Monday, April 28, 2003

sacrifice

Sacrifice

everyone wishes to sacrifice,,,,
to find a meaning for his/her life...
because there is a joy in sacrifice..
a joy to know that you are destroying yourself
to save somebody else ....
everybody wishes to feel great in his minds court..
there he is alone... and he is not haughty...
he is his plain simple self... and wants just one thing
a reason for living... a reason for his existence..
some find it in the form of love....
some find it as money...
some pledge themselves to their families...
some drown in drugs..
some just fold unto themselves and shut the world out...
some just keep on writing something like this...
ultimately.. its all a quest ... an attempt.. to understand..
the the meaning of life.....
by neo

Yesterday's Dream.

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* The Recollection of Yesterday's Dream (May 19 ) as Truly as Possible.
* MEGA SERIAL !

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14 July , 2010 .
Trivandrum.



I was driving home a little early that day , 7 pm . Like every other husband of my age , i too was thinking of , about my beautiful wife who would be at the door , waiting for me ... its nice to dream , even though you know its not going to happen and the scenes on the road were not going to wake me up. The drive was fairly occupying , even with a pretty new car , music and chilling air condition . The road before me presented the same old scenes , which once used to thrill me , when i used to cruise at break neck speeds on my Pulsar ; The busying officers , managing their cell phones and steering in all haught , and their occasional bruises with the autorickshaws , that little beggar who would jump in front of the mercedes and look bedazzled at the neon lamp of the car or the screeching brakes , the pot holes and the frog families that breeded therein , the ordinary working women , who were waiting for their beloved ones' scooters ......
I pulled over at the garage. This colony , called "Paradise", was the most sought after one in the whole city. There were all kinds of people here, engineers, doctors, TV artists , politicians , and the best among the most influentials . ( Thinking , how i got in there ? ). Like most colonies here , you are not supposed to know , even your immediate neighbour. If anybody has any account on who lives where , it would be the laundry man , or the Asianet Cable Connection guy. Many couldnt really afford living here , but for that "status" sake , they were ready to do away with a day's meal to be a part of " PARADISE COLONY ". Such was its name.
On the doorway , there was perfect silence , another aspect of this colony , nothing goes out/in unless you wish. Thats why politicians prefer this place. I rang the door bell , a brown eye looked up ...
" nay! it wasnt her ... "
The maid opened the door . I proceeded silently to my room. She came up and said " saar , the food is on the table , i am leaving " as always.

I laid on the bed and closed my eyes. I dont know how long. I woke up and reached out for the remote and pressed 1. There she was ... on the stage , that same smile on her face , when i had first seen her. She is moving towards the center of the stage to receive some award. She bows to get the blessings of the renowned singer. she is wearing a black saree and the diamonds on her neck are glittering . she moves up to the podium and says ... " Thanks ... " . camera turns around to show hundreds of her fans screaming and shouting at the farther end of the stage , back at the nearer end ,there are those distinguished guests of the glamour industry, who are just smiling and clapping their hands.
" thanks once again , for the trust you have had in me,... without you all , i wouldnt be here ... " . As always , she never spoke too much , just enough, to stir that curiosity , admiration , or whatever in the onlooker. She proceeds to take her seat at the front row, beside her male counterpart. While , they are exchanging pleasantries , the camera flashes never seem to stop. Nobody would say she is a mother , or even 29. what ? ,,, must be just 19. she always took pains to hide her age ,be it the special excersices in the wee hours of the morning or that sour cocktails of all vegetables. The results are visible , in her form, her grace and elegance .
She was a natural winner , wherever she went , whatever she did. Showbiz was only a natural extension of her immense dancing and acting capabilities. She never seemed to get tired of rehearsing and re-rehearsing . She was a perfectionist , not only in stage appearances , but in all walks of life . She held a position beside the rank holder in academics , she had friends among all circles , she was this one pleasing characters , whom everyone wished to be with. Yet , she was never haughty . She loved children and was always a listener , she had this inborn talent to bring smiles upon the onlookers. She was the finest being of the opposite sex, i had ever met in my life. And thats why i fell in love with her when i was 20. I never expected her to be my life partner. But it all happened as a part of what we call destiny. Only that it was a little humorous this time.
I still dont know what she found , interesting , in me , that she said " yes " to me. Often , i used to think, our amount of acquaintance was too little to be judged deep love, or a life long commitment. But , yet , when the time came , we had each other for support. She has been a really good wife. She has never tried to impose anything on me , rather , we were able to give each other , comfortable spaces . Often , she would behave more maturely than me , at times of distress , particulary associated with living an independant life and defying parents . She and I have been able to understand each other perfectly. We would confide in each other , everything in our lives ( almost ). The only thing that confuses me , is what she found so special in me , at such short notice , that she gained the courage to stand up against her parents for me.
She is a well known personality today , leading actress , dancer , social activist , the list is almost never ending , like her capabilities. If there is anything , she is not well versed with, it is cooking. The best she can try and do is a sambar. I've never thought , there is something wrong about that , who says cooking is all for wives ? Since , i , too was not well versed in this art , and because we soon got fed up of hotels , the only viable option was ... a maid.
When i passed out of College of Engineering , Trivandrum , in July 2003 , there were three ways before me ; i could go for higher studies , join hundreds others in " job hunting " , or still chase this crazy dream of making it big in the film world. There were two things that troubled me here , one was , like everybody else , what my family was expecting of me ? and the other , for the lucky/unlucky few of us ( consider it either way ) , whats going to happen to my one year old love story ? Unlike me , she knew exactly what she was going to do. She would work in the company she was placed via campus placement , and also excel in the showbiz field - TV and Film. By this time, she had enough stage/TV appearances that this was possible.
3 years down the line , she was a professional artist in TV and Film media and I a government employee. For her , it was a simple transition , she gave up her job after a lot or reluctance and persuasion , to focus on her media career. For me, it was a roller coaster ride , I joined for Master's , got a job in the middle , so gave up studies , and one fine morning was thrown out of Job, ended right on the road, and then made it up as a Teacher , got a little project at Television - short films, documentary, ads ... by this time i couldnt concentrate on Tech Teaching any more. This was really the best part of our lives , we were working in the same field , but that wasnt to last, soon , in a matter of a few years , my works were labelled unimaginative and repetitive , and you know how disastrous that can be .... in a few months time, i found myself in a completely alien situation , a government job. It was only because of her ,that i was able to survive such sudden career transitions in my life. If she had not been with me in those trying situations , i would not have made it. We helped each other in those trying situations , like the best of friends.
My mother was the only person in my family who accepted her,she would make frequent phone calls and inquire about us. Her mother , too used to call , but would only talk to her. After some time , she couldnt help it and she told her mother , not to call if she couldnt accept me. This made her mother talk to me , but her voice lacked any genuine affection. If i ever felt the loneliness of not having a family , it was when she was pregnant. All her friends , and mine were there with all the time , but still , we felt we were missing something. During those days , lying in my arms , she would say about the kind of honour a pregnant woman receives in her family , and then it would be my turn to say about the same in our family . Soon all the talk, would come to one final sentence .. "we , have each other ". When she was taken to the labour room , and i felt helpless like never before , i prayed to god to protect our love. The next morning , when i kissed her forehead , i told her " i will never let you be alone like this again " , and she replied " Let our love not be divided , lets give it to all to our daughter ".
My daughter was not like her mother, rather she was a shy girl. She had simple requests and was often content with what she had. She loved us a lot, but didnt know how to show it. And because her mother, was busy with her work all the time , i was more than a father to her. If i would say anything against my wife, its here. Amidst her busy schedules, she has forgotten our child. I cant believe that she loves our child as she claims to be, because, she doesnt understand her anymore.
As days passed, I and my daughter , really began to miss her , at our dinner tables, at our little joys , at almost everything . But she , would rush to us , whenever , time permitted. She was fast climbing the steps of stardom and moving farther away from us. Yet , once in may be months , when she would be with us at home , she would try in every way to behave like an ordinary mother , a loving wife . Many a times , she would explain , passing her finger through the sleeping child's hair " its for us , why else would i strive so much ? ". I would look at her sleeping tired face. I couldnt understand, what was making her do all this ? is it for us or is it because she wants to be in that world of glamour . I never came to know. There she was , sleeping like a child , right beside me. I cannot think of anything wrong about her at this time. All my frustration and anger gets subsided , once she comes running home , hugs me and cries.
But slowly, i began to realise , she was changing , she was adapting to the fast pace of the industry. she was learning to act in life. Showbiz was becoming an indespensable part of her life. There were always new challenges before her and everybody looked upon her to do it.
Once , i happened to get really cross with one of her friends , who insisted upon waking her up from her sleep, because the crew was waiting. When she came to know about it, she apologized to her friend, but never spoke anything against me. It was as if she could never say anything against me. My actions were justified in her eyes and her in mine. One look , and we could understand each other's mood so perfectly. Yet , i didnt know , why this gap was building between us. It seemed that after the birth of our child , she had become more focussed on her career. The interval between her visits home now extended upto months.
It was during such a prolonged interval that it happened. I was on heavy medicine , and i was almost like a drugged travolta. Sigh! this whole day , i have been sleeping and watching TV , quite rare for me. At about 2 pm, our maid came home. She proceeded to cleaning jobs. I was lying on the sofa and was half asleep and half watching the TV. I was in a kind of dream world. All i was thinking was her , my wife. The good times we had together .. when we couldnt even part for a moment. There she is in front of me. She is looking into my eyes now . Yes , she has come back for me atlast. I slowly got up and went near her. Yes, she is looking at me , the same way , she looked at me , during our first night. I embraced her. She didnt respond and was just remaining as such. When i withdrew my arms , she was standing there like a statue, her chin tilted up and eyes closed , as if she was waiting .... i kissed lightly on her lips and then we lost our balance and fell on to the sofa...
As if i had a jolt , i woke up and saw our maid lying on the sofa, her eyes still closed. I got up suddenly. She opened her eyes and looked at me. Oh my god! what had i done? I rushed out of the room. She was still looking at me surprised. I still couldnt make it out , whether it all had been a dream or reality. After a while , i returned home. The maid was preparing to leave. " saar, the food is on the table , i am leaving " , she said as usual. I still couldnt make it out whether it all had happened . I called out to her and said " I am sorry .. " , " excuse me, for what sir ? ", she asked. I couldnt sleep that night. I kept tossing and turning in my bed , thinking of what had happened. For three days , i didnt go to office. But our maid , behaved the same way as before , and i couldnt ask her anything more. After a few days , my wife came home.
In a few moments time , she noticed that something was not right with me. She came near me and asked. I skipped the topic a few times, and tried to pretend nothing was wrong. My mind was in turmoil all the time. Late that night, i was in the balcony , unable to do away with the tension in my mind. After some time , she came there and stood beside me. She came near me , looked into my eyes. I had never seen her , worried like this before. she said " I cant bear to see you troubled , wont you allow me to share your pain ? ". I couldnt hold on any longer. I had to get this burden off my mind. I told her what had happened.
" .... i kissed and hugged her ..... i still cant believe i did it .. " , i was crying at that time. she placed her hand over my mouth and said " enough ... ". I couldnt read her eyes at that moment. She was crying and hugged me and said " it never happened ". The next day, she persuaded me to go to office . She made me a good breakfast.
Now ,i am driving home .Its 7 pm , a little bit early. I rang the bell , and the door opened. There she is, my wife with a smile on her face. My daughter came running to me calling out " papa ". There , in the sitting room , my parents and hers are waiting for me. They came forward to meet me. Yes, my family is just like an ordinary family. We all had dinner together. After that , we had a chat for sometime. Yes, everyone had accepted us. Everyone had forgotten the past. I just cant believe this wonder has happened. She is so happy at all this. She is attending to everyone. In the middle of our joy filled chat , her mother asked " are you sure you want to quit acting ? " , to which she replied " yes ". I just cant believe this. What all has happened ?
That night we , i and she , talked for a long time. I asked her why she had quit acting. She replied " i can lose anything in my life , but i cant lose you ". It was her decision , and though i tried to convince her that she neednt do this , she said that her greatest joy is our family. she said that she didnt want anything , but to be with me , till the end. Every moment in our life , there has been something to cherish , we have only understood each other better than before , found out how much we love each other , and what it means to be together , together in every moment , in every place , in every sense .









------------------- uncompleted work.
by neo

Sunday, April 06, 2003

Cashewnuts marinated in blood

The prettily furnished kitchen was painted in a petunia violet colour. The floor pads were white. The ceiling was grey. She had her own TV over a corner which crackled round the clock. The gas burner was always on to add to the heat. Now at the exact present she is dong a fish. She decides on its fate according to her natural instincts. Or rather it is her cultivated instincts. The TV is showing about an amazing accident. A man was cut into two by a truck. His two legs are separated and his stomach looks like paper pulp now. It gave her an idea and she started cutting the fish open. She took out its intestines and mashed it into a pulp format. She laid it down on a hot pan after adding enough spices. She kept her eyes over the pan. The hot air from the pan squeezed out two drops of her eye into the dish. That would do for the salt she thought. She threw away the rest of the fish.
She quietly settled on her recliner with her dish. The recliner supported her in all ways. After enjoying the meal she zoomed back to the TV. A petite animal lover was caressing a female panda on the screen. Somewhere else some white priest was pulling staggering devotees off their feet. She watched a lot of pretty oriental children playing foot ball on a channel for some time. Her hands kept pushing her views. She really felt the effect of distributed control and started searching the control centre if there was one. Views passed before her in a hurried manner. She witnessed miracles, real realities, unreal realities, she listened to peoples woes, and at last she hit one of those war channels. What she saw was the close up of a boy’s ball hit by a bullet. One ball was intact and was squirming in blood. Suddenly she knew she was hungry again. She stood up and thought of her next dish. She took out some cashew nuts and started roasting them. She took our one of her wonder knifes and made a cut on her veins. She allowed the blood to pour into the pan. The dark red blood and the brownish yellow nuts. She saw the nuts squirming in the deep concoction of blood and oil. She waited for the dish to cool before she could taste it. She reclined on her supporter and her finger again started searching for her.