Counter dream

It was my first year in pre-degree. And we were learning about short
cut methods to solve work related problems and one interesting problem
involved a train encountering a slope. That night i had a dream and in
the dream i was standing near a railway track. I had this bad urge to
purge but there was a constraint. I should find the slope of the rail
and there by calculate the extra energy required from the train engine
to cover the slope and only after finding the answer i would be
allowed to purge. And in the mean while i woke up and felt the real
emergency. I had a bad case of loose motion that night.
The point is that you dream about some thing and your physical status
plays a role in it. If the ante thesis is true wild dreamers are in
deep trouble.

My first nightmare

I must commit to the bits and bytes of faraway computers, a nightmare I had, before my own brain wipes the last vestiges of its existence in my mental hard drive.

I went to sleep last night at about 1:00 am. Not too early, not too late. There I was sleeping peacefully, seeing myself do all those incredible things I always wished I could do but never can and never will...hitting Shohaib Akthar for consecutive sixes...Overtaking Michael Schumacher on the outside...Scoring a hat-trick against Arsenal while playing for Man U...Dancing...

I usually fall asleep at this point...But yesterday was a little different...I dont know when the changeover occurred but I will try and retrace the steps I took...

I was standing on top of a hill looking into a sparsely wooded valley at the crack of dawn. It was peaceful and calm as all dawns are expected to be...even if there was any noise in the valley below it would have to be frighteningly, unnaturally loud to have made its way up to where I was standing. Despite the distance my vision was surprisingly clear I could make out the leaves at the edge of the valley with ease...a virtual real vision. Then suddenly from the eastern edge, as if born of the sun, a horde of horsemen appear charging down the valley, their hooves indistinct individually but generating a roar that felt like a waterfall. All horsemen were dressed alike in long red robes with cloaks over their heads. They carried no weapons at all but were menacing nonetheless. Suddenly in one motion they turned a wide curve and headed up a steep ravine without breaking pace. I turned in a slow circle to follow the path that lay ahead of the horsemen and it ended at my feet. In an instant I saw what it meant...They were coming for me. My death waited for me, either at the hooves of the horsemen or amidst the rocks of the valley behind me. I looked back into valley one more time and saw more horsemen flooding the valley. I turned again to face the hooves that bore upon me inexorably...it was almost like music to my ears. Never changing... never breaking tune...I sensed my breaths getting deeper and I was painfully aware of the low oxygen at that altitude as icy daggers stabbed my lungs.

I realised at some point through all this it can't be happenning...and that my eyes were closed. I forced them open and found myself at home and alone...I still was breathing hard and my lungs still felt cold...

I woke up today morning with a severe cold...for which there is only one plausible explanation...

A tormented feeling

I am sitting in my neat little cubicle, the master of my little universe. And I twist and turn with the dinner of many nights rolling in my guts. The one thing i would love to do now is run into a loo and take a shit but i am expected to sit here, smile beatifically like a drugged cow and write test cases.

neWwords

I dont INVENT words , I just MISUSE them :)

DOORS

lock out this world for just this night.

i can't share this beauty,this personal sight.

a heart,bleeding and stripped off pretense,

asks to be shared, asks a lowering of defence.

share with me moments stolen from time's hands,

time held frozen in shifting sands.

time we stole from this busy world,

with reasons that must be untold.

for i don't believe, they'll ever understand,

what it means, to have upon my heart, your hand.

why words don't matter when eyes speak with love and tears,

eyes that shield me from my demons, and my fears.

eyes that look with beauty, deep.

eyes that close and put me to sleep.

wishing i could be a single breathe you take,

even if i am sent away in a soulful sigh you make.

the few moments that i linger, i'll always cherish

granted this feeling is evanescent and it'll perish.

but i can't let the world see me,they'd never understand

that when you touch me, i feel it like my own hand.

Poem by bala.

REWORK

RAGE POURS OUT IN PAGES.
FOOLS RAVAGING WORKS OF SAGES.
SHORT MEN WITH TUNNEL VISION,
TALK OF PERSPECTIVE AND COHESION.
ABUSING HIS PRIVILEGED POINT OF VIEW,
HE TRASHES ME IN HIS REVIEW.
WHAT DOES HE KNOW AND WHAT DO I CARE!
BUT TO REVIEW MY WORK HE DARED!


28-07-2004
fIRST rEWORK rEQUEST!

Passing comment

Q: Who is a great man.
A: A man whose love is greater than his fears.
from the movie Soul Keeper

To Err is Divine

" To Err is Divine,
To Repeat is Human "

I dont invent words, I just misuse them

Strings - Scorpions - Santana

forever,
neo

Abolish Me From This Blog !!!

Ever since i got my first salary , to a few weeks back , i was disoriented, hallucinated, mislead ... Put in better words ,i got myself into a destructive pattern ... But a few weeks back something magical happened ... I suddenly outgrew myself ... ofcourse its no drastic change on the outside .. but ofcourse, it something to do with " i have learnt to live with myself ! " ha !!..
I believe i am removing the "HELPLESSNESS" factor .. phew !
Prioritize on "Excercising" "Remove haught from the system" !

cut back to august 2003:
gradually i moved from one extreme to the other ... my idea was to be involved in every activity till i got bored , this way i could remove all my addictions and afflictions and be a saint.. Put in better words (bala's term) .. PRUDNAR .. Pious, religious , unsophisticated NAR.

the idea was fundamentally flawed and each affliction made me more weak, both physically and mentally. and the sad thing was , i couldnt prove myself that i had done anything OUT OF THE BOX ! it was all normal.

Then , i began to think that the reason to all pain, all misery , all sufferings is our FREE TIME, yeah, just because our life style is all so wretched that we just have to take care of a few things to live .. we dont care how food is produced, how clothes are made ,how houses are made .. how we protect ourselves bare handed ... just beacause we are fucking software professionals ...(fuck! it feels great to say FUCK after a long fucking time ! fuck again !!! fooooooooook )

yeah, its true that human civilization has advanced so far because we divided all our responsibilities .. Imagine Cave man days .. men hunt , kids play , women cook, fuck all night , save for future .. i mean that was cool , No fucking free time .. but look now, we got awfully a long free time ....if you dont have free time, then probably you are doing some work repeatedly all day long (TYPING / COUNTING / TALKING) ? .. the same work over and over again .. and then dash of to a BLACK SLEEP with no dreams and no IDEA of whether you want to wake up tommorow ?

if all of us do our own cultivation, cooking , washing , and everthing else .. there will be no fucking boredom, i think!! but then what will happen to the destitute and the poor and the weak .... ofcourse we gonna help them .. aint we ? ha ha ha ...

Fundamentally Flawed

Anita is a classic example of natural beauty ... no additives or preservatives ...
one hundred percent unaldulterated maiden of the wine yards ...
pink lips (no lipstick mind you ..), bright eyes , long hair spoilt by the
indian tradition of tying it into an unopenable knot ,a curl of hair over her face ...
slender , unquestionable build , and to top it all a smile that could make you float weightless
over the ninth cloud for atleast a couple of minutes ...
above all , she is happy with what she has .. without that Killer instinct of
competitiveness (aargh ? is that a word) , you usually associate with a 20 something software
engineer.
now shobin sits beside me, while i am typing this and asks "aaraade ee anita ?" ...
"colleague" .. i say ..
should i say that she is that feminine simplicity that rippled the memories
of my first infatuation ? nay , shobin wouldnt understand.
sometimes, you wish to be unrealistic , to dream of love as they show in the movies ,
with songs and all , just the good things about love , just beauty ...
we used to spoil such thoughts with disgusting questions like "does she dig her nose?" and so,
but , now i am back to square one .. just pure dreams .. aah beauty .. classic beauty..
all my dreams are turned rose now , the color of her churidar ... nothing else .. no work,
money , religion, after-effects , causal analysis, bugzilla, kintana , dowry, ... nope nothing
maybe its the "Duur" by strings that i am hearing right now, thats making me think like this ..
but i like it anyway :) and i am gonna dream ....