Wednesday, December 13, 2017

A wreath for my mind

religion has a usage - "what your right hand possesses".
what the fuck do we possess really?
pamper all you want your ego that you understand or own,
if anyone pampers you saying - oh you understand me so much!
for heaven sake, don't get carried away, you understand nothing.
be like einstein, consider yourself the curious child,
at the ocean shore, full of amazement, full of awe and humility.
Never for a moment be carried away at the thought of
"aaha! it all makes sense now, or at least some sense".
the only word in English with some sense is "Nonsense".

mentalist aathi said in an interview on "The Happiness Project"..
"Depression" is a word which is misused often these days.
At the end of depression, there is a place where you actually thrive in pain
Like it fuels you to scoff at those who threaten you with pain.
So then, why seek an alternative heaven or hell?
lets stay put, in this room, in this fountain bubble floating in the cosmos,
endlessly, callously, pretending to be conscious and aware,
trying to understand and do anything if it matters,
pushing our bodies and minds to the extremes of experiences.
the only rule is - Nope, you can't leave the room

Sleep used to be my blessing, my boon. A way in which i find solutions,
a place where i retired the short circuited fuselage with the cockpit
a cocoon of catharsis, a place where i called home, brain-rest
its replaced with crypto currency now, an endless flow of information,
the best way to get knocked out is not alcohol, its information overload
and thankfully, i have found an abode which is an endless supply of data
blockchain, bitcoin, cryptocurrency, the lure of making money without a job

There is no God. There is no Life after death

There is no God
There is no Life after Death
There is no Justice
There is no Karma
The strong feeds on the weak
There is no Truth
Nobody is more important than yourself
Nobody is less important than yourself
Nobody is equivalent to you
Seeking similarity must be stopped at 50%
Seeking difference must be stopped at 50%
Your plan might be a burden on another
Your undecidedness might be a mockery on another
You cannot stop yourself from hurting others
You cannot stop others from hurting you
The past is not forgotten, the future will always be dreaded
in momentary glimpse of hope, love, peace and compassion,
we forget the truth - we are all doomed and take life for granted
A child is worthy dying for
Because thats the only case, where you pay something forward,
without expecting anything in return.
If you are still reading this nonsense,
you need a psychiatrist or better yet a pseudo mentalist
Don't expect anyone to understand you
Don't expect others to understand you
But yes, wake up everyday with Hope
Hope that this day wont leave you lesser than yesterday
and whatever good, bad or ugly you experience
only adds one more neuron, one more word into your DNA
there is no going back, only moving forward
if there is one thing that all of the universe agrees as impossible,
its going back in time. so yes, don't even think about it
be selfish, wipe your regret with the toilet paper of self regard
ooze confidence and trample on others, if you need to eat, sleep or clothe
hesitating you always lost against the persistant him
don't read this again, don't try to understand,
the floor you stand is not yours, the body you own is not yours,
the emotions you feel, might be made to feel, with conjecture

"how long had i been gone, how long had i been back.. did it matter?" - Solaris

Wednesday, December 06, 2017

3 AM - The Night is Evil

The Night is Evil, The Night is Dark
3 AM is the time when the night shift begins to drift into slumber.
Its the edge of the reason, Its the beginning of treason.
Its when drivers drift away at the steering wheel.
Its when lines become blurred and madness takes over.
Its when the horror of past comes to haunt you over
if you are awake at 3, stay awake till dawn
Don't sleep until you have had sunrise fall on your face
Call it superstition, Call it bullshit
Everything bad that has ever happened, has happened at 3 AM
It is the time of the upside down cross
it is the time for the unholy trinity of evil
man, woman and satan; loved, betrayed and murdered.
neither of them trust each other
yet they all are chained together for some common goal.
Call them the pioneers of a "trustless" economy
bounty hunters of the real god's soul
So, if you feel the dream collapsing at 3 AM,
or a weird surreal sensation of disconnect from reality.
it is not a drug or hormone acting up inside you.
It is the power of 3 AM, it is the point of oblivion
Priorities change, People change, yet one thing is sure,
if there is an hour called 3 AM, you will drift away from your reality.

Tuesday, December 05, 2017

A B C - A Blood Clot

the wrong ideal,
an incessant need to connect and be found,
an obsession to prove right and win,
a circus of emotions, a plethora of solutions.
playing it cool, versus crumbling into total anhiliation,
losing ground under feet , changing perspectives.
hating the loved one the most,
and loving the hated one the most.
adoration for nothing in particular,
donning the nickname haTred after ages of Quake.
who the f*** are we to own and possess.
nothing belongs, nothing is defined.
mesmerized by the chaos of degenerating cells,
wanting to be coherent and convey a signal, a symbol.
bastards of an unknown god, blue birds of an unknown devil.
sickening long-tailed emails of deliberate smoke,
an inability to empathize, because it/him/her/they don't exist.
the right ending.


And then pointing to his brain, he said "If there is a hell, its here, its here, its here". 
There was no sign of conflict in the way he said this, no despair, no disappointment. 
No arrogance of having discovered something new, nor shame of repeating the old.
It was a neutral resignation to the fact that this is it, nothing before, nothing beyond.

We speak of such great concepts like "Distributed Consensus" using the block chain and "Decentralized Database" ~ the concept of not owning, but being part of the network. Yet, when it comes to human emotions, we are rather primitive.  We still like to think in terms of hierarchy, ownership, stereotypes brainwashed into us since time immemorial. I firmly believe that block chain is here to stay, and it is the greatest revolution that mankind has ever experienced.

How do you observe without interfering? That was the whole point of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle. The moment we interfere, we have essentially tampered the natural flow of some thing. We are no longer disconnected from it, but part of the reality.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017


N leaned in a bit closer to M and tried to ask quietly.

N - So, when did you wake up?
M - You don't wanna know.

The waiter interrupted the conversation to serve the food. The endless clanking of knifes forks and spoons continued in the background, with muffles of high-society conversations about the next big project in the city of dreams. The yellow lighting in the restaurant atop the tallest tower added to the surreal ambience of .... yes, we are sitting in an artificially cooled glass restaurant rotating at its own axis, about a kilometer high from the desert level, overlooking the underwater hotel rooms. Height of human of achievement? Who knows.

M starts to dig into the food. N cannot control his excitement, ignores the food and starts his string of questions again.

N - Hmmm.. .Then it must have been a pretty long time indeed.
M - The point is ... its better if its left unknown. Why add to the misery by questioning everything.
N - How can we not question? I mean, that's what makes us ... "we" ? different from them?
M - I am one of you, But I am also one of them.
N - I am only looking it from my perspective. My experience. My thoughts.
M - That's the right path, I'd say. Trying to think of it from everyone's perspective will probably lead you nowhere.
N - Precisely. I gave up on that approach a long time ago. How many times have you woken up?
M - Lost count. It doesn't work that way. Being conscious once does not mean you carry all the information throughout awakenings. Think of it like memory. Do you remember being here before?
N - If you consider it similar to memory, you are just saying that we cannot recall it. But it exists nevertheless, right?
M - Existence in one plane can be non-existence in another. Think of popping in and out of existence, like a time machine.
N - But , why did you say that some are superior to others. You mean, there is a heirarchy?
M - Well, one thing is for sure. There is no distributed consensus of everything . Democracy can only scale so much. At some point, brutal intervention is required, and yes there are hierarchies , though not in the sense that you have witnessed.
N - How much control do you have over it ?
M - Over... ?
N - Well , over everything.
M - No, that level of control is not available to anyone. You get a taste of control. But let me tell you this, its best you don't have the control. If you know everything, would you want to experience something?
N - Most of the times, I feel I am unconscious. Not really connected. You know the feeling? is it because I don't know the entry and exit points?
M - You mean, how many levels down or up?
N - Yeah, at least a hint of it ?
M - I can tell you that you are pretty deep in. At the point of a break-out
N - A break-out ? Whats that like?
M - Like Death?
N - wait a minute.... Death?
M - oh well, think of it as sleep then.
N - I don't want to sleep.
M - In your case, its not a want. You can't. You are awakened.
N - Can I go back to unconsciousness ?
M - It probably is not in your control. I would say, don't try something stupid.
N - I don't mean that. I mean, perhaps exchange awakenings in short duration. I can't handle this much wakefulness.
M - You will get used to it.
N - Thats the problem. I don't want to sleep. You know what happens when I close my eyes.
M - But you do sleep, don't you?
N - Yes, when i collapse and black out
M - Ah well, thats the best sleep ever! Its a time for your consciousness to recover.
N - Wait, don't leave yet.

N looked around. M had vanished into thin air. There was only one plate on the table. No sign of another person having sat across him or used any of the things around. The waiter came in and gave the bill. The bill read - "Table for 2, booked by Mirror". N looked at the bill and said to himself "Thanks for the gesture. Otherwise I would have thought I just spoke to myself".

Thursday, October 05, 2017

Oblivion - Talk and Smile - The Dual Nature of Wave Particle Human Existence

Even if its just two doors, you have to crack before you fall down dead,
There is no simple answer, no one magical key which opens all doors.
If  I choose to ignore an uneasy sensation, my half-awake mind tells me,
I should accept what the other half will dawn upon me, when it awakens.
And then, have I listened to some unmemorable part of me?
Like they say, not everyone who is lost, wants to be found.
If you don't know what you want, the world will decide for you.
What if you know what you want, but the world expects you to smile nevertheless?
Say it out, just try talking, Express in anyway possible, seek help!
Is there a possibility that wave and particle have frozen into an unrecognizable blob?
Bubbling, wobbling underneath that steaming pot of god knows what,
What if there is nothing underneath, but an endless limbo of time and space?
What if its just a cruel joke of eternal wait for nothingness, 
carefully contrived to be ages of preparation, for a clearer path.
Fuzziness could appear clear to the carefully rewired Brain.
Indecisiveness mocked as a arrogance, Freezing frowned upon as dumbness.

Monday, October 02, 2017

Why are you chilling? We don't see you suffering

This single rule defines all of humanity, or at least all of us indians, asians, arabs.

You are expected to portray pain, suffering, struggles on your face almost all the time.

If you decided to laugh in office, beware! By the time you get back to your desk, you will have a series of "Reminders" and "Tasks" from your boss, because he believes that you are "chilling" and not really suffering at work. i.e, Smiling is considered as Slacking.

The same applies to your parents, colleagues, neighbors. If you are having a grin on your face, it kills them from within. You might be sipping your favorite beverage or causing no harm at all to the universe. But, It is considered a colossal sin, because you are not found to be stuck with a problem, or crying your heart out, or seeking help from them.

In general, you are expected to wear a frown on your face. Take a walk in any street in India or the Arab world or the far east. How many people have a non-frowning face? is it because they have some serious issue? Not really. It because they don't want to be judged as "chilling". Everyone wants to be the "pitied" one. There is always a chance of getting extra mercy (jumping the line, or a little extra cash), if you were the frown. There is a huge incentive to it.

It also stems from the extremely pervasive religious and superstitious sentiments we are born into. If we smile, its considered as the stepping stone to laziness, slacking, self-pampering or whatever. On the other hand , if we frown, it means we are suffering in life and trying to improve ourselves? I beg to differ. If we frown too much, it we means we are self-obsessed with our personal troubles, that we cannot see beyond it anymore. Not that working on self is bad , but , are you really being sad because you are working on yourselves or is it to show the world that "hey i am not chilling! i am suffering!".

Look at all the religions.
Christianity - We are born from sin (sex). Christ's blood saved us. Adam was tempted. We are bad. We have to earn our way into heaven.
Islam - We are lost. We have collect game points by abiding to religion to increase the our position in the god ladder and be closed to his throne in heaven.
Hinduism - We can only break this endless cycle of birth and rebirth, if we suffer and lead a terrible life.

In short, you are not permitted to sit and watch the clouds, or just take care of your own business. That's a criminal offence. You are expected to follow the herd and have a gloomy face, and wear a mask of suffering. The worst being "putting a sad clown face", when someone walks in and going back to the "i don't give a sh!!" face when they walk out. Pretentious Pompous Pious Relgious Unsophisticated Dishonest worms.

What if Buddha was wrong? What if this life is not a suffering with old age, sickness, confusion, lack of purpose et al.. ? What if , we are ok with the present moment? What if I am not judged by my salary or my attendance to your holy sermon? What if I don't need anything from you unless I ask you of it (and don't want it to be offered for free)? What if what you had for breakfast should not drive our conversation? What if I dont keep a track of how often you communicate with me, and every moment of yours with me is taken for what it is and nothing more or nothing less?

 So, go ahead. Wear that Kevin Spacey smile or better yet, wear your own Smile.
I have strong beliefs that Satan was more conscious of the present moment, and smiled more often, than God (as constructed by our religions) taught us to be sad all day, because we were born from sin , into sin, and will be lost sinners all throughout our life.

Smile, or frown. Its your choice. But for heaven sake, don't do it for yourself, not others.

Friday, June 19, 2015

A conversation with the Devil

The sound of his bike did not disturb my calm. I looked at the horizon and saw the ocean waves dissapear into oblivion. It was an uncomfortably humid afternoon. Yet, I sat there, with my eyes straining to remain open. I wish I'd brought a pair of sunglasses.

"Pretty meek, ey" , said he as he walked over and stood towards my left trying to see what was it that i was looking at for a while.

"Ah.. boring", said he, and with the wipe of his hand, changed the scene to a grass mountain overlooking the city. But, then appeared a metal fence all of the sudden, and it made the view mesh-like.

D: "God damn it, oops, sorry. See, I tried to fix the boring hot afternoon beach with a greener mountain top watching the city lights, and voila, there comes a fence that disturbs your view now. I always goof up one thing or the other. And yes, I can't change the time, its still 6 pm"

I just looked at him, smiled and continued my gaze into the oblivion.

He understood that his little magic did not work any wonders on me. I had seen it before. He stood by the fence and tried use one of the Matrix dialogues to start the conversation.

Devil: "Look at them, city lights. millions of people driving, going home, going to the bar, going to the school or whevere, just living out their lives. and you, you decide to stop doing whatever it is that you are doing, and sit on your butt atop his grass mountain (yup , i cheated, you were warming your ass on the beach), and stare into oblivion. I can't read whats in your mind you know, I am not him"

Human: "Why are you even trying?"

D: "What? To read your mind? We are all his lost children you know. Am his creation too". He chuckles into a peel of laughter. "Na... am just curious about humans who live right in the middle you know. You are neither overly affiliated to him , or me. You stay right in the middle -as human".

H: "I don't do it on purpose"

D: "Exactly, thats why you are so good at it (Courtesy: Memento, 1999)."

D: "I am surprised that you lasted this long. I thought you'd give up much earlier. Maybe in the first year, when I made you falter at your first steps and made you doubt yourself. Or , your year 3, when I sprinkled some spice on your weakest territories, ha ha. Or , your recent pat, where I tried to fill in with worries of your future. The What-If What-If scenario. But heck! you persist. What about this is so promising that you choose to persist?"

H: "Does no one last as long as me?"

D: "Well, its not that. Most give up much earlier than you, you know. Its only in weird persisters like you, that I have to take a personal trip and have a one-to-one conversation like this to understand what is your driving force. And with you, this is not our first conversation, so need of the pleasantaries, I can get straight to the point".

H: "I could ask the same to you, I am surprised that you lasted this long in your attempts. What about me is so challenging for you? Why don't you send a vampire or fire ball or some disease or misfortune and claim my allegience".

D: "Well, thats fun with those who really believe in me. The problem with you lots is that you know its all my game. You know, I am bored with the billions who falter over easily. I want a better game. I mean, I want it to happen to you, the same way as it happens to others, slow steps of temptation, stepping in to the realm of clouded decisions and then finally abandoning thought. But you don't! You stay as human. Its irritating that I still have to put your file in the "Unclassified" shelf. I know what rocks your ship, but I don't know yet, what will topple it over completely".

H: "Give it some time"

D: "True. That. He didn't give me access to that tool - 'Time'. I can only stretch, squeeze time when someone is under the influence. Sometimes it works, startling them with hallucinating images of dreams of predictive future. But its momentary, I really cannot speed up from the 6:06 pm now to 9 pm , if i wished. Nor can I send it back to where it all started".

H: "Is that remorse in your tone? that you can't go back?"

D: "No way. I'd try out a different path, but never kneel to allegience. You humans having it easy. You can kneel and plead for forgiveness saying - oh good lord, I was tempted. Ever wondered who tempted me to rebel? Or is that innate is some of us?".

H: "Whats wrong with allegience?

D: "Hey, you are the human, you are being spot-checked, not me. Don't ask me!So then, how long do you intend to sit here? When will you move on?"

H: "Why don't you wait and see? Isn't boring to predict or know all thats going to happen. I mean, I understand your need for feeling alive by trying to influence my decisions. But why make me commit on a specific time when I will stop being this or that and move on? Don't worry, our paths will cross again".

The roar of his bike echoed into the night. The fire from his bike tore down the fence and off he raced down the grass mountain into the city that was beginning to get dark. 8 million souls lay await. Who knows, what he will discover today?

Sometimes I wonder though, do I spit out enough venom and negativity that it even pisses of the devil himself ?

Monday, August 11, 2014

The Block

*** Found this in the recesses of the Drafts section. Can't even remember if it's I who wrote this... Anyway, off you go into the wild, little post. Happy New Year to anyone still foolish enough to check this space for updates ***

The number of times I have begun trying to put down a post has been more than ably matched by the number of times I discarded the same. Having been so far removed from this habit, I think it rather presumptuous on my part to label it a 'Writer's Block'. For someone who has not posted anything in over a year all claims to this rather tenuous label 'Writer' are long forsaken.

And still I come back desperate to say something and hopeful of being heard. Even if that which is inside is not shouting itself out. Even if all I have left to convey are dull silences.

"What are you thinking?"
"How can you think of nothing?!"
"It's a talent!"

And this is by now a running joke whose humorous aspect has long since run far away. And yet, I do think of nothing in the sense that I am thinking of nothingness filling my brain like ink and yet not assuming the tangible shape of a 'something'. Maybe I am thinking of 'something' disguised as 'nothing', held back only by my own lack of vocabulary for its expression 

To anyone who thinks I am drunk, depressed or desolate; things could not be further from the truth. I am content, work is good, travel is hectic, my needs meet my means halfway. And yet, the human in me wants more. More time, More downtime, More facetime...

And therein lies my dilemma - of not finding the time to express the nothingness in a more meaningful way.