Thursday, December 30, 2004

Words Random

forced, fed,
left undead.

last hope,
enough rope.

lost time,
reason, rhyme.

enough said
heaving head.

tuneless songs,
mindless throngs.

Causal analyses,
fatal catalysis.

prematurely aged,
ferocity caged.

rage denied,
nature defied.

throbbing impotence,
celebrating ignorance.

blessed meek,
gloating keep.

chained heroes,
glorified zeroes.

faking faces,
mistaken places.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

When i had my job in trivandrum, the first 8 months i used to travel 15 kms a day by two buses. I used to have the company of a bus full of little school going children, all cheerful and noisy. They would be with me for half the distance. I would listen to the little boys playing silly games and little girls chatting. Then i used to walk a little every day on the same path, which runs through a residential area. The whole travel thing gives you a lot of space even if the buses are crowded and even when you are travelling the same path every day. Looking back from here they all look interesting, though i might have been a lot bored with them some times. The worst would be the wait for buses. Most of the days i used to wait for around 1 hour in the night at a bus stop which did not have even a bench to sit. I used to think of making concrete benches there. 1 hour is a lot of time to stand alone and you get the craziest thoughts in your head.

Later i moved in with my grandpa at a house closer to my office. Living with grandpa was kinda difficult and the lack of freedom hit me really hard. And then again my escape was the quite and calmful 3 km stretch from my house to the office. Many days i used to walk both ways and i had about 6 combinations of paths to take. One of these paths passed through a residential area housing most of the the state ministers. Huge, old and beautiful buildings with lot of grand trees around. And a i used to touch two schools in the way, so again the company of little children. Then there was the 7th way by getting on a bus and then i have to walk only half a km. Mostly i took that way in the night when i give company to my friends for dinner. That way had a church like thing with people doing mass prayers most of the time. And a girls hostel in a beautiful old fashioned house guarded by two ferocious dogs. Just accross you see a huge unmaintained pond which looked very inviting. A great place to commit suicide. The pentecost prayer hall also used to entice me a lot. I used to call somebody(mostly nihas) when i had a chance to walk this way.

So in hyderabad on a whole i miss mobility, space and those charming paths. Another thing would be people with whom i communicate via telepathy. And the children.

And the little things, like the small tea shops, fish curry meals, occassional film festivals, sea food ...


Welcome December ! I love you !
Today my vehicle stopped at the kotturpuram signal , after clocking 45 kilometres to a litre ... hmmm .. i thought it would reach 50 ... anyway, i took out the petrol stored in the bottle (kept in refrigerator last night :) and poured it ...
me horse wouldnt start !! I tried the two step choke , one step at a time .. nope .. no hope ..
Today is supposed to the blue day at office and i am wearing a blue executive shirt , blue naturally faded jeans (4 yrs and still counting... ) and a blue reebok shoes (after persuading shobin over the phone for 4 minutes) and the blue Timex watch (Balz) .. so i think i am looking cool today and all the chicks racing on the scootys and hugging on to their dear lives behind their pulsars are having a second look at the smart chap stuck on the road and kicking his ass !! oops kickin his bike !! ..
went to the near by shop .. shopped for 20 Rs petrol .. and came back and filled ... NO HOPE YET! ... call up bala , dog ,vikram , and seetha....
Called up Varnad at Hero Honda , Adyar and informed ..
His suggestion "Seems you got an AIR BLOCK , Keep the petrol tank open and kick start ... "
"OKEY >> THANKS .. " I said .
After cutting the line, i realized the HORROR !! if you open the petrol tank lid .. you cannot possibly remove the key from it .. how then do i use the key the switch on the vehicle .. Oh!!!!
Brain wave ... Fought furiously with teeth and nails ... aah! shit ! doesnt work ..
Cross over : .. Bargained furiously with teeth and nails .. Rs 50/- for the auto rickshaw ! THIEF ! ROBBER ! BASTARD !!!... went home , picked up the spare key came back and then opened petrol lid , switched on .. kick kick ..
while (1) {
if (started()) {
Broke the infinite loop after 15 minutes .. reason "tired .. "
Called up Adyar motors again .... Varnad Promises help in 10 minutes ... Called up everyone near and dear again .. just like that .. i was enjoying this :) ...

Sudden Screach ... WHOLE of kotturupuram froze ! a Qualis breaked just in time ... phew !! Culprit : YET ANOTHER SOAMFA Auto rickshaw which took a sudden U-Turn .
Autos have only one front wheel which helps then i sudden turns (90/180) .. which leade to accidents !
meanwhile, my god-send-helper (mahesh from adyar motors) was searching for me infront of IIT .. I called him twice .. went to Voice mail and finally got him ... phew .. told him that i was at kotturpuram .. our communication was 50 % effective (english - tamil - gibberish) ...
finally he found me and did this ..
Open petrol tank lid ... blow air .. close lid .. open fuel pipe from near reserve knob , leak out some petrol , switch on choke ... one start ... switch off choke ..
VOILA !! grrr .. ambitions purrs like a pussy :) ... yahooooooooooo!!!
Felt really good that day .. because i wasnt in the fucking air conditioned office explaining my existence :) ha ha ha ..
To make sure you have proper attendance , dont swipe out .. at 12 midnight , it will automatically do it ..(exception single swipe!!) ... thats one small flaw in the system :) so i clock 9 hours .. ie 3 pm to 12 pm :)

NB : The climate has been near perfection in the last few weeks !! Hallelujah ! That could explain the high spirits :)

Wednesday, November 24, 2004


Here i am ... in my company , which saved me from shame (?!), gave me true purchasing power, and made me believe that i am really worth something ..

Its been 15 months in the same project .. 12 months on the same desk , same location...
people came , people left , people went onsite , people cursed and banged the door, people got appraised , people were given T-shirts ....

Ultimately one statement still holds true
" You can play around with the intermediate tollgates, delays in requirements should be adjusted and the final delivery date will ALWAYS be the same as decided".
Even the death of an employee should not effect it , because we are a process driven company , not an ethical or humane company ..

General rules as elsewhere apply , if you lick ass, your mistakes will be covered and you will be praised for other peoples work ...

English is the best language for making you work more, because of inbuilt words like "VALUE ADDITION", "PRODUCTIVITY" etc....

For the past 6 months the worst has been happening ,
Along with the pressure to finish a 6 months project (with proper requirements) in 1 month (without proper requirements) , you are also supposed to educate an idiot sitting at onsite about the work that he is supposed to give you and try and explain over phone (takes usually 4 to 5 hours a day) why you need a particular info.

When i look around, i see that we have grown ..
yup, thats true, back in november 2003, when we transitioned from noida to chennai, ours was a decaying account .. we lost almost 4 projects ("MELT DOWN" is the term used, obviously because we have a lot of third party consultants onsite who are only happy to blame offshore for everything). Yup, everything was bad ...

Now, my team itself has grown from 6 to 16 ... and the account just crossed 120 or something .. thats really good .
The strategy has been to recruit freshers , because they wouldnt complain even if they had to work for 24 hours a day . In college, if you are working on your project , you wouldnt know if you worked for 24 hours ..because you love the work ...

Here , you are supposed to develop an application in 10% of the time it would actually take, deliver it first time right, on time , and other crap .... because you are really competing for the 5 inch pizza that the Client throws with other CMMI 5 dogs in the arena!! Yeah, we have only rusty rocket launcher who is licking ass onsite, but to make it a profitable buisness, you have to squeeze out every ounce of energy from the offshore team ....

There used to be some people i respect , but they all left the company ..

After recruiting freshers , the first thing you do is make them good for nothing ...
i dont know if this holds true everywhere ...
The first 6 months would be spent in EXCEL Sheets and Time sheet filling for the whole account and other value addition activiites like communication initiative !!!... and then you make him work on 12 different projects ...

The aim of this is that if you are working on 12 differenct technologies , you really know nothing of anything .. you just know something of something (HA HA , i love this statement) ...
ie, you know little bit of java, little asp, little oracle , maybe little soemthing else ..
so , if this guy wants to hunt for another job he cannot , because he has not specialized in anything ! he just knows what to do with the given work in his project . in short , he is just fit for the project he is handling ...
Now, if he thinks of learning it during the spare time ,that is during saturdays and sundays or maybe after work .. it wouldnt take much time to realize that it is impossible ... because he will be working 14-16 hours a day and on saturdays and sundays ..
maybe he will get a sunday off .. but that will be spent sleeping .. or getting all the lost sleep ...

Diwali - The festival of Noise !

Diwali should be rightly renamed as the festival of Noise , because its current description of "Festival of Light" doesnot suit it anymore...

approximately 16 hours before the real Diwali day, i , stimbi and Rayi were put into a prison (our own home) .. and there were kids , grownups, women, dogs and everyone lighting crackers .... babies were crying , bikes were falling into pot holes , debris of the crackers were hitting wind shields ...

one 16 yr old was particularly amused at "mega-bombs" or "gunds"... he was cracking them non-stop for almost 24 hours.. the only breaks he took was a 2 hour sleep (4 to 6 am) and a tiny lunch break of 15 minutes ...

The Noise was repetitive "padaaaakh..." .. and the entire building shook .... and i dont know if i am a a heart patient , but we awaited for each bomb, (interval of 2 minutes each) ... and i couldnt control my heart from jumping .. my ears being hurt and mood getting changed ...

the sad thing is that there was nothing i could do about it !! and fuck! i still remember the torture ! even after almost a month , which means ... it was really something !!

i would really want to tie up the bastard in a cracker room and set it on fire.. and his family too.. or maybe tie a maala padakkam (chain of bombs) to his wee wee and make him wait till it reaches him...!

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Sauve-moi(Save me)

I saw the movie at one international film festival in trivandrum some months back. I was attracted by the young faces in the poster and in fact took half a day leave from company to see it. And it was surely worth it.

The commentry given by imdb:
SAUVE MOI (Save Me) is a simple-but-excellent `slice-of-life' story about French-Algerians living near the Belgian border. Mehdi(Roschdy Zem), who has lived in Roubaix all his life, meets Agatha(Rona Hartner), a seemingly-carefree drifter from Romania who has wandered throughout Europe. He introduces her to his group of friends, including C├ęcile, his current lover, who befriends Agatha. The Algerians, living in a localized area, find difficulty finding even menial jobs. There is cooperation and moral support among Mehdi and his friends. It seems that this worthy film about an unpublicized ethnic minority in France has been ignored by the art film critics.

I read the commentry just before writing this blog. After reading that only i knew they were talking about French-Algerians. I was thinking that its the story of the simple people in a french city which was not that prosperous. Any way the movie was good. The actors were good.
The movie starts with the view from the moving cab , mehdi being the driver, a nice sequence with the cab moving close to the different groups and they staring at us with a strange looks on their face which lies between interest and disgust. And the view every time swings away from them. Then we see a building from a long view which gives the impression of a railway station or aerodrome. Intro our beautiful heroine, Agatha draped in a long frock dress and may be some funny coat. The buildings that we see around are neat and old. Mehdi picks her up in his cab and drops her off at a hospital where she wanted to go. There was a conversation and we get the idea that she has come here to visit a doctor whom she has worked with as a nurse, hoping for a job or something. And mehdi leaves her there only to pick her up later on the road when the doctor fails to remember even her name. In fact mehdi comes back to pick her up, searching the near by roads, until he finds her.

I liked the opening sequence very well, the understanding between open minds, being too touching. Agatha got accomodation at mehdi's friends attic, in a house with no electricity, and there are funny scenes with them trying to steal electricity from neighbouring old couple, then policemen gently reprimanding them. They had this small community, with one middle aged fellow looking like our raj kumar with tvs 50 like bike as a elder brotherly figure, a few young men and women and an old couple. And they were building a house for one of the fellows. Mehdi is having an affair with cecile who is mehdis brothers ex girl friend and now married to another fellow friend. Ceciles huband is really distressed because his boss is stealing half his salary(and his wife), and this leads to our rajkumars intervention resulting in the death of the boss, but that comes near the end of the movie. Agatha with her sprity nature easily gets into the group and we can see a lot of characters getting attached to her. There is this scene with her singing a local song, and that was good.

Agatha has plans for going to romania, and for that she needs money. Mehdi in the mean time tries out his hand in a new job, which involves helping a fellow, who was some kind of money collector. Soon mehdi gets angry with his way of extracting money from the hapless and ignorant people and quits that job. He was trying to get enough money so that Agatha (and himself) can get out of city. And near the climax we see Agatha getting money from an elderly fellow in the group and leaving for romania without Mehdi.

The youthful spirit of Agatha, is surely going to get any one who watches the movie. It inspires you. The same spirit helps her overcome the bonds of love. At one side we see her independence while on the other side we have this caring community of simple people. Perfect contrast except in the matter of love in their heart.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Depression - how to deal with it

Depression - An Emotional Turmoil

Essentially we are all helpless,
but that doesnt mean we don't show off :)

Last time i called Ram, he said he was depressed.
Depression is a disease, which we all suffer from..
Frustration comes in immediate succession to Depression.
"lashes of Depression" . .that would be a good usage... with every lash, you fall deeper into the black hole, until you react.This reaction is of mostly a violent form.

The best way to deal with depression is to do something that will make you feel humbled, awed, humiliated .. no dont feel humiliation, that will get you back to depression.

Now, feeling humbled would be extremely difficult for a LEO,
because there are rarely things that he doesnt excel in,
though sometimes synchronized acrobatics do make them
feel humbled.

Feeling AWED is the easier of the two. Its pretty simple.
Get out of your city , Get out of your work, Go back to the Nature.
Depending on personal choices, you may prefer to be lone(which i like),
or keep the company of close friends. Here is what i do..
I take out my bike and race on the ECR (The East Coast Road) ,
till i have a near death experience. The feeling is profound...
the perfect mix of being humbled and awed. The last time ,
it was raining heavily, god was flashing his torch every now
and then , cars were moving dead slow, even the rain drops that
touched my hand were hurting me.. oo, 100 kilometre per hour! a rock ... so this is essentially the point where my
depression reaches a peak of haught (a word which bala dont like).
and then suddenly, a cow which was crossing the road , stopped
abruptly , and started walking back .. EEEEKS!!! I almost hit..
the curve drops abruptly to ground zero! phew... I am still alive,
Now that is where i feel a little humbled, Repeat this a few times,
WIthin an hour or so , i am at some lonely beach , just me and the sea,
and then you can chew on your good old memories , this is when you
have an erection again... i mean you go up the curve and rest there
for sometime .. but good old memories are few and then you
(in classic eminem terms) .. snap back to reality , up there goes gravity!
oh... you are so sad.. (big secret .. you could try crying out loud too
no one is around ; but i prefer screaming and shouting at the top
of my lungs) .. aah what a satistfaction it gives ....

if you are sure of yourself, you could try some physical excercises,
which leave you exhausted.. (tried running ?)
I feel humbled when i see life around me .... such a complicated thing...
People scurrying around.. i feel humbled , when i see parents trying
to get the best for their children, i feel humbled watching even the
simplest machinery, and i am happy for my ignorance .. because i can
be humbled so easily ... i can even be humbled by a good illaichi tea:)

maybe we are too immature, but thats really a good thing , because
if we are 17 at heart , we are doing things that most 17 yr olds
cannot because ,we are really 23 and earning something , staying alone,
bachelors and a lot lot other reasons...

depression can be broadly classified as two

Class 1 : People Hater
Solution : Be Awed ... Get back to Nature ..

Class 2: General Depression
Solution : Be humbled .. Look around and see lesser life around you
(Just ignore the greater life , they mean nothing ;)

Love can be the root of some, if not all Depression, amongst us
bachelors. Now, the reason , i use Love and not Lust or Sex is because,
essentially we all are good people, and not perverted bastards. Noone
would really want to go bang bang as they show in the tripleX movies.
Watching such stuff would never make you depressed ...
The Dangerous ones are those who display DIVINE LOVE ..
"TO know someone every square inch" as bala rightly remarked ....


Friday, October 01, 2004

I remember bala saying about failure once, that let it be small or big failure is failure. I can feel it now. No matter what they say, that it was a game or you learned something from it, failure is failure and its crushing me down....

Thursday, September 23, 2004

backward growth

feeling humbled by the new surroundings. feeling timid. afraid. dependant. would like to feel pain. would like to enjoy the pleasure in gambling. would like to be a little more normal. good blogs friends. will join you soon.

Friday, September 17, 2004

truly, madly, deeply

stagnating in this incessant pool of python orgies,
vocabulary doesnt count, nor does grammar,
its only the capability to lick arse ! right after a flung dung ...
and i spoke to myself on the Phone, after pulling over at a highway ?!!!
if thats possible, i can very well create 4 real life characters,
and call them dog, zeus, ram and morpheus and live their lives too!!!!

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

sucide in easy installments

So I finally enrolled in a gym and am killing myself a few grams at

a time. The pain is continuous and never lets up at all. Just when

you think you are used to it, you go there and do just that little bit

more which makes you feel a lot more dead and leaves you a little

more alive...

Friday, September 10, 2004

Enjoying my final days in this office of mine before i shift to a new company. one year and two months. hell happy ness for a lazy fellow. a company which has been working for more than 3 years making not a penny of profit. a ship sailing towards a huge goal, with a buch of simple people and a great captain on board, none seems to beleive in the goal. the atmosphere is cozy, like a family. we even have a grandma (captains mother in law) residing in the lower floor who scolds us when we leave the lights or ac on.

Friday, September 03, 2004

Going Home

Its feel nice to step back into the shoes of the goody good mama's boy, even though its for a couple of days. Its a place , where everything is taken care of, where i sleep at 10 and wake up at 6 no matter what. For 6 months after the entrance exam, i was at home. It felt good actually. I was least concerned about the commotion going on for the Re-valuation. I actually did what i felt.. watched a lot of movies, ate a lot (whenever i felt), got myself a driving license, thought of learning C programming (ha ha), and slept .. snored ... in peace ...

Every morning .. there was breakfast ready at the table ...
Clothes were neatly arranged in tha almirah, just to be selected . (Holy! they were even ironed!).

If i had continued staying at home ... hmm lets just assume ....
I should have been teaching in some near by college about computer science .. a clean 9 to 6 job with 10k in hand ? .. some extra hacking / cracking work ... sundays off ... i dont know .. maybe i would get bored ..

is there anything we dont get bored of ? .. or is there anything i am bored of ?

There was a time, when i used to restrain myself from writing Shit , i mean , things which i felt was absolute shit ..probably because i had a concern for the reader ? (nay i didnt have any concern for the reader , even if it meant me reading it for a second time .. - refer the Lets fly like pigs .. over the green grass poem!!!) ...

But since you guys are churning out classics (ram is famous for his RESTRAINED WORDS WHICH PIERCE LIKE ROSE THORNS).. I thought of taking an alternate plan .. called
TOTAL EXPRESSION .... bala gave up his Rhyme ?!! Man, that was natural ...shouldnt have done it ....

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Counter dream

It was my first year in pre-degree. And we were learning about short
cut methods to solve work related problems and one interesting problem
involved a train encountering a slope. That night i had a dream and in
the dream i was standing near a railway track. I had this bad urge to
purge but there was a constraint. I should find the slope of the rail
and there by calculate the extra energy required from the train engine
to cover the slope and only after finding the answer i would be
allowed to purge. And in the mean while i woke up and felt the real
emergency. I had a bad case of loose motion that night.
The point is that you dream about some thing and your physical status
plays a role in it. If the ante thesis is true wild dreamers are in
deep trouble.

Sunday, August 29, 2004

My first nightmare

I must commit to the bits and bytes of faraway computers, a nightmare I had, before my own brain wipes the last vestiges of its existence in my mental hard drive.

I went to sleep last night at about 1:00 am. Not too early, not too late. There I was sleeping peacefully, seeing myself do all those incredible things I always wished I could do but never can and never will...hitting Shohaib Akthar for consecutive sixes...Overtaking Michael Schumacher on the outside...Scoring a hat-trick against Arsenal while playing for Man U...Dancing...

I usually fall asleep at this point...But yesterday was a little different...I dont know when the changeover occurred but I will try and retrace the steps I took...

I was standing on top of a hill looking into a sparsely wooded valley at the crack of dawn. It was peaceful and calm as all dawns are expected to be...even if there was any noise in the valley below it would have to be frighteningly, unnaturally loud to have made its way up to where I was standing. Despite the distance my vision was surprisingly clear I could make out the leaves at the edge of the valley with ease...a virtual real vision. Then suddenly from the eastern edge, as if born of the sun, a horde of horsemen appear charging down the valley, their hooves indistinct individually but generating a roar that felt like a waterfall. All horsemen were dressed alike in long red robes with cloaks over their heads. They carried no weapons at all but were menacing nonetheless. Suddenly in one motion they turned a wide curve and headed up a steep ravine without breaking pace. I turned in a slow circle to follow the path that lay ahead of the horsemen and it ended at my feet. In an instant I saw what it meant...They were coming for me. My death waited for me, either at the hooves of the horsemen or amidst the rocks of the valley behind me. I looked back into valley one more time and saw more horsemen flooding the valley. I turned again to face the hooves that bore upon me was almost like music to my ears. Never changing... never breaking tune...I sensed my breaths getting deeper and I was painfully aware of the low oxygen at that altitude as icy daggers stabbed my lungs.

I realised at some point through all this it can't be happenning...and that my eyes were closed. I forced them open and found myself at home and alone...I still was breathing hard and my lungs still felt cold...

I woke up today morning with a severe cold...for which there is only one plausible explanation...

Monday, August 23, 2004

A tormented feeling

I am sitting in my neat little cubicle, the master of my little universe. And I twist and turn with the dinner of many nights rolling in my guts. The one thing i would love to do now is run into a loo and take a shit but i am expected to sit here, smile beatifically like a drugged cow and write test cases.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004


I dont INVENT words , I just MISUSE them :)

Thursday, August 05, 2004


lock out this world for just this night.

i can't share this beauty,this personal sight.

a heart,bleeding and stripped off pretense,

asks to be shared, asks a lowering of defence.

share with me moments stolen from time's hands,

time held frozen in shifting sands.

time we stole from this busy world,

with reasons that must be untold.

for i don't believe, they'll ever understand,

what it means, to have upon my heart, your hand.

why words don't matter when eyes speak with love and tears,

eyes that shield me from my demons, and my fears.

eyes that look with beauty, deep.

eyes that close and put me to sleep.

wishing i could be a single breathe you take,

even if i am sent away in a soulful sigh you make.

the few moments that i linger, i'll always cherish

granted this feeling is evanescent and it'll perish.

but i can't let the world see me,they'd never understand

that when you touch me, i feel it like my own hand.

Poem by bala.




Monday, August 02, 2004

Passing comment

Q: Who is a great man.
A: A man whose love is greater than his fears.
from the movie Soul Keeper

Thursday, July 29, 2004

To Err is Divine

" To Err is Divine,
To Repeat is Human

I dont invent words, I just misuse them

Strings - Scorpions - Santana


Sunday, July 25, 2004

Abolish Me From This Blog !!!

Ever since i got my first salary , to a few weeks back , i was disoriented, hallucinated, mislead ... Put in better words ,i got myself into a destructive pattern ... But a few weeks back something magical happened ... I suddenly outgrew myself ... ofcourse its no drastic change on the outside .. but ofcourse, it something to do with " i have learnt to live with myself ! " ha !!..
I believe i am removing the "HELPLESSNESS" factor .. phew !
Prioritize on "Excercising" "Remove haught from the system" !

cut back to august 2003:
gradually i moved from one extreme to the other ... my idea was to be involved in every activity till i got bored , this way i could remove all my addictions and afflictions and be a saint.. Put in better words (bala's term) .. PRUDNAR .. Pious, religious , unsophisticated NAR.

the idea was fundamentally flawed and each affliction made me more weak, both physically and mentally. and the sad thing was , i couldnt prove myself that i had done anything OUT OF THE BOX ! it was all normal.

Then , i began to think that the reason to all pain, all misery , all sufferings is our FREE TIME, yeah, just because our life style is all so wretched that we just have to take care of a few things to live .. we dont care how food is produced, how clothes are made ,how houses are made .. how we protect ourselves bare handed ... just beacause we are fucking software professionals ...(fuck! it feels great to say FUCK after a long fucking time ! fuck again !!! fooooooooook )

yeah, its true that human civilization has advanced so far because we divided all our responsibilities .. Imagine Cave man days .. men hunt , kids play , women cook, fuck all night , save for future .. i mean that was cool , No fucking free time .. but look now, we got awfully a long free time ....if you dont have free time, then probably you are doing some work repeatedly all day long (TYPING / COUNTING / TALKING) ? .. the same work over and over again .. and then dash of to a BLACK SLEEP with no dreams and no IDEA of whether you want to wake up tommorow ?

if all of us do our own cultivation, cooking , washing , and everthing else .. there will be no fucking boredom, i think!! but then what will happen to the destitute and the poor and the weak .... ofcourse we gonna help them .. aint we ? ha ha ha ...

Friday, July 23, 2004

Fundamentally Flawed

Anita is a classic example of natural beauty ... no additives or preservatives ...
one hundred percent unaldulterated maiden of the wine yards ...
pink lips (no lipstick mind you ..), bright eyes , long hair spoilt by the
indian tradition of tying it into an unopenable knot ,a curl of hair over her face ...
slender , unquestionable build , and to top it all a smile that could make you float weightless
over the ninth cloud for atleast a couple of minutes ...
above all , she is happy with what she has .. without that Killer instinct of
competitiveness (aargh ? is that a word) , you usually associate with a 20 something software
now shobin sits beside me, while i am typing this and asks "aaraade ee anita ?" ...
"colleague" .. i say ..
should i say that she is that feminine simplicity that rippled the memories
of my first infatuation ? nay , shobin wouldnt understand.
sometimes, you wish to be unrealistic , to dream of love as they show in the movies ,
with songs and all , just the good things about love , just beauty ...
we used to spoil such thoughts with disgusting questions like "does she dig her nose?" and so,
but , now i am back to square one .. just pure dreams .. aah beauty .. classic beauty..
all my dreams are turned rose now , the color of her churidar ... nothing else .. no work,
money , religion, after-effects , causal analysis, bugzilla, kintana , dowry, ... nope nothing
maybe its the "Duur" by strings that i am hearing right now, thats making me think like this ..
but i like it anyway :) and i am gonna dream ....

Monday, July 12, 2004


Bala has started a fight club .
The first one to join was stimbi-dog.
Kesu went in for his first fight today.
i will join tommorow ..

The only rule : Dont stop until you can beat a man to death with your bare hands :)

Quote: Fight Club (1999)
"I ran. I ran until my muscles burned and my veins pumped battery acid. Then I ran some more."

Sunday, July 11, 2004


What if we didn't exist, you and I?
What if we couldn't question why?
What if we were the constructs of the eternal sleeping mind?
What if we were just shadows of the light, memoirs of the blind?
What if we were lost, running in little circles, searching for the end?
What if we were found, in the shadows, howling with the wind?
What if we were and never are?
What if we are close and yet too far?

Saturday, July 10, 2004

a little dream

life of people in the novel "the good terrorist" by doris lessing

to be a squatter in a large city. living illegally in a house whose latrine holes are concreted by government to prevent easy living for squatters. shitting in plastic buckets in the top floor. paying no rent to any body. taking bath in the urban trains' latrine. doing no work. other than being radical or slightly leftist or "being nothing - living the life to the fullest with drugs with ones eccentricities".

adaptated to suit me
to be a squatter in a large city. living illegally in a house whose latrine holes are concreted by government to prevent easy living for squatters. shitting in plastic buckets in the top floor. paying no rent to any body. taking bath in the urban trains' latrine. doing some work during day. other times spent by being social worker who is slightly leftist or "being nothing - living the life to the fullest with ones friends - ones passion - with ones eccentricities".

Saturday, June 26, 2004


True love is silent.
Victor Hugo

That makes me a virgin.

Neo's Dream : THE END

Its just around the corner , the end ....
I see all the green lights turn into orange-yellow ...
i can feel it now, the pain of my flesh burning ..
just another 18 days to go , and then its all history,
something for the next generation to ponder upon ..
would they ever know that i existed ?

why is it that i dont remember the past ?
why is it that i dont live in the present ?
why am i so obsessed with the future ?
is it because i dont have one ?

Trinity talked to me yesterday, her voice was trembling,
i have never seen her eyes so beautiful before,
maybe because she was so scared ...

i kissed goodbye to every good memory i had ...
and now its just me and the darkness ..
where i lay await, for something ,
something about which i know not ,
something which i am not supposed to know ....

if i come back, i wouldnt be the one i am now,
and so i dont want to ....
how can you enjoy something when you are immortal ? (troy)

Oracle: "I see the end coming, I see the darkness spreading"

Monday, June 21, 2004


lyrical, languid, listless love.

aimless, amiable angels above.

heavens heave, heavy hopes.

burdens borne, bridges burn.

seraphs settle, silvery sheen.

paradise provoked, pervades pristine.

.....what do they mean? what the fuck do I care?!

The return to darkness

Loved, left.

Sad, bereft.

Hoping against hope,

Buying a hangman's rope.

Borrowed thoughts, battered, used and reused.

Estranged emotions, cerebral abuse.

Random love and consequent lovers.

Fractured realties and love's leftovers.

Burning bright, love alight.

Smouldering carcasses of the night.

Wings aflight, torn in the wind,

Twirling feathers, in the wake of the fall.

Through the void you sense the bereaved kin.

Don't look back, you own the darkness, that's all.

The eternal lover, Darkness unfolds,

Draws you within, mesmerized.

In her lap, sleep for hours untold.

Numbing those nerves, long brutalized.

Lost in thoughts, while adding up noughts.

Settling accounts, while losing count.

21 gun salutes roar overhead, sweetest words remain unsaid.

Friday, June 18, 2004


Scenario: A thickly crowded bus.
Characters: Me(me) and a young female co-passenger(yfc).
Props: Two bananas wrapped in newspaper and tied with a rubber band.
Category: Fiction.

yfc is standing in front of me and we are standing very close due to the rush.

yfc(turns around): do you have two dicks.
me: no, why?
yfc: because i think you are rubbing my ass with them.
me: oh, i am sorry, but they are two bananas. its my break fast you are talking about.
yfc: sorry.
me: why?
yfc: that you have such a terrible break fast.
me: what would you have made me.
yfc: hot doshas and chatni.
me(kneels down): will you marry me.

Thursday, June 17, 2004


pivot: s/w professional, 23yrs, Chennai

situation : about to start smoking or already started,
frame fades from color to black & white throughout the entire stretch of the movie,(3.4 min)

background music: breath to heaving and later death of the smoker,

message : die for something you would die for!

co-stars: all the world watching him

in-between distractions: k's phone ringing, who is a gal with nerve disorder and is turning blind very soon ...


Ram, the last line of your BLOG was B_O~L_D !!! Loved it ! ;-)


Friday, June 11, 2004

pain speaks

hear that noise
of the chains tightening
and those voice of bondage
beckoning you to the trap
why do you complain
as you chose to be trapped

the walls are getting closer
and whats lost is precious
cheer up buddy
perversive mind speak
why do you cry
as you chose these for you

you want to look good
yeah go on and do that smile
you want to help him
and get kicked later
you know its futile
but you wont stop from the try

go on buddy
you are fucked for this life

Friday, May 28, 2004

Ignorance is bliss

When my manager blurts out to the Client, that this piece of code is a masterpiece, i turn around and laugh within , like a devil , of the joy that i know there are two bugs buried deep within that Masterpiece. He is happy too, because he trusts god,me or himself, and knows that nothing can go wrong. I wonder ... if every man-made thing is such, how haughty we are ... :)

Thursday, May 06, 2004


i see changed changed seasons and there i see new colours of pain. its as if the rain is changing the colour of your moods. but the new colours are not enticing me. and i take refuge in little joys.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004


i was sitting on the steps of this bus. i cant remember where i was going but i knew that i was alone. i saw this strange building with a strange name on it along the bus route and felt a deep urge to go there and meet the people living there. and suddenly a small group of people bursts out of this building and runs towards the bus. when they came closer i saw that they were a bunch of little children, all of them with scarred faces. all of them were still pretty. also there was a teacher guiding them who was a little old but with a face that spoke of lost beauty. among those children there was a little girl who was unreserved and started talking to me. she talked about the atrocity being done to them by the authorities. they were being taken to a place far away to practice tennis. they would like to play tennis in their own small ground. i sympathized with them and cursed the authorities. The teacher also joined me.
this was a dream and will remain a dream.

Thursday, April 01, 2004


Here I stand fraught with thoughts.
Thoughts that always add up to naughts.
Thoughts so fine.
Thoughts so not mine.
How can I write something divine?

Minutes and hours blurred in dimension.
Words and images rage without cohesion.
I need a rope to tie them down.
My confusion, I must drown.
Weighed down to the depth of the conscious.
Till the undercurrents of memory, stirs obnoxious.
Driftwood decayed and dying.
Creativity crippled and crying.

A flicker of something new
In the froth that my brain spewed.
Hidden by the stolen visions
Of genii of a higher division.
Applause for these ramblings I get.
Their sheer unoriginality I regret.

No one will forgive and every one will forget.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

I saw some Movies

I saw some movies .. Movies, which i dare to call MOVIES .. after a long long time of DUMB SHIT TV !
They are

1) American History X .
2) American Psycho
3) Jacobs Ladder
4) Good Fellas

I dont think i would be able to do any justice to these by writing a Review on them. Experience it yourself

Saturday, March 13, 2004

i need to talk and there is no one around.
it looks like i am the last man in the world.
where are you my friend.

emotional promiscuity

deep pain and my mind was sobbing
until i saw the happy people
and then i was happy once again
i was overwhelmed by it
until i saw the unlucky ones
and i was unhappy once again

Monday, March 08, 2004

Surreal Dreams

- On behalf of BALA


i was inside the smallest atm in the world......i walked in with fever and cold and i inserted my card inside th machine(which was placed surprisingly low on the floor) with the cover on.......then the machine went bonkers and it opened up raining 500 rupee notes which i collected and rushed to my room.....i fell asleep and i woke up to find my cousin in the bed next to mine...he was nevr supposed to be there...i actually searched my room for the money when i woke up...


i was in some remote town in USof A where a local doctor offered me a head transplant to get rid of a painful recurring headache....


In the making ...


Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Just look at what you have done to yourself?!

Aargh! .. Yuk ! .. shit ..
Just look at what you have done to yourself ....
You are in a pretty bad shape ... aint ya ? ...
You laugh on the outside ..
but you are bleeding inside ...
You know that the end is near ...

The seven arrows on your chest,
only drives you more to live life more ...
what the hell do we need ?
what do we enjoy ? .. really ...
is everything sour once you have it ?
creep up in the dark , in ftv-ville ...
ponder over the stars .. and dream like anything ...
will it be back again ? will we drive back ?
or will we drive forth for something untasted ?

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Ambition 135

an exhilarating experience ...
love oneself, the peak of selfishness ...
forget the world ... and live for yourself ..
expect my hunt for death to begin this friday!!! en-route PONDY ..
the curse of a netizen gal , who says that her mom agreed that she marry me ..
what the fuck ?! we even havent met ......
gosh ... why are we all so big geniuses ? .. ram ? .. bala and me ? ...
someday soon .. its all gonna end ..
but before that .. lets believe..
"its all for ever"


Saturday, February 14, 2004

i am bursting inside. i can't live like this. i thought i will live with myself. and god i am so boring.

man with no words

she sounded gay
and talked to me in her own way
like the same child
who used to be my dear friend
I could recognize those words
though scripted in long forgotten tones
and when i thought of talking
she went totally cold
for i talked no sense
and in an alien tongue
tender feelings being crushed
i felt the pain again

got no meaning

The jester kept on mumbling
that he was falling
But the wise guys aint listening
for they knew he was joking
The jester's got a loose tongue
They would have cried
Had they got more time
For a crying jester.

Friday, January 30, 2004


Truth... I tried hiding from it.
But it to no avail.
It stood revealed.
Invading every molehill I dug.
Pervading every prison I built for my self.

Truth....I tried hiding it.
Locked in my mind.
Sealed by my lips.
It raged iniside with demonic calm.
And I finally realised that it was I who was raging.

Truth...I ate it down.
Swallowed like a bitter pill.
Truth that survived the bowels of hell,
withstood my flimsy test as well.
Truth, out it came, indigestible and worse that before.

Now I am stained by it. Forever. It is the smell if there is such a thing...

Wednesday, January 28, 2004


Immediate Haught,
'cause of the worst stomach any man can ever have!,
'cause of the need for EMOTIONAL distress, after 12 hours of COPY/PASTE,
'that which drives me to browse from 11pm to 12am...

Haught is everything i ever wanted ... Haste ! of an unchaste mind,
of moving frames that freeze once in a while .. just for style ...

Saturday, January 17, 2004

once again

really glad to hear nihas talking about movies again. i got your mail but couldnt reply because our net connection is slow and yahoo is off most of the time here. so i thought of using blogger. bala told me that your meeting in chennai was really charming. so neo keep up the mood and get the screen play ready.

Friday, January 16, 2004

RAM is back!

" And on more thought i think order is middle class. And then i should be middle class. "
-- Guys rejoice ! Ram is back!

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

The simplest of all three

Am a hypocrite .. True ...

Whilst you two make this blog the best of all with your originals,
I am back to my same old track ...

I am now thinking of a commercial film ... Adaptation of "Bringing out the dead", "Dil Chahta Hein" and many others .. dont know why ... why the fuck am i thinking of a commercial copy-cat film ..

There are two characters that i identified ...
1) Nicholas cage .. the medico ..
2) Saif Ali khan ... The guy who works at Call center at night .. a hyper active guy.

but i need a third guy .. which i cant think of .. his job should be in the night ..
saif is the exact opposite of cage .. he thinks of girl friends as credit cards ...

crazy am i .. ???? or am i a haughty bastard ?? but this blog does require some shit work from me ... because if you guys keep writing ULTRA COOL and kidilam stuff ... we will soon forget what a shitty blog is!

ideally .. a one and half hour digital film .. budget 1 lakh ...

Saturday, January 10, 2004


My little feeling on disorder as expressed by system of a down......and yes i know that i would die if i dont know what comes next.......hypocrisy is my middle name..

Conversion, software version 7.0,
Looking at life through the eyes of a tire hub,
Eating seeds as a past time activity,
The toxicity of our city, of our city,

New, what do you own the world?
How do you own disorder, disorder,
Now, somewhere between the sacred silence,
Sacred silence and sleep,
Somewhere, between the sacred silence and sleep,
Disorder, disorder, disorder.

More wood for their fires, loud neighbors,
Flashlight reveries caught in the headlights of a truck,
Eating seeds as a past time activity,
The toxicity of our city, of our city,

New, what do you own the world?
How do you own disorder, disorder,
Now, somewhere between the sacred silence,
Sacred silence and sleep,
Somewhere, between the sacred silence and sleep,
Disorder, disorder, disorder.

New, what do you own the world?
How do you own disorder, disorder,
Now, somewhere between the sacred silence,
Sacred silence and sleep,
Somewhere, between the sacred silence and sleep,
Disorder, disorder, disorder.

When I became the sun,
I shone life into the man's hearts,
When I became the sun,
I shone life into the man's hearts."

so much for recycle philosophy and page filling exercises.....

should there be order

I am being pulled back to routines. I do feel it but i am tired to fight. Yesterday afternoon while having lunch with my colleagues i just blurted out that order is boring. I talked about the monotone feeling of things in order. After saying all that i thought deeper. I tried to figure out whether i live my life in order. And damn i do. I talk something and i do something else. I thought of breaking them. But i dont think i can do it. I cant argue with myself for disorder. or should i.
And on more thought i think order is middle class. And then i should be middle class.