One of the most boring cliches used is "Today is the first day of the rest of your life" - Isn't that true for every day?
And what does whatever done on day 1 have to do with how the rest of the days turn out to be? Too long I have waited for a defining moment where the slate would be wiped clean, I would break out of my shell and become the true man leading the life I so want to.
I think me constantly struggling inside my shell is my definition. If I ever got out, I probably wouldn't know what to do with myself. I am defined by the act of escaping. But that implies that I absolutely need this prison to continually plot my escape.
Sometimes I pause to think of how my life should play out. It is nothing like what is going on right now. I also think if there are others like me. Others who are bothered by the disconnect between what is happening and what could be/should be/would be happening instead. And the funny part is when I really think about it hard, I cannot visualize the exact life I might be living, all I can sense is a strong sense of rejection of this life that I am currently living in. It's like a body rejecting a donor organ even if that organ is necessary for survival. It's like the body's statement that it will be defined by the struggle rather than the survival.
I think it is my role to struggle and always feel like an outsider. It tires out the brain rather easily and makes it restless. The best part of my day is when I am driving back home around 10:30 at night. I plug in my headphones under my helmet and play my music as loud as I dare to while driving through Chennai traffic. Its probably the best 20 minutes of the day when there is nothing between the ears but blessed music.
This is as confusing a blog I have posted in a long time. But just as real as well.