Writing it all...

Warning : Lots of Pessimistic, depressive stuff, I am writing it down, so that i get

rid of it .. shit !

Maybe writing it all helps.
There are things which i took for granted... my 5 km drive back home, a desk where i
could even put my legs outstreched, a sultry room where i could sleep any time of
the day, the besant nagar beach side drive, ECR, sathyam cinema, the numerous film
festivals, work - where i estimated, completed, and reported out, days in office,
where i spent just listening to music with no regret at all, 2 great mentors, for
life and technology, ruffle lays potatoe chips, broadband, and above all, the
feeling that i was doing some work, though not great , not bad either!

i decided to break out of the cozy cocoon, when i got calls/kicks from three
corners, family , friends and god knows what! Initially , i thought that Change was
difficult and its difficult to cope up with , but now, exactly 28 days after the
transition, i realize that its not the change, it 'i' where the problem lies. The
problem is that i dont believe in this, what i am doing. A classic case of 'You are
ok, I am not OK'. I drag myself to meetings, i read up documentation like crazy and
smile and nod my head to everyone, like an orangutan, who used a good number of tweezers (aargh! your joke sucks!).

But then, 'most of the interesting people i have known, never knew what to do with
their lives' - baz luhrman. well that exactly is the problem. If i had no idea, or
if i had the exact idea it would've been great, but the problem is 'faint idea'. So,
i took a sheet of paper and started writing down things which i like the most..

1) Internet/ Java/ Web Apps/Oracle Dbase
2) Film Making
3) Open Spaces , Really Really Open Spaces , with very few living things. or something like 'Hope Springs' ?
4) Driving / cycling / Running

This list has remained more or less the same in the past couple of years. Then i
tried to figure out where my current job jump/ career shift actually fits in (The
real problem is too much thought , i shouldnt have the liberty of typing or thinking
so much, i must be overloaded with blind disciplined work!)

Back to where i left, i was trying to figure out why i made the shift.
yes, i was a little bored with work, but it was a cozy cocoon, where everything was
quite predictable and i was safe. but no, it wasnt really that bad!
MONEY ! - Yes , it was just money ! The feeling that moving the marker from 2.4 to
3.8 would really boost my value and prepare me for the next jump. Was i fuelled in
anyway by my environment ? Yes .. i did some bad reasoning and even prepared an

excel sheet comparing chennai and bangalore. Things which stood out where, 'everyone
is moving out of chennai', 'bangalore is the IT capital, more oppurtunities,+ living
there will actually tell you how competitive i am', 'life is costly is bangalore, so
what you are getting paid more to manage that', 'if i stay here , i will stagnate,
if i step out, i will cry, fight and grow', ' how would i know whats happening else
where , if i stay in this company alone ?'. so on friday , i sent out my resignation
letter and decided to leave, everthing happened in under 24 hours.

ok , so enough of depressing stuff...

There is so much positive around me , people are so involved and sure of the work
that they are doing. People actually put in 11-12 hours with joy! And Feedback is
given and taken in an amazing way. How much of all this is possible in a Consulting
company , i am not sure. I am only sure that i am in middle of really brilliant
people, not only because of their technical knowledge, but also because of the real
cool attitude and maturity that they deal with situations.

The most taxing, the most difficult thing in the universe is talking. Its the most
draining , dehydrating thing! I thought i would change, and gather up some more
energy to say 'hi' to all and talk with just anyone and everyone... be it about the
coffee or just about the music playing on radio city. but .. na... all i can manage
(that too with real effort) is smile ... and i think thats a great achievement!