Sunday, September 28, 2003
I am decaying....vegetating......I have had enough.
here are some random movie quotes to keep up the old fires of memories burning......
The film is 'Seven' by David Fincher....The scene is the climactic car drive into the distribution grid where kevin spacey, brad pitt and morgan freeman have the showdown..
We're not just going to pick up two more
bodies, are we, Johnny? That wouldn't
be... shocking enough. Wouldn't keep you
on the front page of the newspapers.
Wanting people to pay attention, you can't
just tap them on the shoulder. You have to
hit them in the head with a sledgehammer.
Then, you have their strict attention.
The film is 'Pulp fiction' by Queinten Tarantino....The scene is the finale of the opening sequence involving John Travolta and Samuel L Jackson...
There's a passage I got memorized,
seems appropriate for this
situation: Ezekiel 25:17. "The path
of the righteous man is beset on
all sides by the inequities of the
selfish and the tyranny of evil
men. Blessed is he who, in the
name of charity and good will,
shepherds the weak through the
valley of darkness, for he is truly
his brother's keeper and the finder
of lost children. And I will
strike down upon thee with great
vengeance and furious anger those
who attempt to poison and destroy
my brothers. And you will know my
name is the Lord when I lay my
vengeance upon you."
The two men EMPTY their guns at the same time on the sitting
The film is 'Terminator 2'...the scene is the one before arnie, linda hamilton, john connor and the computer geek go to blow up skynet...
Pavement rushing at us, lit by headlights. Beyond, darkness.
The future, always so clear to me, has become
like a black highway at night. We were in
uncharted territory now... making up history
as we went along.
Thursday, September 25, 2003
Monday, September 22, 2003
so i record the impressive momnets of my day....hoping some greater genius would do justice to my story.
I walked into the station for the 83rd day in mumbai. I am a ghost now. People walk through me....talk through me and suddenly I assume form.....physical and tangible....and now i strike people...who brush me off them like a germ. The vague looks i get worries me so i look about me....normal enough...
A gleaming machine with gaudy lights draws me like a flame to a moth...before i know i am slotting a coin and out rolls a card with my weight on it, courtesy of the 'eastern scales and weights'....I have lost 10 kilos.....I feel even lighter now...the screaming interstate train that thunders past the platform threatens to physically suck me into its vortex...I hold on to the machine.....
I turn the card to find a prediction on it for me...
If you are a woman, you are beautiful, honest and a loyal wife.Your lucky number is 2.
Till then i thought that i was in the wrong lane profession wise...now maybe i am in the wrong lane gender wise as well......
Saturday, September 13, 2003
And I lie down on it
I dont read the inscription
For I dont have the heart
Its the grave yard
And I sleep here
Across the corner there is another stone
With my name on it
but I dont care
And sometimes like the old days
Roses bloom and I start crying
or should I laugh
Every night I dream about the dead
And I wake up with a warm heart
And then I see those graves
And I am as cold as ever
Friday, September 12, 2003
Words , Just Random words and Nothing More
Scared , Juxtapose, Sacred,
Freedom, Fly, Lie, Fear,
Horror, Belief, Sigh, Cry,
Nuisance, Nonsense, Culmination,
Salvation, Break-point, Torture,
Desire, Harm, Hatred, Priority,
Friends, Signature, Life, Belief
Creature, Creation, Crumble,
Frustration, Ugly, Sex, Talk,
Breathe , Suicide, Consume,
Sacrifice, Left, Over, Missed,
Meaning ? Amen!!
Thursday, September 11, 2003
It is a lonely beach. I am walking between the sands and the water. I see her. She steps out of the water like a mermaid or something....She is wearing only a teeny tiny bikini...red with white stripes like some sexy colgate gel ad....she smiles at me as she catwalks up to me.....I am transfixed by the sight.....She tells me that she will set me free....I ask if it is going to be.....
Yes she says It will be me....
Without being bidden I kneel with my back to her......I hear the metallic clank of a bullet rolling out of a magazine and into the chamber of a pistol.....I will never know where she hid the gun.......She puts the shining barrel to the side of my head.....lets me feel the weight and texture for a brief moment.......
She pulls the trigger.
In extreme slow motion.....the barrel moves over once ejecting the empty cartridge and remaining gun powder smoke.....the bullet has already entered the sand by my side.......as the hair...skin...bone...and brain tissue rush to fill in the void left in the bullet's wake....consciousness and life follows it......I fall over unceremoniously...in a posture that I could never have naturally maintained during life...maybe that is why death is so different....
She kicks me around....looks at the bloody mess of what used to be my face.....She sits upon my stomach...under any other time it might have been that sexy thing to do...
She places the gun squarely upon my chest and whispers a sweet goodbye and shatters my caged heart which stopped beating a long while ago......With a single tear to decorate her face, she walks back into the sea....
I am gone.
It is a hot afternoon. I ride my powerful V-twin cruiser down the open freeways of whatever. Push the throttle and lose the distances...between now and forever....
I must have driven for an hour...or maybe a day...it doesn't matter...what does however is what is about to follow....
I approach a turn and suddenly there are screaming brakes and gunfire from behind...before I can turn a bullet rips my right mirror to shreds, which liberally tear through my sleeves as they make an exit.
I know what needs to be done and how...so even before the thought process has begun, I give the ape hadlebars a mighty shake and leap off the bike.....Spinning through the air....in bullet time.....I turn to face the onrushing bullets and wheels...simultaneously I draw out two sub-machine guns and open fire even as my cruiser skids below me, throwing mighty sparks at me...
I, poised between death and life, rain molten lead upon my unseen enemies.....I kill them before I hit the ground. Then it happens.....denim...cotton....skin....flesh....bone each layer scraped and pared as in prepartion for the departure.....pain begins and reaches the very height and before the body can react the threshold is crossed and there is only peace.
With every other broken bone, I gain more perspective....
With every fresh laceration, I am reminded that I need to go on a little more...
I remember everyone who meant anything to me......I hope they understand.....
I close my eyes.
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
lock out this world for just this night.
i can't share this beauty,this personal sight.
a heart,bleeding and stripped off pretense,
asks to be shared, asks a lowering of defence.
share with me moments stolen from time's hands,
time held frozen in shifting sands.
time we stole from this busy world,
with reasons that must be untold.
for i don't believe, they'll ever understand,
what it means, to have upon my heart, your hand.
why words don't matter when eyes speak with love and tears,
eyes that shield me from my demons, and my fears.
eyes that look with beauty, deep.
eyes that close and put me to sleep.
wishing i could be a single breathe you take,
even if i am sent away in a soulful sigh you make.
the few moments that i linger, i'll always cherish
granted this feeling is evanescent and it'll perish.
but i can't let the world see me,they'd never understand
that when you touch me, i feel it like my own hand.
Poem by Bala.
Friday, September 05, 2003
Who once walked with eyes to the sky,
now came home, held shoulder high.
eyes, once bright, perhaps,
now are closed and clasped.
death had borne this girl away
into the night of the dying day.
I watch as people file,
in a single line with plastic smiles.
looking ghastly in forced grief,
They steal else's sorrow like lowly thieves.
And it is done with just intent,
to help grieving eyes, till they relent,
with torrents of tears & trembling drops
washing over the pale and pallid corpse.
what dreams those closed eyes held,who's to know?
What secrets lie buried behind her brow?
people who barely knew her for hours,
cry their tears over funeral flowers.
"I'll miss her" between tears they claim,
of a girl who in death has become more than a name.
my thoughts unvoiced doesn't care
for their need to share,
the grief that only the truly loved can feel.
tears, in vain, they try to steal.
please leave them alone,
in memory of what death had borne.
tear away your mask of pretense,
your grief, its artifice is its offence.
Poem By Bala.
Thursday, September 04, 2003
and her eyes lit up
with her tiny hand she started digging
until sweat rolled on to her brows
she was alone in the junk yard
and she never knew about god
slowly she sat down in the shit
with her vacant eyes she poked the sky
she started feeling the chill of the night
and she embraced herself for some heat
she had no strings attached to her
she was free in this world