

Once in a while, god's hand gives a jolt,
the wake up call of reality,
but given enough 'sense' of monotonity,
the universe of life starts with the big bang...
Particles, waves , everything explodes,
They , those accumulated over the years,
the questions, purpose and fears,
they seeks refuge in every belief system,
that they can find...

Why did it explode in the first place ?
What would you be blamed for ?
Sorry, i cant write anymore, my mood is changed.

d

2006-08-16T15:38:00.000+05:30

dark
dying
destitute
desperate
deft
duma
dingo
django
derived
destiny
dehydrated
delhi
drool
dingy
dump
dumb
dire
dare
door
drive
dance
drunk
dent
drown
drake
devious
devil
devilish
deviant
donkey
draft
dust

if i cannot post, what i want to post,
then is this a blog , or is this a frog ?

My colleague's code...

2006-08-15T11:46:00.000+05:30

Today morning, i found this at my friend's desk.

set mandatharam = true;
perform(something,something);
exit(0);

pass(fnargs,a[0],a[290]);
regret(time[wasted]);
pha.pulle();

//Reproduced here, with his permission.
//No part of the above code maybe......

2006-08-12T12:16:00.000+05:30

RED (V.O.)

...and when they put you in that
cell, when those bars slam home,
that's when you know it's for real.
Old life blown away in the blink of
an eye...a long cold season in hell
stretching out ahead...nothing
left but all the time in the world
to think about it.

RED

These walls are funny. First you hate 'em,
then you get used to 'em. After long
enough, you get so you depend on
'em. That's "institutionalized."

RED (V.O.)

In prison, a man'll do most
anything to keep his mind occupied.

Movie: The Shawshank Redemption
The script flows smooth.

down by law

2006-08-08T10:28:00.000+05:30

Venue : Collective Chaos
Movie : Down by law (Jim Jarmusch)
The theatre was really funny, a small hall with foldable(but good) chairs kept at different levels. Dark, and a little scary :). The movies are projected by a dvd projecter on a small screen, pretty neat setup. Later my friend(bd the movie buff) told me about the first time he came there, when they without realizing got in through the wrong entrance and were met with a big crowd. Guys and girls who couldnt find seats were lying down on the front part, the gap between the gallery and the screen and enjoying the movie, and they joined them. Exactly matching a dream of mine. That dream was much more cooler, with all the people lying down and watching the movies whole day, one after the other.
The movie started off with dark scenes (and it was b&w), and i was kinda getting an impression that its going to be a serious movie. Two of the protogonists(Jack and zack) were having bad luck, as in they had nasty friends. Both lands in jail. From here onwards, there were some lighter moments and lots of people were laughing behind me. I was thinking all the time, hey this is a serious movie, what will the director say if they found you laughing at such small things. It all changed when roberto benigni came into the same cell shared by our heroes. Both the guys kept staring at benigni, and benigni was fidgeting uncomfortable under the stare attack, and nowhere else to go. At one point, he dramatically takes out his notebook and with his italian accent says " If looks could kill i would be dead". The whole bunch of us lost our control, and from that point i realized, we are watching a nice comedy and not a serious movie :). Dim wit that i am.
The movie was very funny and nice, particularly after that. They wander around in a swampy area, which looked great in b&w. Also worth remembering was the woman who worked with Jack(incidentaly a pimp) in b&w, pretty and pretty much nude :).

Trying to get out!

2006-08-06T16:09:00.000+05:30

quite
bye
tata
birla
olakka
see you
sayanora
hu hui hu
purathu chaadu
arudeyum purathu chaadan alla
get out !
get me out!
help!!
phew
quit

SMTP Console

Gopal's Blog

2006-07-29T16:54:00.000+05:30

If you didn't have to work so hard, you'd have more time to be depressed.

Courtesy: Gopal's Blog

He also has interesting blog on "Paradox of our age"

Scared after Sunset

2006-07-19T16:36:00.000+05:30

Scared of the Sunset
Afraid of the Aftermath:
Everyone's "left for the day". The office has become silent. I have finished reading the blogs, news, done some reading, talking, coordinating and begging.. I have heard enough music, seen enough movies... what next ?
8 PM.
The most dreaded hour in a day. To post-mortem the day and the past, to think about the future.
Thoughts, beyond a certain limit are the most dreaded company anyone can have.
"Dont think! Just do it" was an advice from a friend, or was it a foe?
I can barely blog... its repulsive... Like stepping down from talk to blog, now i have stepped down to one-liners.
A blog is too much. I cannot be coherent enough to last a paragraph, One liners are cool..
Like in memento... "Short things are sweet".

Elevators:
Elevators transport people and goods vertically. It is also a place where you are up close against a total stranger. An elevator is a place where destiny chooses two people to meet. Sometimes , if you are inside the elevator with a foe, or a person of the opposite gender, you spend the silent moments looking up at the ceiling, staring straight ahead or looking right down, hands tied. Stimbi once said that he felt awkward in the CTS lift, when a nicely dressed and sweet smelling g was standing really really close to him in the elevator. Things worsen, if there is no one speaking (which is usual). Thoughts shoot off in all tangents.

Asahishnutha: (Intolerance)
Incapacitated to live amongst the crowd. Fear of the crowd. Need for quiet, serene, calm .. harmony with nature, whatever. I dont know why, i hate the crowd. Take a walk in Nasr square, sabhka, .. bloody hell, you cant walk without hitting anyone. This place is infested with people. All a person owns here is 6 feets long, 3 feet wide and 5 feet high rectangular bunk bed space. Make it oblong, and yeah! thats were we all gonna end up!. Call me a crowd hater or whatever, i cant stand it!

Desperate by Desires:
S : "You like being desp ...".
J :"No, i dont! Are you gone nuts ? WHo wants to be desp ?"
S : "Do you really like to party after a great victory or party after a great failure ?"
J : "Alright, lets list out all the desires in the form of a mind map. Give me 10 years salary, a big room to stay, nice homely food, a calm serene and natural environment, and a high speed internet connection ."
S : "Sounds normal, except for the 10 year salary lumpsum, for which you'll need a lottery, or great investment plan, nut is that all ? I like your random word shoot out ... so shoot!"
J : "well .. here goes.... Web 2.0, Python, Java , J2EE, Solar Power Harvesting, Rain water harvesting, Water recycling, Clean fuel, Bicycle, Open spaces, wide open fields, village, Rain, Simple Technology,Fruit Juices, Fruits and Vegetables, Tea, Chips, Self boss, Movies, Music, Poetry, Automation , Aggregation, Security, Alter ego, Balance!"
S : "Good! Keep doing that, and you will end up in an assylum soon, For heaven sake, sort out your priorities and act upon them, one after the other.... instead of carrying all that filth in your brain ,and burdening yourself with the thought"
J : "Phew ...been trying that for quite long now."

Perform-Conform-Reform
Why dont you conform to the NORMAL life ? Why do you always rebel ? Given the infinite number of explanations, why cant you be happy with the simplest one ? Dont wonder about where the ELECTRON really is... Move on! Build your principles, take things for granted! dont be puzzled with how does a lighter work, use it!
Why do you question the obvious religion ? When you have discovered that its belief , all that matters.. whether you call it quantum physics or religion. Why do feel, you cannot walk with the crowd ? Why do you always step out ? Why are you so insensitive to others ? Why the heck , are you making this is a hate psyho blog ? look at ram ,and the simple blunkasy smile ... wooo hey! Look at sijin and the million things he does parallely, some work, some dont.. but what the heck, he knows exactly what to do next. Look at zeus, he is the hulk! And look at yourself, you are fed by nothing but your EGO and thoughts! Aargh! Disgusting..........

Probability:
Probably this is the way its meant to be. To move from one Milestone to other, to keep up with Life, who is bent upon overtaking you, and showing his ass off.... Probably, there is no such thing as "Yup, i feel great". I just have to pretend, yeah, i feel great. Thanks to my coordination skills now, I beg to the Support fellow , "Please create a blah blah on the ssss with a 322222" , and in the next split second i say "foog you.mofo". Need to be spanked, to look at the billion poor indians, with nothing... Nay, i dont wanna think about anything. I am tired about my thinking brain!!!!!

bad lines

2006-07-13T18:52:00.000+05:30

lone_monkey : Hey, don't you think the mayflowers in bangalore are redder than mayflowers in other parts of the world.
prospective_female_company : Blinks(what the fuck).

lone_monkey : Hey, your tooth is twisted, why don't you put braces.
prospective_female_company : I am fine the way i am(How dare you).

She was pretty despite that twisted tooth :).

A nothing blog

2006-07-12T08:57:00.000+05:30

Have you ever wanted to say so much
But bit down on your tongue as such
Have you ever felt ideas expanding your head
so much that the pain threatened to leave you dead
Have you ever felt so inadequate
when you words remained unsaid
What am I doing? What am I thinking?
I cannot follow it as my cranial membrane is shrinking
I cannot hold on to a train of thought
I am stare like someone at the lights caught
I am scribbling again now
Things I cannot relate somehow

I feel the need to feel needed
I feel the need for applause
This is the moment that I dreaded
The moment I felt like a lost cause

da new day

2006-06-26T12:00:00.000+05:30

da declaration
(friday : in the bus, me rambling incessantly without any support from roomie)
me: monday is a new day, from monday onwards, i am going to be more orderly, me will reach office every day before 9. Will work properly.
roomie: hmmm.
me: no buddy, its going to be new, brand new.
roomie: hmmm.

da oracle
(sunday : evening in the bus, mama calls)
mama: did you lose your mobile, i rang up a while before and someone else picked up.
me: no, i had it all the time.
mama: may be i dialed the wrong number.

da preparation
(sunday: night, preparations for monday, i set alarm in mobile for 7, and two reminders at 7:05 and 7:30)
me: foolproof.

da new day
(monday: morning 7:30)
me: what happened to my alarms. roomie, did you switch it off, roomie, give me my cell.
roomie: brrr.
me: roomie, where did you hide my purse.
roomie: brrr.
me: roomie, roomie, roomie.
roomie(the tank with 6 pegs inside, not a morning person): brrr.
me: where's your mobile, let me ping mine.
roomie(jumps up): i don't see it.
( roomie runs around the room searching for something).
roomie: good yaar, they got my purse but they didn't steal my cigarettes.
roomie: hey even my matches are safe.
me: i know, even if they took it, i know you have hidden reserves :). hey good thing that you didn't lock the door yesterday.
roomie: shit.
me: new day indeed :).

ps: thanks to robbers for not stealing my pc and my movie dvds(in which case i would have hunted you down and crushed your balls), thanks to the kind neighbor's who lend us money to get to the office.

Loneliness

2006-06-25T13:21:00.000+05:30

It gets to you. No matter where you are. No matter who you are with. It is bound to happen. It is probably just you in search of a kindred spirit. Sometimes it is just you in search of time away from kindred spirits.

Can't live with it. Cannot live without it. Khalil Gibran once said (though grossly misquoted by this psuedo intellectual) "Grief is the lathe that tears at our heart, making the cup for us to hold our joy"

Alas my cup of woes overfloweth.

Misery is my middle name. I cannot make new friends. I make new aquaintances, try to be as positive as I can. Slowly I start comparing them against rigid standards against higher examples of friendship. And the rot begins. I soon cannot even stand them. I do all I can to avoid them and their company.

After a few days they are happy as before and dont seem to notice my shift in attitude. I grow even more bitter at this indifference. I seethe. I rage. I bleed.

Yellow bile rises and I taste it at the back of my throat. I want to spit it out in spite. Instead I swallow it back down with inane conversations and Taco Bell Burritos.

It is just a rant. Ignore it.

petty bullshit :)

2006-06-22T12:58:00.000+05:30

so much light around,
i was searching for darkness
i knew at the bottom, who didnt
but i couldnt find it, the light is dazzling me

my friends told me, they cant see a thing
they saw omens, they heard voices
i smiled and couldnt believe it
my heart wept when i smiled

do i deserve this light of ignorance
i know i wont pay for it
but i feel guilty to enjoy this happiness
my head droop in shame, indulgent in petty bullshit

Friday

2006-06-16T22:46:00.000+05:30

Its Friday afternoon and I am sitting in the office. I can see the Operators (Not +,-,*,/ The AS/400 operators) walk outta the Data center, look right thru me and say "Get a life, kid!". Yeah, there was some switch over activity DR to PROD , PROD to DR, DR to UAT, UAT to DEV , DEV to HELL.. Anyway, that got over by 12 and I am supposed to enjoy my weekend. But what the heck heh ? I just got gifted by this 2.86 GB of MP3s and I decided 23 deg c and the MP3s in full volume is better than anything else. And yeah, the beverage of my choice - Mountain Dew, i think its the extra caffeine in it, Tastes really yummy after a plate of Arabic Biriyani (Aargh!).

Ha ha ha, Can you believe this, Tina is shouting in my ears -- "You are simply the best!" .... Woohay! Clarification --> Its Tina Turner .. he he :-)

My dear India, you sting me back, every now and then. Every night, i turn and toss around in my bed.. sleepless.. You pinch me and wake me up to the aroma of home made tea, today's hartal news, the cold rebooted maruti. Its been around 2 months, I have never felt sooooooo unpresent, unreal! I cannot involve in the day to day activities here!. I cant listen to whats going on in the meeting! I am disturbed... Every few minutes i pause, look up and turn around in my seat. I take the walk to the loo, stop pause, like a lizard that comes running to the tiger-balm.

Whats happening to me? I dont have an answer to what i am going to do. Everything's ok now. Everything's going on as planned. But why the heck am i getting shuttled between 2 months behind and 6 months ahead?! I dont know what to do! Probably i am doing the right kind of work ? Probably i am not excercising enough to get sleep ? Maybe i am not eating well ? Aargh!.. I love this song .. Zinda theme = Yeh hein meri Kahani. I wish to film it in dubai, millions of indians away from their homes, toiling in this burning desert, pulling rickshaws, doing whatever they can, shaping Dubai's future, only to sacrifice their entire life, return home old and diseased and send back the next generation.
But are they better off in their bunk beds , than their mumbai or chennai counterparts , because they earn in dirhams ? Questions to be pondered upon ? what the fuck can you do with the Indian rupee ? Where the middle classes income is mockery...

I am sorry... That was an outburst. And hell yeah! I dont regret! ZEUS ! SHOOT!

Double Century!

2006-06-16T16:59:00.000+05:30

Cranial Exodus has hit its Double Century! We have come a long way baby!
A Toast to the founder -> Balasankar,
and valuable co-contributers -> Ram and Me,
and Spiritual Guide -> Sijin
and for bouquets and brick bats(Comments)->Stimbi,Kesav,Uno, Freakie
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
//Listening to Aisha - Outlandish
Crowd Hater:

// This is dedicated to Sijin. Various parts of this are heavily skewed and are purely figments of imagination.
// Special thanks to Balaji, who just gifted me 2.86GB of MP3, in this music starved Desert.

// Now listening to: Matrix Theme - Asatoma Satgamaya - Navras.

Madhavan was older than Mahadevan and Meenakshi. He was the first child of Sivasankara Pillai and Parvathi Devi. Sometime during growing up, Madhavan's mind decided to take a break. By the time, he had got back, his siblings had already overtaken him. Nevertheless Madhavan remained a truly mamma's boy.

Madhavan's recurring nightmare, was when Madhavan and Mahadevan came late to home, and Parvati Devi decided to punish them. Parvati Devi belonged to a Kshatriya family and well versed with kalari. However, for now, She just took the cane and said "kai neetu! randu adi tharatte".
Tears started flowing from Madhavan's eyes. Mahadevan just stared along, with no expression on his face, Mahadevan never cried.

//Background Music has just now changed to "Na jaane koi" - Gangster
This was when Madhavan realized that he had no control over his tear glands. For reasons which he understood and most which he didnt, they filled up and choked him to death. Madhavan even thought of getting them operated out, and wondered why they were necessary in the first place.
When they grew up, Mahadevan decided to piggy back Madhavan, which added to his "Tear gland" woes.

//Shit! Mood spoiler - Song change - Sohniye | Strings - Whoever created that playlist!
Now, i have to write something happy. Madhavan was afraid of the crowd. Whilst it happened naturally to others, Madhavan couldnt easily speak out, introduce himself and mingle with others. Call him timid, introvert or whatever. Madhavan relished sleeping! Yup, sleeping was one "NON DEMANDING" task. Now, he he , you would want to add "Lazy" to the above list .. right ? Yeah , well, Madhavan liked sleeping and to this day, commands an uncanny ability to sleep at any time during the day, for as much as he wants. Talking about blessings eh ?

//Song change: Khamaj by Fuzon | Beautiful!
Enter Maya: Madhavan's love interest. Bold, outspoken girl, who becomes shy only infront of Paravathi Devi. Maya's influence of Madhavan was soon to be announced to the world. Madhavan nevertheless informed this in the form of a story to his friends _ Ram and Neo.

//Song : Aankhon ka Saagar by Fuzon
If there was anyone who could match philosophically with Madhavan, it was Balu.
If there was anyone who could sit alongside and code with Madhavan, it was Stimbi.
If there was anyone who could lead as much a careless life, it was Kesav.
If there was anyone who commanded as much respect, it was Soorji.
If there was anyone who could writes 256 lines of recursive c pointer code and be appreciated by the gnu c compiler as "Compiled Successfully", it was Benoy.
If there was anyone who could tell such convincing miracle stories, like how met god, it was Noufal.

However, Maya came along and woke up Madhavan from his sleep. Madhavan has not rested ever since. He put all his skills to use. He automated the whole of his Task bucket at Infy. He created software bots to program for him and fill his timesheets, at his company. Meanwhile, Madhavan was running around to find solutions to the "Maya" shock and his new found questions. Madhavan used to think deeply about AI - Aritifial Intelligence. He used to wonder ... What is it that defines "I" ? Will a robot ever feel about itself as "I" ? Why does Maya love me so much ?

Madhavan tried his luck at the stock market, burnt his fingers. Whilst doing all these, Madhavan never forgot to touch base with life, help friends philosophically, technically, monetarily. Madhavan is still regarded as the most helpful friend one can ever have! Madhavan would forget himself , while helping others. Madhavan could never see a bad trait in anyone. He just found the part which needed his help, and happily helped! Be it the 8th semester senior who walked into his room one night saying "I will give you my text, can you read it and teach me ?", or the stinking head torn dog, that stood behind him and watched Matrix....

What else do i say about Madhavan ? Or should I ? ....

Nissangatha

2006-06-16T11:33:00.000+05:30

Nissangatha

The closest translation of this beautiful malayalam word is :
Apathy , Indifference, Lethargy, Lack of Zeal. (Courtesy: Ram, KP, Answers.com)

Even the pronounciation is not without some amount of Mystery.
The beginning "Ni" sound is not pronounced as in "Neo" or "Nimbus".
It is a peculiar sound gifted only to the malayalam language: "NNI".
Whats even stranger is that Malayalam has two N's vis-a-vis "NA" and "NNA".

"N" ---> paNi, muNi, dhwaNi
"NN" ---> paNNi, maNNa, koNNa, vaNNu, cheNNu.

NN is supposed to be N + N , but it has a literal of its own. (Two N coalesced)

Two literals (Thanks to the 52 alphabets - most producing funny noises amidst serious conversations!)
Anyway, since there is a dedicated "NNA" , why wasnt "Nisangatha" written as "NNisangatha" ?
Enter new rule: If the "N" is the first alphabet in a word, it should be pronounced as "NN".
Thanks. That explains "Nanni" (Thanks). Where you get to see the "N" and "NN" as neighbours, whereas both are pronounced as "NN".
Same rule applies for "Ninnu".
Logically then, we could have written Nanni as "NNaNNi".
Failure to comply with this "Nanni" rule is the easiest way to identify if Malayalam is his/her "mother tongue",
or whether, whether he/she thinks in malayalam.

Now guys, dont get angry, Ram asked me to blog, so... this ...

What exactly is Nissangatha ?
Was it what Benoy experienced when he got campus placement and sat at MH, one fine evening ?
Was it why most panjikaran friends smoked, looking up at the sky, in front of the college ?
Was it that which made Sijin think like no one else die ?
Was it where Ram escaped, when the environment was getting too loud ?
Was it what bubbled underneath Zeus' anger ?
Was it the sick f*** Neo's actual problem ?

He he!

This is a f**** ing disgrace to this blog! Banish me...

Yet another Nissangatha. This is the first blog (ever) that i blogged and then deleted. However, within that split second, Zeus spotted it and mailed me! So, here goes.. The f****ing Nissangatha! Yeeha!!!

Digging Graves

2006-06-12T16:49:00.000+05:30

It is a fine morning for grave digging. I know this because I have just woken up and there is a shovel by my side. Unlike most movies would have you believe, the ideal time for digging graves is not a rainy, windy night but early morning when the sun is still not beating down on you.

I shoulder the shovel and dig. Slowly and patiently. I do not allow the thoughts of who the occupant of this new berth in netherworld would be. I do not want to think about it. In the back of my mind I can see him. But the face stays out of focus. In about 2 hours I am done. I throw the shovel aside and climb out of the six by three by four pit. I look to see if there is somebody that I can tell that I am done. There is no body. I call out into the woods. Nothing...For a while. Then something strange happens. I begin to split. Literally. A vertical line splits me in two. As the two halves begin to separate, a lizard's tail like regeneration takes place. In a minute there are two of us. There is one of us whom I would like to call Old self (or myself) and another whom I would like to call the New self.

Now why would I make this distinction? Purely because the one seems to be scared of the other and as far back as I can remember my life has been soaked in the smell of fear. So I identify with the fearful one.

The two bodies do not talk. Apparently there is no need. Until a moment ago the brain had been shared. So each knew to a great degree what the other was thinking. Eventually both looked at the empty grave. It hit them both at the exact same instant that it had to be filled.

The New takes out the Old. In a few minutes the New buries the Old. Am I dead? Have I been reborn?

The New pats down the earth, walks 500 steps away and falls to the ground. He sleeps. When he wakes he has no recollection of what he has done or where has been. He sees a shovel and suddenly feels the urge to go grave digging...

Asatoma Satgamaya

2006-06-01T17:41:00.000+05:30

Asatoma Sadgamaya
Thamaso Maa Jyothir Gamaya
Mrithyor Maa Amrutham Gamaya
Aum Shanti Shanti Shantihi

Lead me from the unreal to the real.
Lead me from darkness to light.
Lead me from death to immortality.
May there be peace everywhere.

Sidhartha | Middle Earth

2006-06-01T13:41:00.000+05:30

"I have finished my annual leave, my sick leave (quota). Now I'm entering into half-pay, and (in two weeks) I will be unpaid,"

Fear of the Future, Fear of inability, Fear of loss of prowess, Fear of incapacity.
Fear was what drove Sidhartha onto an ordinary life, as dictated by Godly men.
He was taught to relish and thank for all the blessings he had.
This could only be accomplished by looking down upon the more miserable of his species. Those without limbs, those without food, clothes, those who had to carry a 2 ton ac on their shoulder , in the scorching sun for a living.

But, that night, when sidhartha looked out of the window of his studio flat.
even the nightly breeze seemed to prick on his face.
when he watched that mayhem beneath , fondly referred to as the city,
he could see the viomea float out of his chest.
He knew exactly where he would end up ...
1 year from now, 2 years from now, 10 years from now, if he ever survived ...

He looked back at the bed... In the faint glow of the table lamp,
he could see his wife and child sleeping peacefully, unaware of the turmoil in sidhartha's mind.
The answers are plenty, they only depend on which reality you wish to choose.
You can seal your minds doubts , by one blind belief,
by keeping yourself engaged in one activity after the other..

Sidhartha, was however, bursting from within,
old age, sickness, death.. The three thoughts that troubled his mind..
I should leave my kingdom...
I should my family ...
I should leave everything I have ..
I cant imagine what went through Sidhartha's mind, at that moment.

Now is the best time to leave, hasten... but,
if you are late anymore, life would have conquered you , yet another time ...
you are not as strong as Sidhartha...

Blind belief is very powerful,
it boosts one's self confidence to such heights, that many things are accomplished,
some say its the power of the mind,
Given enough time, any theory can be proved right, any theory can be proved wrong.
What does science and everything else tell us ?
Believe!! make up your mind!!
As long as you are not a threat to humanity , whatever you believe is right!
All roads lead to Rome.

Except that once in a while, your consciousness might poke you,
and you might stray a little from the path you have chosen , blindly..
but what the heck,.. you are doing everything you can!