Thursday, May 12, 2005

Strange things

i was crossing the hell signal at bommanahalli. it is a junction, where everthing is hay-wire and my cab stopped exactly at the middle of the junction. there was traffic flowing in from all sides. i got out and glided thru. And then i was stuck in between two streams of traffic. i couldnt move forth or backward. I was stuck and then saw a bus screaming and rushing towards me. there was nothing i could do. jumping forth or backward into the traffic ,would be suicide. so i stood there looked at the bus and put my left hand forward and said "NO"
luckily, the bus screached to halt right in front of me. then i and the bus waited for a gap in the stream, i made my way and the bus made its own.

i was searching for the strings album 'duur'. i got the song 'duur' , but didnt get the song 'sar kiye'. i searched all day long, sent mail to the chaat list, contacted all. but nay. at 6pm , when i was sitting in the cab, desperate and sad, wanting to hear the song, Radio City started playing it!

it was raining heavily, i and stimbi was soaking wet and we squeezed ourselves into the share auto. there were 4 of us in that auto and i said 'if one more guy gets in , this is gonna break down'. one more guy got in and the auto broke down almost immediately.

on sunday, i and shibin went to Forum. we were absolutely sure we wouldnt get any tickets for 'KAAL'. and it was true, all the show timings were displayed in red, which meant 'SOLD OUT'. we decided we watch 'xxx-2 : the next level'. As i was about to reach the counter, a woman hurried and cancelled two tickets for 'KAAL'. we were very excited to call up UR and inform him that we got tickets for 'KAAL'.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Writing it all...

Warning : Lots of Pessimistic, depressive stuff, I am writing it down, so that i get

rid of it .. shit !

Maybe writing it all helps.
There are things which i took for granted... my 5 km drive back home, a desk where i
could even put my legs outstreched, a sultry room where i could sleep any time of
the day, the besant nagar beach side drive, ECR, sathyam cinema, the numerous film
festivals, work - where i estimated, completed, and reported out, days in office,
where i spent just listening to music with no regret at all, 2 great mentors, for
life and technology, ruffle lays potatoe chips, broadband, and above all, the
feeling that i was doing some work, though not great , not bad either!

i decided to break out of the cozy cocoon, when i got calls/kicks from three
corners, family , friends and god knows what! Initially , i thought that Change was
difficult and its difficult to cope up with , but now, exactly 28 days after the
transition, i realize that its not the change, it 'i' where the problem lies. The
problem is that i dont believe in this, what i am doing. A classic case of 'You are
ok, I am not OK'. I drag myself to meetings, i read up documentation like crazy and
smile and nod my head to everyone, like an orangutan, who used a good number of tweezers (aargh! your joke sucks!).

But then, 'most of the interesting people i have known, never knew what to do with
their lives' - baz luhrman. well that exactly is the problem. If i had no idea, or
if i had the exact idea it would've been great, but the problem is 'faint idea'. So,
i took a sheet of paper and started writing down things which i like the most..

1) Internet/ Java/ Web Apps/Oracle Dbase
2) Film Making
3) Open Spaces , Really Really Open Spaces , with very few living things. or something like 'Hope Springs' ?
4) Driving / cycling / Running

This list has remained more or less the same in the past couple of years. Then i
tried to figure out where my current job jump/ career shift actually fits in (The
real problem is too much thought , i shouldnt have the liberty of typing or thinking
so much, i must be overloaded with blind disciplined work!)

Back to where i left, i was trying to figure out why i made the shift.
yes, i was a little bored with work, but it was a cozy cocoon, where everything was
quite predictable and i was safe. but no, it wasnt really that bad!
MONEY ! - Yes , it was just money ! The feeling that moving the marker from 2.4 to
3.8 would really boost my value and prepare me for the next jump. Was i fuelled in
anyway by my environment ? Yes .. i did some bad reasoning and even prepared an

excel sheet comparing chennai and bangalore. Things which stood out where, 'everyone
is moving out of chennai', 'bangalore is the IT capital, more oppurtunities,+ living
there will actually tell you how competitive i am', 'life is costly is bangalore, so
what you are getting paid more to manage that', 'if i stay here , i will stagnate,
if i step out, i will cry, fight and grow', ' how would i know whats happening else
where , if i stay in this company alone ?'. so on friday , i sent out my resignation
letter and decided to leave, everthing happened in under 24 hours.

ok , so enough of depressing stuff...

There is so much positive around me , people are so involved and sure of the work
that they are doing. People actually put in 11-12 hours with joy! And Feedback is
given and taken in an amazing way. How much of all this is possible in a Consulting
company , i am not sure. I am only sure that i am in middle of really brilliant
people, not only because of their technical knowledge, but also because of the real
cool attitude and maturity that they deal with situations.

The most taxing, the most difficult thing in the universe is talking. Its the most
draining , dehydrating thing! I thought i would change, and gather up some more
energy to say 'hi' to all and talk with just anyone and everyone... be it about the
coffee or just about the music playing on radio city. but .. na... all i can manage
(that too with real effort) is smile ... and i think thats a great achievement!

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Sympathy for Mr.Revenge

Are you saddled with mediocre emotions?
I mean, have you ever experienced an extremity of any one emotion?
For a split second, have you ever been that emotion personified?
I haven't. I feel I am living a life of mediocre moderation.
I need to have revenge. An eye for an eye. Tooth for broken tooth.
But no one has mortally wronged me to deserve just retribution. No one has done anything to bring me upon themselves as the nemesis. I wish somebody would hurt me hard enough, for me to want to kill them. But for now all I can do is assault my enemies with documentation and hope that they get vicious paper cuts when they take print-outs of my venomous outpurings.

I wish I could make revenge the sole purpose of existence. Maybe I should do something to make it start. You know, act proactively and all that...

If you are wondering about the title, it is the title of a movie by Chan Wook Park. The guy who made Old Boy. This one is a uni dimensional revenge saga, where 3 people seek the revenge that they believe they deserve, their inter-twined vengeances and a finale of depressing abruptness.

Watch it for a change of pace.

Friday, May 06, 2005

My ears are keenly listening to the tv behind, while i write these words. As long as the tv is reproducing the music from some damn internet radio, some where in the world, i am safe, i can continue to think that everything is fine. I know its not working, its bound to crash any second, but until it does, i am going to relax. Thinking of that, happiness and sadness in my life is mostly this these days. If some little work of mine works, i am happy, if it doesnt i am unhappy, if it was not done in a competitive time, i am unhappy, if its not done properly i am unhappy. I will think myself into being unhappy. And sometimes i feel unhappy, when i forget some incident which was making me unhappy. I am planning to increase my happyness threshold. Stop being happy about small things. It will do good to my work. Thats enough depressing talk.

a poem by my friend

nagarkoil saalaiyil perunthu poi kondu irrukka...
lesana thooral,
chillendru saaral,
vaanuyarntha selipaana marangal,
mazhai thuligalaal nanaintha pachai nira malai prathesangal.
siru oodaiyil mazhai neer ooda
saalaiyai pol yen manathu muzhuvathum eeram.
pokkuvarathu nerisalaal
perunthu oor idathil ninrathu
perunthil podapatta paadalai
rasitha padiye
jannilin vazhiye yetti paarthen
siru siru koorai veedugal
siriya kadaigal therinthathu
oru veetin vaasalil
oru sinna pen ninraal
theiveega mugam
naan paarthen
theivam ayyirtre...
naan paarpathu therinthu
avalum paarthaal.
amaithiyaaga ninraal.
asaiyakooda villai.
naan paarthukonde irrunthen...
oriru nimidangal kandanthathu
perunthu mella nagarnthathu
antha pennum mella yennai nokki narnthaal
perunthu vegaithai pidikka
avalum vegamaaga oodi vanthu
kaattril parakka vittaal...
avalathu muththamenum anbai..
perunthu thiruvananthapurathirkku
merkkaale sella
yen uyir mattum
kizhakkaale senrathu

Ramesh is my colleague. Not sure whether neo will understand the poem. And hes writing about his real experience. I always had this notion that tamil people are more romantic, and cant get a cooler proof for that. And the language is also very beautiful.

Thursday, May 05, 2005


Hongasandra is a beautiful village. Unlike a mallu village , this place is totally dusty. Vishnu once remarked that if you stay at hongasandra center for more than 10 minutes you would die of dust attack. No wonder, Asthma is the most common disease in Bangalore. This place is totally cut off from the IT buzz of bangalore , though occassionaly you can see people with red, blue , grey tags around their necks. The share auto drive from Bommanahalli to hongasandra tent (theatre) is a really great experience. It would also be true to say , its a get away place, you would actually feel you are in some remote village of india and not the IT capital. The drive from hongasandra to bommanahalli takes 10 minutes and from bommanahalli to whitefield (back seat of sumo) takes 1 hour.

Yesterday , Benoy sprang to life on Yahoo! and said " why dont i take a break and go home or travel around ? if i cant do that , what am i working for ?". That was something which had been bubbling underneath all the time. But Benoy has a valid reason , he has really sweated it out at a major corporation. Yesterday , i was reading 'The monk who sold his ferrari' and really wanted to check out my heritage and see if someone had really gone mad due to excessive thinking .. is that a disorder ?

Long time back, when i wanted to ditch my 'neo' name and switch to 'cypher', zeus threatened me that he would execute me. I wonder if that holds true , even now ..

Dog has made the first real step in helping build corrupt politicians in india by paying a good tax of 7.8 K !Jai Jawan , Jai kisan, Jai Vigyan, Jai IT!

If i had written all this in a notepad and then tried to copy paste it to the blog, it wouldnt have happened , because damn! this is so much yuk! stuff .. so my advice is .. if you want to blog, blog live and direct , so that you dont get a chance to edit it ! So that by the time you finish writing , your consciousness doesnt start poking you ..

Decision Making skills : its becoming increasingly difficult to make decisions
I stared at the coffee vending machine for 2 whole minutes !! Coffee ? Tea ? Lemon Tea ? Mocachino ? or just plain water ?

And i sit here , infront of the flickering monitor (damn ! the generators are doing this ?) , trying to avoid any attention .. I have not contacted anyone or asked for any work , i am trying to act as a nobody ..
While(1) { question_thoughts(); question_actions(); }
Ultimately its all ending up as the same routine - capable of thought, incapable of action!