A little ramble

Khalil Gibran says in The Prophet; "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

I consider myself to be blessed with a infinite sense of sorrow in that respect. Of late I do not see its purpose though. There is no great tragedy that could have bought this sense of loss and foreboding to me. In essence I am so obsessed with the feeling of complete desolation and pain that I search for a tragedy worthy of my grief.

There are times of the day when I feel particularly sad. Places where I feel sad. People who make me feel sad. But none of it is logically tied in a neat cause and effect bundle that makes sense.

And then there is the painful realization that my brain is losing sensitivity that it once had towards beauty. I watched "The Fountain" for the second time in over a year. It still does not make complete sense to me. But I do realize it is one of the most beautiful films I have seen. The soundtrack is particularly awe inspiring. It seems to be worthy of the sadness I aspire to.

I play the entire OST on loop at night and sleep to it. Sometimes I want to cry because its so great. But then I just laugh at myself for being melodramatic. The sadness in this music is nowhere the equivalent of the sadness that is my life.

So as it stands, I think I am slowly desensitizing and losing my mind at the same time. Pretty soon I will be a vegetable ready to rejoin the simple society.