A touch of Insomnia

Third time in 10 days...
I cannot sleep. Basically I dread this because I tend to be woozy at office the next day. Besides that it is all good. I slip and slide away in my head. I look at the same featureless ceiling through the dull illumination of my laptop screen.

Several times I have tried to write something worthwhile. Something that goes with the theme of this very, very negative blogspace that the Three of Us share. I have always shift+deleted all of them. They felt weak. They felt fake.

So perhaps in a light of the changing lives and times of the Kayeos, maybe it is time to stop writing and start reporting.

It has been 21 Months and 5 days since I stepped into this country. I will be just a week short of 2 full years when I step back out again, even if for only a brief while.

How have these near 2 years changed me? I am more moody and broody. That might have more to do with the last month rather than the last 2 years. That is something I don't want to put to paper anywhere either.

I have lost touch with more friends than I have made new friends.

Mentally my mind has diminished in its capabilities with each passing year. More so since I have come here.

I am fatter. That might not have anything to do with this place. I have put on 10 kilos each year of my software career. Presently I figure I am at critical mass. Neither gaining nor losing. Maybe fluctuating a bit. A little winter flab here a litter summer loss there.

My hair is longer. Way longer. Been more than a year since I had a haircut. Doesn't look like much. It has grown thinner. My hairline has receded back a little more. It is now in a ponytail going to office. Left out loose when I am home. I love it when I can headbang to some metal.

Coming to headbanging...my neck is not what it used to be. Gets stiff and painful real quick. Age and disability is fast catching up. My colleague once told me. We are earning more than what our parents did when they retired. Not just the money, but also the work related stress accumulated over decades in a matter of days...I find that argument not without merit.

I have been snubbed in the most painful manner in a matter of the heart. Perhaps the third time in my varied life. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that this is most recent, but this has hurt the most. Still hurts on and off.

Like that Tennis elbow I picked up the day I picked up a tennis racket for the first time. I kept playing through the pain barrier and it became a dull permanent ache. Perhaps there is a lesson that could be applied to life, borrowed from my limited time on the tennis court.

I ramble more often than not. I dabbled in hard liquor for 9 months. Abstained for nearly a full year. Now am contemplating celebrating the anniversary with a bottle of Absolut Citron, all by myself. Perhaps there is some poetic justice to it.

To you, my dear reader, I offer my deepest sympathies in trying to understand the common thread of these derailed trains of thought. There are still a few that I confide in. A few who still come by to this page. Who might read this after months of silence and confirm/deny what they thought I was doing and how I was doing.

So in essence this is just proof for those who seek. And a reminder for me that I exist.