Thursday, December 29, 2005

dead dreams and the comatose ones

That was my thought yesterday. Even composed a hideous poem on that. It would have been a sad thought, but i no longer feel that way about such things. I thought of the simple dreams that gives me joy all the time, and i see them dying in my mind, systematically, instead of getting full filled. I know there are a huge number of them, and the worst part is that the dead are easily forgotten. The movie wayward cloud, kinda touched me in the inside, since it brought back the memories of a dead dream and another one which is on the way to death, in a comma. Dead cannnot be revived but the ones in comma like the second one gets alive in such situations. I came out of the theatre so happy because of that, while the other people were kinda disturbed by the climax scenes.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

wayward cloud (explicit graphic content - so careful)

Acute water shortage. No water to bath or clean yourself. Mineral water costlier than watermelons and so water melons form the mood of the city. The scene showing a bunch of water melons floating down the drainage canal.

The Girl
The quintessential and so lovely oriental girl. Always wearing simple or skimpy clothes. Steals bottles of water from every where and stacks them up in her apartment.
Walks with the watermelon inside her dress like a pregnant woman and later gives birth to the water melon. The scene is a treasure.

The Guy
Makes a living by acting in porno movies. Has a mid movie crisis when his member stops rising to the occasions. Helps the girl in getting her key back, which was lost and found inside a newly tarred road. Falls in love with the girl. Shows us his talents in fishing out the lost mineral water top from a coactorsÂ’ body.

Interactions between the guy and girl.
The girl sitting in a chair, the guy lying down on the floor, a puff of smoke from the boys mouth caresses the girls feet.
The camera showing the leg level of the kitchen. The girl standing on a inverted bucket trying to get the live crabs which are spilled on the floor back to the boiling water. Hilarious. And the guy helps her in the mission.
Keeps staring at each other. Silent interactions.Girl giggling. Uninhibited happiness in each others company.

Tense moments
When the theatre is filled with hundreds of men, and we are seeing the shooting of a hardcore porn movie on the big screen, obviously there is a lot of tension in the air. Hundreds of erections.

Water on the erections
When they continues the shooting with the unconscious woman actor(may be because of thirst) in different poses, with the guy showing his stamina, and with the girl as the witness. The scene leads to the climax which is unexplainable and I am not spoiling it.

Maddest climax and an original movie :)

Monday, December 26, 2005


B.M.I (Body Mass Index) : 23.9 Ideal: 20-25
Fat Index: 17.9% Ideal: 10.2%-20.8%
Fat Mass: 12.3kg Ideal: 7.0kg-14.3kg
Blood Pressure: 132/84 mmHg Ideal: upto 140/90 mmHg
Pulses: 72 ppm (true saint ;-)

Also, we are soon closing on the upper limit/barrier.
So, This is the best time of our lives. Hallelujah! and Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

An Unzipped zipper and series of Unfortunate Events.

Cough .. Cough cough cough ..
Thick clot of brown mucous on the white basin.. Nicely foiled in white froth ...
zhleeeee .... that long scrowl had sent a tornado up my sinus...
Yeah.. that was a chisseled piece of my brain .. alright ..
just waiting to be flushed.

i darted out of the bathroom and i crashed onto something .. iron ? zzzuup ..
when i woke up, i had to use my hands to ward off the fly sitting on my nose ..
the fan was rotating ... no revolving ..
"am i dead ?"
morpheus appeared from nowhere and said "Far from it .."

i hopped out of my first floor bunk bed ... and there it lie ...
the black.. unzipped .. leather jacket ...
of my laptop ofcourse ... "unzipped" is something which the elements had hidden from me..
it was already late and i pulled out the lappy from over the bed ..
crraaak .. boom .. there she lie ... my acer travelmate 6003 .. with her LCD cracked!
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeks !

my room mates panicked .. i didnot
i gently picked up the beauty , put her back in the leather jacket .. zipped ... and went straight to office.
went right up to my boss and said "boss, the LCD is cracked ".
"log a call .." , aah! that pleasant smile ...
"will they pay for it ?" , or am i gonna shell out 19k outta my pocket .... ? Wait and see ......

That morning i woke up hearing the loudest screach ever !!
i couldnt put my feet on the floor .. it was too cold ..
so i put the sheets down first and then stood up.. went over to the window ..
it was from my neighbours house ..
the originator of the screach was none other than 7yr old lad, culprit of all broken windows..
anyway, by the time i reached there .. it was a horrible sight !
his wee wee stuck in the zip ?! yikes . .ouch ! meow .. i ran away, like everyone else!
didnt know what to do .........

skelt , long hooha came into the room and jumped and sat on the bed!
yikes! ... somebody had kept the the razor on the bed ..
and aa! his right butt opened up like a good book and blood oozing ?!
he got it stiched alright.. had to shit with one leg straight, while balancing on the other!
man! what a sight that would be ?

All incidents are truly authentic! Not one fig of imagination!

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Two of Two

Resource One was summoned for a root cause analysis meeting on Monday morning. When he made his way to the meeting room. It was already darkened and Resource Allocator One had begun his drone already. As R1 stepped in RA1 was in mid-sentence, "...Leveraging existing funtionalities". Or maybe it was "functioning existing leverages". Or even "existing leverage functionalities". It didn't matter as nothing ever does. RA1 caustically observed- "So nice of you to have joined us. We were in the middle of A Causal Analysis of Defect Leakage in Post-Production Scenarios. What are your thoughts on this?" R1, blinked once. There was no response from RA1. All 8 eyes in the room fixed on him. Expectant as if their salvation would pass through R1's lips.

R1 blinked again. Slower and steadier, praying that RA1 would take the subtle hint and move on. RA1 acknowledged the hint but allowed R1 to wallow in his own misery before saying the magic words, "Moving on..."
R1 sat down in the farthest point hoping to melt into the darkness the room offered. His lazy eyes settled on R3. She was at her Monday morning best. With Performance Reviews around the corner, R3 was at her best. Dressing sharp, nominating herself for the "Leadership Training Program", "Journeys in attitude", "Cross Cultural Adaptability" and what not. During all these blissful forays, her work was reallocated to R1. R1 wanted to hate her and squeeze her slender neck till she went bug-eyed. But couldn't bring himself to think these thoughts.

R3 was hot.

Somewhere in an unrelated recess of his brain R1 saw the words "HALO EFFECT" scrawled on a black board. R1 blinked and the image was gone. He blinked again. Slowly this time. Now the image was getting clearer. It was not a picture anymore. It was moving. It spoke to him...In Jim Carrey's Ace Ventura voice "It's Ha-Live!!!!" Then the same voice added a cautionary note "Warning - @ssholes in the mirror are closer than they appear"

RA1's shrill voice boomed into the frame, "R1 are you nodding off again?". R1 quickly recovered and said "No I was just contemplating the effect of the code-sync up on the latency issues in Production and what bearing it might have on the current discussion" RA1 paused trying to asses if what he just heard was a reasonable explanation to the question that he had asked. Having got no concrete evidence to the contrary, RA1 let it pass and said in his customary storyteller voice, "Moving on..." R1 took out his glasses and put them on. He knew that with the projector images dancing on them RA1 had no way of knowing whether he was asleep or awake. He went back.

Now the Jim Carrey's voice was replaced by some anonymous voice on a radio which spoke to him, variously distorted by static and gunshots.
"Mission Control to Rambo. Mission Control to Rambo. Do you copy over?"
RA1 replied "Rambo to Mission Control. I Copy. I also Paste if necessary. Over"
"Rambo your mission parameters have been reassessed. Terminate Mark with extreme prejudice. Over"
"I am out of ammo. Requisition immediate backup and supplies. Over"
"Negative. Use all necessary force to complete mission. Radio Mission Control upon achieving Mission Objectives. Over and out"

Rambo squatted in the sewage pit behind the POW camp. It stank. But he had other things to think about. How to kill the POW camp superintendent. This was going to get ugly, he thought grimly as he unsheathed his Green Beret Bayonet and crawled under the booby-trapped barbed wires, carefully keeping the hair triggers on the grenades quiet as he moved. The Camp Superintendent was taking stock of the camp. He only had his orderlies handing him his morning Coffee at exactly 100 degrees Fahrenheit, as he demanded. Quietly and quickly Rambo sprinted across the courtyard and before the superintendent could respond. He seized him by his incongruous neck-tie and strangled him. It was quiet. He pulled the limp body and nailed the neck-tie to the door with his bayonet. As the Superintendent's guard detail arrived, they stared in horror at our shit-encrusted hero as he said "Let this be a warning to you. Let my men go".

Even as RA1 writhed about trying to free his obscenely expensive Van Heusen Tie from the incongruous and atrociously cheap ball-point pen that fixed it to the drawing board above him, RA1 heard himself say, "Let my people go" to an open mouthed R3 and the rest of her coterie. R1 walked out of the conference hall. He could have sworn that he heard the Terminator theme music in the hallways. He began walking to his cubicle in slow motion.

Friday, December 09, 2005

One Of Two

Camp Six. Location - classified. Mission parameters - vague. Assets in place - Delta One & Delta Two. Hostile Elements - Naked tribals armed with poison arrow tipped blowpipes. Standing orders - Do not use hostile force until forced into combat when reduced to minority against Hostile elements.

Delta One woke up with a start to the sound of buzzing insects. He picked up his rifle loaded with rubber bullets. He walked up to Delta Two in the Gaurd Tower. Delta Two was sleeping too. One kicked Two in the shins and said, "Wake up, Shit watch." Two stirred awake and picked up his rifle and army-issue insect repellent tube. The two walked to the clearing behind the camp perimeter. One tossed a coin to decide who would go first. It was One's turn today as well.

One squeezed out a generous helping of the insect repellent before pulling down his fatigues. He smeared it all over his butt before settling down to take a dump. As he sat down, he pointed the gun between Two's astride legs, guarding Two's back. Two tried to ignore the obnoxious sounds and smells from below as he pointed the gun over One's head.

This was an undocumented Camp Six Standard Operating Procedure. No body could wander out of the perimeter without risking a run in with the tribals' blowpipes. So basic operartions like this had to be done in twos with one guarding the other's back.

Trying to focus on something else, Two asked One, "What do you suppose they will tell our families if we got killed while taking a dump by an arrow in the ass"

One grunted, though not necessarily in assent, "Probably the same official communique that every one gets...We regret to inform...Was killed fighting insurgents...while fighting courageously in the line of fire...You know...the works"

Two "You faced the line of fire ass first? How do you suppose they will explain the wound?"

One, face twisted in pain at the military rations that wouldn't be broken down by his intenstines, said "That is what you get when you put your ass on the line for the country. SHIT! That was hard!"

Two looked at the end result in horror "Did you eat an elephant yesterday? That is a mother lode if ever there was one!"

One, much more relaxed now, "Shut up and watch my back."

They were silent for a while not before Two piped up again "Do you know what this looks like? One military man standing upright with legs apart and another military man squatting in front of him..."

One "Shut up @sshole! Hand me the paper and smear yourself with the insect repellant. You are next!"

Thursday, December 08, 2005


Night is about the time between sunset and sunrise.
its when your melatonin is on high and everything else is on low.
its when you are supposed to be asleep and you are not.
Night is about sleep , spoilt milk and slow motion frames.
Night is about Neon Lights, sleep disorders and more ...

Night is a cut copy paste of the deja vu feeling and some stolen scenes and ideas.
But since we all are one , there is no need of me copying something ... or infact telling you this either !
Night as in Fight is a copy of a copy of a copy.

Night is , again, about background music, when you need it ,
bgm is infact the only thing missing from your life - thats makes its short of a movie.
Night is your humble attempt to understand whats happening inside yourself ..and whats happening outside ..
Night is defining the boundary , not that of sunset and sunrise ..
but the boundary that is you , which defines inside and outside.

Night is also about Associative memory, how and why your trail of thoughts are not necessarily crazy...
and how it is crazy ... at the same time ..
Night is a game of words , pictures and even scents (if the theatre owner permits me)
Night is a concept that has fascinated me for quite some time ..
Night is the reason we acknowledge day..

Night is the reason , i am tying(typo) all this crap on my laptop ..
and if i am not wrong, Night is the reason you are reading it too ;-)
Night is when your thoughts dont shoot off in tangents anymore ..
and the cold wind actually soothens you so much that you can actually think about one thing at a time ..
Night is the reason i am working , because it helps me concentrate.

Night is where all the answers lie !
I cannot tell you what night is , you have to experience it yourself.
For most of us, Night doesnt ever exist , we lay down to sleep and voila ! its morning !

Night is the reason, i feel fatigue and cant think about anything ..
And i cant stop myself from thinking too..
If i say "dont think about this ... " and
"a blue mini van on a wide road with 2 big trees on the right" ..
did you picture it ? or did you not think about it ?

Night is your secret get away, where you unburden all your thoughts,
Night is where you wish , you are not alone,
Night is where , every consciousness is actually alone,
Night defines death.

This treatise on Night is driving me mad.
December is when i think about 'Night' the most ,
Night is when you call upon god, and wander thru the sky .
Night is when you hear unheard music,
Night is a privilege to select few .

Night is about saying "hi" to the stranger in the lift,
Night is about punctuation, zeus, ram, dog and morpheus.
Night is about forgotten friends, ideas and memory loss , short or long term,
Night is about not new discoveries but , reinventing the wheel again and again.

Night is not mediocre,
Night is always extreeme, Once touched by it, you never forget it.
Night is stepping out of your cozy cocoon...

Night is when we re-engineer things ,
Night is when we rest for the next big day ,
Night is all about preparations ..
It is also about sorrowing the lost day .

Night is about Neuro Linguistic Programming,
Euphoria, Silk Route, Junoon, Jal and Strings,
Night is about Maya , cycle and chakras,
Night is about freely floating energy that suddenly bursts out of nowhere!

And finally , Night is about Sleep, End, Rest , small death ......
and Night is coming back to say "finally" is a wrong word ..
'cause Night will be back !

Saturday, December 03, 2005

The (F)art of self defence

Recently there was an official mail welcoming some big gun (whom we will never ever see) who is to take up some vague responsibility in North America.

The introduction note stated all his qualifications to the point of nausea and then concluded "On a personal note, Mr.XYZ is also a passionate practitioner of Aikido"

This sent me off on a tangent. My thoughts led me to another passionate practitioner of Hopkido. The rough english translation of Hopkido is "The Way of the Flying Fart"...It somehow never conveys the poetry of the Japanese you can clearly see.

The only remaining practioner (who must never be named and only be referred to as "THE ONE") of this dying art is now in hiding in some vault within (BLEEP!) Bank located in (BLEEP!). During Bush's invasion into Iraq "THE ONE" was code named WMD by the invading party.

Yes, you think Bush went to Iraq for some thermonuclear weapons? That is what the newspapers tell you. The truth is far more sinister. "THE ONE" was indeed a weapon of mass destruction but he was more of the nerve gas variety than the thermonuclear ones that newsmongers are obsessed with.

Now I reveal the technical intricacies of this art even as I break my oath of secrecy, thereby condemning my soul to the darkest pits of hell in everlasting torment.

1.Firstly take up the Crouching stance. Squat without touching ground with backside. Breathe in and out rapidly while coiling and uncoiling the intestine. Align the Air element of your Divine Five Elements in line with Hopkido's ruling celestial body, Uranus.

2.Stand. Approach the opponent with peace, in quick short strides. When the distance between you and the opponent is just over five long-steps-of-the-Heron-that-stands-on-one-leg, jump into the air with all the grace of the-crow-which-flies-upside-down. In mid air piroutte and turn your backside towards the opponent.

3.When your honalable backside is closest to the opponent's honolable nose, release the Air element through the ruling planet Uranus.

4.Invoke the gods as you do this with a rousing cry of "BANZAI!!!!!!"

So all ye ardent students of the forgotten mystic art of Hopkido, remember THE ONE's lesson before he went into retirement, "Ah so, Grasshopper, when honolable fascist swine jump at you flom dark alleyway, offer him teaching of Buddha before you apply the Hopkido and kick him in honolable balls."

Saturday, November 26, 2005


Sex without Marriage, is like
Coding without a Deadline

I was at the grocery counter, paying 300 bucks for the duplicate BRUT spray. The machine clinged, and the guy shelled out the change.
As if snow felt into my t-shirt. I felt two satin nipples rub against my back. before i got turn around, a hot venus mount gently skimmed past my buttocks.
eeks! Just realized , did that sound like some p0rn literature ? .. sorry guys.
Anyway, i turned around and saw a black beauty with big earrings, black see thru t-shirt and denim jeans. She was a little drunk and was searching for Vitaene (health drink). She starred at the BRUT bottle in my hand for some time.. i mean .. for quite some time.


Andrew said it tasted like sweetened beer. I didnt know , cause i have never tasted beer. The drink was called 'Hollandia Malt' , non-alchoholic. With great difficulty, i finished off the 350 ml, the sour taste is still on my tongue. The last time , i tasted anything like this was at Food world, adyar, thanks to dog and zeus.I mean , this one is the wackiest of them all - Red Bull, Power Gold, Pokari Sweat, Vitaene..


The mercedes started shaking at 190 kilometers per hour... Archie stepped on it once more and we were doing 210 !!! I think thats the fastest i have experienced in a car. A wonderful car.. 96 model merc. we shot the video on canon poweshot a400. will soon upload it to google videos. he sold it here for 3 lakh rupees... i am thinking of getting a license (auto drive).. so that i can rent and drive all those gorgeous cars .. bmws.. mercs.. mini-cooper, bentley . .and even a hummer!


300 rupees, and i was inside Grand Cine City, Al Ghurair. The movie - March of the Penguins. 'Narration by Morgan Freeman' had made me cross all my money thoughts. Red carpets.. Not a fly inside (oru eacha polum illa!). I wished someone would come in. The movie, although in french (without Morgan Freeman's narration) was a really moving one (Thanks for the English Subtitles). It really questioned me.. the penguins almost brave their lives for bringing their offsprings into the world. The empty theater and the red carpets added to the altogether eerie experience.

Monday, November 21, 2005

What it means...

Brainstorming - When a single idea vacuums through all the empty heads in a room collecting all the garbage along the way. It usually culminates with lots of people assigning action items to lots of other people. You can say that a Cranial Exodus follows...

Action Item - Something that will be brainstormed, dicussed and mailed about. Special care will be taken to ensure that no physical activity ensues which might disrupt status quo...

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Another Unoriginal Post

This post is old repost some of the regular readers of this post, through other sources. I have however thought about it for so long that I feel compelled to post it. I came close to feeling such an emotion on one starry night as I slept under an open sky in Sabarimala, two years ago. But if I tried to put that experience in words, it would be a clever intellectualization at best. Maybe I should have posted it earlier...

Into the 4th week of ramadan fast, bodies weakened by the continous fasting, with no vitality retained to pursue lust, anger or anything else, the mind succumbs to prayer, from azan at dawn to the second prayer the mind doesnt rebel, it just listens to the quran quoted at intervals.
In the desert where there is a awesome peace absolutely incomparable in other parts of the world where its as if the whole world has stopped, the sky is a kaleidoscope , the heavens are never as beautiful as they are in the clear desert skies. Hearing the azan peace sweeps through your soul, and you thank god, overwhelmed by Shukr for giving you the chance to experience this peace, unconquered in ability to fulfil the soul.
Tears flood the eyes. All is forgotten. Only the Shahadah remains. There is no god but God. The feeling is deep and beautiful. The pleasures of the world are seen in a new perspective cheap and fleeting compared to this peace. Thoughts are forgotten. Philosphies are dead. What religion? What prophet? What Holy Book? No intellect. No thoughts. Only Iman(Faith) and Tawhid(difficult to explain means oneness of god). All the clever intellectualizations remain shattered at the feet of the maker Al-Aala the most high from whom we came and to whom we must return.

Let me live in islam, Let me die in islam . What is Islam? from the root slm, to obey, to surrender to gods will in total peace. A Moslem is one who's surrendered.
Peace be to all

Sriram 'donalduch' Veeramani

And so (sh)it happens...

From trying to be an arrogant programmer who gives his stupid bosses hell, I am taking a step to transition into the stupid boss himself.
Went to an IMS centre in Adayar. Arrogantly appreared in the Preliminary Test, which is mandatory for all trying to even enroll for the course for CAT'06. Out of a threoretical possible of 150 marks I scored an extraordinay 23.
If I ever become a manager, may all the people under me live in constant awe of how someone so dumb can be so powerful.
Will have to shell out 16.6K next month when I actually join this course...Only hope it does not go down the drain as most things do when I start doing them.

Friday, November 11, 2005

What the Bleep ?!

// The following is an excerpt from what the bleep study guide ... interesting read . Sorry, but i have nothing original to add;-)

Today the Newtonian view of physics is referred to as classical physics; in essence, classical physics is a mathematical formalism of common sense. It makes four basic assumptions about the fabric of reality that correspond more or less to how the world appears to our senses. These assumptions are reality, locality, causality, and continuity.

Reality refers to the assumption that the physical world is objectively real. That is, the world exists independently of whether anyone is observing it, and it takes as selfevident that space and time exist in a fixed, absolute way.

Locality refers to the idea that the only way that objects can be influenced is through direct contact. In other words, unmediated action at a distance is prohibited.

Causality assumes that the arrow of time points only in one direction, thus fixing cause-and-effect sequences to occur only in that order.

Continuity assumes that there are no discontinuous jumps in nature, that space and time are smooth.

Metaphors We Live By

"Many people see the world as a battlefield, where good and evil are pitted against each other and the forces of light battle the forces of darkness. This ancient tradition goes back to the Zoroastrians and the Manichaeans. . . . There is the sense that you are fighting God's battle and that ultimately you will win. William Irwin Thompson called this kind of certainty and self-righteousness 'the apartheid of good,'" Macy tells us.

"A more innocuous version of the battlefield image," Macy offers, "is the image of the world as a classroom, a kind of moral gymnasium where you are put through certain tests which would prove your mettle and teach you certain lessons, so you can graduate to other arenas and rewards. Whether a battlefield or a classroom, the world is a proving ground, with little worth beyond that. What counts is our immortal souls, which are being tested here. . . . For the sake of your soul, you are ready to destroy." These two views are strong among monotheistic religions. But according to Macy, agnostics can also fall prey to this way of thinking when they become militant or self-righteous. Fundamentalism has both religious and secular adherents.

"Here the view is not to engage in struggle or vanquish the foe, but to disentangle ourselves and escape from this messy world. We try to extricate ourselves and ascend to a higher, supra-phenomenal plane. This stance is based on a hierarchical view of reality, where mind is seen as higher than matter and spirit is set over and above nature. This view encourages contempt for the material plane," says Macy. The Western worldview was based on this metaphor, with the trap being the illusion that the phenomenal world is real. To know truth one must directly apprehend the eternal, transcendent Platonic ideas or forms. These perfect forms are unchanging, a welcome relief from the overwhelming flux and chaos of the world. Elements of this worldview have entered all major religions of the last 3,000 years,regardless of their metaphysics. Macy tells us, "Many of us on spiritual paths fall for this view. Wanting to affirm a transcendent reality distinct from a society that appears very materialistic, we place it on a supra-phenomenal level removed from confusion and suffering. The tranquility that spiritual practices can provide, we imagine, belongs to a place aloof from our world and to which we can ascend and be safe and serene." For those not engaged in spiritual pursuits, another version of this worldview is the idea that we need to get healed from all our neuroses and hang-ups first and then we can participate in the world. In this view the self and the world are seen as essentially separate, so we believe we can heal one without healing the other.

Also known as modernity, the world is viewed as a collection of inanimate objects that interact in predictable, mechanistic ways based on mathematical laws (developed principally by Isaac Newton and thus known as Newtonian, or classical physics). Introduced in the seventeenth century by Descartes, Newton, Bacon, and others, modernity established a discontinuity between mind and matter, the subjective and objective, and ultimately between science and religion. Over centuries of struggle between a rising tide of empiricists who battled against an entrenched theology, an uneasy truce developed. Science claimed the domain of the physical world, religion claimed the domain of the mental world.

Our core assumptions about the universe are embedded in the metaphors we use. Ecophilosopher Joanna Macy explores five central metaphors through which people in different spiritual traditions see the world: world as battlefield, world as classroom, world as trap, world as lover, and world as self. We have added to this list: world as machine.
Resource: For more information about Joanna Macy's work, see

In a worldview where the physical and the mental have split allegiances, what happens to powerful religious and spiritual impulses, which address the essential role of meaning in Paradigm Shift our lives? Integral theorist Ken Wilber argues that when driven underground the basic human need for transcendence comes out "sideways," through compulsions to accumulate possessions and stroke the ego.

Macy tells us that with this view, "The world is beheld as a most intimate and gratifying partner. In Hinduism we find some of the richest expressions of our erotic relationship with the world. Desire plays a creative, world-manifesting role here, and its charge in Hinduism pulses onward into Krishna worship, where devotional songs, or bhajans, draw on the erotic yearnings of body and soul. . . . You feel yourself embraced in the primal erotic play of life. This erotic affirmation of the phenomenal world is not limited to Hinduism. Ancient Goddess religions, now being explored, carry it too, as do strains of Sufism and the Kabbalah, and Christianity has its tradition of bridal mysticism."
Nineteenth-century Romantic poets like Blake, Wordsworth, and Shelley felt this erotic affinity with the world, as did Walt Whitman in his "body electric." The American Transcendentalist Movement, with Emerson and Thoreau, also communed deeply with the natural world to discover that in doing so they became more fully human.

Resource: For information on Paticca Samutpada, see

The world as lover is a complement to the world as self. The subject (the lover) and object (the beloved) are no longer separate. The world is an interconnected whole and each individual a node in a living web of life. The Hindu tradition offers the image of Indra's net, in which each node is a jewel that shimmers with the reflection of all the other nodes. In Buddhist thought we find this idea expressed in the concept of "dependent origination," or mutual causality. Today this perception also arises in the realms of science—in general systems theory, complexity science, and quantum physics. We are discovering that Mind is immanent in nature, extending far beyond the spans of our individual conscious purpose.


Monday, November 07, 2005


Bought Sony Ericsson k750i
Gem of a Phone , Jewel of a Camera.
Have uploaded some pics at fotoniks

Saturday, October 29, 2005


Whenever the blue pill starts tasting bitter, he thinks of the red pill. How pathetic.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

annie hall

Alvy Singer: [narrating] After that it got pretty late, and we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I... I realized what a terrific person she was, and... and how much fun it was just knowing her; and I... I, I thought of that old joke, y'know, the, this... this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us... need the eggs.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

The Awakening

If helped me wake up, the Documentary "What the Bleep do we know?" helped me get going! ie try and do something about whats happening! This Movie/Documentary tries to explain our every day world thru Quantum Physics (My notorious seminar subject).

Amazing visual effects, propelled by Powerful explananations by the Scientists and thinkers, this one hit me at the core. Is reality already existant or does the Observer have any role in creating it ? What is the fundamental building block or how far down the rabbit hole can you go ? -- molecule ? atom ? electron cloud ? nucleus ? anti-matter ? ... or do we end up with a wave of probability .. which is thoughts/ideas ?

There is a wonderful scene in the movie where the protagonist is near a basket ball court. When she is not looking at the court, the basket ball is a wave of probability - ie its everywhere ... but when she looks at it is at one place.

Heisenberg uncertainty principle states that one cannot assign with full precision values for certain pairs of observable variables, including the position and momentum, of a single particle at the same time.

So when you are not looking at the basket ball, it can be anywhere. its a wave of probability. But the moment you look at it, its an experience, its matter, it has one location.

What then decides that ultimate position where it ends up ? ie the position where it will be ? If everything is ultimately built upon waves of probabilities ...arent we all basically one ?

Strange but true, the universe is vast .. you can never reach its boundaries, but try travelling inside ... ie , into matter ..and thats equally vast..

Scientists have discovered and photographed the super-positioned state of matter ? one photon at two different places at the same time (TIME ? -- now what is that ?)

Practically , what does it mean ? ... In classical physics, In classical religion, Reality is already there ...You are just a part of it .. playing your rule. God has already laid out the plans for you are just acting our part ...

But think in terms of Quantum Physics -- The Observer is defining Reality!
WARNING: This can get really wacko from here. I might contradict myself ;-) And this is becoming an awfully long blog (Now , I am trying to purposely modify the reality by sending the word - awfully long blog into your brains - because i define you, or rather there is no i and you , we are all one)

The brain cannot distinguish between an actual event and a memory, if both of them depict the same thing. "What the Bleep Do we know" - The movie has wonderful animations depicting the working of the Hypothalamus generating peptides which inturn bombard the receptor sites on our cells. Cells inturn undergo changes to respond to the emotions ..It also beautifully describes concepts like addictions, ageing ...
The brain cannot understand , something which it has not believed.

It is said that , when Christopher Columbus' (or someone else) ships were nearing the shores of some land, the natives could see the water move in a strange fashion, but couldnt see a Ship, because they had never seen a ship before! This might sound absurd, but think about it.. are we only perceiving things , which we have seen/ observed/ believed in some way ? Is there a lot of other information which is entering through our senses which our brain cannot interpret. What if there is more to the Electro Magnetic spectrum ? What if we can sense beyond what we are sensing now ?

The bottom line is : Thoughts are the building blocks. Thoughts dont exist until we think about them ? You can affect other entities using thoughts. There is even photographic evidence of water reacting to blessing, anger, love, thank you .. and other emotions . I personally dont like this example though.

Do thoughts translate into moments in reality ? Why then cant i change everthing wrong or everything bad ? Why doesnt everything fit in ? Because every positve thought is sitting on a cloud of negative thoughts - which has accumulated due to our stagnant and seasoned daily lives .. If we are happy with the daily routine, and like to believe that we have no control over our reality, then there is no way we can affect it. We will believe that we are here just to play our parts - like people have done for ages.

But if we can transcend the routine, and the helplessness, which is a very tough thing, cant we not see that our purpose is to evolve significantly to the next level ? There is a whole world out there .. of possibilities ... wave of possibilities ..

can the wave of possibilites which transcend addiction and emotion depict NIRVANA ?

Is that the true definition of heaven ? If everything in the universe is built of the same wave of possibilities .. does that mean , that GOD is all of us or we are all GODS ? How do we praise GOD then ? How do we define suffering / pain / help ?

what are the rules ?Thankfully MATRIX has served as a bible for me for sometime now. See this

NEO (V.O.)
I believe deep down, we both want this world to change. I believe that the Matrix can remain our cage or it can become our chrysalis, that's what you helped me to understand. That to be free, you cannot change your cage. You have to change yourself.

NEO (V.O.)
When I used to look out at this world, all I could see was its edges, its boundaries, its rules and controls, its leaders and laws. But now, I see another world. A different world where all things are possible. A world of hope. Of peace.

What is NEO actually talking about here ? .. A different world where all things are possible. A Quantum Physical world where everything is possible ? Where the Observer defines reality ? .

NEO (V.O.)
I can't tell you how to get there, but I know if you can free your mind, you'll find the way.

That exactly is the task at hand - FREE MY MIND! . If we can do that , we will find the way .. of evolving into the next level.

A Tribute to James Horner

The best soundtracks i can think of , are credited to James Horner!

Brave Heart, Titanic, Apollo 13, The Mask of Zorro, The Legend of Zorro* , Jumaji, Aliens, Iris , Jade, Casper, I love you to death (and i .. will always love you...), Commando, Star Trek - II

Check out the complete list here

<< Who did Terminator 2 ? >>

Thursday, October 20, 2005


NOTA BENE: If you are reading this, read it to the end. A little knowledge is dangerous :-) I am deeply indebted to Harish for his thoughtful insights, guidance and source material in my quest.

Ram once remarked , "Hinduism is a free religions. There are no obligatory rituals. Infact, its a generic code of life. Islam and Christianity on the other hand give importance on umpteen rituals, the church/mosque and the priests.. why so ?"

A few days back, I was back in office after Iftar (break-fast ?;-)) and browsing without any directions, what so ever. I happened to visit a site called The article I read was Theft . Its about the so called punishment of 'chop his hands, if he is a thief'. In 15 minutes flat, I realized , the horror of Interpretation. Whilst the Quran means 'Cut his resources, and make him work to repay the stolen property', todays Islamic governments blindly follow 'Chop his hands!'. A little more research and I found out that most of the rituals followed today are baseless and never mentioned in the Code Book of Islam!..

1) Prayer, its format, its timings .. (5 times ? Arabic - NO!!)
2) Punishment for theft (cut his hand ? - NO!!)
3) Punishment for adultery (stone to death - blasphemous!!)
4) Dress code (black veil ? - Never .. )
and many more ... What i realized was that every little thing which had poked my consciousness when i did them was a man made rule .

How did these rules come into existence ? By a clever technique called Hadith or Sunna, which is supposedly the life of the prophet. Start reading any hadith .. anyone would be immediately filled with doubt .. (Mr X friend of Y, the follower of Z, heard from Mr A, that he saw Mr B telling to Mr C, that Mr C saw the prophet ...) See the lineage ?! This is because such rules never existed during the time of the prophet and was thought up the Religious leaders almost 7 generations after his death ! What a mind job ?! People follow it blindly today without any questions ....

Any story of unbelievable acts / magic / warewolves ... or special effects are human additions, be it to the Quran/Hadith , the Bible or the Bhagavad Gita ...

Then I came to know about something , which struck me like thunder. It is widely believed that there is only one version of Quran and that God himself has vowed to protect it. Are there actually two versions - Hafz and Warsh ? with minor changes in letters ,words .. There are also other versions like Tashkant Quran.
The Bottom line is .. there are different versions of all religious books, they are only aimed at making the world a better place, but making people do the right thing. ie as long as you dont cause any hardships to your fellow beings and live in harmony with nature! The rest is Man created propaganda about GOD , Heaven , hell and all.

Heaven is a concept which i was very confused about from the very beginning. If i have everything i want, would i be happy ? How do we define happiness without sorrow ? Quote from MATRIX

Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost.

If you argue that my state of being in heaven would be quite different from what i am now, how do i then relate my present being to that state ? I mean how would i remember or recognize my previous state in this worldly world ? Interesting , Quantum Physics seems to have a much better definition of heaven. I have mentioned this at the end of this blog.

I think that Islam and Christianity have been affected by a common plague - The glorification of their messengers (jesus/mohammed) and power of attorney for the church/mosque/priests! Just like what the protagonist in STIGMATA writes on the wall in hebrew , and further speaks out when possessed.
Frankie [in the Italian voice of Paolo Alameida, a dead priest]: The messenger is not important.
This message has been repeated over the ages ! The messenger is not important , the message is !! Religions are , but for peaceful coexistance . Its not for glorification of messengers, priests, rituals or god himself!

One dialogue from the Matrix makes most sense -
You have to understand that most of these people are not ready to be unplugged and many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system that they will fight to protect it.

And I have experienced this personally. Any questions on rituals ... they debate for some time saying Quran is a book of signs and need further human explanation !
While Quran says its complete, clear and simple !
and then they give up, saying .. "I am not the all knowing, i follow what my forefathers did!", Which exactly is rebuked by the Quran -
And if they are told to follow what God has granted, they say ‘nonetheless we follow what we found our forefathers on’ What if their forefathers do not understand a thing and are not guided (2:170)
They are so hopelessly dependant on the system that they will fight to protect it!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Blast from the past

This below is heavenly!!! Neo at his fertile best. For non CET folks, Soorji (affectionately known as Garbhu) was my roommate in first year and the sole reason for the coining of the masculine gender of 'garbhini'.

Read on...

Copyright Neo Films 2003

Note: The Reader may search and Replace all occurences of 'Bala'
with 'Ram' according to his convenience.

Bala Couldnt Sleep

Couldn't Sleep... What the heck ? you would say .. thats a problem everyone has these days. The only difference would be the reason. And thats what this is about ...

After 3 hours of non-stop grilling session with Electrical Machine Design , and Metallica ringing in his ears , a tired peed Bala went to the T.V Room in the middle of the night. It was all eerie with spiders and stuff to his company. Soorji was snoring loud at one of the corners. Bala was a little surprised at the emptiness of the room. It was only 2.30 and everyone was sleeping. (Its said that MH never sleeps). Bala had been waiting for this one moment the whole of his lifetime ... he had spent at MH. He looked at the tool of his desire ... The long... black .. beauty lying just beside Soorji .... With one swift leap , he took it in his hands....

The REMOTE. The yellow glow from the ring on the Ftv model's titties glew in his eyes. " Now I am the king! The TV's mine! ", he must have said . From there, the story was similar to what a 16 year old would have done during his first night. Bala scurried (is that a right term?) through the entire frequency range searching for the show of his desire ... and Finally he got it Mtv-ICON-Metallica ON STAGE-whatever. 15 minutes passed and then suddenly... (SCROLL DOWN)

There was a loud Crack and Boom...
The TV Went off ...
It was as if a meteor had landed. It was all dark ...

In a split second,Bala was out of the room and ran to the middle of now where... That was a foolish decision, because he thought he had made a 180 degree turn, whereas infact he had only made a 90 degree turn...and he rushed into one of the prohibited toilets.... P-L-A-C-H-K-U ... that was exactly the sound ...he was splattered flat on the wall of the toilet, his leg in the little watery toilet with some dry shit and his leg twisted. It took him a whole 30 minutes to recover and our dear hero found his way through the dark to the Cooler, only to find that it was empty. He had to do with some paper and the three drops that trickled every 7 seconds. At that very moment ... Bala's brain began to work .. and he thought ... "What had happened in there?" . Soorji.......?! "

The warrior instincts in Bala awoke and he darted to the TV Room. Midway, the only foolishness he did was to get strangled by the Asianet Cable. He peeped into the dark TV Room.

" Su.. su.. su.. Soorji ..."
A loud grumbling was the response.
He could also hear the whirring of the fan. The power is back, Bala's detective instincts told him.

Bala stepped inside the TV Room, and let his hands find the Switch on the wall. He found the switch alright and turned it on.
The sound was...
" Pzzzzzzzz.. zzwip "
Three of Bala's nostril's hairs burned. (A Small short circuit effect on the Experienced-High-Voltage-Electrical-Engineer). That was all that happened. No lights.. But by now, Bala's eyes had accustomed to the moon light in the room.

And then he saw it .... THE HORROR ... THE HORROR ....

There was more moon light in the room , than there had been before. And there was a strong-disgusting smell of urine. (Though this was usual in the TV room, as the urinal was very close to it and shared a common air duct).

And then he saw in awe and respect... A whole circular piece about the size of table, of concrete Roof had fallen!!! This moment was heavenly .. The moon smiled through the new found hole in the roof and seemed to say .. "It was not me .. Bad Contractors.. "

Slowly .. in bullet time , Bala's opened mouthed face looked where the piece had fallen...

"bluhu hoo " --- Bala cried like a little baby.
It was right on Soorji's tummy. (That explained the extra smell of urine in the room). And there Soorji was .. still snoring his way to the 7th stage of sleep.

For a moment, Bala didnt know what to do. Then deciding that it was his duty to help his friend from such distress, he decided to help...
But How...Poor Soorji was sleeping , and did he know that 5 kilos of concrete roof was lying on his tummy?.. Maybe he did have some wierd dream of being crushed by an elephant... But he was still asleep.

Bala's neo-cortex came up with a plan. He used his talent in tickling Soorji to the right position, (whence he discovered where the source of the loud grumbling he had heard before), so that he could knudge the concrete piece .
By 4 am, he was all done...
Though nothing happened to Soorji (infact he didnt even know), Bala was really affected/effected by the incident.

Bala Couldnt Sleep anymore.

The moment he closed his eyes... All sorts of wierd images would creep up.
They were specifically.... things that could fall on him, while he was asleep.
Concrete Roof .. ? Fan ..? Bulb ? Tube Light.
As a remedy , He decided to sleep in open space. When a dog peed on him, he decided to conquer his fear of heights and sleep on the terrace.

But that only made things worse...
He found new things to worry about.
Airplanes .. Jets... Tired Flying Birds.. Unconscious Flying Birds ...Clouds , Moon .. Stars .. Comets ....

He couldnt find a place ... where nothing would fall on him.
He even thought of sleeping under water (in our famous tank) with a pipe to breath...
But after a few minutes , he would surface ...

So thats why Bala Couldnt/Cant Sleep.

If anybody has a solution please contact him.

C 219
Men's Hostel

Copyright Neo Films 2003

Monday, October 10, 2005

From the past by bala-2


Brought to earth, upon a broken wing,
crawling with ants, lowly, slithering,
looks above to see comrades fly
a few feet above, but it felt like sky.

Waiting for a speedy end,
adapting, he begins to pretend.
like an ant he scrounges around,
hoping to hear death's stealthy sound.

Came bouncing along that cruel child,
twinkling eyes with merry wild.
He tore away the moth's last vestige,
ripping apart his cloak of insectly prestige.

Reduced to just another ant,
with no wings to rave and rant.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Cell from hell

The music fires on all cylinders, shrill metallic and craving instant attention.
I let it hurt my eardrums and then I steel my resolve to turn it up a little more.
Now it has begun to really hurt. I like this. Am I a masochist? Am I empty?

Maybe yes. Maybe yes. A little louder please.

YES. now I have reached the point where I cannot hear myself speak anymore.
Ha! so this is what it is like to be like you...
No wonder you like it so much.

Now let us try closing the eyes. Sensual overload. the one single sense stimulated to

exhaustion has borrowed the other unused 4 sensory amplifiers. Is there something left in

Winamp's tank to test this barrage of parallel amplifiers? Apparently yes.

Now I can hear the scratches of fingers on fretboards of distant guitars. The screech of

mikes hissed upon at close range.

And then silence. Changeover. The next track is anti-climactic in its mellow lilt. I don't

like it.

Hit J and jump to the next track. A gradually escalating song which had once been my 48

hour loop track. As it escalates, I brace for the assault. Now the volume is at the max. My

neighbour looks at me stunned at the fact that my headphones are interrupting her

conversation on the phone. At the periphery of my vision I see her mouthing the word

P-S-Y-C-H-O to her unseen friend on the other end of an Airtel connection.

Like I care.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Darkness in Dubai

Nair and his gang of 40 plus are discussing religion and boozing, whilst i am typing my first blog after 2 months. A lot of things have changed. Phase 3 of life has already begun. Under the watchful eyes of my relatives, i am beginning to relive life, as i used to .. 10 years back, in the bliss of ignorance. Nair is a very interesting nasty character. He is a manager in the sea foods division of some company called Akira. He has his family in Mumbai. A true vagabond, he visits all night clubs and says "they forced me !!". No matter how much he boozes, he makes it a point to wake up at 5.30 and play "kausalya supraba...." he then dozes off and wont let me reduce the volume.

After 4 rounds, they have now started eating . Nair and his friends are very particular about food. "We should never have food from hotels! god knows how old the oil is!!". Nair smokes a pack of cigarrete between 6.45 am and 7.45 am. I am not sure, how many he smokes during the day. All the CD's he own are devotional ones. His wake up drink is one glass of tea and one glass of liquor.
Thanks to Strings and their songs, ... I can drown myself in the magical world of music.

The boat driver is sweating like hell. The everyday boat-ride back home is a soothing one. People dont talk that much on the boat. Everyone seems to be enjoying the waves, or rather trying to forget everything for 15 minutes , before they get into the thick of the things, be it be the room with 14 people, or the office where you are looked down upon. If someone bathes 5 times a day, he should be really clean.

Work is exciting. One fine morning after my first production patch went live, i was summoned to the main branch. Customer A wants to open a current account, the branch user, an arab lady clicks on the first few screens and `DiSHum!` HTTP 500 Error. The system analyst watched the scene with horror, the customer blinked, and the branch user screams .. 'wallahi @#% 4$@ $#!'. I went near him and whispered "Bring down the system immediately, downtime 30 minutes'. He repeated it and soon, 23 branches were down for 30 minutes.

The water in the tub was really warm. I lay there for about an hour. felt really good. The sweltering heat of 50 degree celsius had knocked me out. Residence Deira, by Le Meridien. My home for 20 nights. Renjith and Prabhu (at the reception) were my only friends during the time. 63000 rupees... bloody hell! The bank has a policy of showing off... to let the world know where a new employee gets to stay, though temporarily.

'Finding Neverland' was the last movie I saw, about a month back. Abode : Qatar Airways. Kate looked beautiful. Johny Depp was amazing.
The drunkards (3 nos) are still discussing some crap "Money will come and go, relationships are important".

Dubai : the land of extremes. It has changes so much. On one side, i can find people who are better than angels, and on the other, there are russian whores knocking on your doors at just 6.30 pm!

Optra is doing a smooth 120 km/hr.. and i feel it like the 40 km/hr back in india. The tea cup doesnot shake. My uncle is finding it hard to keep it under 130.. the max speed limit on the Dubai-Abudhabi highway. Maybe because the road is too wide .. I cant sense the speed. Pull down the window... and the desert wind gushes . .yup.. really we are not static! Cost of petrol : 8 rupees per litre.

14 people in a room! double decker beds. A small paper sticked on the kitchen door "donot enter.. between 10 pm and 6 am. we are sleeping here, and are tired from work". Room rents increase by 100% or more every year!

Uppma... aah! the good old breakfast from hostel, chennai , bangalore and now in dubai. Lunch : Chicken sandwich + flavoured milk. Evening : snacks. Dinner : kerala poratta (not paratha or parantha) and veg curry.

Zeus, You might find some lousy spelling mistakes, which might irritate you. Sorry man, I cant spell ...

Friday, August 26, 2005

From the past by bala - 1


when i have fears that i cease to be..
i look for help,i look to the sky and sea.
cornerstones questioned and icons destroyed
i stand numb with fear unalloyed.
i don't fear death, sickness or physical pain
nor thunderclaps puntuating the driving rain
no fear in my heart for bird or beast,
which may strike, but with reason at least.
neither do i fear the single man,
who fights & throws at me all he can.
i am not afraid of mistakes, for from them i learn.
nor fazed am i by just punishments, i earn.

but when groups of narrow men come my way,
preach brotherhood and make me pay
for the fact that i don't conform.
to their mediocrity and their norm.
when i am asked to sacrifice my all
for the common good, to be another brick in the wall.
a wall to stall the tides of genius.
a wall to defend the will of ignoramus.
this is done with refreshing ease.
as the drugged masses hold their peace.
all men are equal, they proclaim,
but talents differ, and we are not the same.

yet they ask a share of the sweat of my brow,
for men who don't even know,
what it takes to work with two hands
and leave blood and tears on time's sands.
brushing aside my claims to my right,
painting their faces of woe and plight,
mouthing,'blessed are the meek...'
while of hypocrisy their breath reeks.
all of this i will fight
even if darkness claims the last light.

i will wake each morning in constant fear
of someone who will push, someone dear.
someone who in the name of love,
will deal the final blow from above.
in my darkest hour, if i gave away my key,
its then, that i fear i may cease to be.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

the brothel with a wooden balcony

Men were sitting with their legs stretched on the wooden balcony, and a woman was entertaining them with her talk. We were all waiting for our chance to cuddle with the woman, and cuddle means cuddle. I was sitting on the side railings, with my legs stretched, and comfortable with the whole situation. Beside me sat two little girls, daughters of the our host. I tried to talk with one of the girls, but she was not interested. She ran away. I thought of the whole cuddling thing, the soft white bed on the floor, all fluffy, and the fluffy woman. I felt a little naked in my shorts and the short dress that i wore over it. The wind was getting a little chilly. But my mind was calm. I dont know whether i got my chance or i just got what i wanted , but i started to leave. I walked down the nicely crafted, wooden stair case and entered the corridor which leads outside. While i was walking along the corridor, i got a glipse of whats going in the next house connected to the same corridor. A woman was teaching another woman the right demeanor for her honeymoon time. She was acting shy, and she was dressed nicely in a white dress , and was practising different expressions. I walked on silently.

An old one

Buried in the sands of time I strain to hear the voice within the noise.

Worried and infected by the touch of crime, I fear I have no choice.

Head full of heavy metal and searching for peace.

Dreaming of blue skies and sleeping under the trees.

The shadows deepen and summer sings.

Melting the joy and other such things.

Hoping that each new step is not another mistake.

Praying that destiny is mine to make.

Watching but not seeing, running but not fleeing.

In circles I go, painful it is I know.

Friends watch and so do foes.

I can’t see the enemy within me.

Should I buy a gun and blow my brains out?

That is a question still resting in the shadow of a doubt.

Friendless and endless, I rest in unease.

Paradise promised panacea prescribed.

Desolation destroyed desperation described.

The solutions dissolve,

The corroded remains of the iron resolve.

Thoughts in chaos, brain cells in quantum disarray.

Fragments of me watch the whole in dismay.

Mathematics violated, the summation of the parts results not in the whole.

Theophysics ridiculed, I indulge in the fragmentation of the soul.

The atom of creative thought consistently broken.

Kilotons of epic yield pass by unspoken.

Words that could change the cosmos,

Evade the membrane that captures it, almost.

Endless summers raining on my mental forge and anvil,

Reduce the crude ore of thought to nothing, null, void and nil.

Within the calm vortex of my storm, I mock my peace.

Something that i wrote so long ago that I have forgotten its context...Some of it still is good, though it is mostly sick rhymes thats all...

Thursday, August 04, 2005


This has a dejavu feel for me. After weeks and months of boring life, suddenly you are dropped into a nice world for a limited amount of time. And then you see a lot of nice thing, nice unknown people, nice unseen places, and then you are taken to a calm cozy place to sleep and a moment to think whats happening. And you feel, that you were born today morning, though you feel like having the wisdom of atleast a 10 year old, and you remember that you have family and friends whom you care about. But there are just no memories before the start of this adventure. You try to retain the dementia and savour it as long as possible. And to your surprise it lingers.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

A Botched suicide

You are very depressed. You are suicidally depressed. You have a gun. But you do not quite have the courage to point the gun at yourself and kill yourself in this way. If only someone else would kill you, that would be a good thing. But you can't really ask someone to kill you. That wouldn't be fair. You decide that if you remain this depressed and you find a time machine, you will travel back in time to just about now, and kill your earlier self. That would be good. In that way you even would get rid of the depressing time you will spend between now and when you would get into that time machine. You start to muse about the coherence of this idea, when something amazing happens. Out of nowhere you suddenly see someone coming towards you with a gun pointed at you. In fact he looks very much like you, except that he is bleeding badly from his left eye, and can barely stand up straight. You are at peace. You look straight at him, calmly. He shoots. You feel a searing pain in your left eye. Your mind is in chaos, you stagger around and accidentally enter a strange looking cubicle. You drift off into unconsciousness. After a while, you can not tell how long, you drift back into consciousness and stagger out of the cubicle. You see someone in the distance looking at you calmly and fixedly. You realize that it is your younger self. He looks straight at you. You are in terrible pain. You have to end this, you have to kill him, really kill him once and for all. You shoot him, but your eyesight is so bad that your aim is off. You do not kill him, you merely damage his left eye. He staggers off. You fall to the ground in agony, and decide to study the paradoxes of time travel more seriously.

Wish this was an original work...
Blatant copy paste!
What a pathetic waste!
But interesting read...

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

For the Thief

Thank you for leaving the desk and the chair,
the books, snapshots and piano.
I've heard of moving van robberies—
coming home from work to percussion
of empty rooms. Thank you for
leaving the trapped air
that softens the blunt edge of my day.
What's mine - the hum of identity—
still surrounds me,
though the electronics
are gone and the jewelry
that was too precious to wear.
Thank you for not spraying
the walls with coke or with piss.
Thank you being a professional,
tidy and quick, entering with a clean
silent cut, not wasting your time
or mine with vandalism or assault.
When my mother was robbed
the closets and drawers were dumped
on the floor. All that was stolen were
towels that had hung in her bathroom.
Her neighbors, the police said, had
lost their cookware. Better our houses
become someone's mall than shooting range.
With my cousins, one in New York took
a knife-blade against her throat.
Another in Madrid was dragged
three blocks by her hair. Thank you
for knowing what you were here for,
for tending to your business without rage.

If you love it too, buy Alison Hawthorne Deming's book, Genius Loci

Saw it on a blog, thought zeus would sing along. Or atleast write his own ode to the thief.

its raining again

I have to feel it when i read a blog since the tough glasses are seperating me from the rain and since my bedside window no longer open to the sky. Yesterday it was some photos on a womans blog, while today its a painful memory on another womans blog. Some are telling me the forgotten ways of enjoying the rain. I have my ways too:). But its been just two or three rains. I am going to get out and get drenched soon. Wont have any company for that though.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

FISH | Yet another crossroad

Remember Gandhiji's Talisman ? that used to appear on the inside of Text book covers ....
I never understood what it meant, and still dont fully.

Baz luhrman said that, the most interesting people he had met , never knew what to do with their lives.

For sometime, i have been wanting to work on a Web Application, which would be accessed by lot of people .. from all over the world, for information exchange. Examples,, irctc...Ultimately it has to be accessed by the mass and not the business executives who use it to make business decisions. The purpose should be faster access to valuable information. I think working a site like irctc would give an additional kick when i am back home .. 'yeah! How many people must have used my site to book a ticket ?', apart from the obvious technological challenges.

I just had a telefonic interview . Man, i cant talk! 'jab ba bab a' .. 'blu blu .. Ba ba ba ', 'aaaa' , 'mmmmm'. Shit !!! I always had a problem with talking to strangers. For eg. When you are travelling in a cab, especially with a lady, if you keep mum, the situation becomes increasingly hostile. I know that. There is an imaginary ice-wall building up, which would be set on fire very soon.

And so what happened is that i made it thru, i mean the fone call. And so I am on yet another cross road. Damn! I am so bad at making decisions .. And even 'badder' at sticking to those which i made.

So the cross road is something like this.
A great company with average work. Great potential to grow up the ladder, both technically (though not the technology of my choice), up the corporate ladder, as well as a gentleman. I am learning to say 'hi' to strangers in the elevator , and not wondering how the elevator works. I believe i have a great oppurtunity of grooming myself, if i stick to this place.
Ok, so next up is the dubai thing, a job thru a consultant , where everyday would be almost predictable, and developers with 6 years experience sit and code. Apart from the hazard that i would dive deeper into my cozy den of being a lone developer ( because i would be working in a terribly small team), there are also other dangers like the company imposing a 'ban' on me , if i quit, blah blah blah. Politics would be at its highest level, but eventually , my bank balance would be good (not excellent) and *everyone would be happy.

I did try to imagine myself, 1 year.. 1 and a half year .. 2 year later. Terribly small vision, but even that was a stress! It all got so complicated, and i decided to write it down or even prepare a FISH bone diagram. Oops! Didnt work out.

And today, my good friend who referred me to the overseas oppurtunity came up to me and said "would you stay back if you were offered some work on SAP ?". Maybe i take everything seriously, or maybe i dont have the capacity of deciding whats serious enough. Now, work on the SAP intiative, would really be cool , the training itself is worth atleast a lakh rupees, and a year later , if i am good enough, i could be really valuable consultant. I could even find some time to film 'Night' , my two year dream project.

The last couple of months have been like , breaking out of a cocoon , and boy , i forgot to read the 'how to fly' manual. Aargh! Bad example .. Trying to be funny heh ? .

Balz is working like a dog. Yeah, i used to do that during december 2003 to february 2004. Then again in November 2005. Man , that was the toughest. My team lead went onsite and voila! I had to take care of the app (2 months development) going live ! . The pressure almost crumbled me .. One day before the release we started testing .. 2 days of testing for 2 months development ! Ofcourse , things crashed and i and ramnath had to scroll thru the entire code in the wee hours of morning. At 4 am , i just blacked out. At 9 am , when my pm visited office, he saw me with watery eyes, came to me and asked "is everything alright?". "Perfect", i said. Luckily, the project went live (and the bugs were not discovered until one month). Yeah, it was pressure and stress, but in the end, thats the best project on my resume, 'cause i knew it inside out.

Ok, i have said enuf for one blog! Rest of the crap in the next one !

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Strange things

i was crossing the hell signal at bommanahalli. it is a junction, where everthing is hay-wire and my cab stopped exactly at the middle of the junction. there was traffic flowing in from all sides. i got out and glided thru. And then i was stuck in between two streams of traffic. i couldnt move forth or backward. I was stuck and then saw a bus screaming and rushing towards me. there was nothing i could do. jumping forth or backward into the traffic ,would be suicide. so i stood there looked at the bus and put my left hand forward and said "NO"
luckily, the bus screached to halt right in front of me. then i and the bus waited for a gap in the stream, i made my way and the bus made its own.

i was searching for the strings album 'duur'. i got the song 'duur' , but didnt get the song 'sar kiye'. i searched all day long, sent mail to the chaat list, contacted all. but nay. at 6pm , when i was sitting in the cab, desperate and sad, wanting to hear the song, Radio City started playing it!

it was raining heavily, i and stimbi was soaking wet and we squeezed ourselves into the share auto. there were 4 of us in that auto and i said 'if one more guy gets in , this is gonna break down'. one more guy got in and the auto broke down almost immediately.

on sunday, i and shibin went to Forum. we were absolutely sure we wouldnt get any tickets for 'KAAL'. and it was true, all the show timings were displayed in red, which meant 'SOLD OUT'. we decided we watch 'xxx-2 : the next level'. As i was about to reach the counter, a woman hurried and cancelled two tickets for 'KAAL'. we were very excited to call up UR and inform him that we got tickets for 'KAAL'.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Writing it all...

Warning : Lots of Pessimistic, depressive stuff, I am writing it down, so that i get

rid of it .. shit !

Maybe writing it all helps.
There are things which i took for granted... my 5 km drive back home, a desk where i
could even put my legs outstreched, a sultry room where i could sleep any time of
the day, the besant nagar beach side drive, ECR, sathyam cinema, the numerous film
festivals, work - where i estimated, completed, and reported out, days in office,
where i spent just listening to music with no regret at all, 2 great mentors, for
life and technology, ruffle lays potatoe chips, broadband, and above all, the
feeling that i was doing some work, though not great , not bad either!

i decided to break out of the cozy cocoon, when i got calls/kicks from three
corners, family , friends and god knows what! Initially , i thought that Change was
difficult and its difficult to cope up with , but now, exactly 28 days after the
transition, i realize that its not the change, it 'i' where the problem lies. The
problem is that i dont believe in this, what i am doing. A classic case of 'You are
ok, I am not OK'. I drag myself to meetings, i read up documentation like crazy and
smile and nod my head to everyone, like an orangutan, who used a good number of tweezers (aargh! your joke sucks!).

But then, 'most of the interesting people i have known, never knew what to do with
their lives' - baz luhrman. well that exactly is the problem. If i had no idea, or
if i had the exact idea it would've been great, but the problem is 'faint idea'. So,
i took a sheet of paper and started writing down things which i like the most..

1) Internet/ Java/ Web Apps/Oracle Dbase
2) Film Making
3) Open Spaces , Really Really Open Spaces , with very few living things. or something like 'Hope Springs' ?
4) Driving / cycling / Running

This list has remained more or less the same in the past couple of years. Then i
tried to figure out where my current job jump/ career shift actually fits in (The
real problem is too much thought , i shouldnt have the liberty of typing or thinking
so much, i must be overloaded with blind disciplined work!)

Back to where i left, i was trying to figure out why i made the shift.
yes, i was a little bored with work, but it was a cozy cocoon, where everything was
quite predictable and i was safe. but no, it wasnt really that bad!
MONEY ! - Yes , it was just money ! The feeling that moving the marker from 2.4 to
3.8 would really boost my value and prepare me for the next jump. Was i fuelled in
anyway by my environment ? Yes .. i did some bad reasoning and even prepared an

excel sheet comparing chennai and bangalore. Things which stood out where, 'everyone
is moving out of chennai', 'bangalore is the IT capital, more oppurtunities,+ living
there will actually tell you how competitive i am', 'life is costly is bangalore, so
what you are getting paid more to manage that', 'if i stay here , i will stagnate,
if i step out, i will cry, fight and grow', ' how would i know whats happening else
where , if i stay in this company alone ?'. so on friday , i sent out my resignation
letter and decided to leave, everthing happened in under 24 hours.

ok , so enough of depressing stuff...

There is so much positive around me , people are so involved and sure of the work
that they are doing. People actually put in 11-12 hours with joy! And Feedback is
given and taken in an amazing way. How much of all this is possible in a Consulting
company , i am not sure. I am only sure that i am in middle of really brilliant
people, not only because of their technical knowledge, but also because of the real
cool attitude and maturity that they deal with situations.

The most taxing, the most difficult thing in the universe is talking. Its the most
draining , dehydrating thing! I thought i would change, and gather up some more
energy to say 'hi' to all and talk with just anyone and everyone... be it about the
coffee or just about the music playing on radio city. but .. na... all i can manage
(that too with real effort) is smile ... and i think thats a great achievement!

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Sympathy for Mr.Revenge

Are you saddled with mediocre emotions?
I mean, have you ever experienced an extremity of any one emotion?
For a split second, have you ever been that emotion personified?
I haven't. I feel I am living a life of mediocre moderation.
I need to have revenge. An eye for an eye. Tooth for broken tooth.
But no one has mortally wronged me to deserve just retribution. No one has done anything to bring me upon themselves as the nemesis. I wish somebody would hurt me hard enough, for me to want to kill them. But for now all I can do is assault my enemies with documentation and hope that they get vicious paper cuts when they take print-outs of my venomous outpurings.

I wish I could make revenge the sole purpose of existence. Maybe I should do something to make it start. You know, act proactively and all that...

If you are wondering about the title, it is the title of a movie by Chan Wook Park. The guy who made Old Boy. This one is a uni dimensional revenge saga, where 3 people seek the revenge that they believe they deserve, their inter-twined vengeances and a finale of depressing abruptness.

Watch it for a change of pace.

Friday, May 06, 2005

My ears are keenly listening to the tv behind, while i write these words. As long as the tv is reproducing the music from some damn internet radio, some where in the world, i am safe, i can continue to think that everything is fine. I know its not working, its bound to crash any second, but until it does, i am going to relax. Thinking of that, happiness and sadness in my life is mostly this these days. If some little work of mine works, i am happy, if it doesnt i am unhappy, if it was not done in a competitive time, i am unhappy, if its not done properly i am unhappy. I will think myself into being unhappy. And sometimes i feel unhappy, when i forget some incident which was making me unhappy. I am planning to increase my happyness threshold. Stop being happy about small things. It will do good to my work. Thats enough depressing talk.

a poem by my friend

nagarkoil saalaiyil perunthu poi kondu irrukka...
lesana thooral,
chillendru saaral,
vaanuyarntha selipaana marangal,
mazhai thuligalaal nanaintha pachai nira malai prathesangal.
siru oodaiyil mazhai neer ooda
saalaiyai pol yen manathu muzhuvathum eeram.
pokkuvarathu nerisalaal
perunthu oor idathil ninrathu
perunthil podapatta paadalai
rasitha padiye
jannilin vazhiye yetti paarthen
siru siru koorai veedugal
siriya kadaigal therinthathu
oru veetin vaasalil
oru sinna pen ninraal
theiveega mugam
naan paarthen
theivam ayyirtre...
naan paarpathu therinthu
avalum paarthaal.
amaithiyaaga ninraal.
asaiyakooda villai.
naan paarthukonde irrunthen...
oriru nimidangal kandanthathu
perunthu mella nagarnthathu
antha pennum mella yennai nokki narnthaal
perunthu vegaithai pidikka
avalum vegamaaga oodi vanthu
kaattril parakka vittaal...
avalathu muththamenum anbai..
perunthu thiruvananthapurathirkku
merkkaale sella
yen uyir mattum
kizhakkaale senrathu

Ramesh is my colleague. Not sure whether neo will understand the poem. And hes writing about his real experience. I always had this notion that tamil people are more romantic, and cant get a cooler proof for that. And the language is also very beautiful.

Thursday, May 05, 2005


Hongasandra is a beautiful village. Unlike a mallu village , this place is totally dusty. Vishnu once remarked that if you stay at hongasandra center for more than 10 minutes you would die of dust attack. No wonder, Asthma is the most common disease in Bangalore. This place is totally cut off from the IT buzz of bangalore , though occassionaly you can see people with red, blue , grey tags around their necks. The share auto drive from Bommanahalli to hongasandra tent (theatre) is a really great experience. It would also be true to say , its a get away place, you would actually feel you are in some remote village of india and not the IT capital. The drive from hongasandra to bommanahalli takes 10 minutes and from bommanahalli to whitefield (back seat of sumo) takes 1 hour.

Yesterday , Benoy sprang to life on Yahoo! and said " why dont i take a break and go home or travel around ? if i cant do that , what am i working for ?". That was something which had been bubbling underneath all the time. But Benoy has a valid reason , he has really sweated it out at a major corporation. Yesterday , i was reading 'The monk who sold his ferrari' and really wanted to check out my heritage and see if someone had really gone mad due to excessive thinking .. is that a disorder ?

Long time back, when i wanted to ditch my 'neo' name and switch to 'cypher', zeus threatened me that he would execute me. I wonder if that holds true , even now ..

Dog has made the first real step in helping build corrupt politicians in india by paying a good tax of 7.8 K !Jai Jawan , Jai kisan, Jai Vigyan, Jai IT!

If i had written all this in a notepad and then tried to copy paste it to the blog, it wouldnt have happened , because damn! this is so much yuk! stuff .. so my advice is .. if you want to blog, blog live and direct , so that you dont get a chance to edit it ! So that by the time you finish writing , your consciousness doesnt start poking you ..

Decision Making skills : its becoming increasingly difficult to make decisions
I stared at the coffee vending machine for 2 whole minutes !! Coffee ? Tea ? Lemon Tea ? Mocachino ? or just plain water ?

And i sit here , infront of the flickering monitor (damn ! the generators are doing this ?) , trying to avoid any attention .. I have not contacted anyone or asked for any work , i am trying to act as a nobody ..
While(1) { question_thoughts(); question_actions(); }
Ultimately its all ending up as the same routine - capable of thought, incapable of action!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Garden Sh(C)ity Episode - 1

From the Garden SH(C)ity of India - Blore.

Landed at Madivala, Blore on 11th April, 2005 at 6.30 AM. The KPN Bus ticket foil said "Nihegaas". Soon, i spotted a guy running around with a placard "Nilas". I assumed it was me, whome he was looking for and promply jumped inside the Indica he showed me. En-route, he wanted to know how much my salary was , which concrete jungle i would be in, where i was from and so forth. A very open man, who could manage 4 languages at a time ( a trait which is common to any bangalorean), he dropped me at P-11, Diamond District, Airport Road. I disturbed the sleep of the House keeper and was escorted to Room-2 in the apartment. White Bed Sheets ? White Towel ? I stepped inside the bathroom, made a mess of the bath tub and slept off....

After a while, i called Sijin, dear Morpheus, and asked him to pick me up. I called up Stimbi, who said "dont expect sijin for another 2 hours", which turned out to be true. Sunday morning. I went to the sitting room, to realize that the house keeper was a Mallu named Chandran.

Chandran is a very interesting and talkative character. A few days later he even took me to "MOOKAMBIKA", no not a temple, the nearest bar, where he happily devoured a bottle of beer, and offered me a bottle of Thumpsup! Supposedly, Chandran was a business magnet, and owned a theatre, and a fleet of taxis at his home town near Palakkad about 20 years ago. This was when a sweet nurse fell in love with him. Chandran fell ill when he was in bangalore , and coupled with some major business blunders lost all he had. His wife had to fly to Dubai, to support him and pay off
the debts. Chandran is pretty excited, as his wife is coming back in 2 months after a long 2 years. He plans to set up a Hotel. I personally dont think it would succeed, because chandru baby , who is now 40, sleeps for most of the day, boozes twice a day and talks big - does nothing :-), there is another simpleton who helps with the daily chores at he guest house.

Back to me... Sijin came at around 11. And we went on a journey to the Desert , aptly called the Whitefield. about 22 kilometers from the guest house, Sijin did have to use his superb driving skills on his 'splendour' at times to keep us safe. Whitefield is a white field, where you could spot most of the Software Prisons, Multi-storeyed grandesque (??) buildings of DELL, SAP Labs, Perot, iFlex .... you name it , you got it ... There is a ITPL (International Tech Park Limited) and a near by GR Tech Park, where i am supposed to toil.

After having successfully spotted it, we decided to celebrated with 3 varieties of chicken when Stimbi called up to say he just had good kerala rice and fish fry.... ngeeee..

About an hour later, we were speeding above 80 (on a spledour) on the Outer ring road, where i spotted again BIG BUILDINGS of some electronic/ software giants , and then finally took the right turn to Bommanahalli, where stimbi was sleeping. Small meeting with Shiju, Sandeep , varma and kutti kiran.

After which , we proceeded to Stimbi's new foundland - FORUM. about 1/3rd the size of SPENCER PLAZA, but this place was packed with People of the age group 18-30. This place also features 11 theaters (150/- bucks which reminded me of Wave Cinema, Noida).

After running around for a while, stimbi took the drastic step and bought 3 tickets to "AVIATOR" - which we left in the middle... Sijin braved the rain to ferry me back to the Guest house......


Sunday, April 10, 2005


My earphones are blaring "Cells" by The Servant. Check it out in the Sin City trailer. I love it. The anticipation of seeing this film is nearly killing me. Now I am channelling all my pent up thoughts...

In a mess of poetry, prose and vehement verse.
For better or for worse.

Losing structure, losing focus.
Got to concentrate, what was I trying to say?
Do I have anything to say?
No I don't...Then why am I standing at the podium?
Why is there is projector screen behind me with footage of all my mistakes? All my life?
Is there an audience out there in the dark?
Are you watching this?
Am I supposed to walk you through this?
Will you understand me better if I do?
What am I doing? I should probably eat now.

Excerpts from Cells by The Servant

The sun goes up and the sun goes down
I drag myself into the town
All I do I want to do with you
Everyday I'm at my desk
At my desk I'm like the rest
All I do I want to do with you

They annoy me those who employ me
They could destroy me
They should enjoy me
We eat Chinese off our knees
And look for each other in the TV screen

Woo Hoo!

The Big Fake

Lost senseless.
Feeling helpless.
A year since the transition,
no where close to my life's mission.
I don't recognise it, by my own admission.
Trying to teach people what I don't know,
In a facade of mock intellect I glow.

Decadent programmers, derelict personalities.
People die, resources are born.
Work and worship falls by the wayside,
As spreadsheets of efforts and estimate analyses ride.
Putting my mouse to the grinding wheel,
I step back to sense what I feel.

An ad blares "Life is calling, where are you?"
"As I am taking a concall, I am going to have to put you on hold"
Some dreams remain, only few.
What I clutch at as I lament the loss of the ones I sold.
For a few dirty American dollars passed through greasy palms,
till it becomes clean prisitine Indian rupees, I am supposed to have no qualms.

Ode to a Fat man

Farewell you fat fock...
Be brave, Best of luck.
Lasted 2 years in Noida and Chennai.
You showed a lot of pluck.

Now you are gone,
To a city of crowded gardens,
Traffic inches in centipedal motion,
Tempers fly at supersonic velocity.

I stay back.
I lay back.
I wallow in deep corrosive shit.
This is my life, this is it.

Lost within darkened halls,
I shall haunt movie theatres.
Claustrophobic within shrinking walls,
I will stay back, thats all.