Saturday, December 03, 2005

The (F)art of self defence

Recently there was an official mail welcoming some big gun (whom we will never ever see) who is to take up some vague responsibility in North America.

The introduction note stated all his qualifications to the point of nausea and then concluded "On a personal note, Mr.XYZ is also a passionate practitioner of Aikido"

This sent me off on a tangent. My thoughts led me to another passionate practitioner of Hopkido. The rough english translation of Hopkido is "The Way of the Flying Fart"...It somehow never conveys the poetry of the Japanese language...as you can clearly see.

The only remaining practioner (who must never be named and only be referred to as "THE ONE") of this dying art is now in hiding in some vault within (BLEEP!) Bank located in (BLEEP!). During Bush's invasion into Iraq "THE ONE" was code named WMD by the invading party.

Yes, you think Bush went to Iraq for some thermonuclear weapons? That is what the newspapers tell you. The truth is far more sinister. "THE ONE" was indeed a weapon of mass destruction but he was more of the nerve gas variety than the thermonuclear ones that newsmongers are obsessed with.

Now I reveal the technical intricacies of this art even as I break my oath of secrecy, thereby condemning my soul to the darkest pits of hell in everlasting torment.

1.Firstly take up the Crouching stance. Squat without touching ground with backside. Breathe in and out rapidly while coiling and uncoiling the intestine. Align the Air element of your Divine Five Elements in line with Hopkido's ruling celestial body, Uranus.

2.Stand. Approach the opponent with peace, in quick short strides. When the distance between you and the opponent is just over five long-steps-of-the-Heron-that-stands-on-one-leg, jump into the air with all the grace of the-crow-which-flies-upside-down. In mid air piroutte and turn your backside towards the opponent.

3.When your honalable backside is closest to the opponent's honolable nose, release the Air element through the ruling planet Uranus.

4.Invoke the gods as you do this with a rousing cry of "BANZAI!!!!!!"

So all ye ardent students of the forgotten mystic art of Hopkido, remember THE ONE's lesson before he went into retirement, "Ah so, Grasshopper, when honolable fascist swine jump at you flom dark alleyway, offer him teaching of Buddha before you apply the Hopkido and kick him in honolable balls."

3 comments:

neo said...

R O T F L.

Zanks to ardent fans like Zeus, Hopkido is still practised with the same rigour all over the world.

Also in the middle east, instead of baked beans , potatoe and so forth, we use Seek Kababs. Ah! One Lift/Elevator operating at Six sigma broke down, when it was tested for the first time.

ram said...

Remembered bishan, occassionally during exam group study, you will see commotion and cries of agony from one of the b bottom rooms, and everybody will scram for their lives to escape from his hopkido.

Anonymous said...

I just found a picture of someone practicing the dark art of hopkido.