Monday, December 29, 2003

to break free

This is a new day and i want every day to be a new day. Nothing more nothing less. Then i tend to form routines and practice them with high precision. May be that is a compulsion passed to me some where in my child hood or may be i am too hypocritical to say the first statement.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

Once Again The Movie - documents

Story
TRANSITION
``````````

B/W:
Camera follows two doctors from behind as they are running through a lobby.
The lobby is dim lit .
The doctors proceed to the ICU room at the end of it.
Opens door. Camera follows. stops at door.
Doctors at each side of the bed.
Nurses.
Lot of commotion.
CUT:
Camera shows ECG Screen. FLAT LINE.
CUT:
Camera pans down the wall at head of patient to finally focus on eyes of patient.
FACE NOT FULLY SHOWN. ONLY EYES.

CHANGE TO Color:
Extreme Close up of eyes.
ECG tone changes to Alarm.
Eyes open as if in a jolt.

CUT:
Camera at side of bed:
Coincide with he gets up as if in a jolt.
He takes some time to recover.

CUT:
Camera follows his hands to switch off the ALARM.
THere is a calendar near the ALarm. November 1999.

CUT:

```````````````````````````````````````````````````
Original Chronological Order.

Snap shots of lovers.
Speeding bike shot.
BLACK OUT ACCIDENT.
ICU SHOT. FLAT LINE.
CAMERA PANS DOWN WALL. CLOCK ON WALL SHOWS 10:10 pm.
CLOSE UP ON EYES.
CHANGE TO EYES COLOR>
GETS UP.
FATHER COMES - COUNSELLINGINU POKANDE ?
CONFUSED.
DEJA VU ?
BREAKFAST TABLE>
" BUT ELECTRONICS WILL GET OVER AT 416 "
COUNSELLING HALL.
COUNSELLING IS FROM 300 TO 450.

" SORRY ELECTRONICS OVER AT 416 "

DEJA VU SEQUENCE:
FATHER: IS ELECTRICAL THERE?
COUNSELLING: YES.
FATHER: WE WILL TAKE IT THEN. SHALL WE SON?
CUT:
FATHER SHAKING HIM: WHAT HAPPENED ?
HE WAKES UP AS IF FROM DREAM.
SAME SEQUENCE REPEATS>

" I DONT WANT Engineering. I AM GOING TO JOIN FOR BA "
AT COLLEGE:
MEETS ANOTHER GIRL AT SAME POSITION AS IN SNAP SHOT 1.
STARTS HEARING VOICE OF ANOTHER GIRL : DONT LEAVE ME.
CUT TO LORDS>
WITH OTHER GIRL ;
SAME AS SNAP SHOT 2.
GIVES RING. CRYING OF ANOTHER GIRLS GETS STRONGER AND STRONGER.
CLOSE UP ON HIS EYES. HE CLOSES EYES AND COVERS HIS EARS AS IF IN DISTRESS.
B/W
EXTREME CLOSE UP.
CLOSED EYES OPEN .
CAMERA PULLS BACK.
FLAT LINE BECOMES NORMAL.
CLOCK ON WALL SHOWS 10:15 PM.
NINA AT BED SIDE. CRYING.
DOCTOR: I HAVE NEVER SEEN A FLAT LINER WAKE UP!
DOCTOR AND NURSE AFTER MAKING SURE EVERYTHING IS NORMAL LEAVES.
NINA: ( STILL CRYING ) I LOVE YOU...
HE: just SMILES.
V.O. I DONT KNOW HOW I AM GOING TO SAY THIS.
I KNOW MY LOVE FOR YOU WASNT REAL.
I KNOW I CANT CHANGE EVERYTHING.
BUT I CAN DO THIS....
HE: SORRY... I NEVER REALLY LOVED YOU.
FADE OUT TO BLACK.

DEATH TAUGHT ME WHAT LIFE COULDNT
BUT I GOT A SECOND CHANCE TO COME BACK.
EVERYBODY DONT.

CREDITS.

script draft
FADE IN:
Extreme CU on young man, SID, lying in bed. Tear-streaked NINA holds his hand. We hear off screen voices….but only just.

OS1: never seen a flatliner recover…
OS2: me neither….guess these things happen….
NINA: I love you….
SID(hesitant): Thank you….
SID(voice over): but I don’t feel the same way anymore. Death can do that to people sometimes.

Cut

B&W
Camera moves back focusing on two doctors as they pace through the corridors through the moderate crowd.

Dr1: so what is new?
Dr2: the usual……loverbirds in an accident….
Dr1: situation?
Dr2: the girl is ok….bruised but …ok. The guy is looking bad though.
Dr1: lets take a look…

Doctors abruptly turn into the emergency room.
Fade out.

3colour
camera follows sid as he walks through the main lobby of the college…..

sid v.o:
life looks better with O.Henry than with Ohms law….
Peer pressure to perform..peer pressure to conform…
None of that here…..
Even if I am surrounded by people who don’t understand me….I can at least understand myself….
If only I could do something about these voices in my head.

Cut
Slow motion as a group of students step aside….revealing a beautiful young girl who is blissfully unaware of our attention…

Sid v.o: she was an angel no less……but what does this mean???
Cut
Camera on sid as he looks around.as if trying to figure out where the voice comes from.

Nina v.o: why did you do this to me?????
You know I am waiting for you here……
Where are you going????

B&W
Camera at the door of the emergency room. We see a hurry of technicians…..
Dr1: ok clear this room.
Dr2: he is going into arrest.

Nurse draws the green curtain across the camera. Which quickly blacks out.

2 colour

camera on breakfast table…sid is eating his breakfast with little interest…
father: so your final choice is electronics right????
Sid doesn’t react.
Father: sid???!!
Sid(with a start):what!
Father: I asked if your choice was electronics?
Sid: my choice doesn’t matter……besides electronics wont be available by they time my counseling comes up…..
Mother: just like you ……always the pessimist…
Sid: no mom……realist……rank 421 takes the last seat in CET…. And mine is 422 i may get only electrical or mechanical….

Sid walks off with his parents staring behind him.

Cut

Inside the counseling room…..
Cu on counselor.
Counselor: sorry the last seat for electronics in CET was allotted to the student just before you.

Wide angle shot on sid’s profile. dad turns to look at him incredulously….

Sid (voiceover):
My life was laid out for me…..like a well trodden road.question is….would walk down it again????

Counselor; so what do you want????
Sid: pardon?
Counselor: is going to be electrical or mechanical engg in CET..or looking for communication elsewhere in kerala?
Sid: I think I will join the B.A English course thank you…

Silence….

Counselor(gets angry): what do you mean…..
Father: he is a bit sick…sorry…(to sid)what are you saying bou?
Sid:I think you heard me….
Camera pulls back as sid walks off..leaving father pleading with an irate counselor…we cannot hear what they are saying.

Sid(V.O): this is freedom….you write someone’s story…your own story…don’t like it…just start over again…could say that this is life…but then again…..

Fade out.

B&W
Close up on dr1
Dr1: I am losing him…..
Dr2: I think we have already lost him.
Wide angle….
We see both doctors bent over a patient we cannot see.
Dr1: we better prepare her….do you think she can take it.
Dr2: lets find out.
Cut

Corridor. Nina is sitting worried on a bench. Dr2 comes up.she is quickly on her feet.
Dr2: I am sorry…we lost him.
Nina sits back with a soft sigh…..she is drained.
Dr2 says something but we don’t hear it…..
Fade out

1 Colour
Camera fades in as the POV of a prone SID.
Obscure voices from the OS….
OS(female): wake him up will you???
FATHER who enters the frame, yells a reply….looks directly into the camera.
FATHER(in Malayalam): so the fever is all gone. Get ready for the counseling…
SID(surprised): counseling?????
FATHER(SMILING): may be the fever isn’t gone…..quick boy!!!! No time to lose…

Camera focuses on the bedside clock the calendar shows distinctly…the year 1999 october..

Cut

Camera on SID sitting on the bed.
SID: no it can’t be……am I awake….am I alive…..

The camera follows sid as he walks towards the bathroom.

Cut


Fade in B&W
Cu on ecg monitor.
Grey flat line traces its way.
We hear distant murmurs……
Nina v.o: why did you do this to me?????
You know I am waiting for you here……
Where are you going????

Gradually screen colours as the ecg turns green and comes alive with a start….
Nina: Doctor!!!!
DR1: good lord!!!!
Dr2: never seen a flatliner recover.

Fade out
CREDITS.

working title
Working title

NeoCraft presents

A ZeusProductions film

Snapshots…..
B&W
Intimate moments between our two lovers..
Photos are dropped into our field of vision. Camera turns to center the fallen photographs.
Soft back ground music…overshadowed by the voiceovers.

1st
NINA looks up the steps to see SIDDARTH come out of ice-net.
Both lock eyes.freeze.
(voiceover)

Zoom to sid
SID
She just stepped in….just like that.

Zoom to nina
NINA
There was something about the way he looked……

2nd still
Lords restaurant. Table for 2.
Profile shot of both. Looking intensely into each other’s eyes. As SID gives her a ring.

NINA
That was a dream evening…..
SID
You could say one thing led to another……


Freeze frame of sid and nina on bike…from the side.
Unfreeze.
Sound of a cruising bike…..
As the bike leaves the frame….leaving us with only bg sounds.

Music picks up tempo….reaches its crescendo….which coincides with the sounds of the accident.

Black out.

Sounds of sirens and rushing feet….
DOCTOR: we have an emergency here……..

Sirens fade as we fade in thru POV of NINA who is lying in bed.
Insistent voices say something, which is drowned by the sound of the still fading sirens.

FATHER enters frame.
Hand moves above the camera as if touching NINA’s forehead….

FATHER: aaa…..pani ellam poyyallo……pettunnu ready ayittivennum counsellinginnu povaan…..

NINA: acha….

Bare lefthand enters frame and rubs the finger where the ring should have been….


Fucked up story line beyond all recognition. FUSLBAR.


Transition

Story and Screenplay
Nihas Abdul Rahman.
Bala Sankar.

Shot 1 <>
Extreme CU of profile of the young man, SID, lying in bed. Tear-streaked NINA holds his hand, is just out of focus. We hear off screen voices….but only just.
OS1: never seen a flatliner recover…
OS2: me neither….guess these things happen….
Focus on nina.
NINA: I love you….


Shot 2 <>
Wide angle shot of nina and sid, from above.
SID(hesitant): Thank you….
SID(voice over): but I don’t feel the same way anymore. Death kills…(sarcastic laugh)…at least a part of me. We will never be the same again.

Shot 3<>
Camera moves back focusing on two doctors as they pace through the corridors
Dr1: so what is new?
Dr2: the usual……lover birds in an accident….
Dr1: where is it from this time?
Dr2: tvm engg college…
Dr1: situation?
Dr2: the girl is ok….bruised but …ok. The guy is looking bad though.
Dr1: lets take a look…

Doctors abruptly turn into the emergency room.
Camera moves forward and turns to face the door way through which the doctors passed. We see a doctor close the door on the camera.we barely see the room.
Fade out.

Shot 4<>
camera leads sid as he walks through the main lobby of the college…..
sid v.o:
life looks better with O.Henry than with Ohms law….
Peer pressure to perform..peer pressure to conform…
None of that here…..
Even if I am surrounded by people who don’t understand me….I can at least understand myself….
If only I could do something about these voices in my head.


Shot 5:<>
Slow motion as a group of students step aside….revealing a beautiful young girl who is blissfully unaware of our attention…
Sid v.o: she was an angel no less……but what does this mean???

Shot 6:<>
Camera on sid as he looks around.as if trying to figure out where the voice comes from.
Nina v.o: why did you do this to me?????
You know I am waiting for you here……
Where are you going?

Shot 7:<>
Camera inside the room.we see the doc close the door.we pull back to the upper right corner of the bed as the doctor approaches the bed. The other doctor appears in the frame.
Dr1: this doesn’t look good.
Dr2: he is going into arrest.
Nurse draws the green curtain across the camera. Which quickly blacks out.

Shot 8:<>
Camera on breakfast table…sid is eating his breakfast with little interest…
father: so your final choice is electronics right????
Sid doesn’t react.
Father: sid???!!
Sid(with a start):what!
Father: I asked if your choice was electronics?
Sid: my choice doesn’t matter……besides electronics wont be available by they time my counseling comes up…..
Mother: just like you(looks at father) ……always the pessimist…
Sid: no mom……just a realist……rank 421 takes the last seat in CET…. And mine is 422 I may get only electrical or mechanical….
Sid walks off with his parents staring behind him.who then look at each other, surprised.

Shot 9:<>
Inside the counseling room…..
Cu on counselor.
Counselor: sorry the last seat for electronics in CET was allotted to the student just before you.

Shot 10:<>
Wide angle shot on sid’s profile. dad turns to look at him incredulously….

Shot 11:<>
Close up, Sid.
Sid (voiceover):
My life was laid out for me…..like a well trodden road.question is….would I walk down it again????
Counselor(V.O): so what do you want????
Sid: pardon?

Shot 12:<>
Wide Angle.
Counselor: is it going to be electrical or mechanical engg in CET..or looking for communication elsewhere in kerala?
Sid: I think I will join the B.A English course thank you…
Silence….
Counselor(gets angry): what do you mean…..

Shot 13:<>
Camera behind counselor.
Focus father.
Father: he is a bit sick…sorry…(to sid)what are you saying ?
Sid:I think you heard me….
Camera rises as sid walks off..leaving father pleading with an irate counselor…we cannot hear what they are saying.

Shot 14:<>
Camera in corridor. We watch sid’s back.
Sid(V.O): this is freedom….you write someone’s story…your own story…don’t like it…just start over again…could say that this is life…but then again…..
Fade out.

Shot 15:<>
Close up on dr1
Dr1: I am losing him…..
Dr2:(v.o) I think we have already lost him.

Shot 16:<>
Foot of the bed.Wide angle….
We see both doctors bent over a patient we cannot see.
Dr1: we better prepare her….do you think she can take it.
Dr2: lets find out.


Shot 17:<>
Corridor. Camera focuses Nina’s profile. Nina is sitting worried on a bench. We see an out of focus Dr2 come up. Nina is quickly on her feet.Camera rises with nina to bring both nina and dr in frame.

Shot 18:<>
Close up Doctor.
Dr2: I am sorry…we lost him.

Shot 19:<>
Camera infront of Neena.
Nina sits back with a soft sigh…..she is drained.
Dr2 says something but we don’t hear it…..
Fade out

Shot 20:<>
Camera fades in as the POV of a prone SID.
Obscure voices from the OS….
OS(female): wake him up will you???
FATHER who enters the frame, yells a reply….looks directly into the camera.
FATHER(in Malayalam): so the fever is all gone. Get ready for the counseling…

Shot 21:<>
Camera on Sid getting up.
SID(surprised): counseling?????
FATHER(SMILING): may be the fever isn’t gone…..quick boy!!!! No time to lose…
Camera turns to focus on the bedside clock the calendar shows distinctly…the year 1999 october..

Shot 22:<>
Camera at foot of bed. Focus on Sid.
SID: no it can’t be……am I awake….am I alive…..
Sid gets up.
The camera turns as Sid moves to bathroom.


Shot 23:<>
Fade in B&W
Cu on ecg monitor.
Grey flat line traces its way.
We hear distant murmurs……

Nina v.o: “why did you do this to me?????
You know I am waiting for you here……
Where are you going?”

Gradually screen colours as the ecg turns green and comes alive with a start….
Nina(v.o): “Doctor!”
DR1(v.o): “Good lord!”
Dr2(v.o): “Never seen a flatliner recover”.

Repeat Shot 1:<>
Focus on nina.
NINA: I love you….

Repeat Shot 2:<>
Wide angle shot of nina and sid, from above , FREEZE.
SID : but, DO I ?
Fade out.

Credits.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Extra Shots for Chrono.

Shot 24:<>
Intimate moments between our two lovers..
Photos are dropped into our field of vision. Camera turns to center the fallen photographs.
Soft back ground music…overshadowed by the voiceovers.

1st
NINA looks up the steps to see SIDDARTH come out of ice-net.
Both lock eyes.freeze.
(voiceover)
Zoom to sid
SID: She just stepped in….just like that.
Zoom to nina
NINA: There was something about the way he looked……

2nd still
Lords restaurant. Table for 2.
Profile shot of both. Looking intensely into each other’s eyes. As SID gives her a ring.

NINA : That was a dream evening…..
SID : You could say one thing led to another……




Shot 25:<>
Freeze frame of sid and nina on bike…from the side.
Unfreeze.
Sound of a cruising bike…..
As the bike leaves the frame….leaving us with only bg sounds.
Music picks up tempo….reaches its crescendo….which coincides with the sounds of the accident.
Black out.

Shot 26:<>
Photos are dropped into our field of vision. Camera turns to center the fallen photographs.
Soft back ground music…overshadowed by the voiceovers.
1st
PREETHI looks up the steps to see SIDDARTH come out of ice-net.
Both lock eyes.freeze.
(voiceover)
Zoom to sid
SID: She just stepped in….just like that.
Zoom to nina
PREETHI: There was something about the way he looked……

2nd still
Lords restaurant. Table for 2.
Profile shot of both. Looking intensely into each other’s eyes. As SID gives her a ring.
PREETHI : That was a dream evening…..
SID : You could say one thing led to another……

Shot 27:<>
Doctor’s V.O: He is going in to arrest.
Camera rapid motion. From ECG Flat line. To clock on wall (11:20).
Close up on eyes.

Shot 28:<>
Close up on eyes. Opens.


Shot 29:<>
Close up on Last Photo (PREETHI-SID).
Hand enters frame to Tear it.


Cast

Cast
````

Sid: joe
Nina: Nina.
Preethi : Preethi.
Doc1: Balu.
Doc2: Aparna.
Father:lrd
Counsellor: ajay

Locations:
Hospital. – ICU + Corridor.
College. – Corridor + Class Room.

Props.
ECG.
Stethoscope + Lab Coat.
Computers.

shooting day

SHOT TAKE IN OUT DESCRIPTION
HOSPITAL ICU
7 4 1.59 2.25 ok
15 1 2.25 2.47 poor dialogue
2 2.47 3.14 ok
16 1 3.14 3.42 eyes open (JOE)
2 3.42
3 3.5* 4.32 ok
16A 1 4.34 5.06 ok
1 1 5.06 5.32 ok
2 1 5.32 5.54 ok
32(zoom) 1 5.54 6.31 ok
32(static for still) 2 6.31 7.14 ok (cut shots)
33 1 7.14 7.37 ok fast
34 close up 1 7.37 8.27 joe
35 close up 1 8.27 8.39 nina
3 1 8.39 9.25 ok
2 9.25 10.07 sound
3 10.07 10.53 ok
17 1 10.51 11.25 ok
2 11.25 12.01
3 12.01 12.51 ok
18 1 12.51 13.5
2 13.5 14.08
3 14.08 14.21
4 14.21 14.49 ok
VOICE OVERS
1 15.01 15.16 not ok
2 15.16 15.29 why did you….
1 15.29 15.41 why do… (ok)
1 15.41 15.54 DOCTOR!! (ok)
2 15.54 16.02 DOCTOR!! (ok)
1 16.1 16.14 Two Doctors
2 16.14 16.27
3 16.3 16.42 ok
1 16.42 x not ok
2 16.54 x DO I (ok) - joe
1 17.02 17.14 I don’t feel … (joe) ok

BEDROOM

MISC 17.23 MOVING… JOE SLEEPING
20 1 17.35 18.14 JOE STANDS UP -SOUND NOT OK
2 18.14 18.52 SOUND NOT OK
(No clap) 3 18.52 19.34 OK
20A 1 19.34 20.14 X
2 20.17 20.44 OK
21 1 20.47 21.07 OK
2 21.07 21.31 STRAIGHT (OK)
MISC 3 21.31 21.46 FACE (STRAIGHT)
21A 1 21.46 22.07 OK
2 22.07 22.36 HANDS
8 1 22.47 23.2 X
2 23.2 24.17 X
3 24.15 25.11 OK
8A 1 25.09 26.25 OK

CGPU

9 1 26.25 26.4 CLOSE UP AJAY (X)
2 26.4 26.59 OK
9A 1 26.59 27.18 PROFILE (OK)
12 1 27.2 27.43 OK
12B 1 27.43 27.57 X
2 27.57 28.07 OK
3 28.07 28.12 PROFILE (OK)
10 1 28.12 X X
2 X 28.36 X
3 28.36 28.52 OK
10A 1 28.52 29.42 MISC CLOSE UP JOE
12A 1 29.42 30.07 OK
1 30.07 30.48 UNCLE RESPONSE JOE LEAVING
2 30.48 31.02 X
3 30.48 31.15 OK
13 1 31.15 31.43 OK
NO CLAP
Z1 1 31.43 X JOE WALKING (BACK)
2 31.54 X DO
Z2 1 32.18 X (FRONT) WITH FILE
2 32.4 X DO
Z3 1 33.03 X WITHOUT FILE
2 33.15 X DO

Z4 1 33.38 34.08 COMING UP STAIRS -NOT OK
2 34.08 34.39 OK
Z5 1 34.49 35 C.U JOE
2 35 35.1 OK
Z6 1 35.1 X LOOK
2 35.38 X
3 35.58 36.09
Z7 1 36.09 38.07 FREE CORRIDOR
Z8 1 38.07 X PREETHI TURNING AROUND (OK)
2 X 38.26 OK
Z9 1 38.24 X JOE L->R MID ANGLE
6A 1 39.01 X CLOSEUP BLUR…(NOT ok)
2 39.15 39.28 X
3 X 39.37 OK
25 X 40.37 ROMANCE (ACACIA)
40.37 40.55
40.55 41.1
41.1 41.23
Z10 1 41.49 X WALKING TOGETHER TO .. (NOT OK)
2 42.02 X X
Z11 1 42.11 X WALKING TOGETHER FRO…..(NOT OK)
2 42.48 X X
3 43.08 X OK
MAKING - UNTIMED
VOICE OVER

SID1 47.12 47.41 OK
SID2 47.41 X X
47.45 47.56 OK
SID3 47.56 48.03 OK
SID4 48.03 48.14 OK
SID5 48.14 48.23 OK
SID6 48.23 48.36 OK
X 48.36 CUT SHE WAS AN ANGEL …
48.48 48.52
X 48.52 49.03 DEATH TAUGHT ME…
SID7 49.03 49.17 OK

JOE'S BIRTHDAY 49.17 50.52

INTRO V.O
NIHAS 50.52 51.12 OK
51.12 51.26 NOT OK

ECG SEQUENCE 51.26 END



Thursday, December 18, 2003

words

the pen thinking of itself
a man thinking of himself
and of what i shant know
but those words i shall crave for

bala you inspire me with your poems.

an old poem

---common cold

Basking in the glory of my health
I couldnt see you coming with the wind
You made love with me
And you made me weak
You made me cold when i wanted heat
I loved you when you stirred me deep
But i hated you when you made me sleep
I never tried to drug you out
Not even when you stifled my throat
And smothered my sound with your love
But once you said its time to part
And you pushed me back to my solitude

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Everything that has a beginning has an end

Have found time within my turmoil after a long time now...My pen lies lifeless between my fingers and my mind rests listless between my ears.

I squeeze it to force the ink.
I squeeze it and force myself to think.
But no thoughts. All noughts.
Down again to straight reporting, though shades of poetry still take shape.
Rhythm unbidden creeps in.
Rhyme unplanned seeps in.

The first drops through the crack in the dam....gather momentum....gathering fellow drops in revolt.
Fighting the dam and breaking the vault.
All the riches held within fell to ground in a blinding shower.
Everything is destroyed....in a vulgar display of power.

The time will come when all my life...each waking moment...each sleeping second....each dreaming hour...shall meet that point in space and time....for which a whole lifetime I will wait.
Preparing for it and hoping that I am not late.
When the time comes few will know. Before they comprehend I must go.
A purpose I shall serve, of which none maybe aware.
Saint or sinner in else's eyes, I will just not care.

When that happens Death would be a natural extension of life.
And I shall sleep, my brow uncreased by strife.

movie diary from bala

17-12-2002

It was two days before the university exam. And a day before my sister’s birthday. But I remember it better for other reasons. Or at least I hope these words will help me trap those moments forever.
It must have been about eight at night. There I was lost in the irrelevance of mundane conversations with Sijin and Kiran. But that day was a mite different than others…..I had what seemed like a brainwave, then. I shared the burden of my discovery with fellow madman Nihas, who lapped up the idea.
And so we decided to feed our inner demons….our desire to see the words ‘film-maker’ written under our names….our 15 minutes of fame…our day in the sun when we could look at the industry in the eye and say “We are here!!!! Look out”. We tanked our Christmas vacation plans and decided to make this movie on a shoestring budget. People asked why we weren’t going home, and we would say we were going to make a movie. The reaction was always the same. “No way”. Understandable. They were all listening to us rave and rant about making a movie for nearly 2 years now. Something told me this time was different and somehow we managed to scrounge around 3000 bucks a piece. In the classic Bowfinger tradition, we convinced ourselves that all movies were made with just 6000 Indian Rupees.
Then it began the wait for the two interminable days to go by before we could embark on our …….journey?! Maybe it was one. Then again…..

19-12-2002

And so we said our good-byes to all the doubting Thomases that left for their Christmas vacation with a joke to take home. Us and our story. The elation of a 10 day break before the next exam and the fact that we were going to make our movie played a major part in what we did that day. However, we did…NOTHING. Our major hiccup was a classy idea by Nihas to change the protagonist’s gender. Though I suspected that there ulterior motives behind such a move, I agreed in the beginning, but before long we knew our story, a passable one in the beginning, was now royally f***ed. But we promised ourselves that we would finish the story on 20th and finish the shoot by Christmas. All I wanted was an original story. All Nihas wanted was a movie he could make. We failed to meet halfway.




20-12-2002

We stared dumbly at the monitor as we sat to write the screenplay. We couldn’t agree on the colour of shit that morning. So we took our disagreement to the film-makers court. A court where, each day, a million judges pass their collective verdict on every director’s venture. The theatre. The fateful movie was ‘Kaante’. As luck would have it, the tapes hadn’t arrived for the first day’s first show and we meekly headed back to hostel. I told myself the omens weren’t right and we were rightfully prevented from watching a plagiarized work before we embarked on our own. Long live Quentin Tarantino. Now at our wits’ end we set deadlines for our screenplay. If by nine that night we hadn’t come up with anything, we would adapt an O.Henry short story for movie. If that didn’t work out by ten, we would go back to our original story…the very first screenplay we wrote, inspired by Guy Ritchie. And we weren’t prepared for contingencies beyond that…..

That night after several hours in front of my comp, we returned to the very same story that we had f***ed the day before, only this time we omitted the proposed sex change for the protagonist. Gotta say we liked it when it was finished. Was nothing new as far as stories go, but we had faith in our presentation. I must acknowledge here with a touch of disappointment, that the concept of our presentation was nothing new. I admit it. We stole the story telling technique from Christopher Nolan’s Memento…..but that was the compromise we had to make to get the story ready in time for the shoot.

Nihas suckered me into playing a small part in the movie. I agreed thinking that he would be my hero for the movie. Little did I know.

21-12-2002

A pleasant Sunday. We headed to meet our editor Jalston, with the 5 page screenplay in hand. As we expected, he couldn’t tell the head from the tail of the story. When we finished explaining, he seemed moderately interested. He gave us his last words of advice and convinced us that Nihas would have to be behind the camera all the time. A decision that left us scrambling at the last minute for a hero. Now I was stranded in front of the camera and Nihas was jammed behind it. I have no faith in my acting skills, but I felt that at least we both would go down together. In front of the camera and behind it. Through all this we scrambled through the bylanes of the city in scooters, bikes, public transport, private transport…..and what not……our cast was barely there. Of the three major parts to be played, we had only 1 confirmed actress. Neena Cherian. Our other ‘stars’ were unavailable for comment or commitment. But we had a moronic sense of confidence that told us that everything was going to be F.I.N.E fine….

Now Neena is an established screen goddess in our college circles and so her casting and participation was natural. I must tell you it was a proud moment for me when I asked her to act in our movie and she agreed without even going through the story!!! For the other major female part I had my eyes set on Preethi latha. I convinced Nihas that she was perfect. There was only one problem…reaching her. I knew she would agree to the idea if only we could talk to her. I was confident about my skills in convincing people to act foolish. Aparna G Menon……aaah what can we say about this lady???? She was the key all our success. The door to the land of possibilities. There was only one other problem. We could never reach these great people. And of course there was the unresolved issue of finding our hero.

But these were times when even the sun seemed kind…every day smelled sweet. All I could see was our movie opening amidst rave reviews, exploding camera flashes, cackling reporters, Cannes and champagne……yeah right…we got carried away…

But after night fall, the both of us became zombies. We felt nothing. Understood nothing. Blanking out totally. So nobody can be expected to remember or record what happened from 7 in the evening to 9 the next morning. The long suffering Shibin, who had, at his own risk, chosen to stay behind with us, put up with us morons through his movie marathons.5 VCDs at a time. He was the machine. When we offered him a small role in the film, he immediately gave us a warm response. An extended middle finger.
Yeah right.

22-12-2002

Nihas finally got to talk to the camera man. We were scheduled to meet him that afternoon. But there was also this appointment I had with my local guardian, my financier and my confidant. My sister. I had planned to keep the news of this movie away from her but when I met her that day I spilled the beans like the numb-nut I am. She wasn’t in the least impressed, but seemed to like the story and asked me to tell dad about it.

A quick word about my dad. He hates art and movies. So I knew talking him into letting me do it was pointless and also a wasted effort. Any way we left my sis’s place feeling light headed. We were still very optimistic. Nihas and I. We finally hunted the camera man down and asked him all about the expenses and he gave us a figure that was too good to be true. 1300 rupees per day. I could barely believe it. So we walked on with more than just a jump in our step. Nihas had a few reservations as we still hadn’t found our hero. But I stuck my policy on team work….compensate and complement your team-mate. So I kept telling him over and over again that everything would be ok. And I believed it for a while. We called that nice man who had heard our pathetic stories and contrived plots for untold hours without a single complaint and with genuine interest. Rakesh Ram. I can’t tell you how much we are in the debt of this quiet man. We called him on a whim and told him to come right over and be our sound man and help us get on with it basically. He was flustered at the sudden attack and told us he would decide by evening. I knew he would come. I had a brainwave (I was having a bit too many for my own liking anyway…) and I suggested the casting of Joe Chemmanam as our hero. Nihas had reservations but I told him he had dedication and he wouldn’t refuse us anyway. That clinched it. So we called Joe and explained our situation. He was ever the sportsman and rose to the challenge even if he was unsure about his own skills. Now we made our final attempt to contact Aparna who finally told us that she would come to college the next day and we could discuss things in person. A delightful proposition. Pretty soon it was evening and we were dullards again. Though we still hadn’t reached Preethi we (or more precisely, I) ran into hot water when I called her at home and got a frosty response from her father who hung up on me rather unceremoniously.

23-12-2002

I waited by the phone stupidly. Waiting for it to ring and waiting for Aparna to be at the other end. Joe turned up in his trusted Splendor and was half amused and half apprehensive about our proposal. Having waited long enough for Aparna to call, we took the initiative and called her at her place. It turned out that she had left a message with Ajay P P, our honourable Gen Sec. and the best news was she fixed up an appointment that evening at her place. Amidst all this commotion Suraj, who was placed in Mindtree came over to give us his treat. We coordinated a mass transport arrangement whereby the 5 of us (Suraj, Joe, Shibin, Nihas and I) could end up in City gate, Sreekaryam. Must have been Suraj’s lucky day as only fried rice was available and he got away with it….
I somehow managed to get Ajay to write a letter addresses to our principal allowing us to shoot the film in college during Christmas.
After lunch Nihas and I met S.K.Mohan and got permission after some drama (only to be expected when you are dealing with a madman like him!). After a quick nap, both of us prepared to meet Aparna. Joe agreed to accompany us and so we got to go in his car. We found the place without much trouble and quickly got down to the basics. I told the story for the nth time in my patented style (ask Nihas…) and everyone was impressed!! Aparna was of the opinion that if we could convey exactly what we wanted to say, it would be a good movie. After explaining it all we sat back and watched her co-ordinate our locations, cast, props and what not through a silver tongue and handy mobile phone. She even got the elusive Preethi Latha on phone, who promptly turned up to visit us at Aparna’s place after she had me explain the story and her role in the film. We wasted some time at Aparna’s place probably because we were entering our twilight zone of retardation. Late that evening we set out to purchase films, props and to finalize the cameraman.

We stumbled for the first time. The cameraman brought out all his hidden costs and now the daily rate shot up to 3000 a day. I was deflated and getting angrier by the moment but Nihas kept a cool head and haggled it make it 2500 per day. We called it a day and trudged back to hostel. I had my first reservations about the entire project. Nevertheless, we went about converting my room in hostel as an I.C.U room in case Aparna couldn’t arrange something better. Fell asleep by 3:00 in the morning.

by bala

Sunday, December 14, 2003

And we come back to life.....

After a long self imposed silence, the three voices murmur quiet frustrations...some heard some unheard...some said some unsaid...
i was at the point of running away from my job when i finally had my review.....the kind of lies i told them about my committment to the company made me want to puke....but on the upside.....even the company's managing director made it a point to sit in during my review.....i was flattered.....he did that only for one other equally promising candidate....so even i am undecided about my supposed career move....all my applications have been in the cold for a while now....i am mostly resigned to a fate of spanners and grease inside dark lift shafts......

i sometimes get some free time in the evening....i usually head to planet M and listen to songs at their listening posts and in house radio.......sometimes i sing metallica and other heavy shit aloud as i ride my boss's bike.....i am really losing it man......

neo desist from reblogs.... i love you in your crystalline form......ram keep up the non penetrative sex!!!!

i really miss you guys....and i really fear the day when we might meet.....have we changed beyond recognition?? i can barely maintain a decent conversation with my friends anymore....when any of them calls me, i maintain a strained conversation. the same is true even when i call them.....

i am a man hater now....some body please help me....

Saturday, December 13, 2003

What was sleep ? huh ?

When i close my eyes,
I see lights .. tiny yellow lights all over,
some neurons fire at random ...
some javascript error creeps up,
I have forgotten to BLINK! my eyes are dry but wide open .. or are they ?
This monitor just rippled .. just like water .. like a stone is thrown in .. or did it ?
enough .. i am gonna be selfish .. or should i not ?
gosh! somebody get me out of this stinking pot ..
somebody just unplug me ..
and cleanse my whole system!!!!

Scintillating!!!!

I am RE-Publishing BALA's blog .. because this piece is too good..

Arrows fly from left and right
Is it a friend or foe?
I raise my arm and strike at night
At whom? I 'll never know.
Through the night I fought the fight
Was it a battle? Was it a war?
In the calmness of the morning light
And then...no more.
Alone I stand, sword in hand
At the edge of the battlefield.
Shifting sands of that aging land
Scarred but it had healed.

Monday, December 08, 2003

Dream

one
i am reinstituted in a prestigeous and strict high school. i have a single room in the boarding facility and its a whole new world out there. i am afraid of the whole situation
two
i am seduced by a girl. she wants to have non-penetrative sex with me. we started as friends sharing a bed and ended up all sweaty cuddly.

Monday, November 10, 2003

quote from another blog

being considerate and appropriate is like a magnet that pulls all the filth around us. it stinks, it sticks
                         
poonam

dont you feel it is true atleast i do

quote of an existentialist

one is never entirely unhappy
albert camus - the guru of existentialism

tailpiece - i find it very cool. even though i am dark on the meaning of the word existentialism. i just stole the quote from another blogsite.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

The vedas

The matrix reloaded gives the idea of an eternal loop. The whole matrix is created and it grows. There is the concept of a seperation inside and one part is zion and at some regular or irregular intervals it is destroyed and reloaded.The vedas talk about something similar. In there there are three primary forces shiva, bramha and vishnu and at the begining there is something that creates them. That something is eternal. After the creation the whole system grows and after a regular interval there is the so called flood which destroys everything. And then the process repeats.

matrix revolutions

saw matrix revolutions and i think you guys are not going to like it. anyway i await your reviews. and days are warmer for me. i am living with the ibs guys for the time being and i am enjoying their company. one damn thing is that i dont think these days. no stirring thoughts. no stirring conversations.

Thursday, October 30, 2003

attention

i just wonder why we crave so much for attention. i am going from a loner to loner. people around me walk as if they dont see me. but luckily now a days i dont do any thing to get attention. because it is boring if you tried that and you still get none. in hostel also i am more like a ghost. a ghost only jerry can see. and i thought i move out. i am planning to spend some days with joseph and party. hope it goes well.

Friday, October 24, 2003

Fragma

here are my fractured words.....my mind has shrunk to a point where it cannot hold on to a single train of thought...so i wander and i scribble.....this is to keep me sane.....
i cant even hold on to a single theme or emotion these days.

Some days are spent in quiet torment
And others in efforts vain.
Energy and soulforce spent
Just to fail again.
In times like these I hope to see
How else things might have been.
In times like these I hope to be
All else I could have been.

Placed my life in else's hands
Thought I might be free
Soldier caught in no man's land
I find no empathy.

Arrows fly from left and right
Is it a friend or foe?
I raise my arm and strike at night
At whom? I 'll never know.
Through the night I fought the fight
Was it a battle? Was it a war?
In the calmness of the morning light
And then...no more.
Alone I stand, sword in hand
At the edge of the battlefield.
Shifting sands of that aging land
Scarred but it had healed.

Thursday, October 23, 2003

Confession of a Dangerous Mind

Dear Fellas,
Finally I asked a Girl if i could screw her, she laughed and then said "NO".
She is the ugliest girl you would ever see in your lives .. but what the heck ? i just wanted to get laid.
Hope this explains my state of mind.. HA HA!
BYE
NEO

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

taxi driver

At last i found some time to see taxi driver and it was too good a movie. The male psyche represented in the movie really was cool. De Niro is at his youngest and coolest and so is jodie foster. But the coolest thing is the movie and not the stars. And then you guys are too silent. So long

Monday, October 13, 2003

love and hatred

Yesterday i had an infy test at bangalore. Instead of getting down at bangalore i got down at hosur (blunders as usual) which i found was 40 kms from bangalore. It was too cold and romantic a morning to cry over blunders and soon i was on another bus to bangalore. The city greeted me with cold showers and a large bus station where i couldnt find an enquiry. Thankfully i got to the exam center. Saw a lot of our guys there. After the exam i just had two hours to spare before my return bus. I wandered a bit and it was then i felt the pain of alienation. The aloneness, and the only exception was when you see fellow youth whichever place they may be from. You can easily identify with them. I hated the whole place until kiran and sijin came to meet me just before the bus took off. The bus back had its small pains which are rather boring. And then no more.
tail piece : i made blunders in the test too rather unexpected isnt it

Thursday, October 09, 2003

morning

I just went through some other blogsites and reading them is real fun at least better than reading all the impersonal forwarded mails from groups. Yesterday night some junior fellow in college came over me and talked to me about once again. He has seen me in the making. That felt good. I got sandeeps membership and went down to welgate. Not a wasted journey since i got taxi driver but still couldnt find time to see it. Morning i was late but being late has its advantages. I could see the beatiful creature who i am going to stalk if i get more free time. She was more serious today and stared at me for a while. Her lips were more composed and she had something on her mind. Now today our CEO is not here so taking the liberty to do some morning browsing. And then no more.

Sunday, September 28, 2003

What Has Come of Me???

Movies were a passion.......I have seen one in three months on shitty cable televison.....Formula 1 was another passion....I have seen one post race press conference in five races.....Poetry was another....I have written nothing that I love except for 'fractured frames' and the 'scenarios'
I am decaying....vegetating......I have had enough.

here are some random movie quotes to keep up the old fires of memories burning......

The film is 'Seven' by David Fincher....The scene is the climactic car drive into the distribution grid where kevin spacey, brad pitt and morgan freeman have the showdown..
"
MILLS
We're not just going to pick up two more
bodies, are we, Johnny? That wouldn't
be... shocking enough. Wouldn't keep you
on the front page of the newspapers.

JOHN DOE
Wanting people to pay attention, you can't
just tap them on the shoulder. You have to
hit them in the head with a sledgehammer.
Then, you have their strict attention.
"


The film is 'Pulp fiction' by Queinten Tarantino....The scene is the finale of the opening sequence involving John Travolta and Samuel L Jackson...

"
JULES
There's a passage I got memorized,
seems appropriate for this
situation: Ezekiel 25:17. "The path
of the righteous man is beset on
all sides by the inequities of the
selfish and the tyranny of evil
men. Blessed is he who, in the
name of charity and good will,
shepherds the weak through the
valley of darkness, for he is truly
his brother's keeper and the finder
of lost children. And I will
strike down upon thee with great
vengeance and furious anger those
who attempt to poison and destroy
my brothers. And you will know my
name is the Lord when I lay my
vengeance upon you."

The two men EMPTY their guns at the same time on the sitting
Brett.

"

The film is 'Terminator 2'...the scene is the one before arnie, linda hamilton, john connor and the computer geek go to blow up skynet...

"
Pavement rushing at us, lit by headlights. Beyond, darkness.

SARAH (V.O.)
The future, always so clear to me, has become
like a black highway at night. We were in
uncharted territory now... making up history
as we went along.
"

Thursday, September 25, 2003

Thoughts for a LifeTime

"How does it feel to know someone, every square inch ?"
- BALA SANKAR alias ZEUS

"Each of us need some stirring!!! Thats all we need "
- RAKESH RAM alias TRINITY

Monday, September 22, 2003

Fractured Frames

My life is dissipating in a sequence of great scenes of fantastic films...but there is no cohesion...no direction....it is a wasted effort...if i could see what part of my life is vital and what is not.....if i could show you what you want to see...tell you the words you need to hear...my life might be the greatest cinematic spectacle anyone has witnessed....
so i record the impressive momnets of my day....hoping some greater genius would do justice to my story.

I walked into the station for the 83rd day in mumbai. I am a ghost now. People walk through me....talk through me and suddenly I assume form.....physical and tangible....and now i strike people...who brush me off them like a germ. The vague looks i get worries me so i look about me....normal enough...
A gleaming machine with gaudy lights draws me like a flame to a moth...before i know i am slotting a coin and out rolls a card with my weight on it, courtesy of the 'eastern scales and weights'....I have lost 10 kilos.....I feel even lighter now...the screaming interstate train that thunders past the platform threatens to physically suck me into its vortex...I hold on to the machine.....
I turn the card to find a prediction on it for me...

If you are a woman, you are beautiful, honest and a loyal wife.Your lucky number is 2.

Till then i thought that i was in the wrong lane profession wise...now maybe i am in the wrong lane gender wise as well......

Saturday, September 13, 2003

from grave

Its a cold slab of marble
And I lie down on it
I dont read the inscription
For I dont have the heart
Its the grave yard
And I sleep here
Across the corner there is another stone
With my name on it
but I dont care
And sometimes like the old days
Roses bloom and I start crying
or should I laugh
Every night I dream about the dead
And I wake up with a warm heart
And then I see those graves
And I am as cold as ever

Friday, September 12, 2003

I feel jealous of you people ... of being able to churn out so much .. I write nothing these days.

Words , Just Random words and Nothing More
```````````````````````````````
Scared , Juxtapose, Sacred,
Freedom, Fly, Lie, Fear,
Horror, Belief, Sigh, Cry,
Nuisance, Nonsense, Culmination,
Salvation, Break-point, Torture,
Desire, Harm, Hatred, Priority,
Friends, Signature, Life, Belief
Creature, Creation, Crumble,
Frustration, Ugly, Sex, Talk,
Breathe , Suicide, Consume,
Sacrifice, Left, Over, Missed,
Meaning ? Amen!!

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Scenario Two

It is a lonely beach. I am walking between the sands and the water. I see her. She steps out of the water like a mermaid or something....She is wearing only a teeny tiny bikini...red with white stripes like some sexy colgate gel ad....she smiles at me as she catwalks up to me.....I am transfixed by the sight.....She tells me that she will set me free....I ask if it is going to be.....
Yes she says It will be me....

Without being bidden I kneel with my back to her......I hear the metallic clank of a bullet rolling out of a magazine and into the chamber of a pistol.....I will never know where she hid the gun.......She puts the shining barrel to the side of my head.....lets me feel the weight and texture for a brief moment.......
She pulls the trigger.

In extreme slow motion.....the barrel moves over once ejecting the empty cartridge and remaining gun powder smoke.....the bullet has already entered the sand by my side.......as the hair...skin...bone...and brain tissue rush to fill in the void left in the bullet's wake....consciousness and life follows it......I fall over unceremoniously...in a posture that I could never have naturally maintained during life...maybe that is why death is so different....

She kicks me around....looks at the bloody mess of what used to be my face.....She sits upon my stomach...under any other time it might have been that sexy thing to do...
She places the gun squarely upon my chest and whispers a sweet goodbye and shatters my caged heart which stopped beating a long while ago......With a single tear to decorate her face, she walks back into the sea....

I am gone.
Scenario One

It is a hot afternoon. I ride my powerful V-twin cruiser down the open freeways of whatever. Push the throttle and lose the distances...between now and forever....
I must have driven for an hour...or maybe a day...it doesn't matter...what does however is what is about to follow....

I approach a turn and suddenly there are screaming brakes and gunfire from behind...before I can turn a bullet rips my right mirror to shreds, which liberally tear through my sleeves as they make an exit.
I know what needs to be done and how...so even before the thought process has begun, I give the ape hadlebars a mighty shake and leap off the bike.....Spinning through the air....in bullet time.....I turn to face the onrushing bullets and wheels...simultaneously I draw out two sub-machine guns and open fire even as my cruiser skids below me, throwing mighty sparks at me...

I, poised between death and life, rain molten lead upon my unseen enemies.....I kill them before I hit the ground. Then it happens.....denim...cotton....skin....flesh....bone each layer scraped and pared as in prepartion for the departure.....pain begins and reaches the very height and before the body can react the threshold is crossed and there is only peace.

With every other broken bone, I gain more perspective....
With every fresh laceration, I am reminded that I need to go on a little more...
I remember everyone who meant anything to me......I hope they understand.....
I close my eyes.

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

DOORS

lock out this world for just this night.

i can't share this beauty,this personal sight.

a heart,bleeding and stripped off pretense,

asks to be shared, asks a lowering of defence.

share with me moments stolen from time's hands,

time held frozen in shifting sands.

time we stole from this busy world,

with reasons that must be untold.

for i don't believe, they'll ever understand,

what it means, to have upon my heart, your hand.

why words don't matter when eyes speak with love and tears,

eyes that shield me from my demons, and my fears.

eyes that look with beauty, deep.

eyes that close and put me to sleep.

wishing i could be a single breathe you take,

even if i am sent away in a soulful sigh you make.

the few moments that i linger, i'll always cherish

granted this feeling is evanescent and it'll perish.

but i can't let the world see me,they'd never understand

that when you touch me, i feel it like my own hand.

Poem by Bala.

Friday, September 05, 2003

DEATH OF AN UNKOWN GIRL

Who once walked with eyes to the sky,

now came home, held shoulder high.

eyes, once bright, perhaps,

now are closed and clasped.

death had borne this girl away

into the night of the dying day.

I watch as people file,

in a single line with plastic smiles.

looking ghastly in forced grief,

They steal else's sorrow like lowly thieves.

And it is done with just intent,

to help grieving eyes, till they relent,

with torrents of tears & trembling drops

washing over the pale and pallid corpse.

what dreams those closed eyes held,who's to know?

What secrets lie buried behind her brow?

people who barely knew her for hours,

cry their tears over funeral flowers.

"I'll miss her" between tears they claim,

of a girl who in death has become more than a name.

my thoughts unvoiced doesn't care

for their need to share,

the grief that only the truly loved can feel.

tears, in vain, they try to steal.

please leave them alone,

in memory of what death had borne.

tear away your mask of pretense,

your grief, its artifice is its offence.

Poem By Bala.

Thursday, September 04, 2003

she saw the tiny glitter in the heap
and her eyes lit up
with her tiny hand she started digging
until sweat rolled on to her brows
she was alone in the junk yard
and she never knew about god

slowly she sat down in the shit
with her vacant eyes she poked the sky
she started feeling the chill of the night
and she embraced herself for some heat
she had no strings attached to her
she was free in this world

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Human clay

ash to ash. dust to dust.
born of the dust. Watered by the love of this earth, each of us evolve....each of us revolve..on the cosmic potter's wheel. turning into vessels of His purpose..fulfilling it till we turn to dust.

but the time we wait by His side is when we spent most of our life. It is the wait as much as the purpose that defines the life...

much as we wait to be shaped...we shape each other as we wait..pressing onto each other our myraid edges and curves..

we shape each other even before He has begun and when our time comes..He might take one look into what you have become during the wait and shake His head....sigh and say..."Recycle"
A Critic's View of Neo's Creations

*&^%$ alias 'Neo' is a self-centric writer.
He never seems to get out of his inherent disability
to see beyond his tiny little View Window. Most of his
creations have a dark, spell-binding effect, however
applicable to introverts only, who share a similar
attitude towards life.

If you try to read any of his so called
poems/writings, you can see that He is not at all
focussed.
Infact, he takes an escapist attempt whenever he is
cornered in his own blunderous jargon of words.
For example, whenever he tries to go beyond a certain
break point while trying to emphasis on an idea, the
technique he uses is to suddenly switch to an entirely
new idea/concept.. like say when talking about a
desert, he tries to plant an orchid in the middle of
an ocean and bla bla ..

Though one may argue that it brings in some amount of
beautiful surprises, at times it sounds too crazy and
beats its effect by making it too predictable. Neo is
a totally imbalanced writer, playing around with the
words he learnt till his 8th standard.

If that is a poet's right.. well fine, anyone can be a
poet. Neo's greatest success is that he has a loyal
following of friends, who try to interpret his crap in
multiple ways.. and thereby bringing an entire
spectrum of meanings for his writings.

Thus, he just needs to plant a seed of thought, which
will be further interpreted by his friends, who are so
intelligent that they think of it a something too
good, or having many different meanings thereby
increasing the "universality" of his writings.

What his friends donot realize is that if they wish,
they could write better stuff than neo himself, for
they are better off with ideas and focus than Neo
himself.

Yet another crazy gimmick that neo uses in his
writings is to give exotic prologues and dates to give
it an authentic look .. eg: "Czech Rehabilation
Centre, July 14,1981"... Though this did work at times
as people though it be authentically a work by someone
at rehabilition centre , and not neo's.. the
repetitive use of such gimmicks is irritating.

I would like to conclude by saying Neo is an average
writer .. trying to live on other people's
interpretations of his "game with 8th standard
vocabulary."

N.B. Nihas doesnt post it so i do.
zeus

Saturday, August 23, 2003

Today i am happy
and happy i am
for i felt real grief
after all these days of pseudo grief
when i searched in darkness
for the very reason
For today somebody stabbed me
Right here in my heart
and it felt so sweet
to feel the real stuff
I just wanted to share it with you
My happy mind floating in grief

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Neo's Test Blog!

Pesticide or Pespicide!
Whatever it be... i feel that i can better manage Irritating Guys/Gals around me if i have an ounce of PEPSI (better known as Pespicide now) in me tummy!

Monday, August 11, 2003

BLOGGER
i am really enjoying solitude here
no real friends
only sweet colleagues
and the world looks like a movie to me
and by that i mean unresponsive
i see the same scenes every day
but then there are surprises
and in the boring watch
even a slight change does count
i have my whole time to watch the details
but still i miss some
and i move on
without a beacon to guide me

Thursday, August 07, 2003

Vision

A sculptor by his block of stone,
tools of trade by his side.
Waits to wake the spirit within the stone
and fill himself with foolish pride.

To show the world what all can see,
if only we chose not to hide.
The genius is not his, to own.
The masterpiece, not his bride.
Strings Attached

Tied we are by strings so fine
We don't feel them and how they bind
Try moving far and they become chains
Yanking you back to the ground again.

I broke them once to set me free
But lonliness won't let me be
So I crawl back into my hell
Inside a happy gaudy cell.

Welcome faces greet me
Binding me fresh, with love and twine
Homecoming hero, I am
A new sentence, I do time.

Things I think I cannot speak
Of hate and sorrow my spirit reeks
Cannot find peace, Can't stop thoughts
Without my chains, I am lost.
SPRITUALITY AND MAN

Each man is born due to a biochemical reaction involing two cells who got to know each other, after some credible effort from their owners. Each man dies leaving a few million cells as manure....or ashes if you are a Hindu.

Somewhere along this way he assumes several baggage and burden, borne till his deathbed. Some he even believes will go on even after he is dead. One such thing, believed through diverse cultures and countries, is the "SOUL".

Mark the double apostrophe.
Yes, soul.
An intangible, unquantifiable quantity/quality....

BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!

Yes that sums up the purpose of the soul for human existence. Or for the existence of life in general. But man is obsessed with his own superiority. So much so that he made god in his self image. He had to be above the teeming million lifeforms that swarmed his planet. So he named his unnameables "soul", "spirit"....Blah Blah

So called "soul-searching" takes place when the irrational hopes to defeat the rational, when the illogical applies to defy the logical. There are even people who claim that animals have souls...and so do plants ( thanks to J.C.Bose). WHY?!!!!

What did those poor animals and plants do to be dragged down to be at par with the scum of this earth? INSANE?

Live life. Fuck your soul.
Don't give a shit about what happens after you die, when you can't give a damn about how you live!!!!
Marionettes

What wretched puppets we are
Tied in chains, we choose not to see.

What silly fools we are
Ignorance keeping our senses free

A prison for the mind
You can't smell, see or touch

The keys you may find
But not freedom as such.
A Day in Mumbai

Life is such that I take the time I find inside crowded buses and more crowded trains to unleash the words hidden in my thoughts.
The first thing i did inside my first bus after nearly a month, was check if there was a bomb under my seat.........

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

DOORS

lock out this world for just this night.

i can't share this beauty,this personal sight.

a heart,bleeding and stripped off pretense,

asks to be shared, asks a lowering of defence.

share with me moments stolen from time's hands,

time held frozen in shifting sands.

time we stole from this busy world,

with reasons that must be untold.

for i don't believe, they'll ever understand,

what it means, to have upon my heart, your hand.

why words don't matter when eyes speak with love and tears,

eyes that shield me from my demons, and my fears.

eyes that look with beauty, deep.

eyes that close and put me to sleep.

wishing i could be a single breathe you take,

even if i am sent away in a soulful sigh you make.

the few moments that i linger, i'll always cherish

granted this feeling is evanescent and it'll perish.

but i can't let the world see me,they'd never understand

that when you touch me, i feel it like my own hand.

Poem by bala.

Saturday, May 24, 2003

DIGITAL DIVIDE

The axe was taller than her but
when she gripped it she felt she could wield it.
Raising it was not that difficult but when it hit the
asphalt she redefined her views of pain. A split
second later a crack larger than the one she just dug
up on asphalt rocked her head. But when she knew that
the tiny crack she made is going to pave way for a new
information highway in her country and is going to
raise our crisil ratings she passed out in exctacy.

Monday, May 19, 2003

Yesterday's Dream.

------------------
* The Recollection of Yesterday's Dream (May 19 ) as Truly as Possible.
* MEGA SERIAL !

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

14 July , 2010 .
Trivandrum.



I was driving home a little early that day , 7 pm . Like every other husband of my age , i too was thinking of , about my beautiful wife who would be at the door , waiting for me ... its nice to dream , even though you know its not going to happen and the scenes on the road were not going to wake me up. The drive was fairly occupying , even with a pretty new car , music and chilling air condition . The road before me presented the same old scenes , which once used to thrill me , when i used to cruise at break neck speeds on my Pulsar ; The busying officers , managing their cell phones and steering in all haught , and their occasional bruises with the autorickshaws , that little beggar who would jump in front of the mercedes and look bedazzled at the neon lamp of the car or the screeching brakes , the pot holes and the frog families that breeded therein , the ordinary working women , who were waiting for their beloved ones' scooters ......
I pulled over at the garage. This colony , called "Paradise", was the most sought after one in the whole city. There were all kinds of people here, engineers, doctors, TV artists , politicians , and the best among the most influentials . ( Thinking , how i got in there ? ). Like most colonies here , you are not supposed to know , even your immediate neighbour. If anybody has any account on who lives where , it would be the laundry man , or the Asianet Cable Connection guy. Many couldnt really afford living here , but for that "status" sake , they were ready to do away with a day's meal to be a part of " PARADISE COLONY ". Such was its name.
On the doorway , there was perfect silence , another aspect of this colony , nothing goes out/in unless you wish. Thats why politicians prefer this place. I rang the door bell , a brown eye looked up ...
" nay! it wasnt her ... "
The maid opened the door . I proceeded silently to my room. She came up and said " saar , the food is on the table , i am leaving " as always.

I laid on the bed and closed my eyes. I dont know how long. I woke up and reached out for the remote and pressed 1. There she was ... on the stage , that same smile on her face , when i had first seen her. She is moving towards the center of the stage to receive some award. She bows to get the blessings of the renowned singer. she is wearing a black saree and the diamonds on her neck are glittering . she moves up to the podium and says ... " Thanks ... " . camera turns around to show hundreds of her fans screaming and shouting at the farther end of the stage , back at the nearer end ,there are those distinguished guests of the glamour industry, who are just smiling and clapping their hands.
" thanks once again , for the trust you have had in me,... without you all , i wouldnt be here ... " . As always , she never spoke too much , just enough, to stir that curiosity , admiration , or whatever in the onlooker. She proceeds to take her seat at the front row, beside her male counterpart. While , they are exchanging pleasantries , the camera flashes never seem to stop. Nobody would say she is a mother , or even 29. what ? ,,, must be just 19. she always took pains to hide her age ,be it the special excersices in the wee hours of the morning or that sour cocktails of all vegetables. The results are visible , in her form, her grace and elegance .
She was a natural winner , wherever she went , whatever she did. Showbiz was only a natural extension of her immense dancing and acting capabilities. She never seemed to get tired of rehearsing and re-rehearsing . She was a perfectionist , not only in stage appearances , but in all walks of life . She held a position beside the rank holder in academics , she had friends among all circles , she was this one pleasing characters , whom everyone wished to be with. Yet , she was never haughty . She loved children and was always a listener , she had this inborn talent to bring smiles upon the onlookers. She was the finest being of the opposite sex, i had ever met in my life. And thats why i fell in love with her when i was 20. I never expected her to be my life partner. But it all happened as a part of what we call destiny. Only that it was a little humorous this time.
I still dont know what she found , interesting , in me , that she said " yes " to me. Often , i used to think, our amount of acquaintance was too little to be judged deep love, or a life long commitment. But , yet , when the time came , we had each other for support. She has been a really good wife. She has never tried to impose anything on me , rather , we were able to give each other , comfortable spaces . Often , she would behave more maturely than me , at times of distress , particulary associated with living an independant life and defying parents . She and I have been able to understand each other perfectly. We would confide in each other , everything in our lives ( almost ). The only thing that confuses me , is what she found so special in me , at such short notice , that she gained the courage to stand up against her parents for me.
She is a well known personality today , leading actress , dancer , social activist , the list is almost never ending , like her capabilities. If there is anything , she is not well versed with, it is cooking. The best she can try and do is a sambar. I've never thought , there is something wrong about that , who says cooking is all for wives ? Since , i , too was not well versed in this art , and because we soon got fed up of hotels , the only viable option was ... a maid.
When i passed out of College of Engineering , Trivandrum , in July 2003 , there were three ways before me ; i could go for higher studies , join hundreds others in " job hunting " , or still chase this crazy dream of making it big in the film world. There were two things that troubled me here , one was , like everybody else , what my family was expecting of me ? and the other , for the lucky/unlucky few of us ( consider it either way ) , whats going to happen to my one year old love story ? Unlike me , she knew exactly what she was going to do. She would work in the company she was placed via campus placement , and also excel in the showbiz field - TV and Film. By this time, she had enough stage/TV appearances that this was possible.
3 years down the line , she was a professional artist in TV and Film media and I a government employee. For her , it was a simple transition , she gave up her job after a lot or reluctance and persuasion , to focus on her media career. For me, it was a roller coaster ride , I joined for Master's , got a job in the middle , so gave up studies , and one fine morning was thrown out of Job, ended right on the road, and then made it up as a Teacher , got a little project at Television - short films, documentary, ads ... by this time i couldnt concentrate on Tech Teaching any more. This was really the best part of our lives , we were working in the same field , but that wasnt to last, soon , in a matter of a few years , my works were labelled unimaginative and repetitive , and you know how disastrous that can be .... in a few months time, i found myself in a completely alien situation , a government job. It was only because of her ,that i was able to survive such sudden career transitions in my life. If she had not been with me in those trying situations , i would not have made it. We helped each other in those trying situations , like the best of friends.
My mother was the only person in my family who accepted her,she would make frequent phone calls and inquire about us. Her mother , too used to call , but would only talk to her. After some time , she couldnt help it and she told her mother , not to call if she couldnt accept me. This made her mother talk to me , but her voice lacked any genuine affection. If i ever felt the loneliness of not having a family , it was when she was pregnant. All her friends , and mine were there with all the time , but still , we felt we were missing something. During those days , lying in my arms , she would say about the kind of honour a pregnant woman receives in her family , and then it would be my turn to say about the same in our family . Soon all the talk, would come to one final sentence .. "we , have each other ". When she was taken to the labour room , and i felt helpless like never before , i prayed to god to protect our love. The next morning , when i kissed her forehead , i told her " i will never let you be alone like this again " , and she replied " Let our love not be divided , lets give it to all to our daughter ".
My daughter was not like her mother, rather she was a shy girl. She had simple requests and was often content with what she had. She loved us a lot, but didnt know how to show it. And because her mother, was busy with her work all the time , i was more than a father to her. If i would say anything against my wife, its here. Amidst her busy schedules, she has forgotten our child. I cant believe that she loves our child as she claims to be, because, she doesnt understand her anymore.
As days passed, I and my daughter , really began to miss her , at our dinner tables, at our little joys , at almost everything . But she , would rush to us , whenever , time permitted. She was fast climbing the steps of stardom and moving farther away from us. Yet , once in may be months , when she would be with us at home , she would try in every way to behave like an ordinary mother , a loving wife . Many a times , she would explain , passing her finger through the sleeping child's hair " its for us , why else would i strive so much ? ". I would look at her sleeping tired face. I couldnt understand, what was making her do all this ? is it for us or is it because she wants to be in that world of glamour . I never came to know. There she was , sleeping like a child , right beside me. I cannot think of anything wrong about her at this time. All my frustration and anger gets subsided , once she comes running home , hugs me and cries.
But slowly, i began to realise , she was changing , she was adapting to the fast pace of the industry. she was learning to act in life. Showbiz was becoming an indespensable part of her life. There were always new challenges before her and everybody looked upon her to do it.
Once , i happened to get really cross with one of her friends , who insisted upon waking her up from her sleep, because the crew was waiting. When she came to know about it, she apologized to her friend, but never spoke anything against me. It was as if she could never say anything against me. My actions were justified in her eyes and her in mine. One look , and we could understand each other's mood so perfectly. Yet , i didnt know , why this gap was building between us. It seemed that after the birth of our child , she had become more focussed on her career. The interval between her visits home now extended upto months.
It was during such a prolonged interval that it happened. I was on heavy medicine , and i was almost like a drugged travolta. Sigh! this whole day , i have been sleeping and watching TV , quite rare for me. At about 2 pm, our maid came home. She proceeded to cleaning jobs. I was lying on the sofa and was half asleep and half watching the TV. I was in a kind of dream world. All i was thinking was her , my wife. The good times we had together .. when we couldnt even part for a moment. There she is in front of me. She is looking into my eyes now . Yes , she has come back for me atlast. I slowly got up and went near her. Yes, she is looking at me , the same way , she looked at me , during our first night. I embraced her. She didnt respond and was just remaining as such. When i withdrew my arms , she was standing there like a statue, her chin tilted up and eyes closed , as if she was waiting .... i kissed lightly on her lips and then we lost our balance and fell on to the sofa...
As if i had a jolt , i woke up and saw our maid lying on the sofa, her eyes still closed. I got up suddenly. She opened her eyes and looked at me. Oh my god! what had i done? I rushed out of the room. She was still looking at me surprised. I still couldnt make it out , whether it all had been a dream or reality. After a while , i returned home. The maid was preparing to leave. " saar, the food is on the table , i am leaving " , she said as usual. I still couldnt make it out whether it all had happened . I called out to her and said " I am sorry .. " , " excuse me, for what sir ? ", she asked. I couldnt sleep that night. I kept tossing and turning in my bed , thinking of what had happened. For three days , i didnt go to office. But our maid , behaved the same way as before , and i couldnt ask her anything more. After a few days , my wife came home.
In a few moments time , she noticed that something was not right with me. She came near me and asked. I skipped the topic a few times, and tried to pretend nothing was wrong. My mind was in turmoil all the time. Late that night, i was in the balcony , unable to do away with the tension in my mind. After some time , she came there and stood beside me. She came near me , looked into my eyes. I had never seen her , worried like this before. she said " I cant bear to see you troubled , wont you allow me to share your pain ? ". I couldnt hold on any longer. I had to get this burden off my mind. I told her what had happened.
" .... i kissed and hugged her ..... i still cant believe i did it .. " , i was crying at that time. she placed her hand over my mouth and said " enough ... ". I couldnt read her eyes at that moment. She was crying and hugged me and said " it never happened ". The next day, she persuaded me to go to office . She made me a good breakfast.
Now ,i am driving home .Its 7 pm , a little bit early. I rang the bell , and the door opened. There she is, my wife with a smile on her face. My daughter came running to me calling out " papa ". There , in the sitting room , my parents and hers are waiting for me. They came forward to meet me. Yes, my family is just like an ordinary family. We all had dinner together. After that , we had a chat for sometime. Yes, everyone had accepted us. Everyone had forgotten the past. I just cant believe this wonder has happened. She is so happy at all this. She is attending to everyone. In the middle of our joy filled chat , her mother asked " are you sure you want to quit acting ? " , to which she replied " yes ". I just cant believe this. What all has happened ?
That night we , i and she , talked for a long time. I asked her why she had quit acting. She replied " i can lose anything in my life , but i cant lose you ". It was her decision , and though i tried to convince her that she neednt do this , she said that her greatest joy is our family. she said that she didnt want anything , but to be with me , till the end. Every moment in our life , there has been something to cherish , we have only understood each other better than before , found out how much we love each other , and what it means to be together , together in every moment , in every place , in every sense .









------------------- uncompleted work.
by neo

Monday, April 28, 2003

sacrifice

Sacrifice

everyone wishes to sacrifice,,,,
to find a meaning for his/her life...
because there is a joy in sacrifice..
a joy to know that you are destroying yourself
to save somebody else ....
everybody wishes to feel great in his minds court..
there he is alone... and he is not haughty...
he is his plain simple self... and wants just one thing
a reason for living... a reason for his existence..
some find it in the form of love....
some find it as money...
some pledge themselves to their families...
some drown in drugs..
some just fold unto themselves and shut the world out...
some just keep on writing something like this...
ultimately.. its all a quest ... an attempt.. to understand..
the the meaning of life.....
by neo

Yesterday's Dream.

------------------
* The Recollection of Yesterday's Dream (May 19 ) as Truly as Possible.
* MEGA SERIAL !

_____________________________________________________________________
14 July , 2010 .
Trivandrum.



I was driving home a little early that day , 7 pm . Like every other husband of my age , i too was thinking of , about my beautiful wife who would be at the door , waiting for me ... its nice to dream , even though you know its not going to happen and the scenes on the road were not going to wake me up. The drive was fairly occupying , even with a pretty new car , music and chilling air condition . The road before me presented the same old scenes , which once used to thrill me , when i used to cruise at break neck speeds on my Pulsar ; The busying officers , managing their cell phones and steering in all haught , and their occasional bruises with the autorickshaws , that little beggar who would jump in front of the mercedes and look bedazzled at the neon lamp of the car or the screeching brakes , the pot holes and the frog families that breeded therein , the ordinary working women , who were waiting for their beloved ones' scooters ......
I pulled over at the garage. This colony , called "Paradise", was the most sought after one in the whole city. There were all kinds of people here, engineers, doctors, TV artists , politicians , and the best among the most influentials . ( Thinking , how i got in there ? ). Like most colonies here , you are not supposed to know , even your immediate neighbour. If anybody has any account on who lives where , it would be the laundry man , or the Asianet Cable Connection guy. Many couldnt really afford living here , but for that "status" sake , they were ready to do away with a day's meal to be a part of " PARADISE COLONY ". Such was its name.
On the doorway , there was perfect silence , another aspect of this colony , nothing goes out/in unless you wish. Thats why politicians prefer this place. I rang the door bell , a brown eye looked up ...
" nay! it wasnt her ... "
The maid opened the door . I proceeded silently to my room. She came up and said " saar , the food is on the table , i am leaving " as always.

I laid on the bed and closed my eyes. I dont know how long. I woke up and reached out for the remote and pressed 1. There she was ... on the stage , that same smile on her face , when i had first seen her. She is moving towards the center of the stage to receive some award. She bows to get the blessings of the renowned singer. she is wearing a black saree and the diamonds on her neck are glittering . she moves up to the podium and says ... " Thanks ... " . camera turns around to show hundreds of her fans screaming and shouting at the farther end of the stage , back at the nearer end ,there are those distinguished guests of the glamour industry, who are just smiling and clapping their hands.
" thanks once again , for the trust you have had in me,... without you all , i wouldnt be here ... " . As always , she never spoke too much , just enough, to stir that curiosity , admiration , or whatever in the onlooker. She proceeds to take her seat at the front row, beside her male counterpart. While , they are exchanging pleasantries , the camera flashes never seem to stop. Nobody would say she is a mother , or even 29. what ? ,,, must be just 19. she always took pains to hide her age ,be it the special excersices in the wee hours of the morning or that sour cocktails of all vegetables. The results are visible , in her form, her grace and elegance .
She was a natural winner , wherever she went , whatever she did. Showbiz was only a natural extension of her immense dancing and acting capabilities. She never seemed to get tired of rehearsing and re-rehearsing . She was a perfectionist , not only in stage appearances , but in all walks of life . She held a position beside the rank holder in academics , she had friends among all circles , she was this one pleasing characters , whom everyone wished to be with. Yet , she was never haughty . She loved children and was always a listener , she had this inborn talent to bring smiles upon the onlookers. She was the finest being of the opposite sex, i had ever met in my life. And thats why i fell in love with her when i was 20. I never expected her to be my life partner. But it all happened as a part of what we call destiny. Only that it was a little humorous this time.
I still dont know what she found , interesting , in me , that she said " yes " to me. Often , i used to think, our amount of acquaintance was too little to be judged deep love, or a life long commitment. But , yet , when the time came , we had each other for support. She has been a really good wife. She has never tried to impose anything on me , rather , we were able to give each other , comfortable spaces . Often , she would behave more maturely than me , at times of distress , particulary associated with living an independant life and defying parents . She and I have been able to understand each other perfectly. We would confide in each other , everything in our lives ( almost ). The only thing that confuses me , is what she found so special in me , at such short notice , that she gained the courage to stand up against her parents for me.
She is a well known personality today , leading actress , dancer , social activist , the list is almost never ending , like her capabilities. If there is anything , she is not well versed with, it is cooking. The best she can try and do is a sambar. I've never thought , there is something wrong about that , who says cooking is all for wives ? Since , i , too was not well versed in this art , and because we soon got fed up of hotels , the only viable option was ... a maid.
When i passed out of College of Engineering , Trivandrum , in July 2003 , there were three ways before me ; i could go for higher studies , join hundreds others in " job hunting " , or still chase this crazy dream of making it big in the film world. There were two things that troubled me here , one was , like everybody else , what my family was expecting of me ? and the other , for the lucky/unlucky few of us ( consider it either way ) , whats going to happen to my one year old love story ? Unlike me , she knew exactly what she was going to do. She would work in the company she was placed via campus placement , and also excel in the showbiz field - TV and Film. By this time, she had enough stage/TV appearances that this was possible.
3 years down the line , she was a professional artist in TV and Film media and I a government employee. For her , it was a simple transition , she gave up her job after a lot or reluctance and persuasion , to focus on her media career. For me, it was a roller coaster ride , I joined for Master's , got a job in the middle , so gave up studies , and one fine morning was thrown out of Job, ended right on the road, and then made it up as a Teacher , got a little project at Television - short films, documentary, ads ... by this time i couldnt concentrate on Tech Teaching any more. This was really the best part of our lives , we were working in the same field , but that wasnt to last, soon , in a matter of a few years , my works were labelled unimaginative and repetitive , and you know how disastrous that can be .... in a few months time, i found myself in a completely alien situation , a government job. It was only because of her ,that i was able to survive such sudden career transitions in my life. If she had not been with me in those trying situations , i would not have made it. We helped each other in those trying situations , like the best of friends.
My mother was the only person in my family who accepted her,she would make frequent phone calls and inquire about us. Her mother , too used to call , but would only talk to her. After some time , she couldnt help it and she told her mother , not to call if she couldnt accept me. This made her mother talk to me , but her voice lacked any genuine affection. If i ever felt the loneliness of not having a family , it was when she was pregnant. All her friends , and mine were there with all the time , but still , we felt we were missing something. During those days , lying in my arms , she would say about the kind of honour a pregnant woman receives in her family , and then it would be my turn to say about the same in our family . Soon all the talk, would come to one final sentence .. "we , have each other ". When she was taken to the labour room , and i felt helpless like never before , i prayed to god to protect our love. The next morning , when i kissed her forehead , i told her " i will never let you be alone like this again " , and she replied " Let our love not be divided , lets give it to all to our daughter ".
My daughter was not like her mother, rather she was a shy girl. She had simple requests and was often content with what she had. She loved us a lot, but didnt know how to show it. And because her mother, was busy with her work all the time , i was more than a father to her. If i would say anything against my wife, its here. Amidst her busy schedules, she has forgotten our child. I cant believe that she loves our child as she claims to be, because, she doesnt understand her anymore.
As days passed, I and my daughter , really began to miss her , at our dinner tables, at our little joys , at almost everything . But she , would rush to us , whenever , time permitted. She was fast climbing the steps of stardom and moving farther away from us. Yet , once in may be months , when she would be with us at home , she would try in every way to behave like an ordinary mother , a loving wife . Many a times , she would explain , passing her finger through the sleeping child's hair " its for us , why else would i strive so much ? ". I would look at her sleeping tired face. I couldnt understand, what was making her do all this ? is it for us or is it because she wants to be in that world of glamour . I never came to know. There she was , sleeping like a child , right beside me. I cannot think of anything wrong about her at this time. All my frustration and anger gets subsided , once she comes running home , hugs me and cries.
But slowly, i began to realise , she was changing , she was adapting to the fast pace of the industry. she was learning to act in life. Showbiz was becoming an indespensable part of her life. There were always new challenges before her and everybody looked upon her to do it.
Once , i happened to get really cross with one of her friends , who insisted upon waking her up from her sleep, because the crew was waiting. When she came to know about it, she apologized to her friend, but never spoke anything against me. It was as if she could never say anything against me. My actions were justified in her eyes and her in mine. One look , and we could understand each other's mood so perfectly. Yet , i didnt know , why this gap was building between us. It seemed that after the birth of our child , she had become more focussed on her career. The interval between her visits home now extended upto months.
It was during such a prolonged interval that it happened. I was on heavy medicine , and i was almost like a drugged travolta. Sigh! this whole day , i have been sleeping and watching TV , quite rare for me. At about 2 pm, our maid came home. She proceeded to cleaning jobs. I was lying on the sofa and was half asleep and half watching the TV. I was in a kind of dream world. All i was thinking was her , my wife. The good times we had together .. when we couldnt even part for a moment. There she is in front of me. She is looking into my eyes now . Yes , she has come back for me atlast. I slowly got up and went near her. Yes, she is looking at me , the same way , she looked at me , during our first night. I embraced her. She didnt respond and was just remaining as such. When i withdrew my arms , she was standing there like a statue, her chin tilted up and eyes closed , as if she was waiting .... i kissed lightly on her lips and then we lost our balance and fell on to the sofa...
As if i had a jolt , i woke up and saw our maid lying on the sofa, her eyes still closed. I got up suddenly. She opened her eyes and looked at me. Oh my god! what had i done? I rushed out of the room. She was still looking at me surprised. I still couldnt make it out , whether it all had been a dream or reality. After a while , i returned home. The maid was preparing to leave. " saar, the food is on the table , i am leaving " , she said as usual. I still couldnt make it out whether it all had happened . I called out to her and said " I am sorry .. " , " excuse me, for what sir ? ", she asked. I couldnt sleep that night. I kept tossing and turning in my bed , thinking of what had happened. For three days , i didnt go to office. But our maid , behaved the same way as before , and i couldnt ask her anything more. After a few days , my wife came home.
In a few moments time , she noticed that something was not right with me. She came near me and asked. I skipped the topic a few times, and tried to pretend nothing was wrong. My mind was in turmoil all the time. Late that night, i was in the balcony , unable to do away with the tension in my mind. After some time , she came there and stood beside me. She came near me , looked into my eyes. I had never seen her , worried like this before. she said " I cant bear to see you troubled , wont you allow me to share your pain ? ". I couldnt hold on any longer. I had to get this burden off my mind. I told her what had happened.
" .... i kissed and hugged her ..... i still cant believe i did it .. " , i was crying at that time. she placed her hand over my mouth and said " enough ... ". I couldnt read her eyes at that moment. She was crying and hugged me and said " it never happened ". The next day, she persuaded me to go to office . She made me a good breakfast.
Now ,i am driving home .Its 7 pm , a little bit early. I rang the bell , and the door opened. There she is, my wife with a smile on her face. My daughter came running to me calling out " papa ". There , in the sitting room , my parents and hers are waiting for me. They came forward to meet me. Yes, my family is just like an ordinary family. We all had dinner together. After that , we had a chat for sometime. Yes, everyone had accepted us. Everyone had forgotten the past. I just cant believe this wonder has happened. She is so happy at all this. She is attending to everyone. In the middle of our joy filled chat , her mother asked " are you sure you want to quit acting ? " , to which she replied " yes ". I just cant believe this. What all has happened ?
That night we , i and she , talked for a long time. I asked her why she had quit acting. She replied " i can lose anything in my life , but i cant lose you ". It was her decision , and though i tried to convince her that she neednt do this , she said that her greatest joy is our family. she said that she didnt want anything , but to be with me , till the end. Every moment in our life , there has been something to cherish , we have only understood each other better than before , found out how much we love each other , and what it means to be together , together in every moment , in every place , in every sense .









------------------- uncompleted work.
by neo