Fatherland

This dense land calms me

with its long narrow walking lanes,

hard soil with coarse trees

and the feel of my father’s steps

In that plot on my right I could see

joys of communal farming, places

where toddy fell on the ground and

the little smiles around that patch

I forget the harsh sounds that

echo in my years of my father’s name

being called by kids half his age

stripped naked without a respectful tail

I forget the mounts that my mother climbed

and insults she took while hungry and tired

with me in her belly and mind

and her futile dreams of happiness and light

And I measure each sound here, each breath

in this land, study the dead bodies and

the live ones. To learn the secret of the beasts

who raped this paradise of warmth

Summer

a blob of butter in a saucer

a cube of ice in a glass

a bunch of flowers

and a small heart

rays of sun through the shadows

air, with dust and pollen

small beats from the childrens' feet

all together and he kept vigil

butter was softer, ice was not there

flowers withered with petals hanging

reds were forgone and ash was in

the icy heart alone defied the summer

inaccuracies in nostalgic images and heartburn caused by it

what was the number on that door
was the number on the door or above it
was the paint grey or green
was there paint
did it smell like urine or fresh soil when it rained

was i in the room or in the corridor
was the room bolted
was it silent
was it lonely or over crowded
was i good at the game i played and did i clear the final level

The attack

S1 : The wind gained speed as he ran like a dog on a fiery chase. The ground was dark and firm, there were no obstacles to be seen for miles, or so he thought. It shook him when the wooden barrier hit him in the face. It's dark colour had deceived him. When he emerged from the other side he felt the small pieces flying in the air around him, but he did not stop. The log house was not too far now. His hands slowly felt for his sword.

​

S2 : She loosened her grip on the rope. While slithering down slowly she sharpened her senses, dulled her memory and felt the heat in her palms. Her sword did not feel heavy now. The log house was in sight even though the air was foggy. She felt the ground and saw the three guards at the same time. They were motionless but she could feel their alertness.

​

S3 : He saw the house, the guards and her in that order. The guards spotted him before they had a chance to see her. She ran up the now unguarded staircase. The dust under her​ footsteps didn't fly up nor the the vibrations leave the planks as she hit them.

Old Garden

Revolutions are mostly filled with stories of pain. The movie starts with Oh coming out of Jail after 20 years and trying to pick up his broken life with his family. He was imprisoned for his role in Gwangju revolt. His lover and the mother of his kid has died while he was in jail of cancer. Her daughter is living somewhere unaware of her father. He tries to retrace the parts of his life which he spent with Han and we are thrown back and forth between present and past and sometimes into a sweetly drawn dream world in Yuans mind.
Do the stories about communist revolutions across the world have similar structure? That was the question on my mind while watching "The Old Garden". At the end i felt this one was told in a much better way than many others. I was painfully ignorant about the communist movement in South Korea and that prevented me from properly understanding the mindset of these revolutionaries. But some faces from the movie left deep impressions on my mind.
The first one would be the protaganist, Oh the young revolutionary who greeted dissuaders who cared about him with a sweet smile. He hid a very strong mind which took the harshest decisions and carried them out behind a deceptive handsome face. Strong conviction in ones ideals, fearlessness and comraderie are typical traits of revolutionary heroes. But the way he would react to the recurring thoughts about the oppression of the state and the cruelty it has perpetrated on his comrades and innocent people was not at all a stereotype. The rage came out as tears.
Then the girl who gave him shelter and protection when he was in hiding, Han who became his lover. She was herself a revolutionary. Her comments when Oh leaves sums up the stereotype female companion of revolutionary heroes, "I fed you, i gave you shelter, i even let you fuck me, why are you leaving?" But above that she was a cool character. She was a revolutionary who was fiercely independent and very feminine. At some point in the movie the story is told from Han's perspective. We could see her mocking at the current state of the revolution and the revolutionaries.
The character which was most memorable was the female comrade who immolated herself while protesting against the factory authorities. The picture of her standing at the factory gate with leaflets and persuading other employees to join the protest and then standing firm when the police tries water cannon to disperse them is still clear in my mind. And later her cries just before she set herself on fire protesting the injustice in firing her. Somehow her voice conveyed the defiance in her, along with her feelings of helplessness.

movie house and a girlfriend named Athena

From across the movie hall was a tiny tea place with a stained samovar, lot of steam and open basket of snacks. As we drank from the cups there i eyed the slowly growing line at the hall entrance. With time i have perfected the entry time to these films. Not too early and look stupid, and not too late to miss any chance of watching the movie. Athena gave me a mild nudge with her elbows. Sign that i was silent for too long. Her friends were talking about the politics of abortion. I won't be forced to give an opinion that i don't have.

After finishing the cups we slowly walked to the hall. The white stairs that lead up were stained from years of abuse and poor maintenance. But the hall was in great condition. Every time i saw the entrance to the hall i remembered the puppet lions that danced on these screens, a scene from the first foreign film i saw here. This was Athena's first trip to this place. But she lead the way with a sense of familiarity.

As we pushed the door into the hall the large screen greeted us with a friendly authority. I felt its impatient gaze till we found a nice row to settle down. Soon it was dark around us with beams of light drawing pictures on the screen. Sounds broke into the air at rare intervals. I was engrossed in the movie that i forgot about Athena and her friends for some time. As the movie progressed the light beams painted more darkness on the screen. A piercing scream of agony with dark blood on the screen brought me back to my seat. I searched for Athena's hand to comfort her. I couldn't find it. Her seat was empty and so was the next. I was sitting in a row of empty chairs. My heart raced to a higher speed. I saw a human form near the exit. I ran behind it.

I was out in the deserted street which ran downhill towards a bunch of well lit houses. The girl who ran ahead of me has stopped now in the middle of the road. I was in two minds about approaching her when she turned around and beckoned me. I could see her face now. I asked her about Athena. She had no clue. She said she was lost and that she forgot the way to her place. She asked if i could help her find it. The movie reels were still rolling in my mind. I slowly walked back to the hall leaving her on the road. My shadow was almost invisible as i walked towards my seat. And i barely made a sound as i settled down. The light beams were still at work.

- From a dream.

Inviting death

The mat that held me was held up in the air by 4 people. It was gliding through a narrow street which sloped down towards Ganga. When we reached the ghats they kept the mat down on the veranda of a small building. I remembered this place. Not long before i had come here with my friends. We were staring at the dead bodies, some burning and some waiting to be burned. A person who called himself the keeper of the eternal fire had shown us that fire. While my friend was trying to sneak a picture of the ghat which was a camera free zone i was eying the narrow, cozy lane that goes back to the town. Piles of dry wood were stacked everywhere. There was a corpse at the exact same place that i was lying now.

Will writing about death invite it? Was thinking about this little thing i wrote sometime last year, when I had a brush with death in December.

Wish

I remember the woman who would look both ways
before she crossed the road, with animated scenes
of her own death being played in her perepheral vision

I wish i had those visions, of gory death, crushed
by a moving bus, or through derailment of a train,
add a bit of blood, or a lot of it, oozing from my flesh

I wish i could see, me cutting up myself to pieces,
driving nails through my bones, with a nice steel hammer,
that i could listen to my last hoarse breaths of life, in idle moments

I could use them over all these crazy images, that i
conjure from thin fucking nothings, which then haunt me
for minutes, hours and days, until a new one takes its place

Fear

The ridge was so narrow that he feared for his life every time he took a step forward. He feared that the thorny branches will tear up his skin when he walked forward. He feared that he will break the delicate glassware that were kept on the stools which lined the muddy path. And he slipped and fell into the abyss. He picked the thorns and saw blood dripping from his flesh. Red colour added to the mud when he stepped on the broken glass. He went for a mad rush. He feared that he will never reach the end of the path. He slipped again.

commute

1
Air was mildly chilly and it coupled with a feeling of death made my body ice cold. The mild perfume from the girl sitting next to me couldn't add a tiny bit of life to it. But then a swift wind germinated a tear in my left eye. It slowly collected the bits of sorrows that were scattered in my mind and grew large enough to drop down to my lap. The body shuddered as warmth returned to it.

2
I sniffed at the air, what was that smell, was it a psychoactive drug?, my eyes were hit by the red neon lights, my head rocked from side to side from the broken road, is this air drugged?, the bumps were hitting my head again, I remembered the unmatched giant breasts of a dead woman on the screen, I told her not to lift her top again, can i have some more of the hallucinogenic drug?, the green and red lights hit the eyes again, the piercing voice in my ear is changing speed, direction, techno beats, when did i start liking them, I saw the hot woman in red sari swinging her head in wild abandon, I am getting out of the trance, give me another dose.

Reels

D1 :
cupid comes in the form of a cavalcade of trailers. g is left behind in the company of lone monkey
in the middle of the road.
g : wait guys, wait for me.
lone_monkey : hey g, it doesnt kill to spend some time with me.
g : dont stare at me, it creeps me out.
lone_monkey : can't control it.
g : lunges forward, to the small gap in the cavalcade. gets carried to D2.

l_from_D2 : l, you fuck up, what did you do to get her crazy.

D2 :
cupid comes in the form of a unbalanced feet. g loses her balance while jumping over the divider in the road,
loses her glasses. The glasses were shattered.
lone_monkey : hey g, can you see without them.
g : barely, i can see your shape only.
l : come hold my hand.
g_from_D1 emerges from between the trailers.
g_from_D1 : g, dont take his hand, hes a creep. hes a hopeless fucked up guy.
g : why do you say that.
helps her safely to the next side.
g : thanks l.
l jumps drags g_from_D1 and jumps back to D1.


D3 :
cupid is not seen and l is waiting for him. g is getting impatient waiting to cross the road.
l : hey g, do you see me.
g : doesnt hear l.
l shakes g holding her sholders.
l : i am here, in flesh and blood. cant you see me.

PS : Blogger took me here through a button called New Post. But this is an (very)old post. Don't tell him :)

a passing phase (old post)

his eyes were locked on a pair of breasts
his heart thought about love
and his mouth blabbered on to avoid the vaccum
his legs tapped to a stupid tune

thoughts crawled his mushy brain
like slithering snakes, venomless
as in useless, and he thought he would go mad
if the breasts didn't stare back at him

low

Its never good when you start seeing twitter buddy on gtalk as your closest friend.

#1 I keep telling you how much of an idiot i am, but when you say it why do i call it cruel.
#2 Sometimes i love this so much, when self loathing is at its nastiest and all the world around looks like a rose garden.

back to the classroom

The bunch walked noisily towards the gate of the school. They have all resigned their jobs and have went back to their high school class as students. I remembered the old days that we were now trying to reenact. One fond memory is about walking down the road from school to tuition center during the monsoons. The roads had large potholes and we would splash the muddy water till everyone is wet.

The clock has just struck 10 and the three others in the group dashed to the classroom. I couldn't understand what the fuss was about and maintained my usual speed. As soon as my friends disappeared into the main corridor the headmistress appeared at the lobby entrance. Oops, no time to hide, i am caught. She came close to me and lifted her right hand.

"You wanna go back or?"

I silently turn my face to the right. All of her hand falls on my cheek and there is a tingling feeling followed by one of numbness. I walk on to my class room. The corridor is very windy as its other end opens to the sea. As I reach my class I take a peek inside through the window. The class room has changed a lot in the years. The wooden benches and desks have been replaced by metal benches with sloping back rests. I feel the eyes of 80 students on my face as i enter the class and feel a bit self concious. The teacher is standing at one side with a remote and the black board has been replaced by a large movie screen. A Tsai Ming-liang movie is playing on the screen. I find a seat in the first row of benches.

loony

Please let me be sad
I cried, with real tears,
But the mind is so heart less

He waved it down, with a single motion
You ain't gonna die today, why cry
Laugh you lonely fellow,
you ain't gonna die today

I took out my case, with all the args and angsts
i spread them out, i reasoned
i pleaded, how do you know, how can you be so cruel
they don't even laugh at me now
they ignore me or call me trivial

Laugh you loony, look at yourself
and laugh your guts out
You ain't gonna die today

I feel a steel flask in the back of my neck
I feel that what fills it is happiness
Its been leaking these days and vacuum is pushing it in
I cant take the pain you asshole, let me be sad
What if it breaks and kills my brain, what about that

I smiled at first, then i laughed
I was roaring in minutes, my body was shivering
I knew i was not gonna die today, why cry

In the mood for love

He remembers those vanished years. As though looking through a dusty window pane, the past is something he could see, but not touch. And everything he sees is blurred and indistinct. The ending lines from the movie. Will affect you more if you watch it. Simple stuff right, but something he could see not touch, its painful.

A nice sunday evening, i sat down to see the second half of the movie. I had made some tea for the occasion, and it was made to match the movie style, less amount of distractions like sugar and milk, more tea. The director sometimes was using shots through translucent glasses, i made my own by fogging my spectacles with vapors from my tea. And then comes that haunting music where they start moving in a strange slow motion, going through motions repeated in the movie, she climbing up those nice stairs from the local noodle shop, he with his cigarette with that sweet and sad expression on his face. There was love and there was pain.

The first half made me happy with the intimate shots of the characters, you see some of them, you hear some, you feel the rest, and you are in there, not somewhere far away. You feel the warmth that these nice families extend to strange people living with them. You love it. Later you hate it.

down by law

Venue : Collective Chaos
Movie : Down by law (Jim Jarmusch)
The theatre was really funny, a small hall with foldable(but good) chairs kept at different levels. Dark, and a little scary :). The movies are projected by a dvd projecter on a small screen, pretty neat setup. Later my friend(bd the movie buff) told me about the first time he came there, when they without realizing got in through the wrong entrance and were met with a big crowd. Guys and girls who couldnt find seats were lying down on the front part, the gap between the gallery and the screen and enjoying the movie, and they joined them. Exactly matching a dream of mine. That dream was much more cooler, with all the people lying down and watching the movies whole day, one after the other.
The movie started off with dark scenes (and it was b&w), and i was kinda getting an impression that its going to be a serious movie. Two of the protogonists(Jack and zack) were having bad luck, as in they had nasty friends. Both lands in jail. From here onwards, there were some lighter moments and lots of people were laughing behind me. I was thinking all the time, hey this is a serious movie, what will the director say if they found you laughing at such small things. It all changed when roberto benigni came into the same cell shared by our heroes. Both the guys kept staring at benigni, and benigni was fidgeting uncomfortable under the stare attack, and nowhere else to go. At one point, he dramatically takes out his notebook and with his italian accent says " If looks could kill i would be dead". The whole bunch of us lost our control, and from that point i realized, we are watching a nice comedy and not a serious movie :). Dim wit that i am.
The movie was very funny and nice, particularly after that. They wander around in a swampy area, which looked great in b&w. Also worth remembering was the woman who worked with Jack(incidentaly a pimp) in b&w, pretty and pretty much nude :).

bad lines

lone_monkey : Hey, don't you think the mayflowers in bangalore are redder than mayflowers in other parts of the world.
prospective_female_company : Blinks(what the fuck).

lone_monkey : Hey, your tooth is twisted, why don't you put braces.
prospective_female_company : I am fine the way i am(How dare you).

She was pretty despite that twisted tooth :).

da new day

da declaration
(friday : in the bus, me rambling incessantly without any support from roomie)
me: monday is a new day, from monday onwards, i am going to be more orderly, me will reach office every day before 9. Will work properly.
roomie: hmmm.
me: no buddy, its going to be new, brand new.
roomie: hmmm.

da oracle
(sunday : evening in the bus, mama calls)
mama: did you lose your mobile, i rang up a while before and someone else picked up.
me: no, i had it all the time.
mama: may be i dialed the wrong number.

da preparation
(sunday: night, preparations for monday, i set alarm in mobile for 7, and two reminders at 7:05 and 7:30)
me: foolproof.

da new day
(monday: morning 7:30)
me: what happened to my alarms. roomie, did you switch it off, roomie, give me my cell.
roomie: brrr.
me: roomie, where did you hide my purse.
roomie: brrr.
me: roomie, roomie, roomie.
roomie(the tank with 6 pegs inside, not a morning person): brrr.
me: where's your mobile, let me ping mine.
roomie(jumps up): i don't see it.
( roomie runs around the room searching for something).
roomie: good yaar, they got my purse but they didn't steal my cigarettes.
roomie: hey even my matches are safe.
me: i know, even if they took it, i know you have hidden reserves :). hey good thing that you didn't lock the door yesterday.
roomie: shit.
me: new day indeed :).

ps: thanks to robbers for not stealing my pc and my movie dvds(in which case i would have hunted you down and crushed your balls), thanks to the kind neighbor's who lend us money to get to the office.

petty bullshit :)

so much light around,
i was searching for darkness
i knew at the bottom, who didnt
but i couldnt find it, the light is dazzling me

my friends told me, they cant see a thing
they saw omens, they heard voices
i smiled and couldnt believe it
my heart wept when i smiled

do i deserve this light of ignorance
i know i wont pay for it
but i feel guilty to enjoy this happiness
my head droop in shame, indulgent in petty bullshit