da new day

da declaration
(friday : in the bus, me rambling incessantly without any support from roomie)
me: monday is a new day, from monday onwards, i am going to be more orderly, me will reach office every day before 9. Will work properly.
roomie: hmmm.
me: no buddy, its going to be new, brand new.
roomie: hmmm.

da oracle
(sunday : evening in the bus, mama calls)
mama: did you lose your mobile, i rang up a while before and someone else picked up.
me: no, i had it all the time.
mama: may be i dialed the wrong number.

da preparation
(sunday: night, preparations for monday, i set alarm in mobile for 7, and two reminders at 7:05 and 7:30)
me: foolproof.

da new day
(monday: morning 7:30)
me: what happened to my alarms. roomie, did you switch it off, roomie, give me my cell.
roomie: brrr.
me: roomie, where did you hide my purse.
roomie: brrr.
me: roomie, roomie, roomie.
roomie(the tank with 6 pegs inside, not a morning person): brrr.
me: where's your mobile, let me ping mine.
roomie(jumps up): i don't see it.
( roomie runs around the room searching for something).
roomie: good yaar, they got my purse but they didn't steal my cigarettes.
roomie: hey even my matches are safe.
me: i know, even if they took it, i know you have hidden reserves :). hey good thing that you didn't lock the door yesterday.
roomie: shit.
me: new day indeed :).

ps: thanks to robbers for not stealing my pc and my movie dvds(in which case i would have hunted you down and crushed your balls), thanks to the kind neighbor's who lend us money to get to the office.

Loneliness

It gets to you. No matter where you are. No matter who you are with. It is bound to happen. It is probably just you in search of a kindred spirit. Sometimes it is just you in search of time away from kindred spirits.

Can't live with it. Cannot live without it. Khalil Gibran once said (though grossly misquoted by this psuedo intellectual) "Grief is the lathe that tears at our heart, making the cup for us to hold our joy"

Alas my cup of woes overfloweth.

Misery is my middle name. I cannot make new friends. I make new aquaintances, try to be as positive as I can. Slowly I start comparing them against rigid standards against higher examples of friendship. And the rot begins. I soon cannot even stand them. I do all I can to avoid them and their company.

After a few days they are happy as before and dont seem to notice my shift in attitude. I grow even more bitter at this indifference. I seethe. I rage. I bleed.

Yellow bile rises and I taste it at the back of my throat. I want to spit it out in spite. Instead I swallow it back down with inane conversations and Taco Bell Burritos.

It is just a rant. Ignore it.

petty bullshit :)

so much light around,
i was searching for darkness
i knew at the bottom, who didnt
but i couldnt find it, the light is dazzling me

my friends told me, they cant see a thing
they saw omens, they heard voices
i smiled and couldnt believe it
my heart wept when i smiled

do i deserve this light of ignorance
i know i wont pay for it
but i feel guilty to enjoy this happiness
my head droop in shame, indulgent in petty bullshit

Friday

Its Friday afternoon and I am sitting in the office. I can see the Operators (Not +,-,*,/ The AS/400 operators) walk outta the Data center, look right thru me and say "Get a life, kid!". Yeah, there was some switch over activity DR to PROD , PROD to DR, DR to UAT, UAT to DEV , DEV to HELL.. Anyway, that got over by 12 and I am supposed to enjoy my weekend. But what the heck heh ? I just got gifted by this 2.86 GB of MP3s and I decided 23 deg c and the MP3s in full volume is better than anything else. And yeah, the beverage of my choice - Mountain Dew, i think its the extra caffeine in it, Tastes really yummy after a plate of Arabic Biriyani (Aargh!).

Ha ha ha, Can you believe this, Tina is shouting in my ears -- "You are simply the best!" .... Woohay! Clarification --> Its Tina Turner .. he he :-)

My dear India, you sting me back, every now and then. Every night, i turn and toss around in my bed.. sleepless.. You pinch me and wake me up to the aroma of home made tea, today's hartal news, the cold rebooted maruti. Its been around 2 months, I have never felt sooooooo unpresent, unreal! I cannot involve in the day to day activities here!. I cant listen to whats going on in the meeting! I am disturbed... Every few minutes i pause, look up and turn around in my seat. I take the walk to the loo, stop pause, like a lizard that comes running to the tiger-balm.

Whats happening to me? I dont have an answer to what i am going to do. Everything's ok now. Everything's going on as planned. But why the heck am i getting shuttled between 2 months behind and 6 months ahead?! I dont know what to do! Probably i am doing the right kind of work ? Probably i am not excercising enough to get sleep ? Maybe i am not eating well ? Aargh!.. I love this song .. Zinda theme = Yeh hein meri Kahani. I wish to film it in dubai, millions of indians away from their homes, toiling in this burning desert, pulling rickshaws, doing whatever they can, shaping Dubai's future, only to sacrifice their entire life, return home old and diseased and send back the next generation.
But are they better off in their bunk beds , than their mumbai or chennai counterparts , because they earn in dirhams ? Questions to be pondered upon ? what the fuck can you do with the Indian rupee ? Where the middle classes income is mockery...

I am sorry... That was an outburst. And hell yeah! I dont regret! ZEUS ! SHOOT!

Double Century!

Cranial Exodus has hit its Double Century! We have come a long way baby!
A Toast to the founder -> Balasankar,
and valuable co-contributers -> Ram and Me,
and Spiritual Guide -> Sijin
and for bouquets and brick bats(Comments)->Stimbi,Kesav,Uno, Freakie
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
//Listening to Aisha - Outlandish
Crowd Hater:

// This is dedicated to Sijin. Various parts of this are heavily skewed and are purely figments of imagination.
// Special thanks to Balaji, who just gifted me 2.86GB of MP3, in this music starved Desert.

// Now listening to: Matrix Theme - Asatoma Satgamaya - Navras.

Madhavan was older than Mahadevan and Meenakshi. He was the first child of Sivasankara Pillai and Parvathi Devi. Sometime during growing up, Madhavan's mind decided to take a break. By the time, he had got back, his siblings had already overtaken him. Nevertheless Madhavan remained a truly mamma's boy.

Madhavan's recurring nightmare, was when Madhavan and Mahadevan came late to home, and Parvati Devi decided to punish them. Parvati Devi belonged to a Kshatriya family and well versed with kalari. However, for now, She just took the cane and said "kai neetu! randu adi tharatte".
Tears started flowing from Madhavan's eyes. Mahadevan just stared along, with no expression on his face, Mahadevan never cried.

//Background Music has just now changed to "Na jaane koi" - Gangster
This was when Madhavan realized that he had no control over his tear glands. For reasons which he understood and most which he didnt, they filled up and choked him to death. Madhavan even thought of getting them operated out, and wondered why they were necessary in the first place.
When they grew up, Mahadevan decided to piggy back Madhavan, which added to his "Tear gland" woes.

//Shit! Mood spoiler - Song change - Sohniye | Strings - Whoever created that playlist!
Now, i have to write something happy. Madhavan was afraid of the crowd. Whilst it happened naturally to others, Madhavan couldnt easily speak out, introduce himself and mingle with others. Call him timid, introvert or whatever. Madhavan relished sleeping! Yup, sleeping was one "NON DEMANDING" task. Now, he he , you would want to add "Lazy" to the above list .. right ? Yeah , well, Madhavan liked sleeping and to this day, commands an uncanny ability to sleep at any time during the day, for as much as he wants. Talking about blessings eh ?

//Song change: Khamaj by Fuzon | Beautiful!
Enter Maya: Madhavan's love interest. Bold, outspoken girl, who becomes shy only infront of Paravathi Devi. Maya's influence of Madhavan was soon to be announced to the world. Madhavan nevertheless informed this in the form of a story to his friends _ Ram and Neo.

//Song : Aankhon ka Saagar by Fuzon
If there was anyone who could match philosophically with Madhavan, it was Balu.
If there was anyone who could sit alongside and code with Madhavan, it was Stimbi.
If there was anyone who could lead as much a careless life, it was Kesav.
If there was anyone who commanded as much respect, it was Soorji.
If there was anyone who could writes 256 lines of recursive c pointer code and be appreciated by the gnu c compiler as "Compiled Successfully", it was Benoy.
If there was anyone who could tell such convincing miracle stories, like how met god, it was Noufal.

However, Maya came along and woke up Madhavan from his sleep. Madhavan has not rested ever since. He put all his skills to use. He automated the whole of his Task bucket at Infy. He created software bots to program for him and fill his timesheets, at his company. Meanwhile, Madhavan was running around to find solutions to the "Maya" shock and his new found questions. Madhavan used to think deeply about AI - Aritifial Intelligence. He used to wonder ... What is it that defines "I" ? Will a robot ever feel about itself as "I" ? Why does Maya love me so much ?

Madhavan tried his luck at the stock market, burnt his fingers. Whilst doing all these, Madhavan never forgot to touch base with life, help friends philosophically, technically, monetarily. Madhavan is still regarded as the most helpful friend one can ever have! Madhavan would forget himself , while helping others. Madhavan could never see a bad trait in anyone. He just found the part which needed his help, and happily helped! Be it the 8th semester senior who walked into his room one night saying "I will give you my text, can you read it and teach me ?", or the stinking head torn dog, that stood behind him and watched Matrix....

What else do i say about Madhavan ? Or should I ? ....

Nissangatha

Nissangatha

The closest translation of this beautiful malayalam word is :
Apathy , Indifference, Lethargy, Lack of Zeal. (Courtesy: Ram, KP, Answers.com)

Even the pronounciation is not without some amount of Mystery.
The beginning "Ni" sound is not pronounced as in "Neo" or "Nimbus".
It is a peculiar sound gifted only to the malayalam language: "NNI".
Whats even stranger is that Malayalam has two N's vis-a-vis "NA" and "NNA".

"N" ---> paNi, muNi, dhwaNi
"NN" ---> paNNi, maNNa, koNNa, vaNNu, cheNNu.

NN is supposed to be N + N , but it has a literal of its own. (Two N coalesced)

Two literals (Thanks to the 52 alphabets - most producing funny noises amidst serious conversations!)
Anyway, since there is a dedicated "NNA" , why wasnt "Nisangatha" written as "NNisangatha" ?
Enter new rule: If the "N" is the first alphabet in a word, it should be pronounced as "NN".
Thanks. That explains "Nanni" (Thanks). Where you get to see the "N" and "NN" as neighbours, whereas both are pronounced as "NN".
Same rule applies for "Ninnu".
Logically then, we could have written Nanni as "NNaNNi".
Failure to comply with this "Nanni" rule is the easiest way to identify if Malayalam is his/her "mother tongue",
or whether, whether he/she thinks in malayalam.

Now guys, dont get angry, Ram asked me to blog, so... this ...

What exactly is Nissangatha ?
Was it what Benoy experienced when he got campus placement and sat at MH, one fine evening ?
Was it why most panjikaran friends smoked, looking up at the sky, in front of the college ?
Was it that which made Sijin think like no one else die ?
Was it where Ram escaped, when the environment was getting too loud ?
Was it what bubbled underneath Zeus' anger ?
Was it the sick f*** Neo's actual problem ?

He he!

This is a f**** ing disgrace to this blog! Banish me...

Yet another Nissangatha. This is the first blog (ever) that i blogged and then deleted. However, within that split second, Zeus spotted it and mailed me! So, here goes.. The f****ing Nissangatha! Yeeha!!!

Digging Graves

It is a fine morning for grave digging. I know this because I have just woken up and there is a shovel by my side. Unlike most movies would have you believe, the ideal time for digging graves is not a rainy, windy night but early morning when the sun is still not beating down on you.

I shoulder the shovel and dig. Slowly and patiently. I do not allow the thoughts of who the occupant of this new berth in netherworld would be. I do not want to think about it. In the back of my mind I can see him. But the face stays out of focus. In about 2 hours I am done. I throw the shovel aside and climb out of the six by three by four pit. I look to see if there is somebody that I can tell that I am done. There is no body. I call out into the woods. Nothing...For a while. Then something strange happens. I begin to split. Literally. A vertical line splits me in two. As the two halves begin to separate, a lizard's tail like regeneration takes place. In a minute there are two of us. There is one of us whom I would like to call Old self (or myself) and another whom I would like to call the New self.

Now why would I make this distinction? Purely because the one seems to be scared of the other and as far back as I can remember my life has been soaked in the smell of fear. So I identify with the fearful one.

The two bodies do not talk. Apparently there is no need. Until a moment ago the brain had been shared. So each knew to a great degree what the other was thinking. Eventually both looked at the empty grave. It hit them both at the exact same instant that it had to be filled.

The New takes out the Old. In a few minutes the New buries the Old. Am I dead? Have I been reborn?

The New pats down the earth, walks 500 steps away and falls to the ground. He sleeps. When he wakes he has no recollection of what he has done or where has been. He sees a shovel and suddenly feels the urge to go grave digging...

Asatoma Satgamaya

Asatoma Sadgamaya
Thamaso Maa Jyothir Gamaya
Mrithyor Maa Amrutham Gamaya
Aum Shanti Shanti Shantihi

Lead me from the unreal to the real.
Lead me from darkness to light.
Lead me from death to immortality.
May there be peace everywhere.

Sidhartha | Middle Earth

"I have finished my annual leave, my sick leave (quota). Now I'm entering into half-pay, and (in two weeks) I will be unpaid,"

Fear of the Future, Fear of inability, Fear of loss of prowess, Fear of incapacity.
Fear was what drove Sidhartha onto an ordinary life, as dictated by Godly men.
He was taught to relish and thank for all the blessings he had.
This could only be accomplished by looking down upon the more miserable of his species. Those without limbs, those without food, clothes, those who had to carry a 2 ton ac on their shoulder , in the scorching sun for a living.

But, that night, when sidhartha looked out of the window of his studio flat.
even the nightly breeze seemed to prick on his face.
when he watched that mayhem beneath , fondly referred to as the city,
he could see the viomea float out of his chest.
He knew exactly where he would end up ...
1 year from now, 2 years from now, 10 years from now, if he ever survived ...

He looked back at the bed... In the faint glow of the table lamp,
he could see his wife and child sleeping peacefully, unaware of the turmoil in sidhartha's mind.
The answers are plenty, they only depend on which reality you wish to choose.
You can seal your minds doubts , by one blind belief,
by keeping yourself engaged in one activity after the other..

Sidhartha, was however, bursting from within,
old age, sickness, death.. The three thoughts that troubled his mind..
I should leave my kingdom...
I should my family ...
I should leave everything I have ..
I cant imagine what went through Sidhartha's mind, at that moment.

Now is the best time to leave, hasten... but,
if you are late anymore, life would have conquered you , yet another time ...
you are not as strong as Sidhartha...

Blind belief is very powerful,
it boosts one's self confidence to such heights, that many things are accomplished,
some say its the power of the mind,
Given enough time, any theory can be proved right, any theory can be proved wrong.
What does science and everything else tell us ?
Believe!! make up your mind!!
As long as you are not a threat to humanity , whatever you believe is right!
All roads lead to Rome.

Except that once in a while, your consciousness might poke you,
and you might stray a little from the path you have chosen , blindly..
but what the heck,.. you are doing everything you can!